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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel resentful of how much DP's spend on SIL for Christmas?

201 replies

RightwayUP01 · 20/12/2023 12:34

This is one of those situations where I probably am being unreasonable to be honest but it makes me feel embarrassed and awkward and I'm wondering whether to try and mitigate it this year by saying something...or would that be completely unreasonable?

My parents every year on Christmas day give me my presents, then immediately after give my SIL (DB's wife) her gifts. They're always exactly the same as mine (so for example perfume, new PJ's/ Slippers and jewellery) which in itself I've always found a bit odd. However, the last 2 years they've given me my presents in front of everyone, then given SIL hers and she's received exactly the same gifts as me as usual, but then also a couple of extra?! Even DH looked a bit shocked and embarrassed last year.

They also clearly don't spend half the amount on DH as they do SIL, which again, is embarrassing when we're exchanging gifts in front of one another. DH has never said anything but last year I felt affronted for him.

WIBU to say something along the lines of if there's massive discrepancies in terms of presents, please give gifts privately?

I know I sound like a 6 year old brat, it's NOT the money, it's the principal. I have 2 SIL's DH's side and there's no way that my PIL would spend the same or more on me than they do both of their DD's which is completely understandable. There's also no way they'd spend loads more on my 2 BIL's and not make any attempt to hide it on Christmas day.

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 20/12/2023 16:09

@RightwayUP01 I would mention it ASAP, and try not to be over emotional just factual and calm. They will do it again this year just out of habit and you will feel upset. Why ruin Christmas for you and DH? Tell now.
Be ready to tell them straight away what they can buy to DH as it’s just a few days left. I know my own husband is tricky to buy for but still it’s manageable, maybe they can buy him a voucher or something similar .

BurbageBrook · 20/12/2023 16:25

@PeppermintMandy totally agree

ru53 · 20/12/2023 16:26

I know people are going to think I’m a sanctimonious twat here but there are so many of these threads that stem from presents being invested with far more meaning than they should have imo. And excessive spending, if you just get everyone modest gifts it’s just so much easier to avoid the drama. (Appreciate its not OP doing the buying.) It should just be a thought, a gesture and not about the monetary value. And frankly I do find it weird adults getting upset about stuff like this. Maybe because presents just weren’t a big thing in our house growing up and same for DH. We were just grateful for what we got. And it might not have always been exactly equal but then I don’t equate value of gift with level of love & affection. My PIL usually get me socks or something which I’m very happy with, they are incredibly generous & supportive in other far more meaningful ways.

DeeLusional · 20/12/2023 16:26

What I find most weird about this is that you can not sit down with YOUR OWN PARENTS and say, What is this all about?

thebestinterest · 20/12/2023 16:27

I think that’s bizarre! The pressure of opening gifts in front of everyone. Ugh. The whole tradition grosses me out.

coffeeaddict77 · 20/12/2023 16:27

PeppermintMandy · 20/12/2023 15:38

Why does the value of the gift equate to the amount of thought? Or the amount you like or appreciate someone? Just flinging in “other small presents” to reach an arbitrary equal number is just pointless. Especially on a planet dying with overconsumption.

Show quote history

I didn't say the value equates to the amount of thought. The other small presents would be things I hope they would like or find useful. People can like more than one thing you know.

Crumpleton · 20/12/2023 16:37

Put it this way, if I spent £30 on my DM or DF and £130 on my MIL or FIL, I can guarantee you my mum would be so cross, my dad probably less so but I know he would still notice. My mum would hate if it was done to her, so it's not okay for her to do it to someone else.

Then this is your perfect opportunity.
Buy your PIL an expensive gift each and when/if your DM asks why just play ignorant and ask what she means when/if she gives an explanation it's your chance to let her know she's been doing exactly the same thing for SIL over the years so what's her problem.

dontgobaconmyheart · 20/12/2023 16:39

I don't think YABU necessarily OP, I really don't and can sympathise, but I have to say I would be so embarrassed if my DP approached his parents about this and was not only totting up what had been spent on certain adults but then saying they need to gift a certain person in private if it cost more. All it will look like is that your DP has been complaining about the costs of his gifts and you will all look grabby and resentful. I wouldn't want that personally, would be mortified to know that conversation had happened and can't see what it will achieve. I actually also wouldn't want them spending more on me as a response to a complaint either or feeling obliged to so it's lose-lose.

