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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH told MIL about my abortion

279 replies

NameeeeeeeChangeeeeed · 19/12/2023 12:50

I have been very depressed. He says he was worried about me and needed advice. So he told MIL everything without my permission.

We have a 3yr old child and the abortion was over the summer. MIL lives the other end of the country so she couldn't offer practical help. It was just emotional support for him.

I had specifically told him not share this with her. He claims not to remember that conversation. If he told a male friend for support then fine. But not MIL.

I feel shattered. I don't see how I can ever trust him with anything private or confidential again. He had no right to share my private medical information with his Mother.

Right now I feel like the relationship is over. We've been together a decade though, have a house and a child. But how can I stay living with a man where I have to hide secrets from him because he can't be trusted? She is the last person in the world I would confide in and he knows that. Now all their family will know.

OP posts:
ArcaneWireless · 19/12/2023 13:31

This is a difficult situation. But of all the people OP asked him not to tell, he ‘forgot’ and told her anyway.

I would feel terribly betrayed and I’m not sure it would be something I could forgive.

The trust would be gone and without that, for me the relationship would be dead in the water.

SoreAndTired1 · 19/12/2023 13:32

DappledThings · 19/12/2023 13:20

He was worried about you and wanted to share that worry. Unless you don't believe he actually was worried, or your MIL is someone who has been actively hostile and unpleasant to you in the past then I don't see he's done anything wrong.

What you consider your private medical information is also something that you decided together and meant a significant change to your shared future.

I don't agree with the threads that come up reasonably often where the OP says their partner isn't allowed to tell his parents about a pregnancy or miscarriage because it's her personal information only. It isn't.

Show quote history

It IS her personal information only. The abortion didn't happen to him. It has nothing to do with him, it is 100% her choice as to who she tells.

Coyoacan · 19/12/2023 13:32

I'm sorry for what you are going through, OP, but you say: I feel deeply, deeply ashamed and violated that he has shared this

That makes it worse for you. In some countries, nobody talks about it so everyone thinks it is just there guilty little secret, but the fact is nearly every woman I know I had to have an abortion. I have a devote Catholic friend who had an abortion and an even more devote Presbyterian friend, who has had one. I have a friend who was extremely anti-abortions until she had to have one herself. Your MIL has also probably had an abortion.

There are so many circumstances that force our hand.

So it is ok to be sad and want to maintain your privacy, but do not feel ashamed.

Mrsttcno1 · 19/12/2023 13:32

SoreAndTired1 · 19/12/2023 13:28

In this case yes, because you are forgetting he could have asked a female colleague, associate, mate whose wife had an abortion. Anyone. But he chose to tell the very one person she specifically asked him not to. That, is the unforgiveable part.

Show quote history

I can understand this perspective to an extent, but he told his mother. He (rightfully so) did not feel this was information to share with Ellen from the payroll department or Derek from down the road who’s wife had an abortion, but wanted to seek comfort and advice from the woman who brought him into the world.

Should he have, in an ideal world? No. But sometimes you do just need your mum’s advice and guidance.

Christmastreeeee · 19/12/2023 13:35

I wonder if there’s more to it. Do you dislike your MIL? The rest of his family?

Why are you ashamed?

Are you depressed because of the abortion?

But since you asked him not to tell her specifically and he agreed, he’s in the wrong.

It’s not something to blow up a marriage and family over - unless, like I said, there’s more to it than that.

Nosingreindeer · 19/12/2023 13:37

I disagree. Im very sorry you are going through this but I think if someone came on here and said I am going through a difficult time in my marriage, my partner is depressed and had an abortion and Ive been told I can't talk to my mother about it and get support, I would personally say that is abusive.

Of course if there is a backstory and she has done something unforgivable and you and your partner have talked through it and agreed that she should be low contact then that is different.

Maybe she can't offer you practical support but maybe she can offer him emotional support and its important your partner has a strong support network so he can support you.

