Husband lied about his salary

[Truecrimemama]

apologies if anything similar has been posted before but I’ve looked and can’t find anyone in a similar boat.

ive recently found out that my husband earns significantly less than he’s always disclosed to me, for context we don’t share finances or a bank account and I’ve actually never questioned him about it because why would he be lying. Ive always believed that he earned 40k a decent comfortable salary for where we are in the north of England. And combined with what I earn a very good joint income. it actually turns out my husband earns over £15,000 less and I’m shocked although a lot of things are starting to make sense.

For a little bit of context my husband pays all the bills and I pay for everything else, things like all of our clothes, everything for the kids, any extras we need, things for the home, and my own personal bills and holidays for just a few examples. This has always worked out. The problem has been that my husband had always complained about ‘not having any money’ and money has always been a huge point of contention any decision that we should be making together about matters to do with the house car or money he will completely blow up and then storm off. He’s always been right but him constantly claiming to be broke has really started to wear thin. I had a suspicion he was hiding something from me so I have offered multiple times to also on top of everything else I pay for to pay a share of the bills, on the provision that he shows me all his ingoings and outgoing plus any savings he has so we can make a proper budget. He has always point blank refused.

anyway last night we got into another huge argument about money and he shouted at me and stormed off for a couple of hours. When he got back we sat down and discussed it properly where he said that he only earns 25k a year take home pay after tax and deductions on the 40k a year. He had always framed it that he earned 40k take home and I believed him, I knew this wasn’t right and there was no way he was paying 15k a year tax. So for the first time I googled his salary at his company and for his exact role his pre tax pay is £31,000 bringing his take home pay to that £25,000 he was talking about.

when I goggled the company he works for I also saw that all employees had a pretty significant one off bonus during covid that he never told me about. His mum had also given him a sizeable amount of money About 20,000 which I do know about but that he wont touch or do anything with, so when an unexpected expense come along such as something going wrong with the car he will then complain about how it’s left him short, and that he’s got no money, when I point out the money his mother gave him he will act like he’s just saving it for her and that it’s not really his to spend! Which I’m not quite sure I believe

ive always felt like my husband is financially controlling, tight and a Scrooge when it comes to money, I’ve always felt like he uses money as a stick to beat me with, saying things like he might lose his job periodically or that his role will soon be decommissioned, I’ve suggested him to go for a promotion in the company if he’s worried about that but he always said he’d rather take a pay cut than take on a more senior role and work more hours. I'm totally at a loss and feel so stupid for just taking what he said for the past 10 plus years at face value

just looking for some validation really and to see if anyone else has encountered anything like this before.

whether he lied about his salary or not is irrelevant when his money is clearly going on something if he can't afford to pay more than the household bills, especially after a work bonus and a 20k gift from mum.

best case scenario, he had issues around money growing up and wants a nest egg to feel secure, worst case scenario it's an addiction

This is also not correct, especially as you have mentioned he would have received a bonus through his work.

He could be earning 40k a year, and if he receives a bonus in say August of £5000, in that month he would be charged 40% tax, because the PAYE system assumes this will be your pay for the rest of the year. When his wage is back to normal the following month he would be just charged his normal tax and then at the end of the tax year he would receive a tax rebate for the additional amount. So it’s absolutely possible that he is sometimes paying higher rate tax.

If you were to ask him if he’s happy he would say he was, he wants to spend all of his time with me, and doesn’t go out drinking, is super introverted so doesn’t have many friends, he comes home when he is supposed to and leaves in the morning when he is supposed. The only time we argue is when I question things or ask about money/finances or important matters.
he is not sneaky with his belongings or phone/laptop.

regarding the mortgage I had a terrible HG pregnancy and gave him all the info needed and he then dealt with it as I was in and out of hospital, constantly unwell or on a drip, fainting, anemic etc it was honestly terrible and I had zero energy, this lasted up until I gave birth practically so I did indeed let him deal with the finances. I have insisted that from now on I want to be present to deal with all to do with the mortgage as well. My name is indeed on the house as I have seen limited paperwork.

of course I would never accuse him of lying or broach this in an accusatory way.

with the company he works for, the only way to increase your pay is to apply for a higher grade which would mean more responsibilities his grade is the third highest already the starting salary on his company is abysmally low. He doesn’t know I’ve looked online no

Absolutely this. Every financially abusive man I’ve ever encountered - IRL or on MN - follows this pattern. They pay the ‘bills’ and the mother of their children is shafted by the variable stuff.

