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AIBU?

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Original poster

Telling DS I don't want his gift

211 replies

QueenofClutter · 19/12/2023 12:59

I know he's trying to be thoughtful, and all things considered we're not talking much money, but he's just bought me something I really don't want. How can I let him down gently without seeming ungrateful?

Bit of a longwinded back story.

I'm decluttering prior to a house move. Sold most of my vinyl records, and I'm having a clear out of CDs. (Keeping plenty, I might add, just being ruthless with stuff I haven't played for years.) Some of the vinyl is 50 years old, and anything of sentimental value or that i particularly like has already been replaced by the CD version.

Not exactly sure how, but some particular titles got mentioned while we were talking music. He's now sent me a CD of something I've already got - and is also in the recycling pile.

I've no idea how he came to think this particular CD is something I wanted! ( ps it's not a Christmas gift)

While I appreciate the gesture, I can't get enthusiastic about it - and I'm very bad at disguising my feelings too. I don't want to encourage him to buy more cds for me either!

Help!

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenofClutter · 20/12/2023 11:05

BarbaraofSeville · 20/12/2023 08:56

Which is how people end up with houses full of crap they don't want, because no-one is honest about gifts they're given that are, in this case, bought by people who know the recipient already has too many of the item in question and is actively trying to get rid of them.

A CD is a daft gift for a CD collector unless you know what they already have and what they still want to acquire. Which he has clearly not bothered to think about.

Why don't the OPs feelings matter? Everyone claims it's the thought that counts but it's not a nice thought at all. Because it's putting back the OPs decluttering efforts. But she's not allowed to say anything, to spare his feelings, but somehow her's don't matter at all.

OP, if I were you, I'd box up a load of the stuff you don't want and take it all round to his place. Tell him he'll have to deal with it when you're dead or go into a home, so he might as well start now.

Oh, and buy him a copy of the Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning for Christmas.

Show quote history

BarbaraofSeville Thank you for telling it like it is. Wish I could be as straightforward as that with DS.

I was so intrigued by that book title that I had to investigate. I might suggest he buys that for me next time he's on Amazon at silly o'clock!

DGD has already had a load of stuff I'm clearing out, but nobody has a CD player any more so I thought I'd sell them/charity shop the ones that noone wants.

There's several layers here. No I'm not going to tell him I don't really want it, but I think it's time we had a proper talk about money. Like, what will he do when I die (apart from drinking himself to death or frittering it all away on useless tat...) That's a whole new topic I'm going to have to tread carefully around. Please, no comments on that.

OP posts:
SwingTheMonkey · 20/12/2023 11:21

QueenofClutter · 20/12/2023 11:05

BarbaraofSeville Thank you for telling it like it is. Wish I could be as straightforward as that with DS.

I was so intrigued by that book title that I had to investigate. I might suggest he buys that for me next time he's on Amazon at silly o'clock!

DGD has already had a load of stuff I'm clearing out, but nobody has a CD player any more so I thought I'd sell them/charity shop the ones that noone wants.

There's several layers here. No I'm not going to tell him I don't really want it, but I think it's time we had a proper talk about money. Like, what will he do when I die (apart from drinking himself to death or frittering it all away on useless tat...) That's a whole new topic I'm going to have to tread carefully around. Please, no comments on that.

Show quote history

Why did you bother writing this aibu when you've ignored the vast majority of people that have told you that you are being unreasonable and have only listened to the one or two who agreed with you. What a waste of everyone’s time.

You come across as full of disdain for your son, btw.

Original poster
QueenofClutter · 20/12/2023 11:33

SwingTheMonkey · 20/12/2023 11:21

Why did you bother writing this aibu when you've ignored the vast majority of people that have told you that you are being unreasonable and have only listened to the one or two who agreed with you. What a waste of everyone’s time.

You come across as full of disdain for your son, btw.

Show quote history

Not at all. As I just said above, there's several layers to this, it's not just about how to say thank you graciously for something I don't want. I do appreciate the gesture, same as I do every time he (and anyone else for that matter) gifts me something.

"Disdain" is a strong word. Sometimes it's a fine line between accepting the status quo or trying to help when it's often perceived as interfering. After all, he IS an adult with his own life.

