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Original poster

Telling DS I don't want his gift

211 replies

QueenofClutter · 19/12/2023 12:59

I know he's trying to be thoughtful, and all things considered we're not talking much money, but he's just bought me something I really don't want. How can I let him down gently without seeming ungrateful?

Bit of a longwinded back story.

I'm decluttering prior to a house move. Sold most of my vinyl records, and I'm having a clear out of CDs. (Keeping plenty, I might add, just being ruthless with stuff I haven't played for years.) Some of the vinyl is 50 years old, and anything of sentimental value or that i particularly like has already been replaced by the CD version.

Not exactly sure how, but some particular titles got mentioned while we were talking music. He's now sent me a CD of something I've already got - and is also in the recycling pile.

I've no idea how he came to think this particular CD is something I wanted! ( ps it's not a Christmas gift)

While I appreciate the gesture, I can't get enthusiastic about it - and I'm very bad at disguising my feelings too. I don't want to encourage him to buy more cds for me either!

Help!

OP posts:
Fionaville · 19/12/2023 23:10

I'd keep it and thank him profusely for being such a thoughtful son! It's a CD, it's not taking up any space. If a friend bought you a toiletry set or candle you didn't like the smell of, I'm guessing you wouldn't say "I dont want that. I don't like it" You'd thank them and re gift or donate it. So don't reject your sons gift and hurt his feelings.

SpringIntoChaos · 19/12/2023 23:16

What is wrong with you OP?? Seriously...just thank him! Ffs! 🤦‍♀️

SwingTheMonkey · 19/12/2023 23:47

“Who on earth only accepts gifts if they’ve been specifically asked for?!”

“Me, because that's what everyone who knows me knows I want. Because I tell them”

Oh dear @Circularargument 🤦🏻‍♀️. Those are literally the quotes I responded ‘so nobody is allowed to buy you something unless it’s from a sanctioned list?’

When someone responds to the question ‘who only accepts gifts they’ve specifically asked for?’ with ‘me’, I’m not sure what else one could take away from that.

Your attempt to prove me a bit dim this evening has given me a bit of a giggle though, so thanks pet.

Circularargument · 20/12/2023 00:59

I'm sure it's very comforting for you to think so, @SwingTheMonkey . Feel free.

CherryShirt · 20/12/2023 01:19

Needmorelego · 19/12/2023 16:53

@TerribleWoman but was it actually a nice gesture or was it a half arsed bought cd from a charity shop because he vaguely remembered his mum talking about Fleetwood Mac 3 weeks ago.
If this is an adult son (the OP never came back so we don't know) surely he is aware she is downsizing and getting rid of a lot of her music collection.

This is bizarre. What adult keeps a record of when their mother throws out when she has a tidy-up? I can barely remember what I’ve thrown out myself, never mind what goes into my mother’s Oxfam box!

I’m not sure what you even mean by a “half-arsed buy from a charity shop”. So bloody what? He bought his mother a CD, he didn’t punch her in the face!

SwingTheMonkey · 20/12/2023 01:44

Circularargument · 20/12/2023 00:59

I'm sure it's very comforting for you to think so, @SwingTheMonkey . Feel free.

Comforting to think what?

You don’t make much sense and don’t seem to be able to follow what you and others have posted. Reading comprehension is your friend.

MollyPuddingBowl · 20/12/2023 01:48

I wouldn't say much tbh. The thought was more than some of us receive

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 20/12/2023 02:06

Are you my MIL? She threw all of our gifts back at us last year. She's getting cold hard cash this year. So I don't need to think about what she might want or like. I don't have to think about her at all. That's her doing.
I love buying gifts (especially little ones) that I think people will like, and that they HAVEN'T asked for. I find little pleasure in handing over a gift that we all know in advance what it is. I'm excited to see people's reactions to the ones they don't know they are getting (but still get things they have asked for). My dc will act enthusiastic about all their gifts, as I will about theirs to me, whatever they are, because we know they were bought with thought and feeling, and it seems harsh to say that that effort was in vain.

paisley256 · 20/12/2023 02:17

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 19/12/2023 14:07

Assuming he doesn't have a gifts-I've-given-my-mother inventory list that he checks through regularly, it would be okay to 'recycle' the CD. But, honestly, my main thought would be, 'I've got a lovely son in my life who wanted to do something nice for me'. Intentions are important.

This. It's a lovely gesture from your son, a child. Why potentially hurt his feelings when he's showing you kindness?

Ladyj84 · 20/12/2023 02:18

Ah wouldn't bother me because clearly thought went into this one as you like your music. Me I would just keep it for a few weeks then filter it thru to a charity shop at some point unless I did change mind to keep it

LaurieStrode · 20/12/2023 04:33

TerribleWoman · 19/12/2023 13:06

I wouldn't dream of doing anything other than telling him it was very thoughtful of him and the CD is music that you love. It's one CD, you are keeping other CDs. It will take up half a centimetre on a shelf.

