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Original poster

Husband lied about his salary

321 replies

Truecrimemama · 20/12/2023 06:06

apologies if anything similar has been posted before but I’ve looked and can’t find anyone in a similar boat.

ive recently found out that my husband earns significantly less than he’s always disclosed to me, for context we don’t share finances or a bank account and I’ve actually never questioned him about it because why would he be lying. Ive always believed that he earned 40k a decent comfortable salary for where we are in the north of England. And combined with what I earn a very good joint income. it actually turns out my husband earns over £15,000 less and I’m shocked although a lot of things are starting to make sense.

For a little bit of context my husband pays all the bills and I pay for everything else, things like all of our clothes, everything for the kids, any extras we need, things for the home, and my own personal bills and holidays for just a few examples. This has always worked out. The problem has been that my husband had always complained about ‘not having any money’ and money has always been a huge point of contention any decision that we should be making together about matters to do with the house car or money he will completely blow up and then storm off. He’s always been right but him constantly claiming to be broke has really started to wear thin. I had a suspicion he was hiding something from me so I have offered multiple times to also on top of everything else I pay for to pay a share of the bills, on the provision that he shows me all his ingoings and outgoing plus any savings he has so we can make a proper budget. He has always point blank refused.

anyway last night we got into another huge argument about money and he shouted at me and stormed off for a couple of hours. When he got back we sat down and discussed it properly where he said that he only earns 25k a year take home pay after tax and deductions on the 40k a year. He had always framed it that he earned 40k take home and I believed him, I knew this wasn’t right and there was no way he was paying 15k a year tax. So for the first time I googled his salary at his company and for his exact role his pre tax pay is £31,000 bringing his take home pay to that £25,000 he was talking about.

when I goggled the company he works for I also saw that all employees had a pretty significant one off bonus during covid that he never told me about. His mum had also given him a sizeable amount of money About 20,000 which I do know about but that he wont touch or do anything with, so when an unexpected expense come along such as something going wrong with the car he will then complain about how it’s left him short, and that he’s got no money, when I point out the money his mother gave him he will act like he’s just saving it for her and that it’s not really his to spend! Which I’m not quite sure I believe

ive always felt like my husband is financially controlling, tight and a Scrooge when it comes to money, I’ve always felt like he uses money as a stick to beat me with, saying things like he might lose his job periodically or that his role will soon be decommissioned, I’ve suggested him to go for a promotion in the company if he’s worried about that but he always said he’d rather take a pay cut than take on a more senior role and work more hours. I'm totally at a loss and feel so stupid for just taking what he said for the past 10 plus years at face value

just looking for some validation really and to see if anyone else has encountered anything like this before.

OP posts:
easylikeasundaymorn · 20/12/2023 08:59

Its not even the lie, sounds like he's been not only "boasting" about his salary but justifying earning more than OP (when she actually earns more) to do significantly less house work, not spend a penny on his kids, not to mention constantly moaning about the lack of money as if its her fault she doesn't earn more or spends too much when in fact its because (over the decade he's been maintaining this lie) their household income has been more than £150,000 less than OP believed it to be!

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 20/12/2023 09:01

He didn't lie about his take home which is the only number that matters. It's not even 100pc clear he lied about his gross. It's well within rounding distance, especially since there may be pension or salary sacrifice going on.

Also muttering about potential redundancy etc are the sorts of things people say when they're desperately trying to reign in a "spendy" partner. Reading between the lines you want to spend like crazy and he wants to be a bit more cautious. That sounds wise to me.

Maybe you need to reign in spending?

1offnamechange · 20/12/2023 09:03

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 20/12/2023 09:01

He didn't lie about his take home which is the only number that matters. It's not even 100pc clear he lied about his gross. It's well within rounding distance, especially since there may be pension or salary sacrifice going on.

Also muttering about potential redundancy etc are the sorts of things people say when they're desperately trying to reign in a "spendy" partner. Reading between the lines you want to spend like crazy and he wants to be a bit more cautious. That sounds wise to me.

Maybe you need to reign in spending?

