Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH told MIL about my abortion

279 replies

NameeeeeeeChangeeeeed · 19/12/2023 12:50

I have been very depressed. He says he was worried about me and needed advice. So he told MIL everything without my permission.

We have a 3yr old child and the abortion was over the summer. MIL lives the other end of the country so she couldn't offer practical help. It was just emotional support for him.

I had specifically told him not share this with her. He claims not to remember that conversation. If he told a male friend for support then fine. But not MIL.

I feel shattered. I don't see how I can ever trust him with anything private or confidential again. He had no right to share my private medical information with his Mother.

Right now I feel like the relationship is over. We've been together a decade though, have a house and a child. But how can I stay living with a man where I have to hide secrets from him because he can't be trusted? She is the last person in the world I would confide in and he knows that. Now all their family will know.

OP posts:
BranchGold · 19/12/2023 12:53

I think this is a tricky situation, and I’m sorry you’ve been having such a hard time this year.

How did it come about that you found out about him disclosing this information to his mother? Did he tell you?

widowtwankywashroom · 19/12/2023 12:55

So what are your options?
Do you want to break your family up?
End your marriage ?
If she lives so far away, what difference does it make?
I mean this kindly, yes he's betrayed you, but he might have been seeking support for you both.

Original poster
NameeeeeeeChangeeeeed · 19/12/2023 12:56

BranchGold · 19/12/2023 12:53

I think this is a tricky situation, and I’m sorry you’ve been having such a hard time this year.

How did it come about that you found out about him disclosing this information to his mother? Did he tell you?

I heard them discussing it on a later phone call. When I asked him about the call he confirmed he'd told her previously. He tried to justify it that he was worried about me and wanted her advice. That might be true, but there's no particular reason she would be able to give any advice.

He says he told her not to share it further but if I can't trust him not share then I don't expect for five minutes she will have kept this private.

OP posts:
TinselTitts · 19/12/2023 12:58

but if I can't trust him not share then I don't expect for five minutes she will have kept this private.

I don't follow this logic? They're two different people.

NightisdarkandfullofterrorsGOT · 19/12/2023 12:59

Is this not his experience too? Not just yours? I’m sorry you had to go through this but he went through it too and needed somebody to talk to.

Combusting · 19/12/2023 12:59

I am very torn on this.

If my partner told me I must absolutely not tell my own mum or dad about a very significant even in my life - and an abortion is significant in an otherwise happily married partnership - even if it is the woman going through it, then I would not be best pleased.

He cant speak to his own mum about the decision to let a pregnancy go/miscarriage etc?

Original poster
NameeeeeeeChangeeeeed · 19/12/2023 12:59

widowtwankywashroom · 19/12/2023 12:55

So what are your options?
Do you want to break your family up?
End your marriage ?
If she lives so far away, what difference does it make?
I mean this kindly, yes he's betrayed you, but he might have been seeking support for you both.

Right now, I feel ok about taking my daughter and getting the hell out.

She lives far away but I'm a private person and have told very few people. She is the last person I would choose to let know private details about myself. I feel deeply, deeply ashamed and violated that he has shared this.

There is zero support she could give me.

OP posts:
kimchio · 19/12/2023 13:00

I'd be livid. I get he might need support but if he led you to believe he wouldn't tell her he should have stuck to that.

Combusting · 19/12/2023 13:00

Again, if DH was depressed and I was supporting him, and he told me - Combusting, under no circs can you confide about any of this to your mum and dad - I am sorry but what?

Original poster
NameeeeeeeChangeeeeed · 19/12/2023 13:01

NightisdarkandfullofterrorsGOT · 19/12/2023 12:59

Is this not his experience too? Not just yours? I’m sorry you had to go through this but he went through it too and needed somebody to talk to.

He has always been absolutely fine with it. He was keen for the abortion and has no regrets and suffered no after effects. It's also not his body.

OP posts:
jackstini · 19/12/2023 13:02

He shouldn't have done it as you specifically told him not to, no

Depends on the reason though:
He just forgot - not good enough
He has no one else at all to speak about it to and needed to talk - maybe acceptable
He was so worried about your depression that he panicked - maybe acceptable

Understand you must be upset and frustrated and feel he's made an already crappy situation even worse.
Depends where you want to go from here. Has she mentioned anything to you? Has DH said anything?

Ponoka7 · 19/12/2023 13:04

NameeeeeeeChangeeeeed · 19/12/2023 12:59

Right now, I feel ok about taking my daughter and getting the hell out.

She lives far away but I'm a private person and have told very few people. She is the last person I would choose to let know private details about myself. I feel deeply, deeply ashamed and violated that he has shared this.

There is zero support she could give me.

Show quote history

Is she just yours or your DH's as well? He wanted to talk to his Mum, he had the right to do that. Unless there's a background of her being abusive etc to him, then you can't dictate who he gets support from. My DH mourned my miscarriages as much as me. I would have rather his family not know, but it was his right to tell them. It isn't easy to live with someone very depressed either.

NoTouch · 19/12/2023 13:05

In an otherwise healthy relationship it is not something personally I would be upset with, and I HATED my MIL (for very good reasons), but she was still dh's mum.

