To feel resentful of how much DP's spend on SIL for Christmas?

[RightwayUP01]

This is one of those situations where I probably am being unreasonable to be honest but it makes me feel embarrassed and awkward and I'm wondering whether to try and mitigate it this year by saying something...or would that be completely unreasonable?

My parents every year on Christmas day give me my presents, then immediately after give my SIL (DB's wife) her gifts. They're always exactly the same as mine (so for example perfume, new PJ's/ Slippers and jewellery) which in itself I've always found a bit odd. However, the last 2 years they've given me my presents in front of everyone, then given SIL hers and she's received exactly the same gifts as me as usual, but then also a couple of extra?! Even DH looked a bit shocked and embarrassed last year.

They also clearly don't spend half the amount on DH as they do SIL, which again, is embarrassing when we're exchanging gifts in front of one another. DH has never said anything but last year I felt affronted for him.

WIBU to say something along the lines of if there's massive discrepancies in terms of presents, please give gifts privately?

I know I sound like a 6 year old brat, it's NOT the money, it's the principal. I have 2 SIL's DH's side and there's no way that my PIL would spend the same or more on me than they do both of their DD's which is completely understandable. There's also no way they'd spend loads more on my 2 BIL's and not make any attempt to hide it on Christmas day.

That makes sense to me because you didn't ‘choose’ to have your sister. She is their literal child that they chose to have, birthed and reared. How can they prefer their SIL to own daughter. Terrible

This happened when my mum was still with us. My sister often got more spent on her but because she would ask for higher value stuff. One year I got a CD that I asked for and was thrilled to receive, she got a new coat which cost a lot more. I would never have told my mum as she would have been terribly hurt by me flagging it up. I did however, after the coat incident, let my sister know I’d noticed. It doesn’t help you op but I think family dynamics are complicated and I would try very hard to just accept it and appreciate your presents and turn a blind eye to what sil gets. If you really must say something I would say something in front of everyone, in a light hearted manner such as “look at you sil getting so spoiled aren’t you lucky, anyone fancy a drink”, don’t labour it but that lets everyone know you’ve noticed.

I think it may be a mix of them not knowing what to get men for Christmas and you overestimating how much their gifts personally mean.
I also wouldn't come to any conclusion that the SIL is getting good presents either. They may cost more, but those also seem like pretty generic, 'I don't know what to buy people so I will just buy perfume and jewelry' gifts.
I would rather get stuff I like or can use any day than something that was expensive just for the sake of being expensive.
I think you are focusing on the wrong issue. This is not them spending a lot more on any one person, it is that they don't seem to put much thought into any of the gifts for anyone, so the financial disparity sticks out. If they did start giving gift cards, then your focus would get off the costs and you would see that they are just gifting to everyone as if it is an office party with a secret santa.
I would start telling them things that he has said he wants and see what happens.

I'd be peeved that sil was getting more than me tbh, let alone so disproportionate to my dh!!

It 100% shows favoritism. Imagine if every year your sibling got £100 spent on them and only a tenner spent on you - that would be obvious. But to have it like that but with an in law, plus your own spouse not being spoilt to the same level too!

Can you buy them each a £10 waterstones card and then go on and on about the amazing stuff you've bought mil/fil including a romantic trip to Paris?? Not really suggesting this, obviously 😂😂

My DH and his brother had a frugal upbringing and never had much and are not materialistic, they get about £30 spent on them each from parents. They are both sensible with money, don't ask for much and happy with what they get. The sister who is 12 years younger was not brought up in such a frugal way, parents had more disposal income and spoilt her all her life, she gets £100+ spent on her. She is not good with money and gets things bought for her throughout the year. I'm annoyed at the disparity but as my DH isn't bothered I have never said anything.

I am so sorry @REP22 you have my sympathies. My MIL did similar to me (told the lady who cleans for her whose motives we have suspected and my husband can’t stand) the same when my DH is an only child and since meeting him I had thought myself and his mother had a great relationship and I was like a daughter to her and had treated her like nothing other than a second mother. Then at my hen do she insisted on bringing this lady for her mental health support and it was announced at the table she was the daughter she never had!

