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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband lied about his salary

321 replies

Truecrimemama · 20/12/2023 06:06

apologies if anything similar has been posted before but I’ve looked and can’t find anyone in a similar boat.

ive recently found out that my husband earns significantly less than he’s always disclosed to me, for context we don’t share finances or a bank account and I’ve actually never questioned him about it because why would he be lying. Ive always believed that he earned 40k a decent comfortable salary for where we are in the north of England. And combined with what I earn a very good joint income. it actually turns out my husband earns over £15,000 less and I’m shocked although a lot of things are starting to make sense.

For a little bit of context my husband pays all the bills and I pay for everything else, things like all of our clothes, everything for the kids, any extras we need, things for the home, and my own personal bills and holidays for just a few examples. This has always worked out. The problem has been that my husband had always complained about ‘not having any money’ and money has always been a huge point of contention any decision that we should be making together about matters to do with the house car or money he will completely blow up and then storm off. He’s always been right but him constantly claiming to be broke has really started to wear thin. I had a suspicion he was hiding something from me so I have offered multiple times to also on top of everything else I pay for to pay a share of the bills, on the provision that he shows me all his ingoings and outgoing plus any savings he has so we can make a proper budget. He has always point blank refused.

anyway last night we got into another huge argument about money and he shouted at me and stormed off for a couple of hours. When he got back we sat down and discussed it properly where he said that he only earns 25k a year take home pay after tax and deductions on the 40k a year. He had always framed it that he earned 40k take home and I believed him, I knew this wasn’t right and there was no way he was paying 15k a year tax. So for the first time I googled his salary at his company and for his exact role his pre tax pay is £31,000 bringing his take home pay to that £25,000 he was talking about.

when I goggled the company he works for I also saw that all employees had a pretty significant one off bonus during covid that he never told me about. His mum had also given him a sizeable amount of money About 20,000 which I do know about but that he wont touch or do anything with, so when an unexpected expense come along such as something going wrong with the car he will then complain about how it’s left him short, and that he’s got no money, when I point out the money his mother gave him he will act like he’s just saving it for her and that it’s not really his to spend! Which I’m not quite sure I believe

ive always felt like my husband is financially controlling, tight and a Scrooge when it comes to money, I’ve always felt like he uses money as a stick to beat me with, saying things like he might lose his job periodically or that his role will soon be decommissioned, I’ve suggested him to go for a promotion in the company if he’s worried about that but he always said he’d rather take a pay cut than take on a more senior role and work more hours. I'm totally at a loss and feel so stupid for just taking what he said for the past 10 plus years at face value

just looking for some validation really and to see if anyone else has encountered anything like this before.

OP posts:
Original poster
Truecrimemama · 20/12/2023 06:57

I was not too lazy to check, why would my husband not be honest about his finances he’s never had to ‘check’ my finances either because I’m completely honest about them. I have also offered to pay off the remaining amount on our mortgage to free up extra cash for him when he complains about money, I have offered to pay a share of the bills on the provision we sit down look at his ingoings and outgoings in his bank and any savings but he refuses?

OP posts:
MintJulia · 20/12/2023 06:58

Is this some weird hang-up related to his background? It feels tied up with image and ego.

Does he feel, as the man, he has to earn more than you? Does he feel he has to earn as much as his dad? That he has to be the big provider?
I know someone who would never take a promotion because that would put him in league with the 'bosses'.

Can he tell you why he lied?

Either way, at least you now have the true situation and can reallocate bills, taking the pressure off him a little, which might make him realise how much better it is when you to work as a team.

roseheartfly · 20/12/2023 07:00

I'm with you on this.

Whether odd or not he's led you to believe something and instead of coming clean the first time it caused an argument, he's been gaslighting you. He storms off and no doubt you feel terrible right?

I don't agree with not disclosing bonuses or gifts from him Mum. To a certain extent, yes he should be able to use it on something he wants but this guy is a family man? And family (wife and children) should come first. To let you worry and fret when he has the funds to resolve an issue is totally unacceptable.

You mentioned he has an ex wife? Why? Has he got form for dishonesty? And his older children does he/you support them? There is no judgment here I am also a step parent.