I might add that I am trying to move to streaming to keep "stuff" to a minimum, so if he has any other similar lovely ideas in future, might he send a streaming link?

Spontaneous gifts just because are a lovely gesture. The least you can do is make a lovely gesture in return and keep the CD.

This. Ffs.

Needmorelego · 20/12/2023 06:46

@paisley256 the son is 50. He stopped being a child a long time ago.

Needmorelego · 20/12/2023 06:51

A lot of you on this thread seem to have missed that the OPs son is age 50. Her child but not "a child".
He probably older than a lot of your husbands.

littleblackcat27 · 20/12/2023 06:56

captaincalamari12 · 19/12/2023 13:11

Just say thank you, what is wrong with people.

This precisely

Talk about a non-problem !!

littleblackcat27 · 20/12/2023 06:57

Needmorelego · 20/12/2023 06:51

A lot of you on this thread seem to have missed that the OPs son is age 50. Her child but not "a child".
He probably older than a lot of your husbands.

So what?!

It is possible to be nice/polite to a 50 year old instead nit-picking about stupid shit.

RowanMayfair · 20/12/2023 06:59

QueenofClutter · 19/12/2023 17:22

I don't like that particular CD enough to want to keep it. I already have it in my "recycle to charity shop" pile.

I also had it on vinyl and sold it, which is probably where we got our wires crossed.

I think some of his purchases are alcohol-induced impulse buys. I am grateful he thinks of me but really wish he'd spend his money more carefully.

Show quote history

So thank him and put it in the recycling pile. How much do you think he 'wasted' on an old CD? A fiver? I'm sure a 50 year old man can afford to waste a few quid sending a message of love and thought to his mum. Accept the gift with the intention it was given and quietly get rid of it. Do NOT tell him you didn't want it. Sheesh.

RowanMayfair · 20/12/2023 07:00

Needmorelego · 20/12/2023 06:51

A lot of you on this thread seem to have missed that the OPs son is age 50. Her child but not "a child".
He probably older than a lot of your husbands.

So??
my husband is 51 and would be hurt if I told him not to buy me any of the somewhat pointless but lovingly chosen things he gifts me with occasionally. A small gift is a sign of love, especially when given spontaneously. Rejecting it is hurtful at any age.

Needmorelego · 20/12/2023 07:07

@RowanMayfair the OP herself said her son doesn't manage his money very well. If this was your husband wouldn't you be annoyed by him spending money on things you don't need or want.

RowanMayfair · 20/12/2023 07:23

Not if it was a fiver, no
If a 50 year old man is so broke than £5 is going to negatively impact him then OP is worrying about the wrong things.

Comedycook · 20/12/2023 07:33

After reading your updates, I think you do need to talk to him...but, don't mention the cd was the wrong choice...that's irrelevant. You need to talk to him about his money management and budgeting.

Is he ND?

Needmorelego · 20/12/2023 07:35

@RowanMayfair the OP said he buys other things too that she doesn't want/need. All that "it's just a fiver" could add up to a lot.
The poor woman is attempting to downsize and move house which includes selling a large music collection. This is a big thing in a person's life that her son must be aware she is doing. Why would he honestly think she wants to add to a collection that she is selling/giving away?

Kellogg1 · 20/12/2023 07:56

The amount of thought that’s gone into what to do next in the only unreasonable thing here.

“Thanks son, very kind of you”

It’s a CD, it’s hardly taking up a lot of space. Why risk potentially hurting his feelings for a CD. The expense will be minimal.

DinkyDonkey2018 · 20/12/2023 07:57

If it's a real bugbear of yours, accept it graciously and then pop everything he gets you in a box, and when it's full, take it to the charity shop/regift to others.

He may be crap with money, and you'd rather he not spend on you, but at 50, he probably won't change wanting to treat his mum to the occasional gift. It's not a hill I'd die on.

BarbaraofSeville · 20/12/2023 08:56

Kellogg1 · 20/12/2023 07:56

The amount of thought that’s gone into what to do next in the only unreasonable thing here.

“Thanks son, very kind of you”

It’s a CD, it’s hardly taking up a lot of space. Why risk potentially hurting his feelings for a CD. The expense will be minimal.

Which is how people end up with houses full of crap they don't want, because no-one is honest about gifts they're given that are, in this case, bought by people who know the recipient already has too many of the item in question and is actively trying to get rid of them.

A CD is a daft gift for a CD collector unless you know what they already have and what they still want to acquire. Which he has clearly not bothered to think about.

Why don't the OPs feelings matter? Everyone claims it's the thought that counts but it's not a nice thought at all. Because it's putting back the OPs decluttering efforts. But she's not allowed to say anything, to spare his feelings, but somehow her's don't matter at all.

OP, if I were you, I'd box up a load of the stuff you don't want and take it all round to his place. Tell him he'll have to deal with it when you're dead or go into a home, so he might as well start now.

Oh, and buy him a copy of the Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning for Christmas.

LittleMonks11 · 20/12/2023 08:58

Just say thank you - so thoughtful. End of.