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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband lied about his salary

321 replies

Truecrimemama · 20/12/2023 06:06

apologies if anything similar has been posted before but I’ve looked and can’t find anyone in a similar boat.

ive recently found out that my husband earns significantly less than he’s always disclosed to me, for context we don’t share finances or a bank account and I’ve actually never questioned him about it because why would he be lying. Ive always believed that he earned 40k a decent comfortable salary for where we are in the north of England. And combined with what I earn a very good joint income. it actually turns out my husband earns over £15,000 less and I’m shocked although a lot of things are starting to make sense.

For a little bit of context my husband pays all the bills and I pay for everything else, things like all of our clothes, everything for the kids, any extras we need, things for the home, and my own personal bills and holidays for just a few examples. This has always worked out. The problem has been that my husband had always complained about ‘not having any money’ and money has always been a huge point of contention any decision that we should be making together about matters to do with the house car or money he will completely blow up and then storm off. He’s always been right but him constantly claiming to be broke has really started to wear thin. I had a suspicion he was hiding something from me so I have offered multiple times to also on top of everything else I pay for to pay a share of the bills, on the provision that he shows me all his ingoings and outgoing plus any savings he has so we can make a proper budget. He has always point blank refused.

anyway last night we got into another huge argument about money and he shouted at me and stormed off for a couple of hours. When he got back we sat down and discussed it properly where he said that he only earns 25k a year take home pay after tax and deductions on the 40k a year. He had always framed it that he earned 40k take home and I believed him, I knew this wasn’t right and there was no way he was paying 15k a year tax. So for the first time I googled his salary at his company and for his exact role his pre tax pay is £31,000 bringing his take home pay to that £25,000 he was talking about.

when I goggled the company he works for I also saw that all employees had a pretty significant one off bonus during covid that he never told me about. His mum had also given him a sizeable amount of money About 20,000 which I do know about but that he wont touch or do anything with, so when an unexpected expense come along such as something going wrong with the car he will then complain about how it’s left him short, and that he’s got no money, when I point out the money his mother gave him he will act like he’s just saving it for her and that it’s not really his to spend! Which I’m not quite sure I believe

ive always felt like my husband is financially controlling, tight and a Scrooge when it comes to money, I’ve always felt like he uses money as a stick to beat me with, saying things like he might lose his job periodically or that his role will soon be decommissioned, I’ve suggested him to go for a promotion in the company if he’s worried about that but he always said he’d rather take a pay cut than take on a more senior role and work more hours. I'm totally at a loss and feel so stupid for just taking what he said for the past 10 plus years at face value

just looking for some validation really and to see if anyone else has encountered anything like this before.

OP posts:
FedUpMumof10YO · 20/12/2023 06:23

I absolutely hate lies. I can't see anything but the mistruth. For me personally, I don't know how you can go forward.

Once you start thinking, what else has he lied about? you'll start to question everything.

Kittenkitty · 20/12/2023 06:28

I can almost see how he got in this position, maybe showing off a little - it’s not ok though. The bonus makes sense that he didn’t tell you, because I imagine it wasn’t large enough to take him to his “salary”. The most unacceptable bit is that he’s still lying and not being honest, I’d ask him one more time - are all the cards on the table now? And if he lies and says yes then I’d have to consider leaving him.

Smerpsmorp · 20/12/2023 06:28

I am a part time teacher, with a student loan and paying into pension. My salary is £40000 this year - I have a tlr which brings it up to this.

i take home about 2100 per month, slightly more, which equals about 25k after tax, so he’s not necessarily lying.

Smugandproud · 20/12/2023 06:30

Well based on this new information you need to reassess how you split bills and perhaps look at his savings for holidays, car etc.
It’s no good having a rainy day fund if he won’t touch it when it’s obviously pouring.