For me, personally, I wouldn't tolerate his lies. I'm not suggesting you divorce him but I would be demanding space to think it through.

You said yourself it's meant to be a partnership. But a partnership isn't you giving everything and him nothing.

Hope you are ok.

Marwoodsbigbreak · 20/12/2023 07:00

I would struggle to get over this level of deception. Also, he’s still lying about the money his mother gave him, and the bonus.

Would he consider counselling?

PermanentTemporary · 20/12/2023 07:01

You're having frequent rows about money. What is he actually saying?

I agree completely that you should have a much greater responsibility along with mutual transparency. You need to agree financial goals together.

It sounds to me that he may have some kind of financial history that you don't know about. My brother recently in his 50s had therapy to address a history he wasn't acknowledging that made him reluctant and anxious around any spending at all, ever. It has been transformative for him.

StrawberryWater · 20/12/2023 07:01

I’d be wondering what else Walter Mitty there had been lying about.

Not sure I could forgive a 10 year lie.

GreenSmithing · 20/12/2023 07:03

I think you need to ask to see his actual payslips/P60 whether electronically or he prints them at work, so that you can sit down together and work out a budget. And if he refuses to do that, I would be thinking about the relationship because you can't trust what he says, and you can't plan your future together.

More generally it seems like he has some deep seated anxiety about his earning power, what with the getting angry, lying and reluctance to apply for promotion, and he might benefit from counselling. But that's for him to engage with.

Original poster
Truecrimemama · 20/12/2023 07:09

He doesn’t have children with his ex wife no, so there is no maintenance or child maintenance anything like that. I don’t know his ex wife and to be honest he hasn’t told me a lot about her, other than they got married when he was very young and it was a mistake. My husband is older than me and sometimes I feel like he treats me like a child. He does indeed have outdated ideas about parental roles I think. I was a stay at home mum for a while and there was almost no money allocated to me, it was really tough. So I got a job and thankfully earn a great living now. I thought we were doing well but now I work myself my husband complains more about money than he did before My husband didn’t go to uni there is absolutely no students loans.

OP posts:
Original poster
Truecrimemama · 20/12/2023 07:11

I’ve asked to see his finances on many occasions before he’s just refused to show me every time. I’ve offered to pay off the mortgage to free to some extra money, I’ve offered to pay a portion of the bills but that he needs to show me his account and draw up a spend/budget with me. He refuses to do this

OP posts:
babyproblems · 20/12/2023 07:14

He doesn’t see you as his partner. End of.

You are married so having separate finances is insane and not how the courts would treat you in the event of divorce. I would attempt marriage counselling if you felt you could rebuild trust but could you after such a big lie d’or for so long?? It’s the deceit and lack of respect; him not being who you thought he was. It’s not about the money or amounts. It’s the lying. Best of luck x

Xmasisoffsantahascovid · 20/12/2023 07:17

My dh told me his wages were quite rubbish. We were struggling. I was borrowing off family to pay bills.. Over his shoulder I glanced at his online banking.. Didn't look right.. Asked outright to see it properly.. He refused.. Fed me some far fetched story about being skint because of bills he had paid. He was quite drunk and eventually passed out. I took his bnk card to a cash point and got a mini statement printed off. His wages were actually quite decent. He had lied for about a year.. I went to work next day and text him to be gone before I got home.. I filed for divorce that day. Haven't seen him since that night.. In 2012!!
Ltb op.

supercatlady · 20/12/2023 07:17

How confident are you that he still has the money from his Mum and it wasn’t used to clear a debt?

JEM68 · 20/12/2023 07:17

Wouldn’t you have to show proof of earnings when you secured a mortgage?

PermanentTemporary · 20/12/2023 07:19

God you poor bloody sod having to scratch through your maternity leave on no cash. This has got to stop.

The question is, what do you want to do? Do you think he is capable of being a true partner to you? He's certainly resisted it so far.

banjocat · 20/12/2023 07:20

Truecrimemama · 20/12/2023 07:11

I’ve asked to see his finances on many occasions before he’s just refused to show me every time. I’ve offered to pay off the mortgage to free to some extra money, I’ve offered to pay a portion of the bills but that he needs to show me his account and draw up a spend/budget with me. He refuses to do this

If your husband refuses to share financial information with you then there is a problem.

