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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think being asked for money at work like this is not ok?

612 replies

xmasmoney · 19/12/2023 08:48

I don’t know if I’m feeling sensitive about money and actually this is totally reasonable…

We have one dc in full time nursery costing 1500 a month. I work for a professional services company and we have a lot of support staff. We are seen to be paid huge money. However I am only on 63k and we are struggling so much at the moment, some people more senior are on well over this with grown up dc. A month ago a Teams message was started by someone senior saying does anyone want to pitch in for a gift for the secretaries. I found this very inappropriate on teams as it was difficult to say no in a group chat.

I know the answer in practice is just don’t give anything if you can’t afford it but I’ve since been chased on a separate teams message asking if I am contributing and when I ignored that I got an email.

I feel this puts so much pressure on people and think it is massively inappropriate thing to do at work? Am I being a dick?

OP posts:
nottaotter · 19/12/2023 08:51

I think it would be more appropriate to have a collection box so if people want they can choose to put in 2 quid or 30 quid or whatever.

Also for someone to collect for cleaners and security staff?

Its tricky, it comes from a good place.

Doggymummar · 19/12/2023 08:51

Just answer the question and they will stop hassling you. Sorry I don't want to. Yes here's a fiver they are hassling you because you haven't committed and time is running out, presumably it's a Christmas present. But tight not to get your admin a present though.

Original poster
xmasmoney · 19/12/2023 08:52

@Doggymummar i do want to. I have done in the past. We have no money at the moment and credit card debt. Being asked in this way I have found really uncomfortable

OP posts:
KimberleyClark · 19/12/2023 08:53

I almost stopped reading when you said you were only on £63k. The secretaries won’t be on much more than a third of your wage. I doubt the gifts will be expensive, maybe even chocolates for them to share. YABU.

MilkChocolateCookie · 19/12/2023 08:54

I think the original message was fine but not ok to keep chasing you.

NigelHarmansNewWife · 19/12/2023 08:54

You say "we" so there's more than one salary coming in in your household. You're not compelled to respond to the message and if you feel pressurised surely you can anonymously put as little or nothing in if you like? The support staff will be on much less than you so imagine how they are coping. I'm not very sympathetic to someone who doesn't appear very aware of the circumstances of lower paid colleagues but is so unassertive as to not to be able to deal with being asked to contribute when they don't want to.

PhulNana · 19/12/2023 08:54

I feel so sorry for you. Only 63K per year! Feeding the family on scraps from the skip round the back of Aldi and Greggs, are you?

Original poster
xmasmoney · 19/12/2023 08:54

@KimberleyClark one of them is on 33k so it’s nearly half actually. But I see your point. I do usually contribute but nursery is making things horrendous at the moment

OP posts:
TooOldForThisNonsense · 19/12/2023 08:54

YABU to say you are “only” on £63k

However YANBU to not contribute to sheets at work. I rarely contribute. I just ignore the messages or say “no thanks”.

CharliesAngels81 · 19/12/2023 08:54

Just get a grip and either say a) can't afford it or b) give what you can.

don't overthink it, your actions are causing the issue

Fairyliz · 19/12/2023 08:55

Prime MN ‘I am only on £63k’; so basically twice the average wage. Yes I would say that is very well paid.
I’ve been working for 45 years and yes it’s normal to buy the admin staff who earn a lot less a Christmas present.

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 19/12/2023 08:55

Yep, lost all sympathy when you said you're 'only' on £63k

myphoneisbroken · 19/12/2023 08:55

YABU not to put a fiver in. I get that money is tight, but it's very normal in a workplace for more senior, better-paid people to chip in for a present for those who support them.

BTW, people with grown up DC may well be supporting them financially - don't make assumptions about everybody else having more disposable income than you.

NigelHarmansNewWife · 19/12/2023 08:55

If it's such as issue for you just say your circumstances are such you are unable to contribute this year. That'll shut them up.

Original poster
xmasmoney · 19/12/2023 08:55

@NigelHarmansNewWife the person has asked for a transfer to be made to their account.

Yes there is a small second income but equally many of the secretaries have partners with bigger incomes.

it’s more that I feel the way it’s been asked is really inappropriate.

OP posts:
Skincarehelp23 · 19/12/2023 08:56

I work in an office role, on 27k. My colleagues had a whip round for us and gave us very generous gifts. It lovely, but honestly a bit patronising. I can afford my own stuff. I think a box of chocs/bottle of wine would have been better. Long story short, don't worry, you don't need to contribute and even if you, a couple or quid is fine!

BranchGold · 19/12/2023 08:56

I know I’d be inclined to feel like sending a message along the lines of ‘the companies poor salaries for junior/support staff is not my responsibility’ but I’d probably chicken out.

make your mind up if you will/won’t and send a response to the initial email confirming.

Floopani · 19/12/2023 08:56

Say no. If you have the balls to say 'only on 63k' when you're in a dual income household so can't contribute to a gift for people on a much lower salary, then I'm sure you can find the balls to say no at work.

Original poster
xmasmoney · 19/12/2023 08:56

@CharliesAngels81 fair. I need to be more assertive. Definitely not good at that

OP posts:
rookiemere · 19/12/2023 08:56

It's fine to suggest but not to harass people.

But you need to stop with the poor little me only on 63k narrative. It's jarring as it's a good salary.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 19/12/2023 08:56

”only on 63k” this is bound to end well…..

myphoneisbroken · 19/12/2023 08:57

Honestly it's not inappropriate, it's normal. All you need to do is say "I'm going to sit this one out". You are just creating more work for the person who has kindly taken on the extra work of organising the gift and is now having to chase you and probably other colleagues.

Sussurations · 19/12/2023 08:57

No need to contribute, but you should say so, not just ignore messages.

Don’t go around telling people you can’t afford it. That makes you look selfish, tight and out of touch, even though it is perfectly possible to be stretched in your position and I do get where you’re coming from.

Consider whether it’s worth getting a reputation for not being supportive of colleagues for the sake of £20. That really won’t make any difference to your overall situation. You could contribute this time and then next time have a ‘rule’ that you only contribute at Christmas, for example. That way you’re clear and you won’t have to explain yourself each time.

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 19/12/2023 08:58

Our teams chat went. ‘ who is buying for the team?’ Another manager responded ‘ I will - please transfer £30’ and that was that!

just send over a tenner and stop worrying about it.

Original poster
xmasmoney · 19/12/2023 08:58

I meant only 63k as in the rest are on far more. It was a comparison to the rest of the group who have been asked.

OP posts: