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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think being asked for money at work like this is not ok?

612 replies

xmasmoney · 19/12/2023 08:48

I don’t know if I’m feeling sensitive about money and actually this is totally reasonable…

We have one dc in full time nursery costing 1500 a month. I work for a professional services company and we have a lot of support staff. We are seen to be paid huge money. However I am only on 63k and we are struggling so much at the moment, some people more senior are on well over this with grown up dc. A month ago a Teams message was started by someone senior saying does anyone want to pitch in for a gift for the secretaries. I found this very inappropriate on teams as it was difficult to say no in a group chat.

I know the answer in practice is just don’t give anything if you can’t afford it but I’ve since been chased on a separate teams message asking if I am contributing and when I ignored that I got an email.

I feel this puts so much pressure on people and think it is massively inappropriate thing to do at work? Am I being a dick?

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 19/12/2023 08:59

You lost me at "only 63k". Especially as you seem to have a second income.

You don't have to contribute if you don't want to, but I think you're being a bit tight personally. I don't believe that you couldn't afford to make a small contribution, I think you just don't want to prioritise it over other things. That's your choice.

ZenNudist · 19/12/2023 08:59

I'm senior in a professional services firm and I sorted the collection for our PA who is amazing, paid way less than any of us and I only asked managers Upwards to contribute. Partner gave £50, most gave £20, some gave £10. I wouldn't have batted an eyelid at £5.

Really tight not to contribute £5 to get the team admin a gift.

I don't believe you haven't got a small amount to contribute.

They just want to know what the budget is and you need to say sorry not contributing.

MargotBamborough · 19/12/2023 09:00

How much have you contributed in previous years? What sort of contribution is normal?

easylikeasundaymorn · 19/12/2023 09:00

You are definitely not being unreasonable in that any requests for optional money should be made once, with possibly one further reminder at most and absolutely no individual targeting- thats not great.

But you are being unreasonable to only compare yourself against those earning more than you without childcare costs, while seeming to ignore those earning less.

Also maybe one secretary is on £33k but the fact you have used them as an example suggests they are the highest paid and the others earn less...and even then I find it bizarre that you point out thats "half" of your wage as if it SUPPORTS your argument rather than the opposite - if you are struggling on 63k how on earth do you think people on half that or less are doing? They also have to pay nursery fees if they have kids -someone on 33k wouldn't get any discount!

Original poster
xmasmoney · 19/12/2023 09:01

@easylikeasundaymorn yes but these people have partners too? And lots earning far more than my DP.

OP posts:
LightToTheWorld · 19/12/2023 09:01

I think you're being a bit wet, OP. It's fine to have a collection, just say "no thanks" if you don't want to contribute.

Original poster
xmasmoney · 19/12/2023 09:02

@MargotBamborough i would usually do 10. I literally have 58 in my account until pay day

OP posts:
Vermin · 19/12/2023 09:02

If you’re tight, own it.
nursery fees are the same rate for those secretaries btw

MintJulia · 19/12/2023 09:03

Honestly, £63k plus a second income and you can't manage a fiver once a year? I'm a single mum with a mortgage and even I'd manage that.

But chasing staff for money is inappropriate and you are obviously within your rights to say no. Just send a note to the requester, saying things are a bit tight this year and you'll have to sit this one out.

ObliviousCoalmine · 19/12/2023 09:03

However I am only on 63k and we are struggling so much at the moment

Mmhmm.

PegasusReturns · 19/12/2023 09:03

This should have been part of your budget really, it’s not just about money. As another poster said many of the employees will be in comfortable positions and can afford their own things, but you should show them appreciation and typically that is fine through gifts.

if their help and support throughout the year is of benefit to you, consider it money well spent.

SutWytTi · 19/12/2023 09:03

KimberleyClark · 19/12/2023 08:53

I almost stopped reading when you said you were only on £63k. The secretaries won’t be on much more than a third of your wage. I doubt the gifts will be expensive, maybe even chocolates for them to share. YABU.