So, the relationship, whilst still cordial, is now very different and that, along with her letting down my DH and DSS for their birthdays (despite having only just had a pop at my DH about how little she sees her SGS a number of times - she’s DH stepmother) has just compounded the issues…. It was at that moment I had to agree with what my DH had always said, that she really has no thought outside of herself sometimes!

That being said I could never imagine my mother actually saying it to someone else, that must have really stung, so I am so sorry you went through that. This isn’t a you problem, of that I can assure you!!!!

Maybe your parents just like her better than the others.

I think you are always going to give birth to resentments if you keep comparing everything. Pay it no mind and enjoy your Christmas!

I don't count up the number or "worth" of the gifts I give or receive. The fact that you are doing so says more about you and your husband than it does about the in laws.

I just can’t imagine a grown man getting upset that he’s been bought pants when his SIL has received perfume and stuff. In my family the women always get bought more. Same in dh’s family. Maybe because it’s the women who do all the buying, and they enjoy buying for other women.

I’m talking about adults here btw. I’m sure ds would notice and have something to say if he was given a lesser present than his sister! But he’s 11…

Mind you, we don’t really spend loads on adults anyway.

Comparison is the thief of joy - Teddy Roosevelt

You did say DPs have asked what to buy for your DH so it’s not really their fault. I hate wandering aimlessly round the shops trying to chose something that will please someone I love x10. We now have a website setup the web Giftster for wishful Christmas and birthday presents, which can be added to throughout the year. I look on it and reserve an article but don’t buy online, instead I buy locally the same article. My DC add for the DGC

Totally understand why this is hurtful. We always spend around the same on our DC (now adults) but my parents stopped buying Christmas and birthday presents for me years ago, but still buy for my siblings and their partners. It's not the gifts but the message.

You don't need to count anything to know that a pack of boxers doesn't cost the same as a bottle of Chanel No 5

I think it’s absolutely reasonable to raise this I have two children & I'm lucky I have a Dsil & Ddil who I absolutely adore; I could not spend more on one of them it’s not something I would entertain doing. I set an amount per couple & an amount each; I stick to this & no one gets the same presents that’s not fair each one is so different x

I am a grandmother and give my own children and their partners what I think they would like/need taking into account what I can afford. Some years it’s more than others. I can understand people, who, stuck for an idea, resort to slippers, perfume, etc etc. I never calculate what I have spent on each, (apart from making sure it is roughly fair) but I would be horrified if I thought some of my family were busy taking notes and feeling resentful that they hadn’t received their fair share. Maybe I am being naive? Our present giving is a bit chaotic, so it would be difficult to spot unfairnesses without access to Amazon and a calculator! If any one in my family had the temerity to complain about the amount I spent on them, compared to somebody else, their gift would be drastically reduced next year. OP you do sound like a 6 year old brat!

I wouldn’t say anything in case it caused an atmosphere over Christmas, but I can completely understand how you feel OP. In my family it’s my own brother who is consistently the recipient of many more (and more expensive) gifts from our parents, than I am. I sort of don’t mind because I’m so used to it, but I sort of do mind as well. He is (by his own admission) the golden child and always has been, but I think our mother does it purely because he’s on his own so she thinks that I get more gifts overall because I get one from DH and a token something that DH buys from our children, and my MIL will get me a small present too. My brother gets several presents from us though as we buy him one from us and one from each of the children, because of course he buys one gift for each of us. So she’s trying to make things fair and even but actually he ends up with more both in numbers of gifts and value. To add to this, he is far better off than we are and will happily buy himself expensive things he wants at any time of year. He has a high wage and no mortgage or rent as he lives in a £400k house that my parents bought for him (we have a house with a mortgage that we bought ourselves, children, and spend a lot of money hosting Christmas for them all every year!). I think it’s odd behaviour on my mothers part but I am very used to it as she always favours him - I think she still sees him as ‘one of the children’ along with my actual children (my brother and I are late 30s / early 40s)!

