Page 5 | DH told MIL about my abortion

NameeeeeeeChangeeeeed · 2023-12-19T12:50:46+00:00

I have been very depressed. He says he was worried about me and needed advice. So he told MIL everything without my permission. We have a 3yr old child and the abortion was over the summer. MIL lives the other end of the country so she couldn't offer practical help. It was just emotional support for him. I had specifically told him not share this with her. He claims not to remember that conversation. If he told a male friend for support then fine. But not MIL. I feel shattered. I don't see how I can ever trust him with anything private or confidential again. He had no right to share my private medical information with his Mother. Right now I feel like the relationship is over. We've been together a decade though, have a house and a child. But how can I stay living with a man where I have to hide secrets from him because he can't be trusted? She is the last person in the world I would confide in and he knows that. Now all their family will know.

pinkyredrose · 19/12/2023 14:04

missmollygreen · 19/12/2023 13:53

Fucking hell, this is harsh.

The poor buy as going through the same thing the OP is, but he also has a wife who has had an awful trauma to deal with. Some women as so cruel and selfish

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poor boy? 🙄

PrincessScarlett · 19/12/2023 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

OPs DH wanted her to abort their child and isn't the slightest bit bothered by the termination. What bothers him is that OP is suffering the after effects. Presumably he thought she should just get on with life like he has and not given it a second thought 🙄

HarpieDuJour · 19/12/2023 14:05

OP, how supportive has he been, and how encouraging of you getting proper medical help? It seems to me that if your depression has been a huge problem for him and he is not coping, then he would be better speaking to someone involved in your care. Telling his mother about (presumably) the source of the depression sounds like either bitching or gossip, and doesn't sit well with me. The only parallel I can think of in my own life is my husband's erectile dysfunction. It was made him very moody and aggressive and I have found the whole thing extremely difficult to cope with, on a number of levels. I still wouldn't tell my mother all about it (not least because it would be on fucking facebook before I'd finished telling her!). Some things are private within a marriage, and unless you agreed that he could, he had no right to discuss this with his mother.

Can you tell us a bit more about the abortion? Did you want the baby? Did he pressure you, and was he understanding of your emotions afterwards? Or did you expect to be fine, only to be blindsided by emotions you were unprepared for? I would be furious about such sensitive information being shared, but there seems to be something else going on here, either in your marriage or your/his relationship with your MIL.

I'm so sorry you are suffering and that he has done the one thing you asked him not to. This is a huge thing for your marriage, do you think he would be open to marriage counselling, in the hope that you could work through this together?

Cas112 · 19/12/2023 14:05

NameeeeeeeChangeeeeed · 19/12/2023 12:59

Right now, I feel ok about taking my daughter and getting the hell out.

She lives far away but I'm a private person and have told very few people. She is the last person I would choose to let know private details about myself. I feel deeply, deeply ashamed and violated that he has shared this.

There is zero support she could give me.

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What about his needs OP? is the abortion not a big life event for him too?

Is he not allowed emotional support from his own mother

Nanny0gg · 19/12/2023 14:06

NameeeeeeeChangeeeeed · 19/12/2023 13:01

He has always been absolutely fine with it. He was keen for the abortion and has no regrets and suffered no after effects. It's also not his body.

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Was the abortion a mutual decision? Or did you feel you had no choice/were pressured into it?

Nanny0gg · 19/12/2023 14:07

Cas112 · 19/12/2023 14:05

What about his needs OP? is the abortion not a big life event for him too?

Is he not allowed emotional support from his own mother

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Read the OP's posts

It was not that big a deal for him

Waspie · 19/12/2023 14:07

I would be devasted if my DH/DP shared my medical history with anyone - friend or family. It would certainly destroy any trust I had in him.

Plofder · 19/12/2023 14:07

YABU he's entitled to seek support for his worries from those close to him for difficult personal events.

BoredofBlonde · 19/12/2023 14:08

Mirabai · 19/12/2023 13:49

I think it’s more appropriate he told his mother than a friend…

I agree. I’d rather it was shared with a female relative than a random gruff mate.

100% disagree

The friend will have no emotions involved. The H's mother does. What she will have heard from her son is that the OP aborted her grandchild and all the emotions that hearing that brings.

Actually, I feel a bit for the GM. She now has to deal with knowing about a potential GC that she will now never see.

