To feel resentful of how much DP's spend on SIL for Christmas?

[RightwayUP01]

This is one of those situations where I probably am being unreasonable to be honest but it makes me feel embarrassed and awkward and I'm wondering whether to try and mitigate it this year by saying something...or would that be completely unreasonable?

My parents every year on Christmas day give me my presents, then immediately after give my SIL (DB's wife) her gifts. They're always exactly the same as mine (so for example perfume, new PJ's/ Slippers and jewellery) which in itself I've always found a bit odd. However, the last 2 years they've given me my presents in front of everyone, then given SIL hers and she's received exactly the same gifts as me as usual, but then also a couple of extra?! Even DH looked a bit shocked and embarrassed last year.

They also clearly don't spend half the amount on DH as they do SIL, which again, is embarrassing when we're exchanging gifts in front of one another. DH has never said anything but last year I felt affronted for him.

WIBU to say something along the lines of if there's massive discrepancies in terms of presents, please give gifts privately?

I know I sound like a 6 year old brat, it's NOT the money, it's the principal. I have 2 SIL's DH's side and there's no way that my PIL would spend the same or more on me than they do both of their DD's which is completely understandable. There's also no way they'd spend loads more on my 2 BIL's and not make any attempt to hide it on Christmas day.

Or do the £10/20 limit token love for Chrimbo. Spoil lovies personally on birthdays with your big spend... ...

OP do you always spend Christmas Day with your parents? You say you alternate hosting but doesn't your PIL or your SIL parents sometimes want you with them on Christmas Day? I would be tempted to break with this tradition of always seeing them Christmas Day and maybe see them Boxing Day instead of your PiL. Suggest you all forego gifts if it happens again.

Your parents sound like my grandparents, who took own daughter for granted despite her being there for them and expecting so little but treated daughter in law like a roualty, who didnt care much for them. Underneath it all, they were reying ri win son and daughter in law and spent whole lives trting to please them. In the end, they left massive inheritance for son and daughter in law, not much for daughter. Daughter had a learning disability and fonacially weaker yjan son and wife. Hope your parents are not like that.

But sone parents can be so focussed on pleasing one child that they would ignore the other. It is n9t about the money, it's what it conveys in the end.

You can ask your parent for this discrepancy and based on how their reponse is you can decide if you should visit them every week or a bit less often like favourite party, obviously it depends on other aspect of your relationship with them.
Despite this, my mother did so much more, at the expense of her own well being at times, and it makes sense as she was raised to be the kind girl versus the son who only had to think about his needs / wants.

OP, is @Keeper11 your mum..?

I agree with this. My mother seems to fawn over all of her sons and daughters in law. Her actual kids (there are 5 of us) tend to joke about it. We worked out over the years that its because she’s less secure in her relationship with them (or feels that she is) and so needs to butter them up somehow in case she upsets them and this affects relationship with sons, grandchildren in some way. None of them are likely to be mean to her in any way but she’s just insecure. We laugh about it (it’s easier to chat about when there’s so many of us I suppose) but I can see that it’s a bit ridiculous for OP’s DIL to get £££ loads more presents!

Another situation where presents cause unnecessary anger and bitterness. I dont understand how adults get dragged into these scenarios and counting the gifts and totting up the cost.

Remove all hassle and just do kids presents or secret Santa for adults. Im sure as an adult you can but your own slippers, as can your sister in law who probably finds the situation awkward and a bit wierd.

In my first marriage I was married to a twin (husband had a twin brother). At Christmas time myself and my SIL would be given exactly the same gift eg a jumper one year, same design, colour etc! 🤣

Yes I can understand why it is hurtful for you OP.

However the time to have had the face to face conversation regarding this was after last Christmas when you experienced this. If you see your DPs weekly you must have a good enough relationship to call them out over this.

A phone call 2 days before Christmas is not enough I think.

I'd see what happens this year then have an honest and frank conversation post Christmas with them. They are obviously oblivious of the hurt it is causing. Or that it is even noticed.

Also agree on secret Santa amp but he adults. That's what we do. So gifts for all kids and secret Santa for adults and DC over 21 yrs old. Stops all this rubbish and streamlines the stress of Christmas shopping.

*among the adults

Definitely, so much rubbish exchanged, I'm just grumpy though and would hate someone else to choose my pjs, perfume and slippers plus I'm old enough to buy my own

@sassyclassyandsmartassy thank you; you are very kind. I'm so sorry to hear what has happened in your family; that's sounds very challenging and distressing. Christmas seems to shine a tinselly spotlight on difficult family dynamics like no other time of year. Sending solidarity and strength and every good wish. x

That was my thought too, they feel inferior and are trying to impress her

This is why our family made the decision to only buy for the children. It all seems a bit odd (unless you have adult family members who are struggling financially) to talk about giving an adult who is earning their own income £50 or items to the values mentioned. Keep your money and buy yourself what you want, it saves the embarrassment of unwanted gifts and wasted money.

Do it!! Tell your parents you bought your PIL a big extravagant gift - an air fryer or a laptop or something!!
See what she says. If she gets in a mood about it admit it was a wind up just to show her that it’s unfair that she does exactly that to your DH!

OR simply phone her and ask her why she doesn’t like your DH…. Then say ‘oh ok, we’ll it feels like you don’t like him when you spend 6 times the amount on SIL than you do in him!

@RightwayUP01 if the same thing happens this year then I absolutely have to wonder why you would spend future Christmas days with your family?….
why don’t you go to your in laws or host them in future on Christmas Day ?

my parents spend pretty much exactly the same on all 4 DC, & 3 in laws.. and the GC get the same budget too

It's not exactly the same situation but my ILs will usually spend around £50-60 on my presents. My mum on the other hand asked me one year what I thought my husband would like and I said I wasn't sure so maybe some vouchers. She gave him a £10 Amazon voucher. I could have died. She spends very generously on her own children so my siblings and I were sitting there with our £150 or so worth of presents. Absolutely mortifying. These days I either give a very specific suggestion for a gift, or I ask for a joint gift for us both, usually something for the house or garden.

Why not suggest as a family you put a cap on how much you spend per person?

YANBU. I’m sorry I don’t have the energy to suggest exactly how to word it but I believe a tactful quiet word along the lines of “your gifts are extremely generous to SIL but I can’t help notice the huge difference & wonder why? And whether you see /appreciate it’s bit unfair/a little hurtful to DP? “ Something like that. Just to make point is fair OP. If they don’t take that on board then I’m not sure u can do much else as guess it’s just their choice or they might find it easier to buy for a woman 🤷🏼‍♀️ don’t feel bad about mentioning it sensitively though.

Yes that is an unforgivable thing for someone's mother to say, I think if I'd of over heard that, I would of had to burst into the room immediately and confront my mother as to wtf was that all about. I really feel for Rep22 , I also feel for OP and unfair gifts. Families are so cruel, I was never my fathers favourite child throughout my life in general let alone Christmas but that's another story

Did you raise it with your mum, OP? I'm of the call it out persuasion - I tend to think that unkind people get away with too much because everyone else is expected to keep a dignified silence. I also have no issue with keeping difficult relationships at arm's length, it's been a revelation since I began to take that attitude.

I know it's slightly off topic but I honestly didn't know adults spent so much money on other adults. In my family, we only buy for the kids. I couldn't imagine having to find another few hundred quid to buy stuff for the adults too.

This is not a criticism at all. I genuinely didn't realise adults did this.

I thought the poster said she gets the same as her (the daughter) plus some extras

What happened this year?

Hope you had a lovely Christmas.