Husband lied about his salary

[Truecrimemama]

apologies if anything similar has been posted before but I’ve looked and can’t find anyone in a similar boat.

ive recently found out that my husband earns significantly less than he’s always disclosed to me, for context we don’t share finances or a bank account and I’ve actually never questioned him about it because why would he be lying. Ive always believed that he earned 40k a decent comfortable salary for where we are in the north of England. And combined with what I earn a very good joint income. it actually turns out my husband earns over £15,000 less and I’m shocked although a lot of things are starting to make sense.

For a little bit of context my husband pays all the bills and I pay for everything else, things like all of our clothes, everything for the kids, any extras we need, things for the home, and my own personal bills and holidays for just a few examples. This has always worked out. The problem has been that my husband had always complained about ‘not having any money’ and money has always been a huge point of contention any decision that we should be making together about matters to do with the house car or money he will completely blow up and then storm off. He’s always been right but him constantly claiming to be broke has really started to wear thin. I had a suspicion he was hiding something from me so I have offered multiple times to also on top of everything else I pay for to pay a share of the bills, on the provision that he shows me all his ingoings and outgoing plus any savings he has so we can make a proper budget. He has always point blank refused.

anyway last night we got into another huge argument about money and he shouted at me and stormed off for a couple of hours. When he got back we sat down and discussed it properly where he said that he only earns 25k a year take home pay after tax and deductions on the 40k a year. He had always framed it that he earned 40k take home and I believed him, I knew this wasn’t right and there was no way he was paying 15k a year tax. So for the first time I googled his salary at his company and for his exact role his pre tax pay is £31,000 bringing his take home pay to that £25,000 he was talking about.

when I goggled the company he works for I also saw that all employees had a pretty significant one off bonus during covid that he never told me about. His mum had also given him a sizeable amount of money About 20,000 which I do know about but that he wont touch or do anything with, so when an unexpected expense come along such as something going wrong with the car he will then complain about how it’s left him short, and that he’s got no money, when I point out the money his mother gave him he will act like he’s just saving it for her and that it’s not really his to spend! Which I’m not quite sure I believe

ive always felt like my husband is financially controlling, tight and a Scrooge when it comes to money, I’ve always felt like he uses money as a stick to beat me with, saying things like he might lose his job periodically or that his role will soon be decommissioned, I’ve suggested him to go for a promotion in the company if he’s worried about that but he always said he’d rather take a pay cut than take on a more senior role and work more hours. I'm totally at a loss and feel so stupid for just taking what he said for the past 10 plus years at face value

just looking for some validation really and to see if anyone else has encountered anything like this before.

Hi so, it sounds like he exaggerated and never had the guts to own up.
My ex used to lie continuously about money, work, etc to the point where once I was able to get to the bottom of things I discovered he was almost 50k in debt.
I think if you are struggling to get to the bottom of the finances you need to do some more investigating and to get a bit sneaky. In case he is hiding something else, start with a credit check? Try to access his laptop or phone Xx my perspective was I have a child I need to know all the financial information because I have to keep a roof over my child's head, I have to feed and clothe this child etc. Xx did his first marriage end due to financial issues? Xx

It is possible. We have separate savings. When we talk about buying a house, we generally talk in terms of “I can contribute x amount by x date towards the deposit” and “I can afford x amount towards the mortgage”. Planning a holiday looks like “where shall we go next year” and then negotiating a budget for flights and accommodation. We don’t need each others’ salaries to make these decisions just the amount we can afford to invest into joint ventures.

This is the bottom line, OP, and the time's come to use it. He's obviously being deliberately evasive because, for whatever reasons, he doesn't want you to know his full financial situation. And as another poster has said, him being 15 years older possibly means you will end up supporting him - so you need to know!

If he's evasive about finances during any divorce court proceedings order for full financial disclosure he could face serious consequences, so now's the time for him to take a reality check. And if he isn't being honest with you it indicates he lacks respect and/or has something he's trying to hide. I'd be very suspicious of what's actually going on here and why the evasion.

The big difference between your situation & OP’s though is that there are no kids involved in yours I assume? Once you become a family with joint children, there isn’t just “joint ventures” your entire life is a joint venture, every school meal, every school trip, nursery, food shopping for a family instead of 2 single people, Christmas shopping, x needs new school uniform, y wants these shoes, family holidays etc… and especially once you are married, legally there is no “my money” and “your money” it is OUR money. So once you realise that, of course both people in the marriage should know how much “our” money is?

I wouldn't marry my partner as he is a sole proprietor so it is extremely risky to join our assets in this way. Somehow we manage to have these conversations without needing to know all the ins and outs of how much we earn. And yes, we do have kid's needs to consider as well.
Neither of us are making a secret out of our earnings. I suppose we just really never needed to supervise each other so closely. We have a joint pot for expenses. If one of us failed to contribute, I suppose things would have been different but I don't feel the need for my partner to set my spending budget (which I suppose is what you are alluding to) and vice versa.
In the OP's case the issue does not appear to be lack of contribution to expenses either. I am actually still not sure what the issue is besides lying for an unknown reason.

There’s your other big difference then, “neither of us are making a big secret of our earnings”, OP’s partner is.

