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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH told MIL about my abortion

279 replies

NameeeeeeeChangeeeeed · 19/12/2023 12:50

I have been very depressed. He says he was worried about me and needed advice. So he told MIL everything without my permission.

We have a 3yr old child and the abortion was over the summer. MIL lives the other end of the country so she couldn't offer practical help. It was just emotional support for him.

I had specifically told him not share this with her. He claims not to remember that conversation. If he told a male friend for support then fine. But not MIL.

I feel shattered. I don't see how I can ever trust him with anything private or confidential again. He had no right to share my private medical information with his Mother.

Right now I feel like the relationship is over. We've been together a decade though, have a house and a child. But how can I stay living with a man where I have to hide secrets from him because he can't be trusted? She is the last person in the world I would confide in and he knows that. Now all their family will know.

OP posts:
grumpycow1 · 19/12/2023 14:21

He had no right to tell her and the fact you found out by over-hearing it? I can understand you wanting to end it.

I found out about a friend’s abortions, she didn’t tell me but because her DH told a friend and of course he told his partner, and so it went along the grapevine. I have never said anything about it to anyone except writing this which is anonymous. You can never fully trust someone not in your relationship to keep it quiet, but you SHOULD be able to trust your partner.

especially with an abortion which is a private medical procedure.

PricklePop · 19/12/2023 14:22

Tweedledumdedum · 19/12/2023 14:09

I've been in a relationship where my partner didn't want me to mention big things about our relationship to my parents. It was very controlling. If I was him I'd be the one who was mad about how you're trying to dictate what he can and can't talk to his parents about when it's something that directly affects him.

Edited

I guess you can, but don't expect to be able to maintain a relationship or friendships if upon think it's ok to deliberately share personal info.

It would be abusive to not allow a partner to get support or share problems with anyone. It's not abusive to not want your partner to tell your mil that you had an abortion.

Mrsttcno1 · 19/12/2023 14:22

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/12/2023 14:14

OK but I did cover this by saying he could ask permission to share or he could get professional counselling.

Like counsellors do - they get professional counselling themselves.

They don’t speak to someone also known to their client.

Show quote history

And as I said, if I’d asked DH, he would have said we didn’t need to confide in anyone because everything was fine. Infact he thought I still had a brilliant life, happier than ever, because when someone is struggling with depression they often can’t see past themselves. But him saying that would not have meant that I suddenly didn’t need support. I did.

Do you have any idea how long it can take to get to see a professional counsellor?

If you can afford to go private- which I did do briefly- it was a week to wait for a 45 minute chat, which cost me £90. My counsellor was brilliant, but she couldn’t be on the end of the phone at 1am when I was overwhelmed to the point of tears after supporting DH all day. My counsellor couldn’t pop out for a coffee with me on a Sunday morning to give me that little break of fresh air and a change of scenery. My counsellor didn’t drop cakes round or help me cook batch recipes to make our lives a little bit easier.

If you can’t afford to spend nearly £400 per month on 4 x 45 min sessions, then you’re on the NHS wait list for counselling. I currently have a close friend on this list, they presented to a&e 4 months ago after self harm and sent away with a referral for counselling and a piece of paper which had “reasons to smile” written on it.

Morewineplease10 · 19/12/2023 14:24

Yanbu.

Surprised at many of the responses on here.

grumpycow1 · 19/12/2023 14:24

Cas112 · 19/12/2023 14:05

What about his needs OP? is the abortion not a big life event for him too?

Is he not allowed emotional support from his own mother

Show quote history

She said he wanted her to have it and isn’t bothered except that he doesn’t want her to be depressed any more.

To him I bet it feels like using contraception, whereas to her it’s a massive emotional toll. I think she had the right to ask him not to tell his mum her business.

SarcasmAndCoffee · 19/12/2023 14:25

NameeeeeeeChangeeeeed · 19/12/2023 12:59

Right now, I feel ok about taking my daughter and getting the hell out.

She lives far away but I'm a private person and have told very few people. She is the last person I would choose to let know private details about myself. I feel deeply, deeply ashamed and violated that he has shared this.

There is zero support she could give me.

Show quote history

You need to consider that he may need the support too. That’s his mum.

what you went through is tragic and I understand the devastation having been through it myself too, but he is also aloud to seek support and he is also part of the situation. Equally you can’t dictate to him who he can and can’t confide In

user1471447924 · 19/12/2023 14:25

What a lot of histrionics! If you leave him over this is might be best for him as well!

Mrsttcno1 · 19/12/2023 14:27

SoreAndTired1 · 19/12/2023 14:15

OP herself said he wanted the abortion and was uneffected by it. Read all her posts, not just the first one. He is just annoyed now that his coercing her to have an abortion has effected her and given her depression. Even then he's made it about himself.

Show quote history

Recognise that we have only ONE side of the story, and the OP has said she is suffering with depression.

If you had asked my DH in the midst of his, he would have said the same. He would have said I was irritated by his mental health, he would have said I had a brilliant life and had nothing to complain about. Only when he was out the other side did he truly appreciate the affect it had on me.

Also, you need to re read I think. Nowhere does OP say she was coerced into an abortion.

pearldiamond · 19/12/2023 14:27

So he needed support from his mother because you were depressed and he was asking her how he could help you.

He did NOT need to tell her about the abortion to get this help. He could have used any other reason. Or even just said he didn't know why.

How are you op though. With your depression. Is it because of the abortion? 🩵

zombie0037 · 19/12/2023 14:28

Did you tell your parents?? if you did surely he has a right to speak to his about it.

theconfidenceofwho · 19/12/2023 14:28

ShittingPeugeot · 19/12/2023 13:20

Do you have a son OP? If so, imagine your son going through something traumatic and not being able to go to you for support.

