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Original poster

Telling DS I don't want his gift

211 replies

QueenofClutter · 19/12/2023 12:59

I know he's trying to be thoughtful, and all things considered we're not talking much money, but he's just bought me something I really don't want. How can I let him down gently without seeming ungrateful?

Bit of a longwinded back story.

I'm decluttering prior to a house move. Sold most of my vinyl records, and I'm having a clear out of CDs. (Keeping plenty, I might add, just being ruthless with stuff I haven't played for years.) Some of the vinyl is 50 years old, and anything of sentimental value or that i particularly like has already been replaced by the CD version.

Not exactly sure how, but some particular titles got mentioned while we were talking music. He's now sent me a CD of something I've already got - and is also in the recycling pile.

I've no idea how he came to think this particular CD is something I wanted! ( ps it's not a Christmas gift)

While I appreciate the gesture, I can't get enthusiastic about it - and I'm very bad at disguising my feelings too. I don't want to encourage him to buy more cds for me either!

Help!

OP posts:
Comedycook · 19/12/2023 14:05

I think it must be very hurtful for a child, even an adult child, to have their gift criticised or rejected by their parent. Can't believe it's even a question really. It's like when your child scribbles on a piece of paper at nursery, obviously you tell them it's brilliant.

Sellingstress · 19/12/2023 14:06

Circularargument · 19/12/2023 13:58

And did either of you actually start asking what she wanted, or just nurse your grievances and resentment?

Honestly, how childish can one get? TALK. Ask what people would like. Stop being so fucking precious about ooh has to be a lovely surprise. No, it doesn't.

Edited
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🙄
yes we did. She said she didnt mind/couldn’t think/surprise me.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 19/12/2023 14:07

Assuming he doesn't have a gifts-I've-given-my-mother inventory list that he checks through regularly, it would be okay to 'recycle' the CD. But, honestly, my main thought would be, 'I've got a lovely son in my life who wanted to do something nice for me'. Intentions are important.

Circularargument · 19/12/2023 14:07

Sellingstress · 19/12/2023 14:06

🙄
yes we did. She said she didnt mind/couldn’t think/surprise me.

Show quote history

Then she bore the responsibility

caringcarer · 19/12/2023 14:07

Get rid of your old copy. Thank DS for new copy and think of him when you play it.

Sellingstress · 19/12/2023 14:08

betterangels · 19/12/2023 13:55

I feel this. I'm sorry, it cuts pretty deep.

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❤️

GMsAWinner · 19/12/2023 14:10

The cost of a CD wouldn't be worth upsetting my DC for - he'll go from being happy to knowing he's got it wrong and feel disappointed. Just play the CD a couple of times before you move and if you really don't want take to charity the week before you move.

Comedycook · 19/12/2023 14:14

Getting presents from your children is so precious. My ds bought me a plastic rose when he was at his primary school Christmas fair...it was about ten years ago now...I still have it.

MeMySonAnd1 · 19/12/2023 14:16

Good grief! You are going to be ungrateful to your child just because the CD he gave you uses too much space? What planet are you on?

I’m sure you can make space for it, even for a month or so, rather than denting the relationship with your son by showing ingratitude when he tried to be thoughtful.

SwingTheMonkey · 19/12/2023 14:29

How wonderful that your son thought of you and bought you a gift. It means even more that it wasn’t a birthday or Christmas gift that he’d ‘had’ to buy, he just saw something he thought you’d love. If it were me, I’d keep the CD forever as a reminder of what a wonderful human being my child is.

What I wouldn’t do is tell him he’d got it wrong and could he return it. I simply cannot believe anyone would think it appropriate to do so.

DoDoDoD · 19/12/2023 14:29

don't be so helpless - get better at disguising your feelings, say thanks and be grateful

Needmorelego · 19/12/2023 14:31

The OP hasn't come back so we don't know if this is a 45 year old son who is known for being a bit dopey or 12 year old who was being sweet.
The advice would be different depending on that important bit of information.

Tacotortoise · 19/12/2023 14:34

We taught out children that here are 3 acceptable responses to a gift:

"Thank you, I love it", "Thank you, its just what I need" and "Thank you, that's so thoughtful"

Then, another time, if your relationship with the person is such that it's appropriate, you can make suggestions about what sort of thing you might like to receive.

