DH told MIL about my abortion

[NameeeeeeeChangeeeeed]

I have been very depressed. He says he was worried about me and needed advice. So he told MIL everything without my permission.

We have a 3yr old child and the abortion was over the summer. MIL lives the other end of the country so she couldn't offer practical help. It was just emotional support for him.

I had specifically told him not share this with her. He claims not to remember that conversation. If he told a male friend for support then fine. But not MIL.

I feel shattered. I don't see how I can ever trust him with anything private or confidential again. He had no right to share my private medical information with his Mother.

Right now I feel like the relationship is over. We've been together a decade though, have a house and a child. But how can I stay living with a man where I have to hide secrets from him because he can't be trusted? She is the last person in the world I would confide in and he knows that. Now all their family will know.

They are related words by meaning, if not etymology. The point stands.

It clearly wasn't a non event if he felt he needed to talk about it.

This thread is such an illustration of the ingrained misogyny we live with. It’s OP’s body, her medical procedure, her confidential medical information and her depression and yet posters are falling over themselves to centre the man and the man’s feelings in all of this. It’s wild!

There is a massive irony, that his justification for telling the MIL was that he wanted to help his wife with her depression (possibly caused by or related to the termination that he wanted her to have) but he has done the one (most unhelpful) thing she specifically asked him not to do. No one is saying he shouldn’t talk about it, but not to his mother. It’s not hard to understand. I cannot believe that there is no one else in his life that he could speak to about this.

Also the idea that an abortion affects men and women equally is utter bullshit. It doesn’t. That isn’t to say it doesn’t affect them but it never affects them to the same extent.

YANBU at all OP. This is a massive betrayal and I would struggle to get past it too. It’s no different to an emotional affair in my eyes - it breaks down the trust and confidence that is the oxygen of the relationship. Without that, what is the point? At the very least, you will never tell him anything private or personal again and that just doesn’t make for a functional relationship. I would ask him to leave after Christmas for a few weeks to give yourself time to process everything. It doesn’t sound as though the termination was what you wanted and if he pushed you into it, that is another, serious betrayal.

Bloody hell, learn to read! It was the OP’s depression that he was struggling with, NOT the termination which he was absolutely fine with. Also how absolutely contemptible for a man to push his partner to have a termination and then be “bothered by it”! Maybe he should have thought about that before hand????!

He could’ve easily done that without disclosing OP’s medical procedure.

Not if he thinks the termination and the depression are linked.

God I hope none of my adult sons are ever banned from speaking to me for advice about things in their lives that they're struggling with.

No one bats an eye when a woman 'tells her mum everything' but a man is a different story for many it seems.

I think YABU op. I understand that you don't like her but he loves her, she's his mum.

All other points aside, I’m not sure it is to do with disliking the MIL.

She is the last person in the world I would confide in and he knows that. Now all their family will know.

It is because the MIL will not keep it between her and her son but will tell everyone. And OP may know that full well.

Maybe that is why she asked her other half to not confide in his mother about the termination.

There is a huge difference in seeking support from someone who will be discreet and one who will tell more people. Who will probably tell more people, etc.

However the other half may be struggling, his medical procedure is not being shared.

Of course they're linked! She's depressed because she had an abortion for him. That still doesn't give him the right to disclose her medical details to someone she asked not to.

This is about a woman's most private medical information. What is it that you do not understand about her specifically asking him not to disclose this to one person? What is it you don't understand about womens autonomy and right to personal privacy? Also if you actually read OP's posts, you'd see there is a very specific reason she asked him not to tell his mother; she said the entire family will know, now. His mother obviously cannot be trusted and OP SPECIFICALLY named her as the one person not to know, for this reason.

@SoreAndTired1 I don’t think the OP has expressly said that she had an abortion for him. If he had I think she has more problems than him telling his mum

The argument I was responding to was that it was ok for DH to talk to his mother about his wife's depression but there was no need to talk about the termination. Like you I think they are linked and that therefore there was a need.

That apart, I think it is potentially really complicated.

If it is wrong to disclose the medical details re an abortion would it be wrong to disclose medical details re the depression?

If the depression had not been medically diagnosed would it be fine to discuss the depression? But would that have to stop the moment the depression was medically diagnosed?

I'm not suggesting that married couples should not share private matters nor keep confidences, but equally I am not sure that I support your/the position that because it started as her private medical information it can never be talked about by the husband.

The OP did not have to disclose her pregnancy or her termination to her DH. She chose to tell him. Once she did, she made her private information public. It is no longer private medical information.

Having made her choice she wants to limit her husband's choices. Is that acceptable or is it controlling? It might be both. It is obviously controlling, but it might also illustrate that there are circumstances in which a good spouse allows him/herself to be controlled.