Your H is self-absorbed and very cruel to both you and his mum

Nanny0gg · 19/12/2023 14:09

Plofder · 19/12/2023 14:07

YABU he's entitled to seek support for his worries from those close to him for difficult personal events.

He is not entitled to when the OP specifically asked him not to tell her about the abortion

Tweedledumdedum · 19/12/2023 14:09

I've been in a relationship where my partner didn't want me to mention big things about our relationship to my parents. It was very controlling. If I was him I'd be the one who was mad about how you're trying to dictate what he can and can't talk to his parents about when it's something that directly affects him.

boscabosco · 19/12/2023 14:10

SoreAndTired1 · 19/12/2023 13:27

Yes, this is such a serious thing, he was so worried about her, that he 'forgot' she asked him not to tell one specific person. Bullshit. He sounds like a heartless, selfish, incompassionate pig OP, with not respect for your personal feelings and human rights to privacy.

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Think you are projecting a lot. Ease upon the caps lock key. He can talk to his mother if he needs to, in fact, everyone has that right.

caringcarer · 19/12/2023 14:11

I just couldn't get past this. It's such a huge betrayal of trust about a medical procedure you had on your body. I wouldn't stay married to a person I could no longer trust. I certainly couldn't have sex with him again. I wouldn't be comfortable sharing my life with him. I'd look to divorce over this.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/12/2023 14:11

Nospecialcharactersplease · 19/12/2023 13:48

I’m really surprised and a bit disconcerted by the number of posters who think people should be able to tell their mums anything at all about their marriages. I just couldn’t confide in my husband the way I need to if I thought his mum had a ringside seat, and I actually really like my MIL.

In the words of Princess Di, if there’s three people in a marriage then it is a bit crowded and doomed to fail.

When I got married, we had to do compulsory marriage preparation classes beforehand (church wedding). Even the Church of England has a section on how when you’re marrying someone you’re leaving your old family and starting a new one, and you have to protect the privacy of that and not run off to moan to your mum and dad.

And I do wonder how many of the posters supporting the DH are boy mums themselves…

I think it’s tricky with that C of E advice because it’s important to keep lines of comms open in case of abuse.

But I agree for something like this, absolutely no way should he be sharing (as above).

I am a “boy Mum” and I think he is as U

SoreAndTired1 · 19/12/2023 14:12

boscabosco · 19/12/2023 14:10

Think you are projecting a lot. Ease upon the caps lock key. He can talk to his mother if he needs to, in fact, everyone has that right.

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No he does not have the right to tell another person's private medical information. It's illegal in fact in any work/medical setting. Only the OP has the right to decide who gets to know. He had absolutely no right talking about a woman's private medical business.

Goldcrestonabranch · 19/12/2023 14:12

I do understand. He had no right to share this with MIL. I would feel very betrayed!

How is the relationship otherwise? If you are happy and not much amiss I don't think this is something to leave him for but I guess there is a backstory?!?

Sallyh87 · 19/12/2023 14:13

I would be absolutely livid if my husband ever shared my medical information or something so painful with his mother or anyone.

However, take some time to reflect. He was feeling upset too and shared and maybe he is generally good. Have a conversation and set future boundaries.

Though I do get the want to leave now! I would be furious.

Mrsttcno1 · 19/12/2023 14:13

Nanny0gg · 19/12/2023 14:07

Read the OP's posts

It was not that big a deal for him

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Respectfully, there’s just absolutely no way you can know this.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I went through something somewhat similar with my DH. If you’d asked him while he was in the throws of his depression about how the whole situation was affecting me, he would have said it wasn’t affecting me at all, he would have said it was no big deal to me. And he would have been absolutely wrong. Depression is a horrific thing and it does very often make us completely blind to the affects it has on those around us, especially those that love us the most and are closest to us, and supporting a loved one with depression does require you to have a robust support network of your own.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/12/2023 14:14

Mrsttcno1 · 19/12/2023 14:01

The issue I see with this though is that EVERYBODY needs support, and especially so if they are supporting someone through something themselves. You simply cannot pour from an empty cup.

My DH had some medical issues which culminated in him being severely depressed. I love the bones of him and did everything I possibly could to support him through it, but it is incredibly difficult and often comes at a great personal cost to support a loved one through depression. Obviously a cost anybody would pay 10000 times over to have their loved one with them, but it is difficult nonetheless. I confided in my mum then and although she did not provide any direct support to my DH, the support she provided to me meant that I was able to better support my DH. She took care of me so I could take care of him. It was only when he was (thankfully) out the other side of the depression that he was able to realise and appreciate the situation we had both lived through and has always since been extremely grateful to my mum for the support she provided to me. Without it, we simply wouldn’t have made it out the other side still together, and I feared he may not have made it out at all.

