Husband lied about his salary

[Truecrimemama]

apologies if anything similar has been posted before but I’ve looked and can’t find anyone in a similar boat.

ive recently found out that my husband earns significantly less than he’s always disclosed to me, for context we don’t share finances or a bank account and I’ve actually never questioned him about it because why would he be lying. Ive always believed that he earned 40k a decent comfortable salary for where we are in the north of England. And combined with what I earn a very good joint income. it actually turns out my husband earns over £15,000 less and I’m shocked although a lot of things are starting to make sense.

For a little bit of context my husband pays all the bills and I pay for everything else, things like all of our clothes, everything for the kids, any extras we need, things for the home, and my own personal bills and holidays for just a few examples. This has always worked out. The problem has been that my husband had always complained about ‘not having any money’ and money has always been a huge point of contention any decision that we should be making together about matters to do with the house car or money he will completely blow up and then storm off. He’s always been right but him constantly claiming to be broke has really started to wear thin. I had a suspicion he was hiding something from me so I have offered multiple times to also on top of everything else I pay for to pay a share of the bills, on the provision that he shows me all his ingoings and outgoing plus any savings he has so we can make a proper budget. He has always point blank refused.

anyway last night we got into another huge argument about money and he shouted at me and stormed off for a couple of hours. When he got back we sat down and discussed it properly where he said that he only earns 25k a year take home pay after tax and deductions on the 40k a year. He had always framed it that he earned 40k take home and I believed him, I knew this wasn’t right and there was no way he was paying 15k a year tax. So for the first time I googled his salary at his company and for his exact role his pre tax pay is £31,000 bringing his take home pay to that £25,000 he was talking about.

when I goggled the company he works for I also saw that all employees had a pretty significant one off bonus during covid that he never told me about. His mum had also given him a sizeable amount of money About 20,000 which I do know about but that he wont touch or do anything with, so when an unexpected expense come along such as something going wrong with the car he will then complain about how it’s left him short, and that he’s got no money, when I point out the money his mother gave him he will act like he’s just saving it for her and that it’s not really his to spend! Which I’m not quite sure I believe

ive always felt like my husband is financially controlling, tight and a Scrooge when it comes to money, I’ve always felt like he uses money as a stick to beat me with, saying things like he might lose his job periodically or that his role will soon be decommissioned, I’ve suggested him to go for a promotion in the company if he’s worried about that but he always said he’d rather take a pay cut than take on a more senior role and work more hours. I'm totally at a loss and feel so stupid for just taking what he said for the past 10 plus years at face value

just looking for some validation really and to see if anyone else has encountered anything like this before.

He's lied to impress you at some point then it's spiralled and here you are. One guy recently had lied about a full army career even faking issues post war and detailing killing children ☹️

I don't think this one would have been meant in malace but still a big deception.
Was there anything else he may have lied about a the start ?

You can either fresh slate this and move on or end it there's not really many middle options =/

M
T

Me

He didn't 40,000 is gross before taxes and national insurance.

While you might be surprised at the fact that people don't know the difference it is staggering how many people don't. I worked with a debt charity for a while. It is a more common mistake than you think it should be.

Agree with your other suggestions, however. This issue here is the lack of transparency and the need to get this sorted and into the open, otherwise there are long term implications for both family finances and a relationship.

Unfortunately OP there are still people that live with Victorian attitudes, I have seen it first hand where the man thinks the woman has no right to know the finances.

it’s not ok and in this day and age where debts are joint when you are married it needs nipping in the bud, you need to protect yourself.

So when you say 'let's sit down and share out incomings/outgoings'
What does he actually say when he says no, what reason does he give?

This is laughable. She can’t blame the person who lied? The ‘lazy’ woman is the one to blame in all this? Ridiculous.

I don’t think it makes sense that everyone is trying to do calculations to make what he’s said make sense. The OP has checked his salary online and if it was 40k at his role it would say so. It isn’t, so there’s no possible way he’s earning 40k in any guise unless there’s a large amount of overtime OP hasn’t mentioned.

