To feel resentful of how much DP's spend on SIL for Christmas?

[RightwayUP01]

This is one of those situations where I probably am being unreasonable to be honest but it makes me feel embarrassed and awkward and I'm wondering whether to try and mitigate it this year by saying something...or would that be completely unreasonable?

My parents every year on Christmas day give me my presents, then immediately after give my SIL (DB's wife) her gifts. They're always exactly the same as mine (so for example perfume, new PJ's/ Slippers and jewellery) which in itself I've always found a bit odd. However, the last 2 years they've given me my presents in front of everyone, then given SIL hers and she's received exactly the same gifts as me as usual, but then also a couple of extra?! Even DH looked a bit shocked and embarrassed last year.

They also clearly don't spend half the amount on DH as they do SIL, which again, is embarrassing when we're exchanging gifts in front of one another. DH has never said anything but last year I felt affronted for him.

WIBU to say something along the lines of if there's massive discrepancies in terms of presents, please give gifts privately?

I know I sound like a 6 year old brat, it's NOT the money, it's the principal. I have 2 SIL's DH's side and there's no way that my PIL would spend the same or more on me than they do both of their DD's which is completely understandable. There's also no way they'd spend loads more on my 2 BIL's and not make any attempt to hide it on Christmas day.

This is a tricky one. In my Husband's family I always get more because my MIL and her sister think I am 'fun to buy for' and so always go over the top. In my family my Husband gets less because he is seen as 'hard to buy for' (not strictly true - but my Husband tends not to like what my family buy him so doesn't mind) whereas my SIL gets quite a bit more. For us it makes sense and kind of feels right. For you it sounds like it doesn't - does your SIL spend a lot more time with your parents than you or your Husband?

I would agree with this. If you are sure you need to say anything, it wouldn't be great for the atmosphere to say it in your house to guests - it would be embarrassing for them and might cause...not a scene, but a bit of discomfort.

Not for one moment am I saying that what they are doing is right or that you shouldn't say anything, but I just don't think you can call people out when you're hosting. Maybe call your Mum today and say you've thought of a fantastic list of suggestions for DH and you're going to share some with her - a cashmere scarf, a good book of some kind, some suit socks, silk handkerchiefs, a subscription to a coffee or chocolate club, it doesn't even matter what, but just even one properly luxurious thing that won't take too much notice to get at this stage and will at least take the bare look off the gift they probably already have.

Spoiled brat

Yeah. There's no WAY that will lead to resentment between your children and your son being perceived as the golden child 🙄

Does sound a bit strange of her.

Does your DM even realise what she's doing, is she the type that buys things along the way and doesn't take into consideration what she's actually bought and ends up with x amount for SIL and very litte for your DH.
Have you suggested ideas to her of items your DH may like?

I'm one that dreads Christmas present buying as one DC can always come up with ideas of what they want and the other never wants anything, truth be told it's been like that the last 5 or 6 Christmas yet I still buy his DG a present if she names one she'd like.

As awful as I feel I'm not prepared to buy/force something on them they don't want/need just because it's Christmas.

I dunno
This year I've spent £600 on my son and £100 on my daughter. Thing is, they're both getting what they want, I just happened to get daughter's gifts at incredible prices.

It's not about arbitrary equality of spend, nor about monetary value of what gifts are given, but about the blatant imbalance between SIL and OP's DH. That's obviously an embarrassing situation for OP and her DH and probably everyone else there. I'm sure if OP's DH was given thoughtful presents it wouldn't be an issue. The issue is clearly that SIL is spoilt rotten while in the same room, DH is given some pyjamas (or whatever), and OP doesn't want her DH feeling snubbed.

Sorry but I remain mind blown that this would be “embarrassing” for OP, her DH and everybody there. What thoughtful gifts do you suggest for DH? DM has asked OP and OP doesn’t have any suggestions even though she married the man, but you expect DM to magic up some “thoughtful” gifts? Maybe DB gives good suggestions to DM about what to buy SIL? As for feeling snubbed…what childish nonsense.

