To think being asked for money at work like this is not ok?

[xmasmoney]

I don’t know if I’m feeling sensitive about money and actually this is totally reasonable…

We have one dc in full time nursery costing 1500 a month. I work for a professional services company and we have a lot of support staff. We are seen to be paid huge money. However I am only on 63k and we are struggling so much at the moment, some people more senior are on well over this with grown up dc. A month ago a Teams message was started by someone senior saying does anyone want to pitch in for a gift for the secretaries. I found this very inappropriate on teams as it was difficult to say no in a group chat.

I know the answer in practice is just don’t give anything if you can’t afford it but I’ve since been chased on a separate teams message asking if I am contributing and when I ignored that I got an email.

I feel this puts so much pressure on people and think it is massively inappropriate thing to do at work? Am I being a dick?

It's not inappropriate to ask on teams, really you should have sent a tenner op.

So glad I don't work in a big office now with all these politics and chipping in for this and that. It's such a waste of time and money. Also hate the them and us of having admin people, I'd rather just do it all myself.

Sorry but I lost you at "However I am only on 63k and we are struggling so much at the moment". How much do you think those secretaries get paid. Honestly, just chuck in a fiver. Asking via Teams or email, fine, but chasing privately isn't OK.

Our joint income is the same as your sole wage, paying FT nursery fees and a mortgage - and still put in £5 for the office cleaners Xmas present last week - she is the best person In the world and on NMW.

If you don't want to do it then don't but actually own the decision

Aw what a shame that you are only on £63k . And you can't put a few quid in for admin staff prezzies? Totally understand OP. Have you tried the local food bank ? Soup kitchen ? Bloody heck!

I didn't learn to say no till i was in my forties op.
I'm still finding my volume with it years later.
Use this opportunity to practise
'No I won't be contributing. I am unable to at present.'

Do you actually realise that you earn a very decent wage? Do you know what the average person is on? (Under £35k.) You obviously don’t if you say you are ‘only’ on £63k. Plus you have a partner.

Just say no you cannot afford it because of nursery fees. It's likely that many people with older DCs are not aware of how much childcare costs. They need to be educated about it.
Work gifts are pretty pointless anyway, how many people really need or appreciate a bottle of wine, box of chocs, toiletry set, or whatever. Much better to write a nice card with a few words expressing appreciation of their work.

I imagine most of the secretaries do too.

The thing is, OP, you've asked this question in the wrong place. Mumsnet is full of people who think that on a salary of 63k you should be able to light banknotes on fire and smoke them.

If you only have 58 quid in your bank account until pay day, that's all you have.

I won't speculate on why you only have that much in your account, because whilst I don't agree that 63k is a massive salary depending on where you live and what your outgoings are, this clearly isn't just about nursery fees.

You have four options.

1. Bung in a fiver.
2. Play dead until the person organising it gives up and goes and buys the gift, which surely must happen in the next few days anyway.
3. Say, "Sorry, I would love to contribute and as you know I usually do but my family is in dire financial circumstances at the moment so this year it's just not possible. Please ask me again next year though."
4. Ask the person organising it if they can put in a tenner for you and you pay them back on pay day.

To be quite honest even with 58 quid in my bank account I would stick in a fiver purely to avoid having to disclose my financial difficulties to a colleague.

Your problem isn't a whip round for the admin staff at Christmas, because contributing or not contributing a very small amount is not going to make any real difference to your financial circumstances.

I would suggest choosing one of the above options, then changing your username and making a post on the money matters board on here or the Money Saving Expert forums where you explain, anonymously and in detail, what circumstances have led to you having 58 quid in your bank account on a salary of 63k, and see if people can give you some actually useful advice about how to get out of that situation, because it sounds incredibly stressful.

That was my thought. £1500 a month leaves about £45,000 out of £63,000, and £14, 000 out of £33,000… some of the admin staff will have childcare bills too. You don’t get a reduced rate of anything just because you earn less.

You don’t have to contribute if you don’t want to, but it might be helpful for you to adjust your thinking in relation to your salary!

YABU to think you are alone in your circumstances and YABU to think it's acceptable to not reply to this persons messages, just say no if you can't or won't donate.

And once again on this thread, folks not on £63k show how absolutely clueless they are in regard to how much disposable income one is left with after tax, amd full childcare fees is taken off. Compared to getting 0/20% tax and 85% off childcare fees. The disposable income difference is really not as large as you might imagine. It still exists, yes, but I think you'd be surprised at how small it is.

Not her problem to resolve either is it?

And some support staff will be on over £50k in London, they were 20 years ago anyway.

I agree that things are difficult for so many people financially at the moment, especially for young families . However, imagine how much worse it will be for the admin staff on half of your salary .

Unrelated, but where I live, which is not in the UK, if you earn less you actually do pay less in childcare fees. It's a great system.

Your calculations are flawed though. You've forgotten to account for taxes and other deductions which may be wildly different. The difference in take home pay between those two salaries isn't as much as you claim, and may be even less if, for example, the person on the higher salary is making student loan repayments.

I'm not sure how much her DP earns but presumably earns at least £20k if he's working full time (and probably is if their child is in full time education). That's a household income of over £80k. That's a huge amount. How do they only have £58 in their account? That's some seriously bad budgeting issues.

Only 63k 🥲 getting my tiny violin out and sending thoughts and prayers

You seem rather over invested in what other people’s incomings and outgoings are. Knowing that the admin staff have partners on high wages or other people don’t have young children at home. I wonder if they know about your debt?

I think it's a little unfair to assume op is well off my dh is on 58k but I only earn 10k and after all bills etc we (if we are lucky) have around £200 spare. I know we are lucky to have a slight buffer but if the expectation was to give £50 to a whip round, at Xmas where that buffer money is covering extra food , pressies etc. I wouldn't want to either.

The thing is whilst some of those secretaries could be on a single income others could have a partner on 100k + so far better financially than the op.

And as someone said what about cleaners/caretakers etc who will probably be on min wage.

Fine to ask in a general way. Not fine to push it. I'd ignore or approach the person asking and explain you are struggling yourself financially (if you feel comfortable doing so)

YABU.

Respond to the message.

It's basic decency to buy a gift for people who have helped you all year at work.

Don't get a reputation as a cheap skate.

Mortgage/rent, commuting and basics along with child related costs wipe out so much money for all people with children.

If you are taking home this amount of money and struggling, the issue is not the financial reality if the country.

OP ignore these chippy messages... some people think that if you earn what looks like a good salary on paper then you are richer than god... if you have a type 2 student loan, plus tax, plus mortgage, plus childcare, etc it is not very much at all at the end of the month. But you get heaps of opprobrium if you say so.

A lot of the commenters (and your richer team members) are doubtless boomers who bought their 'cosy' three-bed for 28p in the 80's and have no idea how costs stack up... Personally I would want to give a tenner but I really don't blame you for feeling harangued, just say no.

Look they just want an answer. Tell them you're skint atm and simply don't have any money spare. Or ask someone to bung in a tenner for you and you'll give it back when you get paid.

I understand it can feel a bit embarrassing but if you don't have the coin then that's the way it is

This.

It's unbelievable honestly. The vast majority of people would give their right arm to earn as much as you. You can't be serious.