Often we need to unburden ourselves and share our problems with another. Once our problems and burdens have become their problems and burdens, why do they then not have the same right to unburden and share their problem?

I accept that the OP instructed her DH not to talk about the termination. But does she have any right to do that? And if she does is it an absolute right? What if DH thought OP was a suicide risk because of depression stemming from a termination. Would that allow him to discuss the termination with someone he trusted?

I apologise OP for turning your pain into a series of possibly irrelevant questions, but in all honesty I find this general situation very difficult.

I don't know if your DH is being a good person or not. He might be at the end of his tether, genuinely worried about you, your health and your/his marriage. In that situation if I was him, I would probably include the termination in the discussion with my mother. But even then, context is important. If my mother was vehemently anti-abortion or anti-you, I would find a more suitable 'confidant'.
But if I knew my mother loved you, wanted what was best for you and wouldn't judge you for having a termination then I might well discuss everything if in doing so I could help save our marriage.

Why do you need to know intimate details of another woman's body? Of your son's relationship?

Don't you think it's healthier that he seeks advice and support from more appropriate people, depending on the circumstances?

If your son is depressed because he can't maintain an erection, he would talk to someone else. Same applies to any other sensitive or private topic.

Your sim doesn't need to approach you for every single thing in life and that is ok. There's nothing sad about it. It's good and healthy for your adult son to have other people to confide in.

Hardly the same is it.

The OP did not have to disclose her pregnancy or her termination to her DH. She chose to tell him. Once she did, she made her private information public. It is no longer private medical information.

Is this meant to be a joke?

Because from what OP has said, MIL would tell others who don’t need to know in the first place.

Are you that type of person who would share such private details with others that have nothing to do with you?

My dad is like this where if you tell him something even if you tell him not to he will yet gets annoyed when my sister and I tell our mum but not him. It has been pointed out why and instead of saying sorry or simply not doing it, he makes excuses as to why it is ok.

I also wouldn’t share such news with DH if he went and shared private medical info with someone else either, regardless if they’re family or not. I also know several of his family members are like my dad after learning things about other family members that I doubt they would have wanted me to know.

If you can’t keep private information to yourself, especially when told to, you won’t be trusted.

Give over. Of course he can, he can absolutely reference depression without having to explain to root cause of it. If he can’t manage that then there’s something wrong cognitively. More likely though, he just has no respect for his poor wife whom he agreed to keep quiet with.

You have told people. If it would have been his baby too does he not have a right to share this information with a few trusted people also? unless she is abusive then I share your opinion.

@Achildbelongstoitsmother

Good grief. Guessing you're the mother of a son and don't like your daughter in law, eh?

Also guessing you've never been depressed after a termination, and would have no idea of the feelings surrounding that. I can't believe you'd think that it's in any way acceptable for anyone husband to share information like that about them, the absolute betrayal of it.

"Bigoted emotion replaces reason" be careful what you accuse others of, because you're in a glass house there.

The irony of accusing someone who disagrees with you on such a benign topic as spewing 'hatred, bigotry and ignorance' is off the charts.

At times Mumsnet can be extreme in taking the side of women. But I'm this case, you have no right to know intimate details of another woman's body.

You should encourage your adult son to seek appropriate support from other people (friends, siblings, MH professionals...) and respect his wife who had a very simple ask from him.

Not complain because he doesn't share every sordid detail with you. So unhealthy and the 'it's abuse of a man' is just an excuse to be nosy. Nightmare mil does not even begin to cover it.

Lol fancy someone with the name "Achildbelongstoitsmother" talking about anti-men and being emotional and bigoted... Irony alert.

@SoreAndTired1 You seriously need to stop aggressively pushing your invented narrative that OP’s husband coerced her abortion. You have the information that he was in favour of termination – that is all you have. Someone can be in favour of a termination without coercing it. You have zero information as to why the OP chose the termination (that she is depressed after the procedure is not evidence that she was coerced) and you have zero information on what circumstances led for it to be necessary.

Stop making up stories. Full stop. For all your bleating on about sharing medicinal information in a work practice being illegal, you certainly don’t seem able to grasp the concept of basic evidentiary support for your arguments, do you?

I suggest you read all of the OP's posts, because it is quite obvious what has happened.

Yes, I did, thanks. Because I’m not ridiculous enough to make a claim without looking at the evidence.

He has always been absolutely fine with it. He was keen for the abortion and has no regrets and suffered no after effects.
**
The termination was a non-event for him.

These are the two things OP has said regarding her husband’s feelings toward her termination. Can you specifically point out the evidence of coercion?