OP, tell him it’s sight of 6 months’ payslips and outgoings on everything he pays, or heading towards divorce. Which will cost him much more.

Just a bit of context here. There are salary calculators online you can use. If you enter 40k per annum that equates to 31k take home pay. If you enter 31k per annum that equates to 25k take home. Very easy to find out. So he’s obviously on 31k a year as you found out. The lying is a different issue but I think you can be confident his salary is 31k a year and knowing that will give you some leverage when discussing finances.

I'm sorry to say OP but everything you have said makes it sound like your DH is financially abusing you. His storming off and shouting when you try to discuss things are also signs of coercive control. I could be wrong but I suggest you talk to Women's aid to help you unpick what is going on in your relationship.

Ok, I got that wrong.

I'm not sure how my saying that I believe you will give you validation, @Truecrimemama, but I do completely understand what you're saying and how it came about - even to your MIL still being reasonably incapable 5 years after your FIL's death. I saw something very similar happen to my grandmother when my grandfather died, though granted, that was back in the Sixties! I wonder if your husband is so tricky about finances now because you are actually earning as well, if not perhaps better, than he is, and he resents it and feels somehow wronged by you?

his covid bonus was £1000 and it was a one off payment. Normally he would not receive a bonus at all. So I don’t think this bonus would tip him over the threshold into ever paying the higher rate of tax. I understand I’ve been incredibly Naïve here.

looking at the full salary disclosure for his company a manager would be the only position that would equate to him earning what I thought he was, and he is definitely not and has no intention of ever taking on a role like that.

I grew up in a financially abusive household, and lying - especially compulsive lying - goes hand in hand with financial control. They abuser spins a web of lies to keep the abused spouse and children in the dark, anxious, fearful, insecure. There’s always “no money”, even when the abuser has an extensive property portfolio and a very senior job that you can google the salary of in an instant.

He lied/lies sounds financially controlling .
The 20k is his not the families . He won’t share with you even the truth of Income and outgoings . He would rather make you feel like shit for 10 years than admit he’s a lying arse. He will scream and shout to distract from you finding out the truth.

Id leave and take half . Get your maintenance and know where you stand with finances and life . .

Or if your going to stay. Tell him he pays his salary into a joint account and you want to deal with finances now . Also you must address the 20k .
Why did he keep the covid payment a secret ?

He is just a big fat lier OP sorry.

I think some people are missing the point the OP is making here. He has told her that £40K is what he takes home, not before tax. That's a lie, whichever way you look at it and he knew it. It's not been done in error - it's a lie.

I'd take the view that if he's lying about this (and possibly about 'just looking after' the £20,000 from his mum), then he's got compulsive liar tendencies. Once a liar, then how could I trust him in future? Answer = I wouldn't. Only the OP can know where she goes from there.

Another thing that I find utterly terrifying is that if ever I was to become unwell we clearly could not manage at all, yes I have savings that might last a while but given how my husband was with money when I had a terrible pregnancy or was a stay at home parent I just know it would be awful. And my husband doesn’t ever want to discuss anything in an adult way.

I have just seen some posters asking how old I am and about the age gap, I am 30 and he is 15 years older than me if that helps to contextualise things

If he got a £1000 bonus in one salary payment, he may have been taxed at the higher rate for that salary payment only, but it will have evened out during the rest of the financial year, so he won't have paid higher rate tax in the end.