OP posts:
CherryShirt · 20/12/2023 12:06

Why don't the OPs feelings matter? Everyone claims it's the thought that counts but it's not a nice thought at all. Because it's putting back the OPs decluttering efforts. But she's not allowed to say anything, to spare his feelings, but somehow her's don't matter at all.

Bloody hell, this is so over the top. How does buying someone a CD hurt their feelings? As for “putting back the OP’s decluttering efforts”, how big is this bloody CD?!

CherryShirt · 20/12/2023 12:07

SwingTheMonkey · 20/12/2023 11:21

Why did you bother writing this aibu when you've ignored the vast majority of people that have told you that you are being unreasonable and have only listened to the one or two who agreed with you. What a waste of everyone’s time.

You come across as full of disdain for your son, btw.

Show quote history

And now the latest is that she’s adding in extra information that we’re not allowed to comment on…

SwingTheMonkey · 20/12/2023 13:28

QueenofClutter · 20/12/2023 11:33

Not at all. As I just said above, there's several layers to this, it's not just about how to say thank you graciously for something I don't want. I do appreciate the gesture, same as I do every time he (and anyone else for that matter) gifts me something.

"Disdain" is a strong word. Sometimes it's a fine line between accepting the status quo or trying to help when it's often perceived as interfering. After all, he IS an adult with his own life.

Show quote history

Not at all

Er, yes. You have completely ignored the pages and pages of people telling you that you are, in fact, being completely unreasonable (and more than 90% of the votes!) and have responded and thanked the small minority who agree with you. Why did you bother posting? You clearly don’t think you’re in the slightest bit unreasonable.

And yes, disdain is a strong word but I stand by that because that’s exactly how you’re coming across. You’ve basically described your own son as a useless, feckless alcoholic who will drink himself to death after you’re gone. You’ve literally not said a single decent thing about him.

You never know, he might find happiness in your absence and turn his life around!

Kellogg1 · 20/12/2023 15:50

BarbaraofSeville · 20/12/2023 08:56

Which is how people end up with houses full of crap they don't want, because no-one is honest about gifts they're given that are, in this case, bought by people who know the recipient already has too many of the item in question and is actively trying to get rid of them.

A CD is a daft gift for a CD collector unless you know what they already have and what they still want to acquire. Which he has clearly not bothered to think about.

Why don't the OPs feelings matter? Everyone claims it's the thought that counts but it's not a nice thought at all. Because it's putting back the OPs decluttering efforts. But she's not allowed to say anything, to spare his feelings, but somehow her's don't matter at all.

OP, if I were you, I'd box up a load of the stuff you don't want and take it all round to his place. Tell him he'll have to deal with it when you're dead or go into a home, so he might as well start now.

Oh, and buy him a copy of the Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning for Christmas.

Show quote history

You must be very popular. Common courtesy is a thing.

LordSummerisle · 20/12/2023 18:23

My son bought me a book last Christmas on 1960's motorbikes, and as I was unwrapping it I said "I've already got this".

I looked up, and the look on his face, I felt awful.

I felt better when he told me he picked it up from a charity shop for £2. lol!

Dibbydoos · 20/12/2023 19:08

He's your DS, ask him to take it back and get a refund because youve already got it.

Put the money towards you both going out for nosh as posh as you can afford.

Gemma2003 · 20/12/2023 19:30

I guess you weigh up hurting your son who has gone to a lot of effort to buy you a gift he thought you would like, or prioritise your need to get rid of things you have accumulated over the years over your family relationships.

What about a "thank you, that was very thoughtful of you, I will really enjoy this".

greenbeansnspinach · 20/12/2023 19:42

My son gave me a CD about 15 years ago. I’ve never actually listened to it! I last saw him in 2018 as he’s been living abroad, Covid and stuff. It was actually really well chosen and reading this post I’m going to find and play it - thank you.

LaurieStrode · 20/12/2023 19:48

LordSummerisle · 20/12/2023 18:23

My son bought me a book last Christmas on 1960's motorbikes, and as I was unwrapping it I said "I've already got this".

I looked up, and the look on his face, I felt awful.

I felt better when he told me he picked it up from a charity shop for £2. lol!

I don't understand blurting out something like that as the giver is happily watching one unwrap.

Gifts are about the thought, not the merchandise.