He should never have agreed not to tell her though, he should have been honest if it was something he felt he needed to talk about. But I don't think it's fair to forbid him to talk about things with his parents.

WaitingfortheTardis · 19/12/2023 13:38

I can see from your posts how hurt you feel,.but I'm afraid I don't think you can ban your husband from speaking to his mum if he feels he needs to. He is clearly very worried about you. I think whatever age they are children should always be able to speak to their parents about their problems.

TheAlchemistElixa · 19/12/2023 13:39

theraininspainfallsmainlyontheplane · 19/12/2023 13:17

This would be the end of the relationship for me. What utter disrespect he has shown you. As if an abortion isn't hard enough without your in laws gossiping about it forevermore.

And what about the respect owed to her child (assuming the child is his, too) breaking up the family unit for this reason? I don’t think I could ever forgive my mother for throwing a grenade into my life and separating me from my father for this reason.

couples counselling, therapy…all manner of things I would try first before destroying my child’s home life in this way.

pinkyredrose · 19/12/2023 13:39

Was the abortion his idea, did he push you into it?

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 19/12/2023 13:39

@SoreAndTired1 Not the same thing and you know it. Op has come here looking for advice and support, you've charged in with aggression and seem hell bent on arguing with anyone who has a different opinion.

@NameeeeeeeChangeeeeed If you have a women's centre near you, give them a call and see if there's any groups or services you could use. I had a termination many years ago and thought I was fine but just couldn't pull myself out of depression

Neverpostagain · 19/12/2023 13:39

Your body your choice re the abortion and any MH support you choose to get regarding the issue. His body his choice regarding any support he chooses to get for himself re the above. Your wish for privacy does not trump his wish for support. Surely you can see it's very controlling and completely unacceptable to tell people what they can say to their own mums.

Mirabai · 19/12/2023 13:40

On the one hand if I had asked him specifically not to tell MIL I would feel betrayed; on the other he was really worried about your depression - reaching out to a female makes sense to try to understand why it’s affecting you the way it is - it wasn’t just salacious gossip for the sake of it. In that context I would forgive him.

I’m not sure that realistically you can ban someone from mentioning to their mother something that is their life story too.

Christmastreeeee · 19/12/2023 13:41

Nosingreindeer · 19/12/2023 13:37

I disagree. Im very sorry you are going through this but I think if someone came on here and said I am going through a difficult time in my marriage, my partner is depressed and had an abortion and Ive been told I can't talk to my mother about it and get support, I would personally say that is abusive.

Of course if there is a backstory and she has done something unforgivable and you and your partner have talked through it and agreed that she should be low contact then that is different.

Maybe she can't offer you practical support but maybe she can offer him emotional support and its important your partner has a strong support network so he can support you.

He should never have agreed not to tell her though, he should have been honest if it was something he felt he needed to talk about. But I don't think it's fair to forbid him to talk about things with his parents.

Yes I instinctively go here.

Unless, like I said in my reply above, there’s more to it. A toxic family etc.

He should never have agreed to not talk to her unless he meant it though.

SoreAndTired1 · 19/12/2023 13:41

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 19/12/2023 13:39

@SoreAndTired1 Not the same thing and you know it. Op has come here looking for advice and support, you've charged in with aggression and seem hell bent on arguing with anyone who has a different opinion.

@NameeeeeeeChangeeeeed If you have a women's centre near you, give them a call and see if there's any groups or services you could use. I had a termination many years ago and thought I was fine but just couldn't pull myself out of depression

@TheGrimSqueakersFlea It is exactly the same thing and you know it. I am angry that other women don't think womens right to privacy about what happens to their own body is sancrosanct. Maybe have a think about why you are not angry about that.

Mirabai · 19/12/2023 13:42

Another aspect to consider is that dealing with depression in a partner can be very, very difficult, and the depressed person isn’t always aware how hard and scary it can be.

Wowjustwow99 · 19/12/2023 13:42

I'd be fuming and it would probably be a deal breaker for me!

I could never trust him again!