He's clearly either deliberately trying to hide some aspects of his finances, or he's an idiot. Neither is good and you need more transparency and shared input going forwards.

Frame it as 'if something happened to him, you'd be lost' or 'you're concerned that you're claiming CB you're not entitled to due to his 'high' salary' so want to get everything straight. Or you want to review the family budget to see what costs you can cut to balance the books due to CoL.

Or just threaten to divorce him and seek child maintenance payments based on what he's told you he earns?

I don’t know anyone who gives their salary amount pre tax. So he may not be lying.

I honestly don’t know how you’ve not questioned it for 10 year? Once married you should be a team, particularly with children as well.

The only way you will know the truth about income OP is if you sit down with him and discuss. Looking online is flawed, as I said, I work for public sector, you could go on my work website and find pay grades- but you’d not know mine based off of that. It doesn’t say on the website anything about length of service, bonuses, tp, extra duties etc on mine either. So you don’t know if he is definitely on the amount the website says without speaking to him.

If I was you (if you haven’t already) I would really recommend getting income protection cover.

So why did you never call him out on this at the time? You knew he was talking out of his arse and appear to just have gone along with it

Apart from lying about the salary, what is the issue here?
The whole point of separate finances is that you don't need to have a hand in what the other person is earning or spending. I have no clue how much my partner makes and he doesn't have an idea about what I make. All we both care about is that our share of outgoings is covered. We are both responsible for our respective cars. His has been in a garage for 3 months out of the last year and is currently in the garage again. His bills for car repairs last year are probably in the region of 5k. Not my problem. My £800 bill for my car repairs last year also isn't his problem. The only concession I make is to let him drive my car - he pays for petrol when he does.
He can complain all he likes but at the end of the day, it is his responsibility to cover budget gaps (either by spending less or earning more). I don't understand why you need to have an argument about it. That's what separate finances are for, surely.

I wouldn’t pay off the mortgage while he keeps the 20k. ? Yes you should be able to do this In a marriage but you may be left with a man who keeps all he has and then wants half the house later down the line.

OP this man is hiding something . Why he can’t show you his accounts is a massive red flag .

In fairness, OP only says he's alluded to the fact that he took home 40k after tax.

I don't know anyone who speaks about their salary that way - they say they make 40k even if they take home much less after deductions.

I agree, it’s quite a leap to imply that someone is a “spendthrift” on the basis that their husband is being deceptive and secretive about finances.

Well the OP has said that's not the case so I'm must be wrong.

In my defence I'd have thought one obvious reason one partner would hide money from the other would be they didn't want it to be spent. So I don't think it was an unreasonable suggestion.

Anyway, we now now they're both on the same page on that issue. They both want to keep spending under control and the take home income of DH is known and always was.

I know how it may look, but he is very tricky when it comes to things like this, and to be honest at times I haven’t wanted to rock the boat. These issues never seem to be resolved anyway and he just storms off, so yes I have questioned things previously but there is no resolution and just caused a complete atmosphere. Now I am older and maybe wiser I am realising this isn’t normal. I’ve read hundreds of threads on here for months and I’m questioning things more and more.

another poster said he may resent me earning money now and I think you are correct, the more I earn the more he tends to say he has no money, the less he wants to contribute towards Christmas and stupid things like that. If I ask him to pick up something for the kids such as pyjamas or bedding he will ask me to reimburse him

If you’re only on 25k yourself and you say you offered to pay off the mortgage you must be able to save a massive amount each month OP It doesn’t seem like you have any financial difficulties?

OP I think you need a serious chat with him, and you also need to really think about what you want the end goal to be. Do you want to pool finances as a household going forward? Is that the goal- both of your incomes into one pot and everything comes out of that?

Honestly, it sounds like you knew he was a liar but stayed with him anyway out of convenience. I mean, if you wanted to be sure of his income you could have looked it up years ago, surely?