Sitting totting up in your head how much has been spent on one versus the other on Christmas Day? 🤢

💯

Why does the value of the gift equate to the amount of thought? Or the amount you like or appreciate someone? Just flinging in “other small presents” to reach an arbitrary equal number is just pointless. Especially on a planet dying with overconsumption.

yes, you do sound like a 6 year old. It really isn’t that important.

What are the extra gifts that SIL got that you didn’t? Is she easy to buy for because she has specific hobbies / interests? Is she more forthcoming giving them a list? Maybe they have DH less because he couldn’t suggest anything and gave her more because she came up with a list that they enjoyed buying and savings on his made hers possible?

Honestly, I don’t think you can or should say anything about this, you will sound bratty and grabby and throw tension into the day.

I don't think you quite understand the thread, to be honest.

It's not about the exact amount of money spent. It's about the very obvious and consistent pampering of one person in the family, year after year, more than the others.

If it was just about 'getting a present that someone likes' then the SIL would sometimes be the one who gets a pair of M&S knickers while the OP's husband got a Ralph Lauren sweater and a bottle of Tom Ford aftershave.

Also, the OP very clearly pointed out that her parents get her and her SIL the same items but then the SIL gets some more presents from them on top of that while the OP doesn't.

So the OP gets pyjamas and perfume (very nice, good gifts, no complaints) while the SIL gets identical pyjamas and perfume but also a couple of extra gifts as well. Consistently. Not as a one-off.

Regardless of what you think about the money, that is very, very obviously deliberately favouring one person in the family more than the others.

And do people really sit around totting up the relative value of gifts? Yuk!

I have no idea how much different perfume / jewellery/ clothing costs.

Why are you making stuff up? I've never said I didn't have any suggestions? I gave my parents a list of things they could buy for DH this year (I've done it every year, but yes, it's hard to think of things but I do think of them and let DP know)

Put it this way, if I spent £30 on my DM or DF and £130 on my MIL or FIL, I can guarantee you my mum would be so cross, my dad probably less so but I know he would still notice. My mum would hate if it was done to her, so it's not okay for her to do it to someone else.

Thank you!

You say it's not the money but clearly it is, since that's the only discrepancy you mention? I find it really weird that you're there totting up the monetary cost of everything (and assuming that you're correct in your calculations) during present opening. I couldn't tell you what my ILs received last year let alone how much it was.

I find it funny how many mumsnetters say:

'I don't spend the same on my kids at xmas, I buy what they want/need/like instead of spend for spending sake. They'll never notice and it'll all just even out eventually' etc... usually while saying how they spent £400+ on one kid and £100 on the other.

Then the kids that apparently 'will never notice or care' grow you get threads like this which get responses of:

'spending more on one sibling than the others is so unfair. She clearly loves them more' etc...

Because honestly I see this again and again where it NEVER evens out and they very much ARE aware. If they are past toddler age they are just to polite/hurt to call out their parents out.

Its not even actually about the gifts being the problem (the gifts might be lovely) its the blatant obvious inequality which is almost always a symptom of something much deeper in the relationship.

Yes, I think it's the latter. They're maintaining access to their son and grandchildren.

I definitely would talk to them about it, and say how offensive it is.

Thinking about it, I would be tempted to indulge in some nuclear level passive-aggression. Give your parent something cheap and generic, then tell them about the wonderful presents you've bought your in-laws.

I hope for your sake she doesn't find out.

Sounds like they are trying to buy her affection a bit. I know my ex in laws were like that with their daughter in laws at the time. It was a bit so that the SIL could tell their parents that they were given x/y/z. Its just to show off really.

Secret Santa is the way to go.

Since when did cost equate to love? What is wrong with you?

So then surely you would top up dd's gifts with an additional voucher or something,?

£600 on one and £100 on the other? Wow!

Unless your DD is a toddler and wouldn't know any different, I strongly suspect you will pay for this long term.
(Speaking from very personal experience of over 50 years.)

When the difference is blatantly obvious!

What's wrong with you?