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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think being asked for money at work like this is not ok?

612 replies

xmasmoney · 19/12/2023 08:48

I don’t know if I’m feeling sensitive about money and actually this is totally reasonable…

We have one dc in full time nursery costing 1500 a month. I work for a professional services company and we have a lot of support staff. We are seen to be paid huge money. However I am only on 63k and we are struggling so much at the moment, some people more senior are on well over this with grown up dc. A month ago a Teams message was started by someone senior saying does anyone want to pitch in for a gift for the secretaries. I found this very inappropriate on teams as it was difficult to say no in a group chat.

I know the answer in practice is just don’t give anything if you can’t afford it but I’ve since been chased on a separate teams message asking if I am contributing and when I ignored that I got an email.

I feel this puts so much pressure on people and think it is massively inappropriate thing to do at work? Am I being a dick?

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 20/12/2023 07:56

Vintageport · 19/12/2023 19:03

They don’t, they give up work.

If you earn 1,300 and nursery is 1500, obviously that’s what you do.

Which indicates that while the op’s partner might earn less than her, he clearly earns more than £1500, otherwise he could give up work and they would be better off.

Show quote history

A few mums locally to me have either given up work for school years (yes I know MN says this is a carnal sin!) and one is a SAHM and the other is freelance but was SAHM. Both had jobs they could luckily return to (first was secondary school teacher).

Both cited childcare costs after having DC 2 as reasons for not returning or pausing returning to work.

Actually I was having a think last night. I work in central government and quite a few staff from DD level to my colleague who’s an EA have taken a salary cut and gone from private sector to government, presumably for perks of gov which are pension, flexi time and wfh. Obviously if children are nursery age that still has to be paid but you can sort/source wraparound childcare far easier so I’m told if you work gov hours compared to private sector.

CostelloJones · 20/12/2023 08:00

Our combined income doesn’t even come to 63k. We live in one of the most expensive areas in the UK and yes we have nursery fees too.

While I might not contribute every time I have no issue being asked, certainly wouldn’t be so uppity about it.

clpsmum · 20/12/2023 08:19

KimberleyClark · 19/12/2023 08:53

I almost stopped reading when you said you were only on £63k. The secretaries won’t be on much more than a third of your wage. I doubt the gifts will be expensive, maybe even chocolates for them to share. YABU.

Same

rookiemere · 20/12/2023 08:22

The secretary and admin support gifts are not to top up wages, it's a token of appreciation. Same way my boss paid for a few rounds in the bar - of course we can afford our own drinks, but it's her personal way of saying thank you for the effort we put in over the year.

That being said, I never expected it and would have been just as happy with a card with a few lines and a chocolate santa.

wednamenov · 20/12/2023 08:33

Threads like this give me hope that the Tories might be in their way out. Majority of the country has been struggling for years with those on higher incomes totally oblivious or not caring. If those on only 63k are feeling it too then ... well ... it gives me some hope.

1975wasthebest · 20/12/2023 08:37

Effectively topping up someone’s wage (even if it’s once a year) or gifting them a token appreciation, it’s the same thing. And in a work context, just weird to me that anyone would do that for someone they work with for doing the job they’re paid to do. My spare money goes to me, my family and friends. Do I really give a toss about my colleagues and their circumstances etc? No, but each to their own.

CrazyHedgehogLover · 20/12/2023 09:12

@Teder because everyone is only focusing on the “63k a year” so yes it does come across and green eyed and jealous, just because someone has that income doesn’t mean they can afford everything! It’s a silly assumption to have, especially if they have there own problems to deal with.

if this was someone on say a 16-20k a year they would be told to be sensible with there money and if they can’t afford it they can’t help that.

OP doesn’t have to give anything to anyone if she doesn’t have the means to do so, her family should come first and that’s right!

Roundaboot · 20/12/2023 09:15

I've taken the completely opposite view of this thread! All this talk of people on lower wages just need to work harder, buying someone a gift is "topping up their wages"...it's a total Tory-fest.

Brird · 20/12/2023 09:16

1975wasthebest · 20/12/2023 08:37

Effectively topping up someone’s wage (even if it’s once a year) or gifting them a token appreciation, it’s the same thing. And in a work context, just weird to me that anyone would do that for someone they work with for doing the job they’re paid to do. My spare money goes to me, my family and friends. Do I really give a toss about my colleagues and their circumstances etc? No, but each to their own.

Well, if you have a PA I'm guessing she knows your vibe and doesn't bother doing the extras that would make your life more comfortable. After all, thoughtfulness and kindness are for family and friends, not work colleagues.

wednamenov · 20/12/2023 09:17

Roundaboot · 20/12/2023 09:15

I've taken the completely opposite view of this thread! All this talk of people on lower wages just need to work harder, buying someone a gift is "topping up their wages"...it's a total Tory-fest.

buying someone a gift is "topping up their wages"...it's a total Tory-fest.

