To feel resentful of how much DP's spend on SIL for Christmas?

[RightwayUP01]

This is one of those situations where I probably am being unreasonable to be honest but it makes me feel embarrassed and awkward and I'm wondering whether to try and mitigate it this year by saying something...or would that be completely unreasonable?

My parents every year on Christmas day give me my presents, then immediately after give my SIL (DB's wife) her gifts. They're always exactly the same as mine (so for example perfume, new PJ's/ Slippers and jewellery) which in itself I've always found a bit odd. However, the last 2 years they've given me my presents in front of everyone, then given SIL hers and she's received exactly the same gifts as me as usual, but then also a couple of extra?! Even DH looked a bit shocked and embarrassed last year.

They also clearly don't spend half the amount on DH as they do SIL, which again, is embarrassing when we're exchanging gifts in front of one another. DH has never said anything but last year I felt affronted for him.

WIBU to say something along the lines of if there's massive discrepancies in terms of presents, please give gifts privately?

I know I sound like a 6 year old brat, it's NOT the money, it's the principal. I have 2 SIL's DH's side and there's no way that my PIL would spend the same or more on me than they do both of their DD's which is completely understandable. There's also no way they'd spend loads more on my 2 BIL's and not make any attempt to hide it on Christmas day.

I couldn’t get worked up about this. Buy each other an extra present each!

I don't understand how some folk aren't getting that this is cringetastic and horrid for OP's DH.

It isn't the value really...

Its this:

Mum to OP's DH: Here you go, here is a gift happy christmas

Mum to SIL: Here you go, here is a gift, and another, and another, and another oh and this one here and this one and that one... happy christmas.

It is not the case that the SIL happens to like 1 item worth 130 quid and the OP's DH only likes 1 item worth £30.

Its that SIL is getting multiple fairly expensive gifts, when Mum COULD simply just buy her ONE of these things... if someones easy to buy for, great, but you don't have to KEEP buying...

@RightwayUP01 Talk to your mum, tell her it is becoming obvious that she's buying SIL a ton of gifts and that there is a huge discrepancy there and its awkward, your DH is wondering what he did wrong, SIL is feeling uncomfy, you're feeling uncomfy... please wind it in or give SIL the excess privately at another time if she really must go OTT about it.

@PeppermintMandy I find my dads (2 yes) hard to buy for. So I look around ask around, research and I find something that is thoughtful. I never bought them boxers from M&S and then bought my FIL expensive bottles of wine and aftershave. Presenting them all at the same time

It's the lack of consideration and thought op has an issue with. NOT the difference in money. I am sure if her mother had purchased a thoughtful gift for her DH that shows she had considered his interests and hobbies it would not feel as if SIL was the favourite. You are honing in on the money and the fact the dh is "hard to buy for" yet OP has also said she has supplied wish lists for her dh. Yet mum is not using them.

It is NOT pathetic to mind blatant favouritism.

It doesn't sound like you're being unreasonable, though obviously there could be plenty of mitigating factors we're not aware of - your parents spending more on you & DH during the year (even through taking you out for dinner or whatnot) for example, disparities in your finances, or SIL's gifts being easier to find on sale.

But the unfortunate reality is that complaining about gifts almost always ends up trumping the original behavior on the rudeness scale, so I would be extremely hesitant to say something directly.

I'd consider suggesting structure to gift-giving in future years for the family instead that would ease this issue as well as the struggle to find things for harder-to-buy-for people like your DH. Adults could draw names and each buy for one person with an agreed-on spending limit, for example. Or agree to not exchange gifts between adults and instead spend that money on a family outing.

You’re not obliged to like someone more than someone else just because you’re related.

Lots of assumptions here! I’d be really annoyed if my mother got less for my husband. My husband helps choose gifts. I would NEVER expect to get more off my in-laws for Christmas than my BILs get!! My brother in law is usually the one choosing gifts for my children!