Dear God can't you read???
He DID lie about his take home pay. He said it was £40k, its actually £25k

easylikeasundaymorn · 20/12/2023 09:05

olympicsrock · 20/12/2023 08:57

Perhaps he gets a bonus OP - my DH does . I don’t think you can really say for sure he is lying , just not willing to be transparent

A £22k bonus on a £31k salary? A bonus that is two thirds of the salary? Every year? Really?

Original poster
Truecrimemama · 20/12/2023 09:06

Wow that’s a jump, I’m not a spend partner at all, I look for all the discounts shop at aldi and heron foods for our food shopping. Scour online for the best deals when it comes to gifts for the holidays or essentials. As I’ve said before my husband would constantly complain about paying a higher rate of tax as well to bolster what he told me.
I save all year for our holidays, I save like mad to have a rainy day fund because my husband is reluctant to spend his.
I even offered to pay half towards the repairs on his car because he didn’t want to use the money from his parents

OP posts:
ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 20/12/2023 09:07

he doesn’t have a credit card or any personally loans of any kind

Are you sure about that OP? I'll bet there's some undisclosed credit somewhere.

Nicole1111 · 20/12/2023 09:10

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 20/12/2023 09:07

he doesn’t have a credit card or any personally loans of any kind

Are you sure about that OP? I'll bet there's some undisclosed credit somewhere.

Agreed. This is why you need to see the bank statements so you can figure out what repayments he’s making where for what

Fullofxmascbeer · 20/12/2023 09:12

So what did he say when you challenged him with the truth - or haven’t you yet?

TomatoSandwiches · 20/12/2023 09:13

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 20/12/2023 09:01

He didn't lie about his take home which is the only number that matters. It's not even 100pc clear he lied about his gross. It's well within rounding distance, especially since there may be pension or salary sacrifice going on.

Also muttering about potential redundancy etc are the sorts of things people say when they're desperately trying to reign in a "spendy" partner. Reading between the lines you want to spend like crazy and he wants to be a bit more cautious. That sounds wise to me.

Maybe you need to reign in spending?

He did lie and what on earth did you read to come up with the leap to she's a spendthrift?

PeaceGoodMercutio · 20/12/2023 09:13

I believe that he has lied to you, not sure why people are questioning this.
The lack of paperwork ever coming to the house is concerning.
The fact that he won't let you see his bank account is concerning.
He is definitely hiding something, and I really don't like the way he is treating that money from his mum.
All very suspicious.

MongoFrogman · 20/12/2023 09:14

Most likely his take-home pay is £40k and the missing money goes to some trollop he’s found on OnlyFans….

BestBadger · 20/12/2023 09:16

easylikeasundaymorn · 20/12/2023 08:53

I have no idea why people on here are making up such elaborate excuses to defend a complete stranger, insisting that OP, the woman who has heard this lie repeatedly for 10 years and who has literally seen his actual salary listed in black and white on his company's website, must be mistaken, and they, an Internet random hearing the story second hand, are right.

And all the weird, reaching maths to desperately try and justify it - well perhaps he makes £35k so rounded it up to £40k so wasn't lying? Wtf??? And confidently stating he MUST have student loans or maintenance payments or credit debt (even though the later 2 would come out after take home pay anyway?) When OP has already confirmed he doesn't.

No. He said (boasted) he earned £40k net, after deductions, which is a salary of approx £53k. He even referred to paying the higher rate of tax which kicks in just over £50k. But he actually only earns £31k, and given he's been saying this for ten years it's very unlikely his salary hasn't gone up at all in that time (even in my public sector job the role I was in 10 years ago has increased from £18k starter wage to £29k once you reach top of the banding), professional roles have gone up even more, even just with inflation, its very likely he was on significantly less than this when he first started lying - so he pretty much doubled his actual salary when he first mentioned and then repeated the lie for the NEXT TEN YEARS!

Edited

Yes, it's very frustrating. Thanks for articulating it so much better than I could.

Bahhhhhhhumbug · 20/12/2023 09:17

Does he get anything like a car allowance? Mileage? I get £400 a month car allowance so this equates to £4800, it gets taxed though. I also get business mileage paid and do high miles so this essentially pays the fair majority of what fuel we use in the car overall. Again - technically bumps up my take home pay a bit more. So I consider myself bringing home around £10k more than my listed salary

Andthereyougo · 20/12/2023 09:20

So the facts are he has consistently lied about his salary.
He was given money by his mother which he may or may not still have, he won’t say, and doesn’t want to use it for a family expense ( car repair)
Does he actually earn enough to pay the bills ? Could he be snappy because bills are going unpaid?
I think you have two choices. He either is totally transparent about income/bill paying, and you are too, so you can make sure you have a secure roof over your children’s heads or you leave him/he leaves.

