Husband lied about his salary

[Truecrimemama]

apologies if anything similar has been posted before but I’ve looked and can’t find anyone in a similar boat.

ive recently found out that my husband earns significantly less than he’s always disclosed to me, for context we don’t share finances or a bank account and I’ve actually never questioned him about it because why would he be lying. Ive always believed that he earned 40k a decent comfortable salary for where we are in the north of England. And combined with what I earn a very good joint income. it actually turns out my husband earns over £15,000 less and I’m shocked although a lot of things are starting to make sense.

For a little bit of context my husband pays all the bills and I pay for everything else, things like all of our clothes, everything for the kids, any extras we need, things for the home, and my own personal bills and holidays for just a few examples. This has always worked out. The problem has been that my husband had always complained about ‘not having any money’ and money has always been a huge point of contention any decision that we should be making together about matters to do with the house car or money he will completely blow up and then storm off. He’s always been right but him constantly claiming to be broke has really started to wear thin. I had a suspicion he was hiding something from me so I have offered multiple times to also on top of everything else I pay for to pay a share of the bills, on the provision that he shows me all his ingoings and outgoing plus any savings he has so we can make a proper budget. He has always point blank refused.

anyway last night we got into another huge argument about money and he shouted at me and stormed off for a couple of hours. When he got back we sat down and discussed it properly where he said that he only earns 25k a year take home pay after tax and deductions on the 40k a year. He had always framed it that he earned 40k take home and I believed him, I knew this wasn’t right and there was no way he was paying 15k a year tax. So for the first time I googled his salary at his company and for his exact role his pre tax pay is £31,000 bringing his take home pay to that £25,000 he was talking about.

when I goggled the company he works for I also saw that all employees had a pretty significant one off bonus during covid that he never told me about. His mum had also given him a sizeable amount of money About 20,000 which I do know about but that he wont touch or do anything with, so when an unexpected expense come along such as something going wrong with the car he will then complain about how it’s left him short, and that he’s got no money, when I point out the money his mother gave him he will act like he’s just saving it for her and that it’s not really his to spend! Which I’m not quite sure I believe

ive always felt like my husband is financially controlling, tight and a Scrooge when it comes to money, I’ve always felt like he uses money as a stick to beat me with, saying things like he might lose his job periodically or that his role will soon be decommissioned, I’ve suggested him to go for a promotion in the company if he’s worried about that but he always said he’d rather take a pay cut than take on a more senior role and work more hours. I'm totally at a loss and feel so stupid for just taking what he said for the past 10 plus years at face value

just looking for some validation really and to see if anyone else has encountered anything like this before.

Not sure it matters. In this case the OP and DH have divided things up so he pays the bills and OP pays for Clothes and Holidays etc.

The OP isn't saying DH is underpaying, she's saying he's paying a higher percentage of "his" income then she thought.

And critically she does know his net income. She just doesn't know his gross income.

Of course it matters. Where is all the extra money going? Is the DH paying loads into a pension while the OP is unable to work more hours as she has to look after the house and children?
Is there a deduction of earnings order attached to his wages?

It seems she can trust him to pay the bills, which is what they agreed.

But yes, if she thinks that lie is to much to live with she'll have to leave. I'm not even sure it's a lie, there are loads of ways to reconcile the known net number with the "lie" gross number.

She not saying there's any extra, she's saying he earns less than she thought, not more.

...and she's has more "extra" than him - she has higher income with lower outgoings. So if she's worried he's saving for retirement she can do the same. (The idea that saving for retirement is a bad thing and that he'd need to conceal it from her is 🤯.)

He's told her he's earning 40K, is a higher rate tax payer, and is also telling her he only has £25k net.
Who knows which of those statements are true, if any?

Of course saving a much larger amount for retirement than his wife is able to, because of her labour at home would be a bad thing.

@GreenIsMyFavoriteColour Blimey - you're quite literal aren't you!!!

My DH and I don't show each other our monthly payslip FFS - he tells me how much he earns. We also sit down once or twice a year to look at our finances - pensions, ISAs, premium bonds, mortgage etc. we make sure we are making good fiscal decisions. This year, he has topped up my pension.

He's recently started a new job, he told me what his new monthly income - gross and net was.

All these conversations are completely normal within a marriage.
How you agree to manage your money in your marriage is up to the 2 of you, as long as you are transparent and there is no financial / coercive control.
OP is getting none of this which is a HUGE red flag.

@GreenIsMyFavoriteColourBlimey - you're quite literal aren't you!!!

My DH and I don't show each other our monthly payslip FFS

I was replying to someone who said that bank statements of individual accounts should be shared.

Who pays for food/supermarket (non-comsumable) shopping? This is a large part of monthly outgoing.

Without a transparent conversation about income you can't budget outgoings never mind savings or the need to increase income where possible. Or entitlement to benefits such as child benefit.

The issue for me is the refusal to discuss. You are equal adults - he does not get to put his foot down.