Sending a hug💐

PrincessScarlett · 19/12/2023 13:42

I think the difference in telling MIL rather than a therapist/friend is that MIL would not provide impartial advice, particularly as it would have been a potential grandchild for her. I'm guessing there must be a backstory. But I totally get that if I were to have a abortion I would not want DH telling MIL as she would not be happy about her grandchild being aborted. I'm not sure if that is your situation but just basing it on my situation.

I think it's reasonable for DH to seek advice from MIL about your depression but telling her you've had an abortion which he wanted and is not bothered about is bang out of order.

Perhaps you need to have a short break away to get your head straight and make DH realise the seriousness of what he has done.

SoreAndTired1 · 19/12/2023 13:42

Neverpostagain · 19/12/2023 13:39

Your body your choice re the abortion and any MH support you choose to get regarding the issue. His body his choice regarding any support he chooses to get for himself re the above. Your wish for privacy does not trump his wish for support. Surely you can see it's very controlling and completely unacceptable to tell people what they can say to their own mums.

His wish for 'support' (which he can get from anyone) does not trump the OP's right to privacy of her medical details. Her wishes, come FIRST. It is not in the least 'controlling' for a woman to say who a second person can tell her personal medical details to. It's a basic human right, and his feelings will never, ever, ever trump another person's right to privacy.

StaunchMomma · 19/12/2023 13:43

NameeeeeeeChangeeeeed · 19/12/2023 13:09

The termination was a non-event for him. It's my depression he is bothered by.

Show quote history

It's his guilt talking.

He obviously wanted you to have the termination and hasn't been upset by it at all, from what you've said. He's now watching you struggle and needed someone to clarify for him that he's in the right, and who's more likely to be on his side than Mummy dearest?!

It sounds like your relationship with MIL is bad and he knows it, plus you specifically asked him not to tell her, so he didn't go to her to help you both, it's all about him.

Can you get a bit of space for a day or so? Go to visit parents/sibling with your DD? You need to clear your head before Xmas. Right now your decision making is purely reactionary. You need some time and space to think and he needs to understand just how much he's hurt you.

Christmas is a stressful time, generally. Can you focus on getting through that so you have a bit of space to think until Jan?

LemonTT · 19/12/2023 13:43

He is a person who had a problem in his relationship and decided to talk about it with a person he trusted. In principle we should encourage this. Too much gets driven into a hole of secrecy and shame in marriages which isn’t helpful for men or women.

He was a person dealing with a depressed partner. That’s lonely and stressful. He had the right to talk about it with whoever he wanted.

Depression should not be secret or shameful
Abortion should not be secret or shameful.

The OP is free to dislike his decision to speak to his mother. But she can’t demand he doesn’t and she either lives with it or she separates. He will still speak to his mother.

LittleGlowingOblong · 19/12/2023 13:44

I’m so sorry this happened to you, OP x

Mirabai · 19/12/2023 13:44

He should never have agreed to not talk to her unless he meant it though.

I guess at the time it didn’t seem likely to be an issue. He wasn’t to know that OP would get so depressed and he would need support.

JANEY205 · 19/12/2023 13:44

Is there a backstory to you not wanting MIL specifically to know? Is it because it would have been a potential grandchild that you are so mortified she knows? I know my brothers former partner had an abortion and never judged her but my brother did need support at the time to know how to support her. I’ve never had an abortion and neither has my mother but we are close family and honestly I think it’s more appropriate he told his mother than a friend…

Renamed · 19/12/2023 13:45

It is beyond batshit to think that there is a specific right to share information with your mother.

If someone wants support they can get support.

That does not mean sharing private information about a person who is also known to the parent!

Lunde · 19/12/2023 13:47

I would find it a huge betrayal if my husband told the one person I had asked him not to tell

It would severely affect the level of trust in my relationship with my husband if I could not be sure that he would respect my right to privacy in a specific issue - how could I tell him confidential things if he could "forget" so easily and dash off to tell mummy?