Netaporter · 20/12/2023 06:32

@Truecrimemama What is the relationship with his Mum like? Is this part of the issue? I think your main areas of concern are :
-He’s lied to you for over a decade.
-He will never increase his earning potential as he won’t ever take a promotion. Any increase in your lifestyle will only come from your efforts
-There is no transparency in your marriage
-You want different standards of living

Marriage should be a partnership which this clearly isn’t. My guess would be that either your husband has debts or a huge sum squirrelled away to which you have no access. You don’t say if you have children or not, but this is not a healthy environment to bring them up in. If you don’t, please consider leaving now. You really don’t sound compatible.

Either way, only you can decide what you should do.

Marmalady75 · 20/12/2023 06:33

How can you ever trust this man again? Once a liar, always a liar!
he had got away with this for 10 years, not just a brag to a new girlfriend, 10 years to a wife and mother of his children. Also, how little does he think of you if he feels he needs to lie about money? I’m sure you didn’t just marry him for his salary.
I know I’m probably coming across as harsh, but a lie this size would rock my world and I would be considered all of my options.

Scarydinosaurs · 20/12/2023 06:37

I never think about salary in terms of total after tax. I think his way of describing it (40k a year) is how most people describe their salary.

That aside, his secrecy and nastiness is the problem.

Original poster
Truecrimemama · 20/12/2023 06:39

His mother is a bit of a nightmare, and my husband will never call out any of her behaviours. For the first 5 years she called me by his ex wife’s name periodically. She’s always favoured her other grandchildren and bragged about what she’s bought them and the day trios she’s taken them on. I try to limit my contact with her as thankfully now I am always at work when he visits her anyway. I do know that the money she’s given him is to use however he pleases, and I’ve heard her tell him to use the money on things like the car bill. But he refuses. X

OP posts:
drowninginsick · 20/12/2023 06:42

Are you sure he's lying? What does payslip say? I'm on jist over 40k gross but after pension/tax/ student loan it's £24k a year net Blush

Original poster
Truecrimemama · 20/12/2023 06:45

That’s the thing though, he’s always framed/bragged about the 40k being his take home pay or alluded to it. That being said if he did earn 40k and his take home pay was only 25k after tax and deductions I could see how it might have been lost in translation but looking on the company website, the pay scale is very clear and his salary before tax isn’t even 40k either it’s around the £31,000 mark! He doesn’t have any student loans and he doesn’t have a credit card or any personally loans of any kind he’s just never earned the money he said he had. In fact at one point he was complaining about paying the higher rate of income tax 😂

I can see how it might have been a lie that escalated when we first met, but he’s maintained it for over ten years.

OP posts:
Milliemoos5 · 20/12/2023 06:45

Smerpsmorp · 20/12/2023 06:28

I am a part time teacher, with a student loan and paying into pension. My salary is £40000 this year - I have a tlr which brings it up to this.

i take home about 2100 per month, slightly more, which equals about 25k after tax, so he’s not necessarily lying.

You misread,, he’s always said he takes home £40k ie that’s what he earns after tax. So he has been lying

TiredCatLady · 20/12/2023 06:46

drowninginsick · 20/12/2023 06:42

Are you sure he's lying? What does payslip say? I'm on jist over 40k gross but after pension/tax/ student loan it's £24k a year net Blush

This OP - student loan payments can be a killer depending on what plan he’s on.

Do you have a mortgage or are you renting because his income/lies about it would impact that.

In short, you need an all cards on the table discussion about finances including a full breakdown of earnings and deductions to decide how to move forward. That said, if he has been straight up lying to you about finances for a decade then I’d be inclined to wonder where else he’s been economical with the truth.

Crossinsomekindaline · 20/12/2023 06:46

I don't think he's lieing at all. 40k after tax, NI, pension and student loan is about 25k.

Nobody anywhere ever when talking salaries uses the post-deductions figure. YABU to be googling his salary and trying to twist your misunderstanding into ammunition for an argument.

He's also wise to be keeping his mums money for an actual emergency. Maybe he's getting his ducks in a row?