I would understand a termination of a pg impacts us both, or I would understand he wanted support for himself or advice on how to support me and whatever he did came from a good place. It is not up to me to choose for him where he he would get that advice and support from.

I understand everyone is different, but if your relationship is otherwise good I'd let it go. If you have other issues, then deal with them as a whole, don't focus on one small issue.

capgemleopis · 19/12/2023 13:06

I think you are being totally unreasonable. Having a termination is a huge thing and to expect him not to talk to his mum for support or advice is ridiculous.

Original poster
NameeeeeeeChangeeeeed · 19/12/2023 13:09

capgemleopis · 19/12/2023 13:06

I think you are being totally unreasonable. Having a termination is a huge thing and to expect him not to talk to his mum for support or advice is ridiculous.

The termination was a non-event for him. It's my depression he is bothered by.

OP posts:
Nospecialcharactersplease · 19/12/2023 13:11

I’m with you on this OP, it’s a complete violation of your trust. If he really needed to confide in someone he should have agreed it with you first. Once he’d told her, he also should have let you know rather than leaving you to find out. Imagine that she knew such a private thing about you and you had no idea!

My husband has OCD. Sometimes he can be really struggling, and it hugely impacts on me, but he asked me not to tell my family and in a decade I never have. Similarly, he often wants to tell his parents things that I consider private (he wants their reassurance), but if I tell him no then he doesn’t.

PhulNana · 19/12/2023 13:11

NameeeeeeeChangeeeeed · 19/12/2023 12:56

I heard them discussing it on a later phone call. When I asked him about the call he confirmed he'd told her previously. He tried to justify it that he was worried about me and wanted her advice. That might be true, but there's no particular reason she would be able to give any advice.

He says he told her not to share it further but if I can't trust him not share then I don't expect for five minutes she will have kept this private.

Show quote history

@NameeeeeeeChangeeeeed

He tried to justify it that he was worried about me and wanted her advice.

If he needs his mother's advice on how to be a decent partner or husband, then, honestly, love, RUN A MILE. Had you not noticed any signs of him being pathetic?

Anonymouseposter · 19/12/2023 13:11

I would be furious. I often feel people say LTB too easily on here and I’m a bit surprised that a majority think it’s not that huge a problem. Personally I would find it difficult to forgive him. I could forgive some things that are often considered unforgivable on here but this betrayal of confidence would be too much for me.

Iwant2beJessicaFletcher · 19/12/2023 13:12

I completely agree with you and would struggle to come back from this huge betrayal. I wouldnt be able to trust him anymore and once the trust has gone that you cant get it back. If this was me, I would seriously be considering my future options without him in it.

Tempnamechng · 19/12/2023 13:13

He shouldn't have told her, but this isn't a ltb. (Assuming he was your baby's father, and not knowing how far along in the pregnancy you were.) This is controversial, but whilst an abortion is absolutely the woman's choice and the man's place to support, we can't ask a man not to have his own emotions. He is going to feel his own conflicted emotions whilst trying to support you and has obviously turned to his dm for support. I would hate to think my own dc was told not to tell me about something that directly affected them and that they were struggling to cope with.
Edit - I cross posted with you saying your depression was the biggest concern for him, rather than the actual abortion, which if it was a non event then I wonder why he would tell his dm, unless he let you think it was a non event. Supporting someone who is mentally unwell is one of the most terrifying things you can go though, so I hope for your sake and for your family you are getting help.

MintJulia · 19/12/2023 13:14

I'd feel like you OP. He's betrayed your trust, shared personal medical information you had specifically asked him not to, put his own comfort before yours when you are very low, and made you vulnerable to the gossip and potential nastiness of another person.

How can you ever trust him again? Ever tell him anything again? I would find it very hard to get past that.

I'm so sorry. You deserve better. 🙁

35965a · 19/12/2023 13:14

Iwant2beJessicaFletcher · 19/12/2023 13:12

I completely agree with you and would struggle to come back from this huge betrayal. I wouldnt be able to trust him anymore and once the trust has gone that you cant get it back. If this was me, I would seriously be considering my future options without him in it.

I agree with this ^

If he needed support for himself he could see a therapist, but it doesn’t even seem that this is the case. He was more worried about your depression which has absolutely nothing to do with his mother. I’d never be able to forgive him.

takealettermsjones · 19/12/2023 13:15

I'm so sorry you're having a tough time.

Is it possible his mum has been through baby loss and he was wondering if she had any insight into how to help you?

Not saying that makes it okay, necessarily, just that it might make more sense.

PricklePop · 19/12/2023 13:15

NightisdarkandfullofterrorsGOT · 19/12/2023 12:59

Is this not his experience too? Not just yours? I’m sorry you had to go through this but he went through it too and needed somebody to talk to.

He can talk to his friends, op is fine with that

bloodyeffinnora · 19/12/2023 13:16

I'm with you OP, no way should he have spoken about such a private thing to his mother, especially when you had asked him not to and he was all for the abortion.
the fact he also forgot that you had asked him specifically not to, or is that just his selective memory? I wouldn't trust him again. Your feelings in this case should come before his and his mothers.