Blinkityblonk · 19/12/2023 14:37

It's perfectly ok to say "I really appreciate that you thought of me, but I don't like the gift". You are rejecting the gift ... not them

This is mostly not ok. If it's your partner and you are used to being pretty honest, it might just wash but in all other circumstances giving a gift is done exactly to offer a token of love or thought about the other person, so rejecting the gift becomes symbolic of that. I wouldn't reject any gift, ever, for this reason, I'd just thank the person and recycle/move it on if it really wasn't for me. Gift giving isn't a mercenary transaction (usually) and for some people, it's their love language, some are also sensitive to rejection. I didn't care that my husband once said 'I don't like scarves' when I'd bought a lovely cashmere scarf, but I do remember it!

Comedycook · 19/12/2023 14:37

Tacotortoise · 19/12/2023 14:34

We taught out children that here are 3 acceptable responses to a gift:

"Thank you, I love it", "Thank you, its just what I need" and "Thank you, that's so thoughtful"

Then, another time, if your relationship with the person is such that it's appropriate, you can make suggestions about what sort of thing you might like to receive.

I told my DC similar... whatever the gift is open it and say thank you, I love it...even if you don't.

SwingTheMonkey · 19/12/2023 14:39

Needmorelego · 19/12/2023 14:31

The OP hasn't come back so we don't know if this is a 45 year old son who is known for being a bit dopey or 12 year old who was being sweet.
The advice would be different depending on that important bit of information.

Regardless of whether it’s a dopey 45 year old or a 12 year old kid, the son did something incredibly thoughtful. Not because he had to, it wasn’t a gift for an event, he did it because he saw something he thought his mother would love. The sentiment is the same, regardless of the giver.

Why on earth can’t people just be grateful of the fact they’ve got a wonderful child, rather than focus on the actual gift? Needing the gift to be exactly right (or you’ll ask for it to be returned) is incredibly selfish. Be grateful you’re loved and thought about.

Stressfordays · 19/12/2023 14:40

Can you even buy CDs? Haha I've not seen one in years. You thank your son for the gift and get rid when you can. There is no point upsetting him over it.

Niallig32839 · 19/12/2023 14:42

Just say thanks that’s so kind and thoughtful.

if you are a bit of a hoarder with loads of stuff it’s understandable to not expect someone else to know what you have and don’t have.

Needmorelego · 19/12/2023 14:45

@SwingTheMonkey we don't know if it was really that thoughtful though.
He could of bought it from a charity shop for 20p because he vaguely remembered his mum saying "blah blah something about a gig by this band in 1995 blah blah" (ie he wasn't really listening).

TokyoSushi · 19/12/2023 14:45

OP! It's a CD, just say thank you, you really appreciate it and move on. Keep it, don't keep it, but don't tell your DS you don't want it!

Needmorelego · 19/12/2023 14:51

Ok so the OP doesn't have to literally say "I don't want this" but could (politely) say "oh thank you darling - but I already own this one" and the sons response could be:
"Oh I wasn't sure but I kept the receipt so you can swap or return it"
or
"Oh I wasn't sure but it was only 20p in the charity shop - never mind"
This would be such a normal conversation in my family about a duplicate gift.
Seriously do people not have conversations like this with close family members?

pleasejustnawta · 19/12/2023 14:55

@betterangels @Sellingstress I had a mum like that. Moaned about everything and anything I bought her . Even stuff she had asked for . Was never good enough. But my brother and SIL would come up for their yearly visit with some cheesey cheap shite and she would be so delighted ! She's dead none and I miss her in some ways but not that! Love to you both this Christmas !

LogicVoid · 19/12/2023 14:57

You say thank you and treasure it for his thoughtfulness.

SwingTheMonkey · 19/12/2023 14:58

@Needmorelego
No, not when it really, really doesn’t matter. He hasn’t bought her a pair of expensive earrings she doesn’t like, or piece of furniture she doesn’t have room for. It’s a CD ffs. Pop it on the recycle pile and appreciate the wonderful thought.

NumberTheory · 19/12/2023 15:02

While I appreciate the gesture, I can't get enthusiastic about it - and I'm very bad at disguising my feelings too.

Have you considered taking some acting classes?

Because if you’re old enough to be someone’s mother and you haven’t mastered this fairly basic bit of social nicety you really could do with putting some effort in and getting it down. It can be fun and you’ll probably learn other techniques that will help with communication in a range of situations too.