I completely agree with you that there’s typically no need to supervise individual spending as long as bills are paid, DH & I certainly don’t for example. As you have said though, you both contribute into a “joint pot” for expenses- OP and her partner don’t, and judging from the replies OP actually has no clue how much their household bills are each month. A joint account for bills and family expenses would be a brilliant idea for OP & partner as that allows for clarity on what house bills are, what family expenses are, and split those fairly accordingly. It’s that transparency of “how much does our house and family cost” and then splitting contributions that is important which OP doesn’t have.

Although as I mentioned in previous posts, I suspect if OP actually had all the info it would be clear that her husband has been paying significantly more than her each month and so any re-jig would lead to her being worse off monthly. Hence it is important for OP to actually think about what the desired outcome is :)

@Catza so you have proactively decided not to get married to protect your individual assets. It also sounds like you talk openly about finances with your partner - both of these sound like you are both industriously managing your finances and communicating.

How is this remotely useful to OP?

I was replying to someone who suggested a family cannot function without knowing each other's salaries. It can and I gave an example of how. Nothing to do with OP, although she could take a bit more ownership of figuring out what the family expenses actually are and that each contributes fairly. I still maintain the husband's salary is irrelevant here so long as his agreed part of bills is covered.

But without knowing his salary, how can you know that the “agreed part“ is fair? If my DH is on 50k a year, and I am on 100k but tell DH I only earn 50k, he would think a 50/50 split on bills is fair. It wouldn’t be, he’d be left with much less spare money after paying those bills than me. You can only come to an agreement on what is fair once you know all of the information.

Equally for OP, without knowing how much “his share” equates to, she can’t know for sure that it’s fair. In all likelihood OP is better off in this situation financially because it’s unlikely that the household bills are less expensive than the holidays/clothes etc that OP is paying for, but without knowing his salary it’s not impossible that actually he’s earning 70k a year and therefore on balance should be paying a contribution towards those holidays etc.

The “spare money” each person has left after paying towards the family home and expenses is absolutely their own and not to be policed, but without knowing what each party is bringing home and paying out, there is no way of knowing whether it’s a fair split. It could be that after paying the household bills DH only has £150 left while OP has £600 left, or it could be that after paying the household bills DH has £1000 left and OP has £200. When you get married, have a joint home and joint children, you have to be a team. And you can agree the set up of that team amongst yourselves however works for you, but you have to know all the facts to be able to even have that conversation.

@Catza your example was poor, it also inferred there were no DC.

As for the house buying case 'I can give x amount by x date' - when myself and DH bought houses over the last 10 years we've had to provide saving statements plus bank details of our salaries going in over a number of months. We had to be transparent about our salaries & savings so that we could get a mortgage.

I was thinking of you last night @Truecrimemama
i suppose when you were 20 and met this guy he felt like he was the big man, providing for a younger pretty wife who was a real catch and he was feeling pretty chipper about himself. Ten years later you have proven to be an actual adult human being not just a trophy wife, and he is just a regular middle aged guy who is in much the same position as he was 10 years ago.
so maybe i do have some sympathy for him but no one in this story is going to feel better or do better for continued stonewalling on his part. He will be upset and delicate and hurt, it's probably all tied up with some odd toxic masculinity stuff that is really hard for women to breach, but real grown ups do talk about money and the future, and he'll need to get over his embarrassment here. You can only really help by being insistent but kind in pushing for clarity, which I fear may involve a willingness to swallow some subsequent bad news about credit cards, debts, lack of pension etc yet to come. Good luck op

Merry Christmas to you, too, OP! I hope things are worked out.

I’m sorry but why are you surprised? I would assume that you’re signing the tax returns because they’re filed jointly?

I’m thinking he does earn when he tells you… And he’s putting money away on his own or he spending it where he likes.

Either way the trust is completely broken.

Hi you don't necessarily file joint tax returns in the UK. Xx

He sounds very old school about providing a home and paying bills for family.
He's also old school in that his prude made him lie about his earnings and carry on the lie so he's not the one seen yo be provided for.
Whilst not all men are like this, it's not that unusual, particularly in working class northern areas and this type of thought is often one that goes hand in hand with mental illness when their position is challenged by illness or job issues.

It may be that type of mentality was ingrained from family values and its not wrong per se, just problematic.

So instead of seeing him as the bad guy lying husband, think of him as a sad 😔 git with old fashioned values. Try to find ways of validating him rather than belittling him about this and you may find you get a better relationship. The problems of 'what if something happens' are very valid though and I'd urge you to work together to find ways round this.
Remember his pride is what motivates him to provide for you even though he's a bit skint. Be kind.

He shouldn’t lie to you. However there is something not quite right in your relationship if he is so embarrassed about his earning that he has to lie. He should spend the £2000 on therapy.

He is treating you like a child. You are married and so you share responsibilities. That means knowing about each other's earnings. Sounds like he is trying to be controlling.. Is he controlling in other ways? Also sounds like he'd like to be the higher earner. Can you tell us more about your spending habits? Does he think you spend unwisely?

What tax return? Sounds like they are both employed separately.

You don't necessarily file tax returns AT ALL in the UK. If your only income is from employment with tax taken off at source (Pay As You Earn or PAYE), and interest on savings doesn't exceed a certain threshold, and you have nothing to offset against tax (or nothing you judge significant enough to offset the hassle of claiming), there's no general requirement to file a tax return.

I know, I live in England and do mine on PAYE.

You still get a p60