Husband lied about his salary

[Truecrimemama]

apologies if anything similar has been posted before but I’ve looked and can’t find anyone in a similar boat.

ive recently found out that my husband earns significantly less than he’s always disclosed to me, for context we don’t share finances or a bank account and I’ve actually never questioned him about it because why would he be lying. Ive always believed that he earned 40k a decent comfortable salary for where we are in the north of England. And combined with what I earn a very good joint income. it actually turns out my husband earns over £15,000 less and I’m shocked although a lot of things are starting to make sense.

For a little bit of context my husband pays all the bills and I pay for everything else, things like all of our clothes, everything for the kids, any extras we need, things for the home, and my own personal bills and holidays for just a few examples. This has always worked out. The problem has been that my husband had always complained about ‘not having any money’ and money has always been a huge point of contention any decision that we should be making together about matters to do with the house car or money he will completely blow up and then storm off. He’s always been right but him constantly claiming to be broke has really started to wear thin. I had a suspicion he was hiding something from me so I have offered multiple times to also on top of everything else I pay for to pay a share of the bills, on the provision that he shows me all his ingoings and outgoing plus any savings he has so we can make a proper budget. He has always point blank refused.

anyway last night we got into another huge argument about money and he shouted at me and stormed off for a couple of hours. When he got back we sat down and discussed it properly where he said that he only earns 25k a year take home pay after tax and deductions on the 40k a year. He had always framed it that he earned 40k take home and I believed him, I knew this wasn’t right and there was no way he was paying 15k a year tax. So for the first time I googled his salary at his company and for his exact role his pre tax pay is £31,000 bringing his take home pay to that £25,000 he was talking about.

when I goggled the company he works for I also saw that all employees had a pretty significant one off bonus during covid that he never told me about. His mum had also given him a sizeable amount of money About 20,000 which I do know about but that he wont touch or do anything with, so when an unexpected expense come along such as something going wrong with the car he will then complain about how it’s left him short, and that he’s got no money, when I point out the money his mother gave him he will act like he’s just saving it for her and that it’s not really his to spend! Which I’m not quite sure I believe

ive always felt like my husband is financially controlling, tight and a Scrooge when it comes to money, I’ve always felt like he uses money as a stick to beat me with, saying things like he might lose his job periodically or that his role will soon be decommissioned, I’ve suggested him to go for a promotion in the company if he’s worried about that but he always said he’d rather take a pay cut than take on a more senior role and work more hours. I'm totally at a loss and feel so stupid for just taking what he said for the past 10 plus years at face value

just looking for some validation really and to see if anyone else has encountered anything like this before.

Very handy you were able to google salary information like that OP.

As mentioned earlier, how was proof of earnings established on the mortgage application?

I think you have a huge relationship problem, not just the money. Trust is so important in a marriage/relationship, and you dont have that.

I don't feel comfortable about set ups where one person pays the easily identifiable bills such as mortgage/ rent and utilities and the other does everything else. The latter could be spending more but the first has evidence that they've paid all the 'important' stuff. When you have children I think there should be transparency with finances.

This is what we do but splitting it this way doesn't automatically mean lack of financial transparency. It's more a chance/ease arrangement for us.

My salary is pretty close to the exact amount (plus maybe £100 headroom) of all of our bills and costs. So all direct debits, plus car costs, phone costs, everything. As such, I haven't spent anything from my wages for years now - my salary goes into our joint account and sits there and then all goes back out.

Dh's salary then covers everything else. Food, clothes, holidays, fun money, savings. His salary also goes into a (second) joint account and we spend it together. I know exactly how much he earns and have easy access to his drawer full of payslips and P60s. There's no lack of transparency.

He works to insulate you from the burden of the finances.

And it sounds like he's doing alright. I dunno

I've never heard anybody refer to their take home yearly salary. Does he contribute to his pension?

Why don't you ask him what his gross yearly income is? Then there's no lying. He couldn't have lied during the mortgage application.

You need to do two things first off.

1. check turn2us benefits calculator to make sure you are getting all you are due for your family, in light of his lesser salary.
2. Whack that 20k into an ISA of savings account with a good interest rate (5-8% available, check money saving expert for options); you should get at least £1000 back per year)

Then you need to deal with your marriage problems and why he lied, which is harder and may require counselling.

My parents did this.

They would always claim to be struggling to pay this bill or that bill. To the extent that I got a Saturday job as soon as I could to pay for my own expenses.

Then when I got to be 18 they bought more than one additional property, including one abroad. It really rocked me because of the witholding of the truth. I never really trusted them again because I used to worry so much, even as a child, that we would be able to make ends meet, when in fact they had more than enough money to pay for unexpected expenses.

There is so much witholding in this by your DH: the lies, the refusal to share financial information, the refusal to use his rainy day money, the storming off. It doesn't indicate a man who really sees you as a life partner. It's that rather than the lies about money itself that I would find unforgiveable. Although I can't stand lies like this that put the other person at a disadvantage. How could you ever have sex with him again? Or show any affection to someone who has so little care for you?

