To feel resentful of how much DP's spend on SIL for Christmas?

[RightwayUP01]

This is one of those situations where I probably am being unreasonable to be honest but it makes me feel embarrassed and awkward and I'm wondering whether to try and mitigate it this year by saying something...or would that be completely unreasonable?

My parents every year on Christmas day give me my presents, then immediately after give my SIL (DB's wife) her gifts. They're always exactly the same as mine (so for example perfume, new PJ's/ Slippers and jewellery) which in itself I've always found a bit odd. However, the last 2 years they've given me my presents in front of everyone, then given SIL hers and she's received exactly the same gifts as me as usual, but then also a couple of extra?! Even DH looked a bit shocked and embarrassed last year.

They also clearly don't spend half the amount on DH as they do SIL, which again, is embarrassing when we're exchanging gifts in front of one another. DH has never said anything but last year I felt affronted for him.

WIBU to say something along the lines of if there's massive discrepancies in terms of presents, please give gifts privately?

I know I sound like a 6 year old brat, it's NOT the money, it's the principal. I have 2 SIL's DH's side and there's no way that my PIL would spend the same or more on me than they do both of their DD's which is completely understandable. There's also no way they'd spend loads more on my 2 BIL's and not make any attempt to hide it on Christmas day.

@pizzaHeart wrote this
"I think it’s like they are trying to buy a good relationship with her by buying extra gifts whereas assume that you are being their daughter will have good relationship with them whatever."

I agree that this, rightly or wrongly, might be true.

I think that amount spent on your h vs amount spent on SIL is the most shocking bit.
Even if she does it to compete with the amount your brother gets from his ILs, it doesn’t forgive your parents treating your h that way.
Is it the case that your brother (and by extension SIL) have prodigal son status so is treated like a hod rather than the actual distant son that he is?

Some people are more polite and considerate with their DILs than with other relatives as they want to see their sons and grandkids regularly.
The truth is that if my sister will quarrel with her DIL she will see her grandson and son much less and my sister doesn’t want this, so believe me she behaves much restrained with DIL then she does with her blood relatives. It’s just reality.

How did what they spent on your DH compare to what they spent on your DB? Some people do find women easier to buy for, just wondering if that could be at play.

It is weird for them to give you and SIL the same gifts but also extra gifts for SIL. I think if it was me I’d be saying to DP something like: I’m very grateful to receive any gifts at all, I don’t take that for granted, it’s lovely you get on well with SIL and want to celebrate her, but I did notice you got us the same gifts but then extra for her, I found that a bit hurtful? I was wondering why and if I have done something to upset you?

YANBU I'm have a very similar situation and it's hurtful. It's kind of worse since my dm died as df has decided he no longer can be bothered with present choosing and just gives me and dh money (£50). My SIL however continues to ask for presents which cost way more than that. I suppose the problem is then that she's a CF but I resent that she feels entitled to such expensive gifts when it's not even her dp.

Yes I think it’s probably true too, but doesn’t change the fact it’s hurtful to others.

I think this year I’m more inclined to say something because we’re hosting. We take it in turns between my brother, my parents and us to host and this year is our year again and if DH receives a token present of boxer shorts and SIL receives the usual expensive perfume and jewlery, it’ll sting even more if we’re cooking and providing everyone with food all day/ running about after everyone. DH hasn’t ever said anything like I said, but that’s not to say he hasn’t noticed. It also makes me feel awkward on Boxing Day when we go to Inlaws and they’ve clearly spent a couple of hundred on me and I remember the day before, DH getting a pair of boxers or whatever from my own family!

I think that conversation should be face-to-face

And frame it as a question 'Is there a problem with DH?' Not 'Why do you spend more on SiL?'

That's really bad. I'd be very upset and would have to say something. It does sound as though your mum is trying to impress your sister in law.

I spend exactly the same on my son and daughter in law. I give them their presents together and would feel awful if I spent a lot on him and hardly anything on her.

Say something!

Why are people obsessed with how much are spent on people at Christmas?
I just buy what I think people would like.
If there is a discrepancy then why does it really matter (especially as OP says it's not about money despite mentioning spend/spent 4 times in the first post and on every post thereafter )

Your SIL - maybe you got the same and they saw a few bits that she would like that they didn't think you would so she got them, you didn't.
You DH - Men are harder to buy for and I often spend less on men. Also is the relationship the same socially?
Some peoples hobbies are more expensive than others

Your parents are being unfair here. My PIL are extremely generous with gifts but my SIL (their daughter) does get more than me as their DIL, and I would be embarrassed if it was any other way. Hopefully they are more even this year!

