DH told MIL about my abortion

[NameeeeeeeChangeeeeed]

I have been very depressed. He says he was worried about me and needed advice. So he told MIL everything without my permission.

We have a 3yr old child and the abortion was over the summer. MIL lives the other end of the country so she couldn't offer practical help. It was just emotional support for him.

I had specifically told him not share this with her. He claims not to remember that conversation. If he told a male friend for support then fine. But not MIL.

I feel shattered. I don't see how I can ever trust him with anything private or confidential again. He had no right to share my private medical information with his Mother.

Right now I feel like the relationship is over. We've been together a decade though, have a house and a child. But how can I stay living with a man where I have to hide secrets from him because he can't be trusted? She is the last person in the world I would confide in and he knows that. Now all their family will know.

100%

@NameeeeeeeChangeeeeed

Is his mother emotionally domineering or abusive in other ways then 🤔?

Just wondering why you prefer her specifically not to know,
Is she a blabber mouth gossiper ?

I mean being an understand partner is basic stuff why does he need to consult his mother for her opinion 🤔 unless your mental health has been severe it has been jeopardising his mental health or impacting your family life and he was desperate for any support which he hasn't got,?
other than his mother type of thing..

I’m really surprised and a bit disconcerted by the number of posters who think people should be able to tell their mums anything at all about their marriages. I just couldn’t confide in my husband the way I need to if I thought his mum had a ringside seat, and I actually really like my MIL.

In the words of Princess Di, if there’s three people in a marriage then it is a bit crowded and doomed to fail.

When I got married, we had to do compulsory marriage preparation classes beforehand (church wedding). Even the Church of England has a section on how when you’re marrying someone you’re leaving your old family and starting a new one, and you have to protect the privacy of that and not run off to moan to your mum and dad.

And I do wonder how many of the posters supporting the DH are boy mums themselves…

I think it’s more appropriate he told his mother than a friend…

I agree. I’d rather it was shared with a female relative than a random gruff mate.

This is a gross betrayal of your trust, @NameeeeeeeChangeeeeed, and you're understandably distraught. I can relate to your position. There is no love lost between my MiL and I: she is not a person I would want to have information about my private medical circumstances or the current state of my mental health. Your DP had other people in which to confide, and you had no issue with this. To divulge such detail against your wishes, to the person you'd requested should not be told, might very well fall into the category of unforgiveable.

I'd find it hard to look past this. Against my better judgement, I agreed DH could tell his family about my own succession of miscarriages, and when they (predictably) behaved atrociously I ended up bitterly regretting it. Yes, they were his babies too, but it was my body, my hormones, my mental health and my personal information. I could have vetoed it. I should have. If you have a strong aversion to about sharing private, intimate information with people who care nothing for your best interests, there is usually a good underlying reason for that.

Whether this is a complete dealbreaker for your marriage, only you know. But whatever you decide, don't allow a bunch of strangers on the internet to tell you your feelings are not valid, or it's perfectly the place of a male spouse to ride roughshod over these. It isn't. It's a very serious betrayal.

I'm sorry you've been going through such a hard time. For me, also, 2023 has been a bastard of a year. Sending lots of empathy and compassion your way. (And this is the least your DP should have owed you, too).

I think he was entirely out of order to tell her. But perhaps he had a need to unburden himself and share. Is it worth ending your relationship over this. Only you can decide.

He should not have told his mother and I don't think he should have told a male friend either, or anyone, without your permission. It was a private and senstive matter. If he needed some emotional support, a neutral person in whom to confide would have been appropriate.

However, is it worth ending a relationship over this? I'm sure you have made it clear how you feel and he is not likely to be so loose-tongued again. It is possible to forgive indiscretions.

No it’s not his fucking experience as well. It’s her body and her medical information.

He IS the support - the support for you. If he really needed support in being the support he could have asked your permission - or else maybe sought professional counselling.

Not share your private medical information with someone you also know.

If he wanted to talk to someone, he could have talked to you ! I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

YABU
He needs support too, its not just you going through this

I’d be devastated if my DH did this to me and I wouldn’t be able to get past it. I don’t blame you for wanted to leave because he has completely betrayed your trust in a huge way.

Fucking hell, this is harsh.

The poor buy as going through the same thing the OP is, but he also has a wife who has had an awful trauma to deal with. Some women as so cruel and selfish

It is his experience too. It’s not fair for you to declare he has no issues of his own. He may be handling it better than you, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have anything to work out.