I had almost this exact thing, except my OH was self employed. I really don't think he knew because he was burying his head in the sand (we was earning less per hour because he hadn't realised the exchange rate had changed, and was essentially working part time hours with cancellations). He just really liked his job, so didn't want to admit it wasn't working. But he kept asking me for extra money than we'd discussed, for bills etc. So eventually we sat down and worked out what was happening. But he was SO defensive 🙄 I think a pride thing too? We worked out what he was earning wasn't enough for our expenditure, so he had to get another job. I was about to go on maternity leave at the time, so was a bit "well sorry, can't really help atm you'll have to sort it!". He now loves his new job btw and I'd glad he changed.

He also had a "nest egg" from his parents, which has all been spent now. He was loathe to part with it, which I get, but at the end of the day it was stuff we needed so what can you do? Some of it was spent on home improvements (but things in the house were dire, it wasn't frivolous stuff). I cheered him up saying they were an investment, but for the most part I switched off from his grumbling (other than making the right noises to sound sympathetic), because life is too short.

He still gets snippy talking about money and finances, but I'm more assertive now. Once bitten, twice shy and all of that. So when he starts, I just say "I'd really rather not argue with you, but you have been wrong about this stuff before, so I do need to go through it with you. We can do it nicely, or we can fall out, it's up to you". Overall he is less worried though, as no longer flat broke all the time.

It is a horrible "rug from under your feet" feeling OP, so sorry. As well as having ignored your gut for a while then finding out you were right! I certainly trust my partner less, since all this happened with us. But it's been okay in the end. Actually better, since we looked at our finances with open eyes - just can make better decisions when you know the facts, after all. And sounds like he has at least managed your bills etc with what he's on, so hopefully the situation isn't too dire.

Err yes they do?!

A job advertised doesn't say salary is 25k after tax.
Gross salary is the figure you quote for everything when asked about earnings

So, you have your own savings that could pay off the mortgage? Do you earn substantially more than your DH?

I think you need to decide if you can live with him being this way. I, personally, would be totally turned off with all the moaning about money, the financial controlling and not sharing the incoming and outgoing bills/payments, the threats and the lying.

I think you just have to put what happened before behind you. It's not clear he's necessarily lying and I wouldn't make a bit deal of it. But you both need to be far more transparent about your finances and split things in an open way that you are both comfortable with. It requires a simple spreadsheet - you keep a record of everything you spend, he keeps a record of everything he spends, once a month you add it together and adjust between you depending on the overall split you agree, which may be 50/50 if you earn similar or may be skewed with the higher earner paying more, whatever you agree. But transparency and openness is the key to avoiding all financial arguments, and they are the easiest disagreements to avoid provided you are communicating properly and have agreed what a sensible split is for you,.

Looking at this from another view, I would suggest your Dh at some point, has felt he wasn't good enough, hence the lie. Its a difficult hole to get out of once dug.
If he's a good partner in other ways, thrn tackle this together. Get out all of both of your finances and work out what's fair. I would be very suprised if someone's who has lied about his salary, doesn't have debt linked to trying to maintain this lie.

But people talk about their gross annual salary or their monthly take home because these are the figures they see.

What they don't talk about is their annual take home.

Did you not read the OP's posts. Because she has tried this and he refuses to do it. Why blame the OP when she is very willing to be transparent.

It's not just the lying, although he lied by omission with the bonus, it's the witholding - of money, information, care for the OP, leaving her worrying about their finances and feeling alone in their relationship.

100% this, I have never met anyone who discusses their salary as AFTER tax/deduction amount.

How much older is he than you and when did you get together?

Well if he said he earns 40k he’s not lying. No-one really gives their salary as the amount pre tax

Yes, they do! That is your annual salary.

-I have never worked mine out

You don’t need to work it out-it’s written clearly on job adverts, in pay scales, on contracts etc etc

What is odd here is the DH said he was earning £40k (or did he just ally due to it and you assumed?) but the pay scale online (are you sure it’s not a band and he earns the higher amount?) says it’s £31k?

You said he mentioned paying the higher rate tax, @Truecrimemama ? That’s not going to happen on either of those salaries though. Did you not query that?