You could look up my salary online but unless you actually understand the salary scale then you'd think I was on a good bit less than I am because there's some points on the scale that only last for 3 months, some that last for a year, some we skip, we can move to a different enhanced pay scale after a few years and then there's allowances and premium payments too. None of this is explained on the online pay scale, you just need to know. I wouldn't be thinking with 100% certainty that you've got his wage right just because you looked at the website.

This post is why I've never really got my head round the idea of 'separate' finances in a relationship where the couple live as a single household. You have one home, one energy bill etc. If you are to divide these shared expenses fairly you need to share information on your financial positions and agree how to divide up the costs. Once you've done this, does it really matter how many different bank accounts your money goes through between being paid in and going out again, or whose name is on those accounts? The reality is that you're functioning as a single unit financially.

In this case the significantly imperfect information sharing due to you husband's lack of transparency about his salary has led to all kinds of confusion and resentment. I really hope this leads to his being more open in future. Otherwise, it's hard to see how your marriage moves forward.

How old is your husband and how old are you? How long have you been married?

Have you asked to see his payslips? A surprising amount of people don't know the difference between total salary and take home pay. But his pay slips should tell you this information. From there you can work up a joint budget.

He may have been intentionally lying. He may also just be dreadful with money. He wouldn't be the first and certainly won't be the last. However I completely get why your are angry.

I have never heard anyone refer to their salary as anything other than gross figure? Are you sure you are not making (a very odd) assumption that he meant take home pay? Also you keep saying he hinted or alluded but not that he ever said.

I would bet that a lot of that has been spent.

Tell him you want full access to his bank statements, banking app and pay slips otherwise you’re out. Say you’re not prepared to put yourself and your children in such a financially unstable position where you are reliant on the word of someone who has admitted lying. Highlight that financial control is domestic abuse and that control and coercion is a crime in the uk. If you don’t put a boundary in now this will be your life forever.

I guess he wanted you to think he is more successful than he is,maybe embarrassed he earns below the national average for full time employ.

its sad for him he felt that way and couldn’t admit what he really earns for so long.

25 after deductions v 40 is a substantial difference, he’s pretended he earns nearly double what he actually does.

im not sure id be angry, more concerned for the fact he felt the need to do this and hide his real earnings.

Well here is your massive red flag @Truecrimemama . He was happier when you had no financial independence and allocated no money to you whilst you were looking after his child.

Your husband had a skewed upbringing with regards to financial transparency and fully intends to do the same to his children. You cannot allow this, someone has to break the cycle, and it needs to be you.

I don’t get posts like this, she’s been very clear and repeated it. She’s clearly not some kind of idiot.

Surely you both had to declare all income to obtain your mortgage ? Are you even on the mortgage?

You don't seem to have any clear communication about finance. He 'alluded to' 40k take home - that could be your misunderstanding here. Same as googling his salary, how ridiculous.
Just ask him outright, calmly, if he won't be transparent with his wife then your marriage is over. Personally I wouldn't have had a child or married someone if I wasn't crystal clear about our financial situation but that horse has bolted.

My husband earns about this and his take home is not far off what your saying. By the time all the taxes, pension and everything else comes off he's left with a rubbish wage for his sector.

Also, On the company website my husband too would be earning less, but he has been a long term well respected employee and is good at what he does so is actually on above what the others are and by far more than what it says on the company website.

So he may not be lying and just because you see or read something doesn't mean it is correct. If you have a decent relationship then talk to each other about it.

I earn just shy of £37k and net/take home pay is just over £23k so it doesn't sound that odd for him to be on £40k gross and take home £25k, if that's what he was saying. If he was saying he takes home 40k then there is a lot of difference!

It begs the question, why did he feel the need to lie?

A surprising amount of people don't know the difference between total salary and take home pay

If anyone didn't know this it would be very surprising. We're all given the information and it's primary school maths to know that take home, which people do see each month, eg £2k doesn't equate to their annual salary when multiplied by 12. Because of deductions, which do make a difference once people are earning a decent amount above the (very low) tax threshold, and aren't exactly a secret.

The OP needs to share finances properly, for joint costs at least. None of this 'he pays the mortgage and bills and she pays everything else' because with a family, food, clothes, childcare and day to day expenses could easily exceed the cost of a mortgage and utilities.

All salary goes into a joint account.
All joint costs paid from that account (food, bills, childcare, car running costs if you both have sensible cars and one of you isn't running a sports car)
Joint savings paid from that account for annual and irregular costs, emergency fund etc

Once everything else is covered, you both get personal money to spend and save as you wish, sent to personal accounts.

What is your income OP and how much are you spending each month? Is it the same as what DH spends on bills and mortgage/rent?

This is right my partner earned the same at one point he never took home £40000 it had to be taxed and everything else. He isn't lying what's wrong with you?

How has he managed to lie to you about his salary being higher than it is when you both have a mortgage?