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Original poster

DH told MIL about my abortion

279 replies

NameeeeeeeChangeeeeed · 19/12/2023 12:50

I have been very depressed. He says he was worried about me and needed advice. So he told MIL everything without my permission.

We have a 3yr old child and the abortion was over the summer. MIL lives the other end of the country so she couldn't offer practical help. It was just emotional support for him.

I had specifically told him not share this with her. He claims not to remember that conversation. If he told a male friend for support then fine. But not MIL.

I feel shattered. I don't see how I can ever trust him with anything private or confidential again. He had no right to share my private medical information with his Mother.

Right now I feel like the relationship is over. We've been together a decade though, have a house and a child. But how can I stay living with a man where I have to hide secrets from him because he can't be trusted? She is the last person in the world I would confide in and he knows that. Now all their family will know.

OP posts:
theraininspainfallsmainlyontheplane · 19/12/2023 13:17

This would be the end of the relationship for me. What utter disrespect he has shown you. As if an abortion isn't hard enough without your in laws gossiping about it forevermore.

SoreAndTired1 · 19/12/2023 13:17

I could not get past this. He spoke about your medical business behind your back, he knows damn well you told him not to, he didn't 'forget'. He ignored your feelings. It sounds like you were pressured into it by a selfish man who has no consideration for the effect it had on you, and done the worst thing possible by telling the one person you would ask him not to.

I would simply write him a note while he was out and go and stay somewhere else for awhile. Do you have family you can stay with for Christmas?

He needs to know that what he did is a very, very serious breach of your trust.

PricklePop · 19/12/2023 13:17

I'd be fuming on your behalf, and he's also lying that he forgot to not tell her.

Avatartar · 19/12/2023 13:19

The fact that he says he cant remember committing to something so important to you m, in agreeing not to tell your MIL, then telling her anyway is adding insult to injury and showing you the complete lack of regard he has for you. I’m so sorry OP, that would be the end for me, he is hollow

ShittingPeugeot · 19/12/2023 13:20

Do you have a son OP? If so, imagine your son going through something traumatic and not being able to go to you for support.

I'm not saying what he's done is write, but you yourself have admitted you've told people (albeit very few) so him wanting to seek support from his mum is not LTB worthy.

It sounds like there's probably more to this as it's a very OTT reaction to 'get the hell out' over this. The abortion won't be a 'non-event' for him. He was probably trying to support you in every way and not show his emotions as he's not the one physically going through it.

Would you rather him discuss it down the pub with his friends for all and sundry to hear?

Have boundaries yes, but you can't police your husband seeking support from his mother.

DappledThings · 19/12/2023 13:20

NameeeeeeeChangeeeeed · 19/12/2023 13:09

The termination was a non-event for him. It's my depression he is bothered by.

Show quote history

He was worried about you and wanted to share that worry. Unless you don't believe he actually was worried, or your MIL is someone who has been actively hostile and unpleasant to you in the past then I don't see he's done anything wrong.

What you consider your private medical information is also something that you decided together and meant a significant change to your shared future.

I don't agree with the threads that come up reasonably often where the OP says their partner isn't allowed to tell his parents about a pregnancy or miscarriage because it's her personal information only. It isn't.

ShittingPeugeot · 19/12/2023 13:20

What he has done is right**

SoreAndTired1 · 19/12/2023 13:21

capgemleopis · 19/12/2023 13:06

I think you are being totally unreasonable. Having a termination is a huge thing and to expect him not to talk to his mum for support or advice is ridiculous.

@capgemleopis It's the WOMAN'S private medical history! No man (or woman) has the right to divulge another womens medical business when she SPECIFICALLY asked him not to tell her. You are way out of line on this. The OP had the termination (coerced by him!), NOT HIM! Her needs come first, and to suggest he has the right to breach a woman's wishes not least personal medical business, is ridiculous!

LoobyDop · 19/12/2023 13:22

I would find this very difficult to forgive, OP, and would be questioning how you can possibly save a relationship where the trust has been destroyed. Could couples therapy help you to work through how badly he has betrayed you? Maybe if he realised that and you could see that he was genuinely sorry and would never do it again, there would be a chance. I completely understand how you feel, though, and do not agree that it was or is his right to share his indirect pain with his mother against your explicit wishes.