Whether it's the lie you think it is, or something else (or something worse?!), it's not normal. You are married. Legally you are one financial unit, so sharing isn't optional.

I wouldn't be OK with this and you don't have to accept it.

euff · 20/12/2023 07:22

I don't feel comfortable about set ups where one person pays the easily identifiable bills such as mortgage/ rent and utilities and the other does everything else. The latter could be spending more but the first has evidence that they've paid all the 'important' stuff. When you have children I think there should be transparency with finances. My husband wouldn't blink about showing me payslips and bank statements which we've needed for mortgage applications anyway.

Teateaandmoretea · 20/12/2023 07:26

If he’s been there years he could well be on more surely? Bands can change over the years but they can’t reduce pay.

As others have said take home pay after pension, share save schemes etc is often much lower than you’d expect.

Original poster
Truecrimemama · 20/12/2023 07:27

I think a lot of it does stem from his parents, his father was very financially controlling of his mum, he paid all the bills and earned all the money with her just doing part time work like a dinner lady etc. my husband always said there was no money growing up, there would be ice inside the house because it was that cold in winter. No seatbelts in the car, The parents wore the same clothes for 20 years. And the kids only ever had hand me downs When my FIL died he left a lot of money, because in his lifetime he didn’t spend a penny. But my MIL couldn’t function she didn’t even know how to pay any bills or run the home because her husband had done it all, my husband had to sort out all the bills for her, and even 5 years on has to still sort them out of something needs updating or changing. She can drive but doesn’t feel comfortable doing it because her husband even did all the driving. Very odd situation

OP posts:
Teateaandmoretea · 20/12/2023 07:29

euff · 20/12/2023 07:22

I don't feel comfortable about set ups where one person pays the easily identifiable bills such as mortgage/ rent and utilities and the other does everything else. The latter could be spending more but the first has evidence that they've paid all the 'important' stuff. When you have children I think there should be transparency with finances. My husband wouldn't blink about showing me payslips and bank statements which we've needed for mortgage applications anyway.

That’s what we do. I’d just end up spending more otherwise as I pay for everything for the kids.

I don’t see our money as separate though so don’t see that it matters.

SpringingJoy · 20/12/2023 07:29

Nobody anywhere ever when talking salaries uses the post-deductions figure. YABU to be googling his salary and trying to twist your misunderstanding into ammunition for an argument

I agree with this. The way you've worded your op is really...odd...and implies a lack of understanding and lack of financial competence about wages/tax etc from BOTH sides of your relationship.

CharlotteSometimes1 · 20/12/2023 07:31

How’s your relationship other than this issue?
Are you in love with each other?
Are you a team, is it equal?

I suspect it’s not truly equal or this would never have happened, it’s probably time to think about splitting up. I don’t think I could get over the deceit.

NOTANUM · 20/12/2023 07:31

There are two separate issues

  • He has withheld information or misled you for some reason, whether to be controlling, afraid you’ll take his money or just ashamed he doesn’t earn more. Only you can decide which and he may not even know himself
  • You don’t mention love, his personality, your relationship, how he is with the kids etc. Do you want to be with him or is the push you need?

A marriage needs to be based on trust. If you can’t trust him to have your back when on maternity leave or sick, what’s the point?

Epidote · 20/12/2023 07:32

The salary don't necessarily has to be a lie it will depend on pensions contributions and students loans etc.

LemonTT · 20/12/2023 07:33

Truecrimemama · 20/12/2023 06:57

I was not too lazy to check, why would my husband not be honest about his finances he’s never had to ‘check’ my finances either because I’m completely honest about them. I have also offered to pay off the remaining amount on our mortgage to free up extra cash for him when he complains about money, I have offered to pay a share of the bills on the provision we sit down look at his ingoings and outgoings in his bank and any savings but he refuses?

How did he get away with lying about his salary on the “our” mortgage and re mortgage?

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 20/12/2023 07:34

It sounds like a misunderstanding early on which then got out of hand. You may found that now you know he might be more open going forward. If you are on less than 50k then perhaps you can claim child benefit if not already which might help. I think it means you might be in a better place than you would be if he was on more money but always skint due to drink, gambling etc.

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