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Original poster

Telling DS I don't want his gift

211 replies

QueenofClutter · 19/12/2023 12:59

I know he's trying to be thoughtful, and all things considered we're not talking much money, but he's just bought me something I really don't want. How can I let him down gently without seeming ungrateful?

Bit of a longwinded back story.

I'm decluttering prior to a house move. Sold most of my vinyl records, and I'm having a clear out of CDs. (Keeping plenty, I might add, just being ruthless with stuff I haven't played for years.) Some of the vinyl is 50 years old, and anything of sentimental value or that i particularly like has already been replaced by the CD version.

Not exactly sure how, but some particular titles got mentioned while we were talking music. He's now sent me a CD of something I've already got - and is also in the recycling pile.

I've no idea how he came to think this particular CD is something I wanted! ( ps it's not a Christmas gift)

While I appreciate the gesture, I can't get enthusiastic about it - and I'm very bad at disguising my feelings too. I don't want to encourage him to buy more cds for me either!

Help!

OP posts:
Canisaysomething · 19/12/2023 15:05

My parents are “honest” about gifts to save me waisting money. I’d rather waste my money than suffer the hurt of constantly being told I’m crap at gifts. Just thank you and thank the fact you have a child who wants to buy you presents.

Brefugee · 19/12/2023 15:06

what did you teach him as a small child about what to say when he was given a gift.

A gift that it sounds as though he's put a bit of thought into since you already have it.

You could do the "oh you shouldn't have, no really, you shouldn't have" in an attempt to get him to take it back? or you can do the polite thing and say thank you and move on.

A lot depends on what you taught him growing up and how old he is.

penjil · 19/12/2023 15:11

WillowTit · 19/12/2023 13:02

Tell him, easiest solution

?????

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 19/12/2023 15:18

TheShoulder · 19/12/2023 13:19

If he is an adult and the gift can be returned, I would tell him in a lighthearted way that I love it and I am really touched by his thoughtfulness and that he has got your taste spot on... so much so that you already have a copy 😂Then ask him if he would like to return it and get his money back but reiterate that you love the thought and will think of him every time you hear the album.

Then some time in the future tell him that you are getting rid of your vinyl and CDs so he doesn't buy any more.

Yes. If he got it via Amazon or similar its easy to return and I'm sure he wouldn't mind if you made a replacement suggestion instead. I know my DC would prefer that.
It was really thoughtful of him. Its hard to buy for parents. To younger people they seem to already have most things they want.

possiblenow · 19/12/2023 15:21

All this over a CD.

ActDottie · 19/12/2023 15:26

Just say thank you and smile and then regift it or send to charity shop. It’s not difficult!

oakleaffy · 19/12/2023 15:29

JassyRadlett · 19/12/2023 13:14

Oh god. Your problem is that you've got a son who is thoughtful and put that thought and effort into a gift for his mum?

That gift would go straight on my "sentimental" pile because it represents so much more.

Same here!

gemandjule · 19/12/2023 15:32

I have 2 dss who are now adults. I'm very close to both of them and am a ruthless declutterer but even now I would NEVER tell.one of them I didn't want a random gift they got me...it's so thoughtful of him. It's tiny and will sit in the pile of CDs and make zero difference except to give you a little warm glow in your heart when you see it 😊

Lmes · 19/12/2023 15:50

My friends son died a few years ago . She would love to have this problem .
i hope when he’s decluttering his life he has a place for you .

RedRedScab · 19/12/2023 15:55

You sound like my mother OP.

I made her a Christmas stocking last year and she complained there was too much chocolate in it saying 'I don't eat chocolate anymore'. Except she does. Loads of it. She makes gift giving a miserable experience every bloody time.

Just say thank you OP. Isn't thoughtfulness one of the qualities we should be encouraging in our offspring?

hobbitonthehill · 19/12/2023 15:57

Wtf is wrong with you ! Seriously

MidnightMeltdown · 19/12/2023 16:07

I would tell him that you already have it and ask whether you can exchange it for something else.

I find it weird that people are telling you to keep a gift that you don't want. Assuming that he's a grown man, not a 5 year old!

If it was me, I'd much rather my mum told me so that I didn't waste my money on something that she's doesn't want. I always keep receipts for gifts.

Parentofeanda · 19/12/2023 16:21

I wouldn't ever say I didn't want it! If you must just tell him that you already have it

MincePieForMe · 19/12/2023 16:21

I'm surprised that people still buy CDs in this age of streaming music. I would have thought a music voucher would be more appropriate in 2023. Either way, say thank you and don't even think about telling him you're rejecting his gift.

carwashthecat · 19/12/2023 16:27

Christ.. it's quite simple , be gracious .. smile and say Thank-you .. not sure why this is even an issue Confused

TerribleWoman · 19/12/2023 16:27

Circularargument · 19/12/2023 13:56

And I'm 60+ and wouldn't give a toss, because I'm not completely up myself. But in our family we ask. Simples.

