Telling DS I don't want his gift

[QueenofClutter]

I know he's trying to be thoughtful, and all things considered we're not talking much money, but he's just bought me something I really don't want. How can I let him down gently without seeming ungrateful?

Bit of a longwinded back story.

I'm decluttering prior to a house move. Sold most of my vinyl records, and I'm having a clear out of CDs. (Keeping plenty, I might add, just being ruthless with stuff I haven't played for years.) Some of the vinyl is 50 years old, and anything of sentimental value or that i particularly like has already been replaced by the CD version.

Not exactly sure how, but some particular titles got mentioned while we were talking music. He's now sent me a CD of something I've already got - and is also in the recycling pile.

I've no idea how he came to think this particular CD is something I wanted! ( ps it's not a Christmas gift)

While I appreciate the gesture, I can't get enthusiastic about it - and I'm very bad at disguising my feelings too. I don't want to encourage him to buy more cds for me either!

Help!

Refusing a gift, particularly a small one which had some thought put into it, is the fastest way to push someone aside.
So, if you want to make your son feel unwanted, you can reject a CD, that you actually like.........

A CD is only small why can't you just keep it with the other CDs you have as surely now it has sentimental value as your DS bought it for you as a thoughtful gesture.
Thank him tell him it was thoughtful and you will keep it with your collection if special CDs but also let him know you are not buying collecting any more music

Honestly, it's a CD just accept with grace and stick the old one on ebay. You can mention that you're being totally ruthless with your downsizing at a later date so he doesn't get into a habit but this really isn't worth a fuss.

I don't like that particular CD enough to want to keep it. I already have it in my "recycle to charity shop" pile.

I also had it on vinyl and sold it, which is probably where we got our wires crossed.

I think some of his purchases are alcohol-induced impulse buys. I am grateful he thinks of me but really wish he'd spend his money more carefully.

@SwingTheMonkey yes wish lists or simply a conversation called "what would you like for your birthday mum?" is a perfectly normal thing to do in many families.

It's at least possible that he's gone out of his way to get you something he thought you would really like. Just accept it and be grateful.

These aren’t birthday gifts though. They’re things op’s son is seeing and buying because he thinks his mum will like them.

Who on earth only accepts gifts if they’ve been specifically asked for?!

@SwingTheMonkey that's why I suggested the OP talks to him and makes it clear he only needs to get gifts at Christmas and birthdays.
He doesn't need to gift her at other times.
Mumsnet gets very parallel universe sometimes with complaining posts all the time about Mother in Law's etc constantly bringing toys/clothes/random things they have picked up at a charity shop or in the sales. Everyone is always "tell her to stop" or "just hand them straight back".....yet here with this post it's "oh you can't possibly not accept it - it's soooo rude".....
I really don't get it 🤔🙄

To be fair most people were probably thinking it was a Christmas/ Birthday present from a young teen.

Totally different to a 40 something buying because they can.

This - he listened and bought something he thought you’d like. Just say thank you, recycle the older one, and keep his instead. No way would I be telling mine if he did this.

I wouldn’t tell someone to hand back
any gift they’d been given, regardless of who had given it. Don’t like it? Return it or give it to the charity shop.

This situation is different to your MIL comparison because the gifts are ‘small and useful’ as OP said herself. What’s the problem then? If someone bought me small and useful gifts from time to time I’d be delighted. If I was bought something I really didn’t need or want, I’d quietly get rid of it. Absolutely no need to upset anyone.

Many years ago my dad had been out somewhere for the day and brought me back a dvd because he saw it and knew I liked the film. For some reason instead of just saying thank you, I told him that I already had it. He said it didn't matter and didn't seem too bothered but I was absolutely devastated afterwards and still think about it all these years later. He looked crestfallen for a split second.

i can still see that moment in my mind even now. My dad wasn't one for giving gifts and he'd obviously seen it and thought of me.

He died a long time ago now but it's still a massive regret I would go back and change if I could. Ridiculous as I know it is, I'm still cross at myself!!

Just say thanks, you can chuck it if you want to he will never know.

Off to go and cry now at my own ungrateful self! 😅

Why can no-one just be grateful for the thought someone has shown these days? Especially a child. Be grateful & don't hurt his feelings. Bloody horrible of you to even think of doing otherwise.

@HulaChick the OP says he is 50. Hardly "a child" !

You don't. You learn to be gracious and have some perspective.

You had a chat about music and obviously mentioned you liked this artist so he bought a CD by that artist not realising you already had it. Give the other one to charity with your pile and keep this for a short while longer before doing likewise.

He saw something he thought you would like and did something kind. Just be kind back. It's not that you don't even like that music just you were getting rid of CDs. Actually if my son gave me a CD by an artist I liked that CD would have more meaning that it ever had before by virtue of the fact it now had a sentimental attachment to my son too.

I think this post is alchol induced!

Use. Your. Words.

This. Bloody hell op

Me, because that's what everyone who knows me knows I want. Because I tell them

Tell him thank you and tell him as your getting older time together is more important so for your next present youd love him to come over for an evening for a film and if he wants he can buy you a box of chocs to share.

Nonsense. Some people are so bloody thin skinned. DS2 ( an adult) told me he already had a book I had bought him, so I said Oops and arranged to get an alternative. I didn't think for one second to get all silly about it.

Op you have possibly lost sight of something along the way of your decluttering journey: from someone whose dm decluttered away most of our toys, comic books, projects, certificates and cards and once asked did we want to take any of the cards We’d made her over the years as she’d kept two and she didn’t want to be stuck with a pile in her drawers that we’d have to clean out when she died (she’s still very much alive btw, and I love her to the ends of the earth, but I really want to have more stuff then the box of concert tickets, projects and few cds I kept in my own box!!)

So, nobody is allowed to buy you something unless it’s from a sanctioned list?

Bizarre.

What's truly bizarre is that that is your take away from what I actually wrote. People ask me, they talk to me and I to them. Shocking and radical. I know. Impossible to comprehend, for you clearly 😒