MissBuffyAnneSummers · 19/12/2023 13:23

I don't think its unreasonable for for someone to discuss things they are worried about and seek support from their mother.

DontGoGran · 19/12/2023 13:23

Agree with PP, I wouldn't be able to get past this I don't think. He's betrayed your trust and confidence and completely ignored specific wishes that he didn't share something with his mother, presumably because you a) don't have a particularly good relationship with her and/or b) she can't be trusted to keep her bloody mouth shut.

You could demand he put in better boundaries with his mother and see how far that gets you, I have had some success doing this with my DH and MIL, but still have to accept that he just can't help himself and will tell her things I don't want her to know at times.

SoreAndTired1 · 19/12/2023 13:24

ShittingPeugeot · 19/12/2023 13:20

Do you have a son OP? If so, imagine your son going through something traumatic and not being able to go to you for support.

I'm not saying what he's done is write, but you yourself have admitted you've told people (albeit very few) so him wanting to seek support from his mum is not LTB worthy.

It sounds like there's probably more to this as it's a very OTT reaction to 'get the hell out' over this. The abortion won't be a 'non-event' for him. He was probably trying to support you in every way and not show his emotions as he's not the one physically going through it.

Would you rather him discuss it down the pub with his friends for all and sundry to hear?

Have boundaries yes, but you can't police your husband seeking support from his mother.

Do you have a daughter, @ShittingPeugeot ? If she told her husband not to devulge her medical information of a very personal nature, and he (after being the reason she had to have the abortion as it's clear from the OP's posts he coerced her into it) went against your daughters wishes and told the ONE person she specifically asked him not to, how would you react?

Yes, the OP told people, because it HAPPENED TO HER, it is HER MEDICAL BUSINESS, and hence, WHO SHE TELLS IS her business! She calls the shots on this, as it's HER PRIVATE MEDICAL INFORMATION. Not his.

SoreAndTired1 · 19/12/2023 13:25

MissBuffyAnneSummers · 19/12/2023 13:23

I don't think its unreasonable for for someone to discuss things they are worried about and seek support from their mother.

It is unreasonable that he chose to tell the one person she specifically asked him not to tell! It's HER private medical business! It's up to her 100%, not him!

Tempnamechng · 19/12/2023 13:26

SoreAndTired1 · 19/12/2023 13:21

@capgemleopis It's the WOMAN'S private medical history! No man (or woman) has the right to divulge another womens medical business when she SPECIFICALLY asked him not to tell her. You are way out of line on this. The OP had the termination (coerced by him!), NOT HIM! Her needs come first, and to suggest he has the right to breach a woman's wishes not least personal medical business, is ridiculous!

Show quote history

You are right in that it is a woman's medical history @SoreAndTired1, but we know its much more complicated than that. If it's a wanted pregnancy and the man isn't supportive and excited then we rightly stamp on him, if its unwanted and he is supportive but struggling do we also stamp on him?

SoreAndTired1 · 19/12/2023 13:27

Avatartar · 19/12/2023 13:19

The fact that he says he cant remember committing to something so important to you m, in agreeing not to tell your MIL, then telling her anyway is adding insult to injury and showing you the complete lack of regard he has for you. I’m so sorry OP, that would be the end for me, he is hollow

Yes, this is such a serious thing, he was so worried about her, that he 'forgot' she asked him not to tell one specific person. Bullshit. He sounds like a heartless, selfish, incompassionate pig OP, with not respect for your personal feelings and human rights to privacy.

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 19/12/2023 13:27

@SoreAndTired1 you seem quite angry, are you alright? Nowhere in the op did it say she was coerced

IveOnlyEverHeardOutwithONHere · 19/12/2023 13:28

I’m sorry you’ve had such an awful time of it OP, but I think you’re being a bit unreasonable TBH. I know it wasn’t his body, and obviously the experience wouldn’t have been the same for him, but it is your DH’s experience too, and if he needed emotional support and felt like his mum was the right person to give it to him then it’s his right to tell her. You’ve married this man, so presumably you trust him and his judgement, and I’m afraid that involves trusting his judgement to only tell things to people he can trust, whether you would do the same or not.