Needhelpsupport · 20/12/2023 09:24

People do generally refer to salary as gross not net .

NameChangeAgain23 · 20/12/2023 09:26

My pay scale starts at 28k and supposedly finishes at 33k. I'm on 35 as been in the job a long time etc so he 31 might be the starting point...

3luckystars · 20/12/2023 09:28

Does he know that you know?

3luckystars · 20/12/2023 09:29

I agree, the website might be the starting scale for new employees and he could well be on a higher amount.

Xmasisoffsantahascovid · 20/12/2023 09:31

Imo he is indeed saving for a rainy day. A day when you aren't around anymore..

Original poster
Truecrimemama · 20/12/2023 09:31

Even if his pre tax salary was 40k he would have never been paying the higher rate of tax that he constantly complained about and insisted he was paying for years. That’s why I was led to believe that his take home pay was 40k, that and the fact he obviously knew he was being deceptive because he won’t ever let me see anything to do with the finances ever. Never has and never will. Truly left him to handle all of that thinking he was responsible, a saver and a bit of a tight arse.

OP posts:
CherryBlossom321 · 20/12/2023 09:32

Putting aside whether or not the salary has been a lie, I’d be more concerned about being married to someone who, as an adult, is lacking the maturity to have a calm conversation about finances without “blowing up and storming off”. That kind of marriage wouldn’t work for me.

Mrsttcno1 · 20/12/2023 09:35

Pelham678 · 20/12/2023 08:43

It's not just the lies though, although the OP said his salary band is £31 when he claimed to earn £40k, it's that he won't sit down and discuss their finances or work as a team, leaving the OP in the dark.

Show quote history

No of course I do appreciate that there could well be more at play here, but I’m just pointing out there’s technically no massive issue with what he has said, 40k pre-tax is not necessarily a lie. I also work in public sector with pay scales you could google online, but if you took that as my salary you’d be wrong, mine is more than that as lots of things including length of service/extra duties/tp roles/bonuses etc can take you out of the typical pay bands.

The main problem is that they can’t sit together and discuss finances, but even that I think could be a tricky one. DH & I have had shared finances since moving in together so conversations about money in our house have never really been “secret” or a big deal, it’s all “our” money and discussions about it are open and casual. But I can see where if you’re a couple who have been cohabiting and are at the point of having children together and you have always kept finances separate, you could be reluctant years down the line to then start being transparent and honest, especially if one partner is approaching it straight away with a “you’re lying I’ve been on your company website”, it’s not the best place from which to start an open conversation.

ColourByNumbers88 · 20/12/2023 09:38

Do you get child benefit? If he's in the higher rate tax band then you'd need to pay some of it back.

What do you want to happen here? It sounds like he's a liar, tight and is happy for you to cover costs. It seems odd to me that you wouldn't just have a joint account where you both pay in a proportion based on salary to cover household costs.

Your scrimping and saving sounds miserable, when he has funds. I'm not sure that I could live like this. It would eat away at me.

Luxell934 · 20/12/2023 09:38

How did you get a mortgage together? Surely your two wages would have been a starting point for your budget and you both would have needed to send
pay slips?

CherryBlossom321 · 20/12/2023 09:38

TomatoSandwiches · 20/12/2023 09:13

He did lie and what on earth did you read to come up with the leap to she's a spendthrift?

Show quote history

I agree, it’s quite a leap to imply that someone is a “spendthrift” on the basis that their husband is being deceptive and secretive about finances.

My friend recently got divorced after 30 years to an abusive man, who constantly asserted that she was “bad with money, so I have to reign her in”. She hadn’t bought new clothes in eight years, did her own hair, cooked and baked from scratch, never got any upgrades carried out in their home, the last holiday had been 7 years previous, and was camping. But somehow, in his messed up mind, she was frivolous.

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