There may be nothing conscious behind it, they may find her easier to buy for, maybe they do want to impress her. Ultimately it is their money to spend as they like and I really think it's best with these things to not make anything more of it where you can or make it heirarchical. I'd try and reframe it. It's not as if adults actually need presents to unwrap or that those presents need to same amount or it risks a fallout, it sounds like everyone gets something and it is what it is.

I think most years now my DP's family have spent more on me than they do on him, I always see it as them just trying to be welcoming and a wish to seem generous, which it is.

JanuaryBauble · 20/12/2023 16:49

My ILs spend more on my BIL's ex than on their two DS. They want to impress her. She has a wealthy second husband and lots of stuff they find impressive - big house, horses. I find it revolting. They spend £500 on her (eg chef knives last year!) - DH usually gets a £50 John Lewis voucher.

coffeeaddict77 · 20/12/2023 16:50

BrimfulOfMash · 20/12/2023 15:45

And do people really sit around totting up the relative value of gifts? Yuk!

I have no idea how much different perfume / jewellery/ clothing costs.

Edited

I doubt anyone sits around totting up the cost of gifts given to them. It's pretty obvious if you have half a brain if gifts are vastly unequal though don't you think?

Crumpleton · 20/12/2023 16:51

housethatbuiltme · 20/12/2023 15:48

I find it funny how many mumsnetters say:

'I don't spend the same on my kids at xmas, I buy what they want/need/like instead of spend for spending sake. They'll never notice and it'll all just even out eventually' etc... usually while saying how they spent £400+ on one kid and £100 on the other.

Then the kids that apparently 'will never notice or care' grow you get threads like this which get responses of:

'spending more on one sibling than the others is so unfair. She clearly loves them more' etc...

Because honestly I see this again and again where it NEVER evens out and they very much ARE aware. If they are past toddler age they are just to polite/hurt to call out their parents out.

Its not even actually about the gifts being the problem (the gifts might be lovely) its the blatant obvious inequality which is almost always a symptom of something much deeper in the relationship.

Having had this discussion with my DC only last night, yet again, I can 100% say neither one gives a toss what the other gets.
There take is as they're both working if they want/need something they buy it as and when needed.

However both whole heartedly agreed that if I gave one more roast spuds or pigs in blankets on Christmas day than the other then that's a whole different argument and a show of total favouritism.

EatMyHead · 20/12/2023 16:58

It's their money they can spend it how they like. It's nice to receive presents for Christmas, I can't imagine what it must be like so have some ledger turning over in the back of your mind where you add them up and compare them to what other people have got.

I don't get all this stuff at all.

moomoomoo27 · 20/12/2023 17:00

We do this in our family for people we don't see much because we can't be bothered to post birthday presents and we'd rather have the extra money go on the present than the posting and wrapping, especially if their birthday is in Dec or Jan. Could it be something similar?

Devonshiregal · 20/12/2023 17:02

REP22 · 20/12/2023 13:05

One of the things that I find most challenging at Christmas is that it always shows up how very, very much my mother loves my SIL more than me. She is absolutely lovely and a wonderful SIL, but having heard a few years back "you're the daughter I always wanted but never had" said to her when I was in the next room is hard to get over. My SIL was left uncomfortable and embarrassed by it as well, but it's a bit of an unbroachable subject.

But you're not wrong; what they're doing is bonkers. I'm sorry. But it sounds like your DH has your back over this and that's a good thing. But I probably wouldn't say anything - it might make it worse. Next year she'll get a Cartier bracelet and you'll get an orange.

Fuck me. I thought I had it bad. That made me really sad and cross on your behalf. Sending glittery Christmas spirit your way

easylikeasundaymorn · 20/12/2023 17:03

OnlyCorrect · 20/12/2023 15:46

You say it's not the money but clearly it is, since that's the only discrepancy you mention? I find it really weird that you're there totting up the monetary cost of everything (and assuming that you're correct in your calculations) during present opening. I couldn't tell you what my ILs received last year let alone how much it was.