When I’d asked him in the thick of if about confiding with a friend or professional, he’d be adamant that was not necessary, he was fine, everything was okay.

The bottom line is, nobody is just “the support”. EVERY single person needs support from someone, everyone.

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OK but I did cover this by saying he could ask permission to share or he could get professional counselling.

Like counsellors do - they get professional counselling themselves.

They don’t speak to someone also known to their client.

Mrsttcno1 · 19/12/2023 14:14

SoreAndTired1 · 19/12/2023 14:12

No he does not have the right to tell another person's private medical information. It's illegal in fact in any work/medical setting. Only the OP has the right to decide who gets to know. He had absolutely no right talking about a woman's private medical business.

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I mean, this is a bit of a precarious argument isn’t it. There’s lots and lots of things that are “illegal in a work setting” which are obviously not illegal within a marriage or relationship.

SoreAndTired1 · 19/12/2023 14:15

Mrsttcno1 · 19/12/2023 14:13

Respectfully, there’s just absolutely no way you can know this.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I went through something somewhat similar with my DH. If you’d asked him while he was in the throws of his depression about how the whole situation was affecting me, he would have said it wasn’t affecting me at all, he would have said it was no big deal to me. And he would have been absolutely wrong. Depression is a horrific thing and it does very often make us completely blind to the affects it has on those around us, especially those that love us the most and are closest to us, and supporting a loved one with depression does require you to have a robust support network of your own.

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OP herself said he wanted the abortion and was uneffected by it. Read all her posts, not just the first one. He is just annoyed now that his coercing her to have an abortion has effected her and given her depression. Even then he's made it about himself.

Tandora · 19/12/2023 14:17

Argh Op, this is such a tricky one. I see both sides. On the one hand having an abortion is such a sensitive and personal thing and you have your need for privacy.

On the other hand you are asking for your partner not to seek support from his own mother. Living with someone who is depressed is incredibly difficult and challenging. He needs support too, and even if you don’t think MIL can help, she’s his mother and he feels he needs her.

on the balance I don’t think he should have told her, he should have respected your need for privacy on something so personal. However, I don’t think this is a relationship ending offence. It’s not black and white. I think the two of you need to sit down and have a proper talk.
xx

PieAndLattes · 19/12/2023 14:17

ShittingPeugeot · 19/12/2023 13:20

Do you have a son OP? If so, imagine your son going through something traumatic and not being able to go to you for support.

I'm not saying what he's done is write, but you yourself have admitted you've told people (albeit very few) so him wanting to seek support from his mum is not LTB worthy.

It sounds like there's probably more to this as it's a very OTT reaction to 'get the hell out' over this. The abortion won't be a 'non-event' for him. He was probably trying to support you in every way and not show his emotions as he's not the one physically going through it.

Would you rather him discuss it down the pub with his friends for all and sundry to hear?

Have boundaries yes, but you can't police your husband seeking support from his mother.

If I had specifically told him not to tell his mother then I would absolutely expect him not to go to his mother which, at the time, I presume he agreed to. Fundamentally, this is a betrayal to trust, and then when he didn’t tell her he went running to mummy he lied to her by omission, a double whammy. If he needed support he had other options. Here he has put his mother’s need to know before your right to privacy. Does he do this regularly?

Outnumbered99 · 19/12/2023 14:18

Wanting or agreeing that an abortion is the right thing, and not regretting it (at least in front of the OP who went through it, we only have one side of the story) is one thing, its quite a leap to coercive behaviour and forcing a partner to have an abortion. The OP has not clarified this situation that i can see.

scaredorganicyoghurt · 19/12/2023 14:19

Hi OP, I'm really sorry that your husband did this to you. I am also suffering from depression following a termination, and if my partner told his mother about it I would be beyond furious and he would never see me again. Already you're in so much pain from grief, and for him to do this to you on top of it is just unforgivable.

For me, therapy and antidepressants are somewhat helping. Wishing you all the best OP. Ignore the posters saying it's "controlling to dictate what he can tell his mother", they clearly know nothing of the immense pain you're experiencing, and now with this betrayal compounding it.

Sending you lots of love. It will get better xxxx