Soontobe60 · 20/12/2023 06:47

Milliemoos5 · 20/12/2023 06:45

You misread,, he’s always said he takes home £40k ie that’s what he earns after tax. So he has been lying

Show quote history

The OP said he ‘alluded’ to it.

Zanatdy · 20/12/2023 06:48

Well if he said he earns 40k he’s not lying. No-one really gives their salary as the amount pre tax. I have never worked mine out, though obviously it’s pretty easy to do. I guess the upshot is you contribute more, most couples who don’t share finances do 50/50. Least the pressure on him will reduce

Soontobe60 · 20/12/2023 06:48

I would insist you see his pay slips and bank account. After all, when you split up, he’s going to have to declare it anyway!

Heatherbell1978 · 20/12/2023 06:49

Salaries are always talked about in gross terms ie before tax. So if he says his salary is £40k that would assume before tax. And £25k maybe it's unreasonable after tax. Are you sure there just hasn't been some confusion here with the whole pre and post tax thing?

Cleo29 · 20/12/2023 06:51

Did he actually say 40k after tax? Most people don’t talk about salary like that - they talk about gross salary. To get 40k take home, he would have to be earning 60k gross (assuming average pension and student loan) has there not been some confusion about this?

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 20/12/2023 06:51

Nobody anywhere ever when talking salaries uses the post-deductions figure
I agree with this. Nobody speaks in take home pay!

but he refuses to be transparent over financies which doesnt make for a successful marriage.

TiredCatLady · 20/12/2023 06:51

Just saw your update - if no student loan then £40k and only taking home £25k is nonsense unless there is something else he’s keeping from you. (Not out of the realms of possibility with separate finances)

CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 20/12/2023 06:52

You can hardly blame him for this mess when you have been too lazy to check? Over the years when he claimed to be broke you obviously never sat down and did a line by line of expenses.

BettyBoo000 · 20/12/2023 06:52

First of all a lie is a lie and maybe he is keeping the mums money as he feels that is all he has and probably won’t have again. The other thing is he seems stuck in his current role yet with current cost of living he needs to maybe think about the future and change to improve his current salary situation. But I’d still be wondering why lie was he embarrassed as you earn more and thought it wouldn’t be a problem but now todays cost of living has proven has changed and now he feels it? Either way he should have been honest as you are to him because it’s put doubt now and that’s not fair he needs to own his lies and owes you a explanation because is there any more lies ? If that was you I’m sure he would not be impressed and tell you to use the gifted money so I’d confront him as it’s not good enough

Original poster
Truecrimemama · 20/12/2023 06:53

I would think that a huge bill on his car was an actual emergency but he would rather complain about how it has left him completely out of pocket and how now he can’t pay for XY or Z because of it.
no I haven’t seen his payslip because absolutely nothing on paper comes through the mail it never has, But I do know his pay grade at a National telecommunications company is because he’s told me what it and you can only earn your pay grade unless you seek a promotion and it’s clear on the website what the salary for his pay grade is.
I have never asked him for a share or any of his savings or gifts from his mum and he is free to do with it whatever he wants.

OP posts:
Orangesandsatsumas · 20/12/2023 06:56

This is strange. It sounds like it could be a misunderstanding. Is he paying more towards his pension than he has too? Are child maintenance payments coming out of that for previous children? Also I know you've found the pay online for his role but is this not just the entry level salary?

I would probably want to have a discussion about his goals career wise as he doesn't want to take on more responsibility. If that's the case and you aren't comfortable then maybe it's time to swap and you be the one to focus on your career.

Bournetilly · 20/12/2023 06:57

Most people talk about salary pre tax. His pay scale states £31,000 but does he work unsociable hours or do overtime which would increase this?

If he doesn’t pay student loan is it possible he earns just over £35,000 (with enhancements) and he’s rounded it up to £40,000?

If this is the case I wouldn’t really call him a liar.

What has he said to imply the £40,000 was after tax?

Either way he isn’t open/ honest with his outgoings and there are clearly other problems in the relationship.