You don't exactly need a calculator and notepad to be aware of the difference between say a novelty mug and bar of chocolate and designer perfume!

It's not as if OP is complaining that her parents spent twenty quid on her dh and 25 on sil -It's a very obvious and significant disparity!

REP22 · 20/12/2023 17:08

@Devonshiregal thank you, you're very kind. I hope you have a fabulous Christmas too. x

MBL · 20/12/2023 17:11

So I think the key here is that it's your parents doing this. My ils always gave me a token present and I was totally fine with it (they gave their kids a bit more). If my mum bought one s/dil a really obviously generous gift and the other a £10 with no good reason I would be sort of embarrassed on her behalf.

I get it. It looks like they are trying to say something. Equal or better gift to their child for dil and a token gift for son in law.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 20/12/2023 17:13

Lemsipper · 20/12/2023 12:50

How can you say this…..when she is their literal daughter.

Show quote history

Doesn't follow - I'm closer to SIL (who's also my next of kin) than to my sister

Zebedee55 · 20/12/2023 17:13

It’s their money, and they can buy what and who for they like. Just enjoy your own gifts. 🎁 🙄

tescocreditcard · 20/12/2023 17:17

Don't confuse money with love.

PeppermintMandy · 20/12/2023 17:21

From you

Men are harder to buy for, yes and my parents have openly admitted that they struggle to think of things to buy my DH and often have to ask me for ideas (I struggle with this too as I often don’t know what to get him myself!)

If your Mum would be upset that you spent more on your MIL than you spent on her then she is as childish as you.

PeppermintMandy · 20/12/2023 17:31

I don't think you quite understand the thread, to be honest.

It's not about the exact amount of money spent. It's about the very obvious and consistent pampering of one person in the family, year after year, more than the others.

If it was just about 'getting a present that someone likes' then the SIL would sometimes be the one who gets a pair of M&S knickers while the OP's husband got a Ralph Lauren sweater and a bottle of Tom Ford aftershave.

Also, the OP very clearly pointed out that her parents get her and her SIL the same items but then the SIL gets some more presents from them on top of that while the OP doesn't.

So the OP gets pyjamas and perfume (very nice, good gifts, no complaints) while the SIL gets identical pyjamas and perfume but also a couple of extra gifts as well. Consistently. Not as a one-off.

Regardless of what you think about the money, that is very, very obviously deliberately favouring one person in the family more than the others.

I completely understand the thread.

No it absolutely is not “very, very obviously favouring one person in the family more than others” unless you are shallow person who thinks the gifts you receive equals the amount you are valued and loved as a person.

DM has admitted she finds OP’s DH very hard to buy for and OP admits she agrees that he is hard to buy for. End of story. No existential crisis needed. So what if SIL gets a couple of little extra things than OP?? It’s means absolutely nothing beyond DM happened to see something SIL in particular would like, or she was given suggestions by her son of what to buy SIL and so she added those things in. Leaping to “favouritism” and “embarrassment” and “snubs” based entirely off of present giving ONCE a YEAR is barking mad. If this was a pattern of behaviour eg. Spending more time with SIL, giving only them a significant cash gift for a house deposit, seeing the grandchildren from that relationships much more often then sure there might be an issue…but Christmas gifts??? Good God it’s pathetic.

Nicole1111 · 20/12/2023 17:32

Mil couldn’t help but notice last year that you seemed to struggle with dh’s presents as he got significantly less than sil. Dh was a little worried that it was a reflection of your relationship with him. I’m happy to give you some gift ideas for little presents he’d appreciate. Alternatively perhaps you can give sil some presents in private on another day. That way you don’t have to buy more for dh.

Callipygion · 20/12/2023 17:35

If it were my mum doing that I’d have asked her (sort of jokily and not in front of anyone) how come you buy SIL more than me, and if she liked her better!

Benmac · 20/12/2023 17:38

Possibly time to suggest that next year either buy for kids only otr at least set a very modest limit on each adult present.? Never quite understood why adults need to do lavish gifts to each other.