SoreAndTired1 · 19/12/2023 13:28

Tempnamechng · 19/12/2023 13:26

You are right in that it is a woman's medical history @SoreAndTired1, but we know its much more complicated than that. If it's a wanted pregnancy and the man isn't supportive and excited then we rightly stamp on him, if its unwanted and he is supportive but struggling do we also stamp on him?

Show quote history

In this case yes, because you are forgetting he could have asked a female colleague, associate, mate whose wife had an abortion. Anyone. But he chose to tell the very one person she specifically asked him not to. That, is the unforgiveable part.

C8H10N4O2 · 19/12/2023 13:28

Tempnamechng · 19/12/2023 13:13

He shouldn't have told her, but this isn't a ltb. (Assuming he was your baby's father, and not knowing how far along in the pregnancy you were.) This is controversial, but whilst an abortion is absolutely the woman's choice and the man's place to support, we can't ask a man not to have his own emotions. He is going to feel his own conflicted emotions whilst trying to support you and has obviously turned to his dm for support. I would hate to think my own dc was told not to tell me about something that directly affected them and that they were struggling to cope with.
Edit - I cross posted with you saying your depression was the biggest concern for him, rather than the actual abortion, which if it was a non event then I wonder why he would tell his dm, unless he let you think it was a non event. Supporting someone who is mentally unwell is one of the most terrifying things you can go though, so I hope for your sake and for your family you are getting help.

Edited

The OP hasn't said he shouldn't be able to have support - she specifically said she would be fine with him talking it over with a male friend but particularly did not want it discussed with her MiL.

Its a big breach of trust and frankly I would struggle with it. When our children grow up and form their own families we have to accept that some things need to be private between them.

pikkumyy77 · 19/12/2023 13:29

I think that his behavior was bad/is a problem but the OP’s response is also very concerning. Is depression the only thing that is going on? The anger and imulsivity of ending the marriage over his confiding his anxiety to his mother seems to indicate something bigger and more worrying than mere depression.

OP are you having suicidal thoughts or thoughts of self harm?

Is this why he thought he needed support? Is feeling overprotected and controlled why you are reacting so strongly?

Where is your child’s need for stability in your calculation?

if you don’t love your dh snd want to leave you are free to do that for any reason and no reason. But if you are busting up the marriage impulsively because you are a danger to yourself that’s another thing.

Helenahandkart · 19/12/2023 13:29

He absolutely shouldn’t have told her, not against your specific request that he didn’t. If he needed emotional support then there would have been other options.
The information was not his to share. It details private medical info, involving mental health/ gynaecological matters, that you should be able to keep to yourself, or between you and your partner, without fear that he will break your confidence.
What he has done is awful.
For comparison, my DH and I had several years of fertility treatment which I wished to keep private. My DH wanted to tell his parents but recognised that my rights to keep info about my own body and reproductive health trumped his wish to share the experience.

Tinkerbyebye · 19/12/2023 13:29

I think he was wrong, and I also think a lot of posters have jumped onto the abortion and not read the post

he was not concerned about the abortion, he was ‘concerned’ about the ops depressive state.

he could have told his mk there that he was concerned about her depression, that she has/has not got help, he does not need to tell her about the abortion

I would not be trusting him with anything now I did not want his family to know about, and that’s a sad state of affairs.

His responsibility is to his wife, if he needs to offload then fine, but not to someone he has been specifically asked not to.

Renamed · 19/12/2023 13:30

no, people do not have the right to share confidential information about their partner with their parents, especially when they have specifically been asked not to.

SoreAndTired1 · 19/12/2023 13:30

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 19/12/2023 13:27

@SoreAndTired1 you seem quite angry, are you alright? Nowhere in the op did it say she was coerced

@TheGrimSqueakersFlea The OP is depressed after having the abortion and she said He was keen for the abortion.

IveOnlyEverHeardOutwithONHere · 19/12/2023 13:30

Ok, ignore my above post. If he said he wouldn’t tell her then yeah, he’s a knobber.