But back to your original post, I wouldn’t say anything and instead I would quietly seethe / laugh about it with DH afterwards about how bonkers they are.

My MIL does this for me too. She spends more on SIL as she's her actual daughter but she always has a few lovely things wrapped just for me. She's fab

I tend to give my DD and DS's gf the same things, their favourite perfume, new PJ's, A Hotel Chocolate Velvetiser. I got my DD her favourite hand made soap, a pair of earrings and my DS's gf some crafting kits, a jigsaw, Lego flower bouquet both had Lindor chocolates and a Toblerone. I don't get my SiL as much as he's hard to buy for and when I ask DD what he'd like she never really tells me she says she's unsure, so I got him a bottle of Hendricks gin, socks, Toblerone and a car tire gage. I do buy my DGC who are my DD's DC. Basically I have 3 DC and so I have a spending pot for each family. My DD has DC so some of her pot goes on them whereas my elder DS only has dgf who I really adore and my younger DS gets more again as he isn't in a relationship ATM so his pot all went on him. I must admit I had my son's gf a gorgeous gold necklace with a garnet drop which she will love but I wondered if my DD might think she was getting too much so I've put it back for her birthday in early January when my DD won't be there.

But if your parents ask you what their SiL would like, and you who is the closest to him, can't tell them anything I think you are contributing to the problem. Make some suggestions in the future when they ask you.

having heard a few years back "you're the daughter I always wanted but never had" said to her when I was in the next room is hard to get over.

I'll bet it is. And it's this that's the fundamental problem here. The present-buying, if not incidental, is merely a symptom of a much bigger and very much more painful issue. The fact that the gift exchange is always done in front of you is also not insignificant: it's a means of intentionally making that point.

The posters splitting hairs over £ or accusing you of being 'bratty' are missing the large grey animal with the floppy ears and trunk, standing there trumpeting its head off in the middle of this particular room.

I'm sorry you had to overhear that. It must really have hurt 💐

.

I wouldn't think about it too much. At least there is some thought of giving. Thank yourself lucky, my husbands family got the kids, my husband and left me out completely a year or so ago. It bothered me at the time, but now I don't think about it. Raise above it. Ignorance is bliss 😊

But so what? If boxers is what I really want and need and I haven’t asked for anything else, and someone else loves perfume, great, everyone happy. No one in my family looks at gifts as transactions based on how much they cost.

Though I can see there would be resentment if the present represents an established insidious favouritism or some other toxic dynamic.

No way are you unreasonable here. There’s clearly no money issue here, just effort.

Whilst they have every right to spend their money how they like - publicly embarrassing someone by showing that you are spending £100 more on another is rude. How do they think this is acceptable?

I would suggest saying something along the lines of as I am hosting this year, I have decided gifts will be exchanged privately.

And that you would like this to continue because - whilst you expect nothing, you know from past experience that they spend less on Husband vs SIL.

Whilst it’s ok to spend their money how they wish - publicly showing they make more effort on SIL vs husband is not. It’s embarrassing and you won’t be allowing it in your home whilst you host.

incidentally how much do they spend on your brother?

Glad your In laws treat you well. If your parents continue with their rubbing it in your face then I’d be mindful to open your gifts with your in-laws on Christmas Eve and then make a big show of how lucky you are to have hubby’s parents. Or abscond to the in-laws next year and sod this.

lastly why hasn’t your DB said anything about this to your parents?

It sounds like a large discrepancy but I guess there could very well be a few reasons. Your mum may find it easier to think of presents for your SIL than your DH but it is strange they buy her more than you, their own daughter. Maybe they are trying to buy her affection as MiLs sometimes get shut out of their sons lives as mostly it is women who make visiting arrangements. I am guessing she is not worried about buying your husbands affection as they know you will see them anyway being their daughter. Also men rarely put a lot of effort into family presents so unless your husband is the one doing the present buying etc for family she probably thinks she doesn't need to make lots of effort for him. I try to spend equally on my daughters and grand daughters and normally slightly less on my son in law but it is a little tacky to go adding up what people spend on you.