Show quote history

You're nice, aren't you.
Imagine thinking that if you are hurt when someone throws a kind gesture back in your face that this is because you are "up yourself". Who the heck does that?

The person I think is "up themself" is the person who thinks that any present that misses the mark needs calling out and the person needs telling that the gift they sent is rubbish.

I think if in your family you are only allowed to send gifts if and when you have asked first if the gift is correct, if the person wants the gift etc, then your family doesn't sound that great. So I would rather be in my family where nice gestures are understood as nice gestures and gifts are acknowledged as small expressions of thoughtfulness, whether or not they are exactly what would have been chosen.

Needmorelego · 19/12/2023 16:53

@TerribleWoman but was it actually a nice gesture or was it a half arsed bought cd from a charity shop because he vaguely remembered his mum talking about Fleetwood Mac 3 weeks ago.
If this is an adult son (the OP never came back so we don't know) surely he is aware she is downsizing and getting rid of a lot of her music collection.

Original poster
QueenofClutter · 19/12/2023 17:03

Needmorelego · 19/12/2023 14:31

The OP hasn't come back so we don't know if this is a 45 year old son who is known for being a bit dopey or 12 year old who was being sweet.
The advice would be different depending on that important bit of information.

He's 50 and "a bit dopey" as you put it, and not v good managing his money either. Another reason I don't like him buying me things.

I really do think it's sweet of him to get it for me and I'd never dream of upsetting his feelings. However he's got form for buying me small gifts, usually something fairly useful, nothing extravagant. I think he thinks I'm just being polite when I say "You shouldn't have"... so how can I put it more bluntly that I don't want, or expect, surprise gifts?

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenofClutter · 19/12/2023 17:04

Needmorelego · 19/12/2023 16:53

@TerribleWoman but was it actually a nice gesture or was it a half arsed bought cd from a charity shop because he vaguely remembered his mum talking about Fleetwood Mac 3 weeks ago.
If this is an adult son (the OP never came back so we don't know) surely he is aware she is downsizing and getting rid of a lot of her music collection.

Both I suspect

OP posts:
SwingTheMonkey · 19/12/2023 17:06

MidnightMeltdown · 19/12/2023 16:07

I would tell him that you already have it and ask whether you can exchange it for something else.

I find it weird that people are telling you to keep a gift that you don't want. Assuming that he's a grown man, not a 5 year old!

If it was me, I'd much rather my mum told me so that I didn't waste my money on something that she's doesn't want. I always keep receipts for gifts.

Because it’s not about the gift. It’s a CD ffs and probably cost peanuts. It’s the thought and sentiment that are important here. If op doesn’t want it, it doesn’t matter. Being appreciative of her child being thoughtful is more important than whether she’s received a gift she actually wants. I can’t believe people actually need that explaining.

Why are people so bothered about needing to like a gift someone has bought you, off the cuff? If any of my kids came home and said ‘I saw this and thought you’d love it’, I’d treasure it forever- whether I actually liked the thing or not. Because I’m not a selfish prick and the sentiment means more to me than the gift.

SwingTheMonkey · 19/12/2023 17:09

QueenofClutter · 19/12/2023 17:03

He's 50 and "a bit dopey" as you put it, and not v good managing his money either. Another reason I don't like him buying me things.

I really do think it's sweet of him to get it for me and I'd never dream of upsetting his feelings. However he's got form for buying me small gifts, usually something fairly useful, nothing extravagant. I think he thinks I'm just being polite when I say "You shouldn't have"... so how can I put it more bluntly that I don't want, or expect, surprise gifts?

Show quote history

If, after reading the countless replies telling you to wind your neck in and appreciate the gift from your thoughtful child, you still feel the need to tell him to stop buying you gifts - just tell him.

Because then he can hopefully find someone who appreciates his kindness to buy for instead.

Needmorelego · 19/12/2023 17:09

@QueenofClutter you're back 🙂
Apologies for calling your son dopey - hope you aren't offended.
I think you just need to be clear. For birthdays and Christmas gifts be firm in saying what things you would like using a wish list but sit him down and say although it's very kind he doesn't need to buy you gifts any other time. (Well maybe Mother's Day too 😂)
Maybe invite him round to help with the decluttering so he might get the point.

allmycats · 19/12/2023 17:10

It’s a thoughtful gift as far as your son is concerned. You gratefully accept and show pleasure. No other choice.

girlfriend44 · 19/12/2023 17:11

Another reason why present giving should be consigned to the bin, save posts like this.

SwingTheMonkey · 19/12/2023 17:13

Do people really do that? Give out lists of approved presents before anyone can buy for you? I can’t imagine doing that, unless some ideas have been specifically asked for. If someone thinks they know me well enough to buy me a surprise, I’ll bloody well appreciate the thought that’s gone into it. How unbelievably selfish to only accept people’s generosity if they’ve bought a gift off the approved list.

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