The OP has high outgoings and credit card debt.

easylikeasundaymorn · 19/12/2023 09:03

xmasmoney · 19/12/2023 09:01

@easylikeasundaymorn yes but these people have partners too? And lots earning far more than my DP.

How do you know what all their partners earn? That sounds very unlikely.
Some might have higher earning partners - some might earn the same or less than them. Some might not have partners!
Do the well earning partners all earn twice as much as your dp as you do the secretaries?

Autumnalday · 19/12/2023 09:04

xmasmoney · 19/12/2023 08:52

@Doggymummar i do want to. I have done in the past. We have no money at the moment and credit card debt. Being asked in this way I have found really uncomfortable

So you earn 'only' £63k a year and what does your DH/P earn? How do you 'have no money'? Even if you're on a single income, you earn more than many couples' combined income!

SutWytTi · 19/12/2023 09:05

No one should be pressured to spend money they don't have or can't spare.

The OP has £58 in their account and credit card debts. Therefore they don't have the money to spare at this time.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 19/12/2023 09:06

xmasmoney · 19/12/2023 09:02

@MargotBamborough i would usually do 10. I literally have 58 in my account until pay day

Sounds like you need some help with your budgeting skills tbh. Why are you so overstretched on a good income with a partner who works as well?

Seeline · 19/12/2023 09:06

If people's grown up kids are at uni, they will probably be paying out equal amounts as you each month. I know my 2 accommodation cost combined is not far short of £1500 a month, and there is more on top of that.

Floopani · 19/12/2023 09:06

xmasmoney · 19/12/2023 09:01

@easylikeasundaymorn yes but these people have partners too? And lots earning far more than my DP.

But your DP must be on about 25k at least or why are paying full time nursery at £1500? That gives you a joint income of 88k and a take home of around £5.6k a month.

Maray1967 · 19/12/2023 09:07

OP, just explain that ££ is very tight due to nursery fees etc and that you are not contributing to gifts that you can’t afford.

LittleGreenDragons · 19/12/2023 09:07

They are only chasing you because they want an answer. They aren't after a reason or a big long whiney answer, just either yes or no. It's not that difficult. Well, it shouldn't be if you are able to earn 63k.

Pigeonqueen · 19/12/2023 09:09

KimberleyClark · 19/12/2023 08:53

I almost stopped reading when you said you were only on £63k. The secretaries won’t be on much more than a third of your wage. I doubt the gifts will be expensive, maybe even chocolates for them to share. YABU.

This. £63k is a huge wage. You’re very out of touch if you think it isn’t.

Grimchmas · 19/12/2023 09:09

Honestly I have no sympathy. Yes nursery fees are high. But if your secretaries have been making it possible for you to do your job without drowning in admin, find £20 to chuck in the pot. A fiver if you really have to.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 19/12/2023 09:09

SutWytTi · 19/12/2023 09:05

No one should be pressured to spend money they don't have or can't spare.

The OP has £58 in their account and credit card debts. Therefore they don't have the money to spare at this time.

And that's fine, they just need to say so.

It isn't unreasonable for colleagues to assume that the OP could afford a small contribution on her very decent salary. They won't be aware that she is in debt and they would probably be very surprised to know that she only has £58 in her bank account. It's pretty reasonable to assume that, on that sort of income, people wouldn't usually be living hand to mouth.

Anisette · 19/12/2023 09:10

Joint income of £96,000. How you must suffer.

ttcat37 · 19/12/2023 09:10

“Only on £68k”, fuck me, how do you manage, get down the food bank! 🙄

It’s not about how much they’re paid. It’s the fact that they are your support staff and you’re thanking them for making the wheels go around at work for you all year. I imagine you’re not all chipping in for a Chanel bag. A couple of pounds each would buy a box of chocs and a bottle of plonk, it’s the thought that counts.