Thanks for all the replies I’m new to mums so I’m still figuring out how to reply to individual comments please bare with me, and I will read through the older ones when I’ve dropped off the kids. I earn around 25k after tax a year, I work in a very niche field that allows me to work part time but still get the equivalent of a full time salary I’m very lucky. because of this I do all the childcare, cleaning the home, shopping and daily chores etc.
my husband has old fashioned values and because he works more hours than me I’ve always done this. I have savings yes, so I would never want him to spend his savings without dipping into mine, but I do dip into mine every month because he says he can’t afford this and that. I even buy most of his clothes.
I just thought his car repair thing was the perfect use of his savings.
my Husband also used to moan about paying 40 percent tax so again alluding to earning more than he actually was even more alluding to way over 50k before tax. I know a lot of people on this thread think I’m crazy clearly. But I honestly took what he said at complete face value. Because I’m completely honest about my finances without the need for him to ‘check’

It's not just the lies though, although the OP said his salary band is £31 when he claimed to earn £40k, it's that he won't sit down and discuss their finances or work as a team, leaving the OP in the dark.

Husband also used to moan about paying 40 percent tax so again alluding to earning more than he actually was even more alluding to way over 50k before tax

Have you actually asked him about this discrepancy?

DH, this pay scale says you earn £31k but you said you pay HRT, which would mean you earn over 20k more than that…which is it?

Be careful here OP. He's obviously got himself in a lengthy stressful mess through muddle, pride and poor communication between the two of you. My dad did the same his whole career. He ended up having a stroke and during his time in hospital it transpired he'd been bankrolling a lifestyle my parents couldn't actually afford with multiple credit cards. My mum ended up parting with over £60k of her own cash to clear it all, and then later it became obvious he'd also cashed in various pension funds so they were looking at an old age quite different from how they'd been living. All because he couldn't bring himself to tell her he didn't earn as much as she thought and that he'd made some bad decisions. For decades.

you need to take a deep breath here and have a full, informed, mutual conversation about incomes, outgoings, future plans. He'll wiggle and find it uncomfortable and embarrassing and he'll probably try and make it a row, but you've both got to see it all down to the final pounds now rather than later.

the ridiculous thing about my parents is that my mum had quite a bit of money, but had no real idea it was needed in the family pot because her small income was spent in the same way as yours

I have no idea why people on here are making up such elaborate excuses to defend a complete stranger, insisting that OP, the woman who has heard this lie repeatedly for 10 years and who has literally seen his actual salary listed in black and white on his company's website, must be mistaken, and they, an Internet random hearing the story second hand, are right.

And all the weird, reaching maths to desperately try and justify it - well perhaps he makes £35k so rounded it up to £40k so wasn't lying? Wtf??? And confidently stating he MUST have student loans or maintenance payments or credit debt (even though the later 2 would come out after take home pay anyway?) When OP has already confirmed he doesn't.

No. He said (boasted) he earned £40k net, after deductions, which is a salary of approx £53k. He even referred to paying the higher rate of tax which kicks in just over £50k. But he actually only earns £31k, and given he's been saying this for ten years it's very unlikely his salary hasn't gone up at all in that time (even in my public sector job the role I was in 10 years ago has increased from £18k starter wage to £29k once you reach top of the banding), professional roles have gone up even more, even just with inflation, its very likely he was on significantly less than this when he first started lying - so he pretty much doubled his actual salary when he first mentioned and then repeated the lie for the NEXT TEN YEARS!

Can you try to get access to his online banking at least then you can see if he has savings or not and how you can both manage money together. I have a feeling you will have to fight for this try to use logic and how it can help both of you rather than insults. You need to play a fool to catch a fool.

Perhaps he gets a bonus OP - my DH does . I don’t think you can really say for sure he is lying , just not willing to be transparent

You're a partnership. You're also joint owners of all the marital assets including savings and pensions etc.

Step away from any thoughts of lying,
accusations, etc which will trigger defensive reactions.

Instead have a sensible adult cards on the table conversation.

Transparency, openness and truth is essential. Make sure he understands that this is a non negotiable boundary for you.