Those saying they would get support from their parents, I can understand that sometimes, but isn't this a tricky thing to confide because the potential grandparent is kind of too close to the situation? Some people would be upset that they'd lost the chance to have another grandchild, even though it's not their body or them bringing up the child.

I would be absolutely furious at this total betrayal of trust, and would find it very difficult to move beyond.

It is your private medical information, and your body. He absolutely does not have the right to discuss this, especially given that you had specifically said that you did not want this to be passed on. If you can't trust your husband, then I don't know how you can have a functioning marriage.

If he needs support, then he's free to share his own medical information. Not yours. He could have arranged counselling with a professional therapist, but instead he chose to gossip in a way that would hurt you most. And instead of being contrite, he's being blase and gaslighting you.

I'd be sending him back to his mother for a bloody hard think.

No, he is not going through the same thing! Not at all! He was completely unaffected by it, he is just annoyed that his wife is depressed because had the abortion he wanted her to have. He is going through nothing. I doubt he even cares about the depression, he just maybe feels guilty (I doubt even that) and is annoyed. It's her private medical details, and it is none of his business and not his business to tell! He had absolutely no right and this is one of the worst violations a husband could do.

I can't advise because @NameeeeeeeChangeeeeed hasn't provided the reason behind the abortion was it her wish or his?

The OP has said he was keen for the abortion and has no regrets so he certainly isn't going through the same thing as the OP.

@0MammaBear0 If you read all of the OP's posts, it's clear he wanted the abortion and coerced her. Now she is depressed. He has absolutely no right to violate a woman's most sacred personal medical privacy like that.

His wish for 'support' (which he can get from anyone) does not trump the OP's right to privacy of her medical details. Her wishes, come FIRST. It is not in the least 'controlling' for a woman to say who a second person can tell her personal medical details to. It's a basic human right, and his feelings will never, ever, ever trump another person's right to privacy.

Exactly! @SoreAndTired1

does any more even need to be said on the topic? Maybe don't be a prick who makes promises, breaks them and lies when called out.

The issue I see with this though is that EVERYBODY needs support, and especially so if they are supporting someone through something themselves. You simply cannot pour from an empty cup.

My DH had some medical issues which culminated in him being severely depressed. I love the bones of him and did everything I possibly could to support him through it, but it is incredibly difficult and often comes at a great personal cost to support a loved one through depression. Obviously a cost anybody would pay 10000 times over to have their loved one with them, but it is difficult nonetheless. I confided in my mum then and although she did not provide any direct support to my DH, the support she provided to me meant that I was able to better support my DH. She took care of me so I could take care of him. It was only when he was (thankfully) out the other side of the depression that he was able to realise and appreciate the situation we had both lived through and has always since been extremely grateful to my mum for the support she provided to me. Without it, we simply wouldn’t have made it out the other side still together, and I feared he may not have made it out at all.

When I’d asked him in the thick of if about confiding with a friend or professional, he’d be adamant that was not necessary, he was fine, everything was okay.

The bottom line is, nobody is just “the support”. EVERY single person needs support from someone, everyone.

@0MammaBear0 How about you read what the OP has actually written?

I get you OP.

we had similar as we had IVF to conceive our second child.

DH was on board with not telling his parents during treatment, as they’d have got over involved in the choices around how many goes to give it etc.

once I was pregnant past 12 weeks and we were telling them that he wanted to tell them it took IVF. I did not.

same as you, my private business, I would never seek their support in that situation. I also knew MIL to be indiscreet. She had told DH all about his cousin’s IVF. I’m sure cousin wouldn’t want us to know.

i also haven’t discussed this with my parents for similar reasons.

i eventually persuaded him not to by pointing out if the pregnancy didn’t work out they’d THEN get over involved in whether we tried again etc.

this is a private event, and as you say one that impacted you more than him.

as a partner you have to keep your partners private stuff private.

for me that line is ‘confide in who you want, unless it’s someone and something I specifically ask you not to. AND, a person you choose had better be discreet.’

i do for example talk over private issues in my marriage with my sibling as I value their support and insight.

But I trust them both to never let DH know what they know and to never blab about it to others.

i don’t trust my mum in the same way so I’m much more choosy about what I talk over with her.

what should you do?

i don’t know, that’s harder. Don’t rush.

you feel betrayed and are very upset. Let that really sink in for him first.

its sounds like he’s trying to justify and fob you off.

make it clear how hurt and betrayed you feel.

Actually I’d consider seriously cutting down contact with his family.

since they now know something you specifically wanted kept private, one way to deal with it is to not see them much or at all until the issue has faded for you, whenever that is.

which may be inconvenient for your partner but he should have respected your wish for privacy