Redandpinkstripess · 20/12/2023 21:06

So rude to expect presents at all. I accept any present I receive with gratitude and wouldn't dream of commenting. Your son sounds lovely. Don't upset him by being so ungrateful.

LordSummerisle · 20/12/2023 22:05

Read it again......I said I felt awful, I should have kept my mouth shut. I accept that.

SwingTheMonkey · 20/12/2023 23:57

LordSummerisle · 20/12/2023 18:23

My son bought me a book last Christmas on 1960's motorbikes, and as I was unwrapping it I said "I've already got this".

I looked up, and the look on his face, I felt awful.

I felt better when he told me he picked it up from a charity shop for £2. lol!

You shouldn’t have felt better knowing how little he’d spent. It doesn’t matter the cost of the gift, rather the thought behind it.

What is the matter with actual adults blurting out that they already had the thing they’d been gifted? If my young children did that, when they’d received something that they already had, they’d have had a serve in private. They know better than to be that rude.

Boomboom22 · 21/12/2023 00:02

Have people picked up the son is 50? And it sounds like failure to launch still at home, doesn't know mum all that well, issues with alcohol. So not really a case of hurting the poor boys feelings. He's old enough to be a grandad.

Mamanyt · 21/12/2023 00:09

With something small like that, simply keep the new one, thank him, and put the old one in the recycle bin.

CherryShirt · 21/12/2023 00:32

Boomboom22 · 21/12/2023 00:02

Have people picked up the son is 50? And it sounds like failure to launch still at home, doesn't know mum all that well, issues with alcohol. So not really a case of hurting the poor boys feelings. He's old enough to be a grandad.

Where does it say the son still lives at home?

SwingTheMonkey · 21/12/2023 01:58

Boomboom22 · 21/12/2023 00:02

Have people picked up the son is 50? And it sounds like failure to launch still at home, doesn't know mum all that well, issues with alcohol. So not really a case of hurting the poor boys feelings. He's old enough to be a grandad.

That you, OP?

LaurieStrode · 21/12/2023 02:35

LordSummerisle · 20/12/2023 22:05

Read it again......I said I felt awful, I should have kept my mouth shut. I accept that.

But why didn't you?

GrannyHelen1 · 21/12/2023 08:49

I once received 3 identical gifts from 3 of my children. I didn't actually want one of the item, let alone 3. I was delighted that they'd all tried to think of something nice for me, and managed to conceal not only my dismay but also the duplication. To have shown disappoinment or told them I already had the item would have been the height of bad manners, and very hurtful. Get over yourself; your DS has tried to do something thoughtful and appropriate, and if you spoil his pleasure you will be be the AH. Bigtime.

BowlOfNoodles · 21/12/2023 12:02

Might of been £4 I wouidnt risk looking ungrateful over that.

Mamabear487 · 21/12/2023 12:25

It’s a CD suck it up and get on with it.

inamarina · 21/12/2023 13:43

CherryShirt · 19/12/2023 13:33

I’d be inclined to reply “No, I didn’t have a ‘senior moment’ - I have an actual life and haven’t memorised the list of CDs my mother is giving to Oxfam. I’m sorry I bothered; you can have bath cubes next year.”

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This. It wouldn’t occur to me to suggest someone had a “senior moment” because their (carefully chosen) gift for me was somehow less than perfect or because they’d forgotten I was decluttering or whatever. It’s not their job to remember I’m decluttering, surely they have their own life to think about.
I would just thank them for the gift.

inamarina · 21/12/2023 14:05

TerribleWoman · 19/12/2023 16:27

You're nice, aren't you.
Imagine thinking that if you are hurt when someone throws a kind gesture back in your face that this is because you are "up yourself". Who the heck does that?

The person I think is "up themself" is the person who thinks that any present that misses the mark needs calling out and the person needs telling that the gift they sent is rubbish.

I think if in your family you are only allowed to send gifts if and when you have asked first if the gift is correct, if the person wants the gift etc, then your family doesn't sound that great. So I would rather be in my family where nice gestures are understood as nice gestures and gifts are acknowledged as small expressions of thoughtfulness, whether or not they are exactly what would have been chosen.

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The person I think is "up themself" is the person who thinks that any present that misses the mark needs calling out and the person needs telling that the gift they sent is rubbish.

Exactly.