Men are harder to buy for, yes and my parents have openly admitted that they struggle to think of things to buy my DH and often have to ask me for ideas (I struggle with this too as I often don’t know what to get him myself!) but I don’t think that’s an excuse really as if I was in that situation and ended up spending £150 on my DIL but could only find £20-£30 worth of gifts to buy my SIL, I would bung £50 in a card to them too.

You’re never going to spend exactly equal amounts but IMO massive discrepancies are rude. Not if they’re gifted in privately, but definitely if they insist, without shame on gifting people in front of one another.

My dps forgot my dh one year and only realised when he arrived on Christmas Eve! Dad ran out to Asda and got him a jumper and a CD. Meanwhile my SIL got a beautiful picture of a beauty spot where she and db had their first date.

You initially said you see your parents weekly and SIL sees them monthly.

But now you are saying it's actually the discrepancy with what they buy your DH.

Not that it excuses it really, but how often do they see your DH? Does he also see them weekly? Does he make as much effort with them as SIL does?

Now that I can understand.

You are completely right.

Call them and ask if there are aware that they have done this for a few years and explain that it is embarrassing and hurtful.

I agree with phoning your parents. This is hurtful.

This is awkward & I understand why you feel this way.
do your brother & SIL spend significantly more than you do on gifts.
I know my parents spend more on gifts for myself & my husband than on my siblings, But they get pretty small things from them, whereas I get my parents quite a bit. It’s tricky to balance things being equal in all directions.
I wouldn’t say anything, I’d mentally accept that it’ll happen ahead of time. I think the suggestion of adult secret Santa for next year is a good one.

Thanks @SkaneTos @TheCurlyKnobhead . It is a bit of a grim situation. But I have come to the conclusion that I cannot change my mother's behaviour or attitudes - the only thing I CAN change is how I react to it. So I just remain a neutral bystander to it. It could be worse.

Merry Christmas to all. x

Sorry REP, I missed your OP. That is awful, I’m not sure I could’ve got over that, or not challenged her by what she meant :-( your mum is lucky you’re nice enough to still give her the time of day. I can’t imagine ever treating either of my DC like that.

You are all adults and it is getting to the point it is probably a hassle for your parents to buy for you all and come up with ideas. I bet when they ask your DB he says what to get SIL and they dutifully do. When they ask you for ideas for DH then you don’t give them any ideas so they are stuck. This year suggest they get a voucher for DH for a restaurant or shop he likes and then hopefully they spend some more on this to make it more equal.

Spend what you like on your parents.

But they should treat you and your siblings equally, not give more to you because you spend more

That's just horrible and I would feel the same as you, OP.
It is a very glaring difference in gifts indeed.
However, I would personally also feel disappointed if my parents gifted me the same gifts as SIL's every year! It would feel like they just bought some generic crap (albeit expensive), rather than putting any thought in what I might actually like.

If I was your mum, I'd be really embarrassed to be handing out the same gifts to 2 people, let alone if one was my daughter. And even more embarrassed to be gifting one child's partner a £100+ gift, and boxer shorts to the other!
Definitely say something and see how they respond. You could also tell them you have enough jewelry and slippers now, they could just get you a giftcard to a favourite store for the same amount 😂

How have you let that go??

That's dreadful

I think you are being too hard on your mum and dad. I have the exact situation where my mum will buy a lot more for my DB’s wife and my DH will inevitably get socks. There are a few reasons for this:

Mum wants SIL to feel fully included as part of the family. They don’t live close by and SIL only has a small family herself and is unlikely to get lots of gifts from them.

Mum also has the view that women tend to be forgotten about at Christmas as they do the bulk of the work and take on most of the stress so she likes to treat the women in the family at Christmas in particular. For example, she knows it will be my SIL that organises the gifts for the family and my DB will do nothing and she knows i also will choose and pay for her gift at Christmas with none of my DH’s involvement.

There is likely to be a number of reasons your mum has done this and it’s unlikely any of it has been done with bad intentions. I’d really just let it go and be grateful for whatever gifts you get.