Perhaps refusal to discuss is that you may conclude the best option is to increase your earning given that he won't seek promotion and that will mean that he has to increase his work as a parent. Get it in the open.

He is making you feel financially insecure by saying he can't afford things you assumed you could and suggesting he may lose his job. Whilst refusing financial support from you. Are you financially OK or not. You don't know because he refuses to talk to you. If he won't you have a choice to accept the status quo, to leave or make your own decisions based on the incomplete information he will give - ie in this context, I feel the need to increase my paid employment, here are your increased parental requirements and increased childcare costs.

It seems he wants you to do all the parenting, earn money to support his children but know your place.

Just tell him you plan to work full time and that childcare costs are a bill for him to pay. I bet he'll want to talk then.

So I spoke to my husband briefly before I went to work earlier he is still maintaining thar he is paying 40% tax on his income. I did question and said that is for over 50k you can’t possibly be paying the higher tax rate if you earn 40k and he said unless I am mistaken I am paying 40 percent tax. How can he not know how much tax he is paying?

the second thing he told me earlier was that he has a £400,000 pension. again I don’t understand how he can have such a huge pension but claims to earn now 25k after tax. The same as I earn and my pension is minimal compared to his!

He sounds like a fantasist.

I feel like I’ve punched in the gut I’m so so upset

OP if he’s adamant he is, and he isn’t just on a higher salary and lying, or doesn’t have a second income, then I would be saying you need to be sitting down to check his tax code and account with HMRC. If he is genuinely paying 40% tax on only 40k a year salary then there may be third party fraud going on.

The pension thing- I actually don’t have any words for that? The one and only thing I can think of regarding pension is if he had/has a private pension with benefits, dividends, or is classing investments as his “pension”. I know my granda had a huge “pension” (obviously years and years ago) and I can’t remember exactly the make up of it but it was essentially a combination of investments, stocks, and he had been overpaying into his pension for tax/pay benefits for years. But certainly if all your husband has is a public sector pension, there isn’t 400k in there.

He doesn’t have a second income he only works the hours he’s ever worked and when he comes home he is watching tv or a movie definitely not on laptop Investing in a stock portfolio.

I can’t imagine any thirds party fraud going on either, this man knows where every penny is down to the last cent.

I found some of our mortgage paperwork my name
is definitely on there.

my honest gut feeling is that it’s all lies and I know he can pay the bills/refuses my help by the need to make these crazy claims and act thick when I ask him about them,

he also admitted the bonus but said it was a payrise for the year. Although he initially lied and said he never had it when I first questioned it.

I can only imagine the amount of stress he has put himself through, hiding this from you. He is obviously a very proud man and didn't want you to know he is basically living on the breadline.

Tell him you’re going to find out the truth whatever happens, so he might as well tell you all and let you have access to everything rather than wait to be ordered to make a full financial disclosure as part of divorce proceedings. I’d like to see him try and give a judge the run around in the same way he seems to be giving you the run around.

The thing is he doesn’t know where every penny is because if he did, he’d be able to say without a doubt what tax he pays, no “unless I’m mistaken”.

By third party fraud, what I meant is he may not even be aware of it unless he regularly checks his tax account with HMRC. It’s not impossible that someone could be fraudulently working under his details, which means if he is working for 40k a year, and someone else is working under his details on say 25k a year, he is seen to be earning 65k a year and so would be charged the higher rate tax. It’s not likely obviously, but if is genuinely is adamant that he is paying 40% tax on 40k salary then it could be possible x

Have you asked him what he’s afraid of you seeing with full transparency. What does he say?

or

Just say a friend said she was thinking about applying for a similar job but the pay was only 31k and she couldn’t possibly be right could she? Or a friends friend asked you for more info as they knew dp did that job.

Simple solution is see a payslip ?

There is a 15 year age gap if he hasn't sorted out a pension then you will be looking after him with minimal support. You would have to go through a social worker to get funding for his care if you needed it. Have you spoken about the future because it doesn't smell rosy.

@GreenIsMyFavoriteColour can't quote you but replying to the post where you say not sure many couples would know what each other earns. Surely this isn't true? I can't imagine not knowing what DH earns - how would we plan for our financial future, make a budget for savings, decide on holidays etc?

I love it when women pick other women apart when they’re seeking advice it’s my favourite thing. Your friends are lucky to have you

Thanks for all he advice on here guys, lots of different opinions and ways of dealing with finances in a marriage. Lots to think over. It was also super cathartic to get it all out in the open like this, I’ve really enjoying talking to you all. Hopefully I will be able to update you all the in next couple of days. Thanks again and merry Christmas to each and every one of you x

No one I know talks about their salary in terms of take home pay. Are you sure you haven't got the wrong end of the stick and that's always been his annual salary before any deductions?

Tentatively asking could he have dc anywhere he is paying cms for and is hiding the whole caboodle from you op? My ndn celebrated her 20 wedding anniversary and let slip her dh's child maintenance payments were crippling them. Once sober we never mentioned it again. ..