I think you mentioned up thread that your brother and sil hosted last year…

is it possible that your parents gave her a bigger gift last year as she was the hostess???

And that you’ll get a bigger gift this year

maybe?

Just tell them to knock the silly present buying on the head. No adults need to have Slippers etc bought for them.

Can't wait for the day it becomes the normal to stop presents. Much less hassle all round.

Oh how posts like yours make me feel ashamed of people I share the earth with. Christmas is not about how much you spend or receive. I feel sad that you don't know that, especially at your advanced age.

To be honest @RightwayUP01 I don’t think there is anything you can do about it this year, as it is too close to Christmas Day. However, if it does happen again this year, I would say to your dm that you have decided to have Christmas just the 4 of you, moving forward.

It maybe seems childish, but I couldn’t just sit there watching my dm give so much more to her dil, than to me, but also being quite mean to dh as well. It isn’t just the financial aspect, but the fact that your dm is blatantly playing favourites, which really isn’t on.

In fact I probably would turn round to dm after Christmas Day, and say what I had given to ils, making it sound more than what I had given to her and df. If she wasn’t pleased (as you said she wouldn’t be), I would just say that now you know what it’s been like for dh and I for the last few years, hence why you have decided not to spend Christmas with them next year.

But then again, I can be a bitch!

So you don't spend money or receive presents at Christmas then? If you do it is part of your Christmas so try not to be so sanctimonious.

I'd say something regarding your dh I think. And just point out the favouritism

My grown up DD spends the same on me and SD as her DF and SM. It's not really fair as we do so.much for her but I know that she stresses about gifts but knows I'm not fussed and more bothered about seeing her. Maybe your DM is uncertain about the relationship with SIL so spends more. Try not to over think it.

They give you lots of presents, 'perfume, new PJ's/ Slippers and jewellery'. I'd say thanks and move on.

What do your DPs buy your DB? Surely your DH should get the same according to their 'rules' It's very strange. Maybe ask what they've got for your DH before Xmas day and then if it's a token gift have a word. It's not a pleasant situation but your DPs have created it

You really have to wonder why people bother to comment sometimes.

Sil is sat with 8 expensive gifts, dd said with 4 lovely gifts… sil new boxers . Op is only going to suggest private gift giving not any changes. Op I would feel the same

I would laugh and say « what did DH do to you? » in a funny way!

Makes the point in a non-confrontational way. I can’t believe you haven’t said anything! I don’t understand families when people don’t take the piss about something like that!

Could you suggest doing the presents differently so it's less on show? And prewarn Mom

Given how awkward it was last year when Jess got the same presents as me then some more, and John only got a second hand bar of soap, I think it better of we just put all the presents under the tree and open them simultaneously, rather than making a production over how much more Jess has than anyone else.

So you'd happily spend £3k on your DIL, £100 on your actual daughter and £5 on your SIL because one has now things she wants then the others?

My lord I hate when people raise genuine complaints as if they're joking. And then when this textbook passive aggressive behavior doesn't get the desired outcome they're inevitably even more put out 🙄

I don’t think taking the piss is passive agressive tbh- most things aren’t that serious. Piss taking is my families main form of communication.

Op isn't saying she doesn't get enough. She's pointing out that DIL gets perfume, new pjs, slippers, jewellery plus say a handbag and a hairdryer. SIL gets a multi pack of pants.

Sounds like your family taught you that passive aggressive communication is normal @bonzaitree

Taking the piss is great when you're genuinely just taking the piss. That's different than using "jokes" as cover for real complaints about things that are hurtful. The goal in your scenario isn't for everyone to find it funny, it's to make someone uncomfortable so that they'll change their behavior without you having to actually communicate how you feel. The by-product is that people are constantly scanning "jokes" (and every other comment or act in some families) for serious criticism or manipulation.

Maybe SIL is a bit tricky and they feel they have to keep her happy to maintain access to the grandchildren that side? It may not even be a conscious thing.