I'm not saying what he's done is write, but you yourself have admitted you've told people (albeit very few) so him wanting to seek support from his mum is not LTB worthy.

It sounds like there's probably more to this as it's a very OTT reaction to 'get the hell out' over this. The abortion won't be a 'non-event' for him. He was probably trying to support you in every way and not show his emotions as he's not the one physically going through it.

Would you rather him discuss it down the pub with his friends for all and sundry to hear?

Have boundaries yes, but you can't police your husband seeking support from his mother.

Totally agree with this.

SoreAndTired1 · 19/12/2023 14:28

SarcasmAndCoffee · 19/12/2023 14:25

You need to consider that he may need the support too. That’s his mum.

what you went through is tragic and I understand the devastation having been through it myself too, but he is also aloud to seek support and he is also part of the situation. Equally you can’t dictate to him who he can and can’t confide In

Show quote history

She most certainly can tell him who he can and can't tell her private medical business. He is not allowed to do that without the permission of the person whose private medical business it is. He can seek support anonymously or otherwise. But he is not allowed to tell someone else's personal private medical business to anyone without her permission.

theconfidenceofwho · 19/12/2023 14:29

user1471447924 · 19/12/2023 14:25

What a lot of histrionics! If you leave him over this is might be best for him as well!

Very true!

Kittylala · 19/12/2023 14:31

What's hurtful is that MIL knows something immensely private about her that she didn't know she knew about. How potentially embrassing that is for OP who has been potentially continuing with normal conversations with her MIL. A major breach of boundaries and privacy is it not?

SoreAndTired1 · 19/12/2023 14:31

user1471447924 · 19/12/2023 14:25

What a lot of histrionics! If you leave him over this is might be best for him as well!

Saying a woman who has been violated is wrong for leaving her husband is misogynistic enough, using the term 'histrionics' is simply peak misogyny. I wonder how many men are on this thread.

Ofcourseshecan · 19/12/2023 14:32

capgemleopis · 19/12/2023 13:06

I think you are being totally unreasonable. Having a termination is a huge thing and to expect him not to talk to his mum for support or advice is ridiculous.

OP has stated that he wasn’t upset about the abortion. He was fine with it. He didn’t need support.
He could ask his mum for help with his depression without giving away deeply personal, private information about OP.

My DSis gave away a secret I’d told her, not as serious as this but embarrassing to me. I’d confided in her on her promise that she wouldn’t tell anyone else.

I still love her, but I never trusted her with private information again. Between husband and wife, this would be difficult. I’d find it hard to come back from.

RedHelenB · 19/12/2023 14:32

NameeeeeeeChangeeeeed · 19/12/2023 12:59

Right now, I feel ok about taking my daughter and getting the hell out.

She lives far away but I'm a private person and have told very few people. She is the last person I would choose to let know private details about myself. I feel deeply, deeply ashamed and violated that he has shared this.

There is zero support she could give me.

Show quote history

Zero support she could give you maybe but sounds like your dh looks to her for support for him..Yabu.

Holly60 · 19/12/2023 14:32

pearldiamond · 19/12/2023 14:27

So he needed support from his mother because you were depressed and he was asking her how he could help you.

He did NOT need to tell her about the abortion to get this help. He could have used any other reason. Or even just said he didn't know why.

How are you op though. With your depression. Is it because of the abortion? 🩵

But surely the advice/support would be different based on the situation.

If he was asking for advice about how best to support OP then surely he needed to explain what had caused the depression.

I don't really understand expecting someone living with a depressed spouse to just struggle on keeping it all to themselves.

And PP have mentioned talking to a counsellor but this is financially unattainable for many people.

If his mum is his most trusted person outside of his wife then I understand why he wanted to confide in her. And forcing him to promise not to tell her was unfair.

scaredorganicyoghurt · 19/12/2023 14:33

Completely agree with you @SoreAndTired1, it's awful seeing what some people are saying on this thread. Clearly speaking about something they have zero experience with.

LunaandLily · 19/12/2023 14:33

There are things that stay within the marriage and that’s final, as far as I’m concerned. If he needed support, there are a wealth of resources out there. OP has the right to privacy and anonymity here.

Hoolahoophop · 19/12/2023 14:34

OP please hide or delete this thread and go talk to a therapist. Reading the mostly angry and very polarised words of a bunch of people arguing about your life which they know next to nothing about will do nothing for your depression or understanding what you want from your relationship. They are not trying to help you, they do not have your best interests at heart. They are projecting their own views and own stories onto your situation. Take very good care of yourself and please, look for help. NHS talking therapies may be a good place to start. Best wishes.

LaurieStrode · 19/12/2023 14:35

I'm sorry. What a jackass.

It would be a dealbreaker for me.

FirstTimeTTC989 · 19/12/2023 14:35

I don't think this is something I would leave my partner over but how is the rest of your relationship? I assume this is not the only issue given the tone of your post.

CommonOrNot · 19/12/2023 14:36

I think you’re projecting.

Mrsttcno1 · 19/12/2023 14:37

LunaandLily · 19/12/2023 14:33

There are things that stay within the marriage and that’s final, as far as I’m concerned. If he needed support, there are a wealth of resources out there. OP has the right to privacy and anonymity here.

What are these “wealth of resources” then please?

Could you please provide names and links for where you can access support with 5 minutes notice, without me having to pay £100 an hour, to speak to somebody who can provide you with emotional or mental support?

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