Oh crap. You're right.

Brird · 20/12/2023 09:19

rookiemere · 20/12/2023 08:22

The secretary and admin support gifts are not to top up wages, it's a token of appreciation. Same way my boss paid for a few rounds in the bar - of course we can afford our own drinks, but it's her personal way of saying thank you for the effort we put in over the year.

That being said, I never expected it and would have been just as happy with a card with a few lines and a chocolate santa.

Quite. It's ludicrous that a £50 voucher is being positioned as 'topping up wages'.

Brird · 20/12/2023 09:20

...or even less than £50 voucher. I'm an EA and got fancy chocolates this year. It's nice, it just acknowledges that some of the work I do is beyond what is strictly required by the role.

Roundaboot · 20/12/2023 09:22

Sometimes I hate being right! 😥

rookiemere · 20/12/2023 09:41

wednamenov · 20/12/2023 08:33

Threads like this give me hope that the Tories might be in their way out. Majority of the country has been struggling for years with those on higher incomes totally oblivious or not caring. If those on only 63k are feeling it too then ... well ... it gives me some hope.

Yes I'm sure many on higher wages will rush to vote for Labour - the party well known for giving higher rate tax payers who don't budget wisely more money in their pocket Hmm.

I'm in Scotland and pay even more tax than in England as the higher tax bracket hasn't increased for years, so even genuinely middle income earners are heavily penalised.

This thread has nothing to do with politics- or at least the OPs issues aren't.

wednamenov · 20/12/2023 09:49

It has EVERYTHING to do with politics if, as the OP says, the issue is not being able to make ends meet. Cost of living crisis, childcare costs, etc. Not to mention blasted Brexit and the impact on growth. People on 63k with an additional income too really should not be struggling. It's crazy that they are.

MargotBamborough · 20/12/2023 09:50

wednamenov · 20/12/2023 09:49

It has EVERYTHING to do with politics if, as the OP says, the issue is not being able to make ends meet. Cost of living crisis, childcare costs, etc. Not to mention blasted Brexit and the impact on growth. People on 63k with an additional income too really should not be struggling. It's crazy that they are.

This.

rookiemere · 20/12/2023 09:59

We don't know what OPs DP earns and what their other expenses are and how they budget.

It's still a bit of a stretch to think that someone in £63k is genuinely struggling, she may be finding things tight because her DC is at nursery but that is only for a few years.

I agree that prices have gone up enormously over the past year or so for a lot of reasons, but many of those are outside the control of the government.

I think we would need to see a full breakdown of OPs expenses before blaming the Conservatives for this.

wednamenov · 20/12/2023 10:17

And I don't think we should minimise the impact that the wreaking ball of Tory policies, lies and corruption has had on ordinary lives in the UK. I'm incredulous you're cutting them slack.

rookiemere · 20/12/2023 10:22

wednamenov · 20/12/2023 10:17

And I don't think we should minimise the impact that the wreaking ball of Tory policies, lies and corruption has had on ordinary lives in the UK. I'm incredulous you're cutting them slack.

I live in Scotland and pay much higher tax than the OP does on a similar income.
I'm not cutting the Tories slack as such, just slightly incredulous that anyone genuinely thinks any other party would leave the OP any better off financially.

PhulNana · 20/12/2023 10:22

rookiemere · 20/12/2023 09:59

We don't know what OPs DP earns and what their other expenses are and how they budget.

It's still a bit of a stretch to think that someone in £63k is genuinely struggling, she may be finding things tight because her DC is at nursery but that is only for a few years.

I agree that prices have gone up enormously over the past year or so for a lot of reasons, but many of those are outside the control of the government.

I think we would need to see a full breakdown of OPs expenses before blaming the Conservatives for this.

@rookiemere

It's still a bit of a stretch to think that someone in £63k is genuinely struggling,

My comment above saying as much in pithy terms has now got 30 thanks as of 10.20 today.

wednamenov · 20/12/2023 10:23

FWIW I'm in Scotland too. A neighbour had started a small business a decade or so ago that did well enough to employ both her and her DH and keep them in a decent life. Both worked really hard. 60% of it was trade with the EU. Brexit destroyed their business overnight and her husband has had to go back to his original occupation. Now life is not so good and their business is hobbling. That will be replicated over and over and over throughout the UK with severe consequences for us all. The Tories did that, on the back of lies. That's JUST the Brexit lies. But let's not be too hard on them...? Christ.

rookiemere · 20/12/2023 10:36

@wednamenov I hate Brexit as well and the Conservatives for making it happen. What happened to your neighbour is a tragedy.

But can't you see it's somewhat silly to say that if someone on £63k is struggling it's all the fault of the Tories ?

Yes cost of living has increased exponentially more than salaries and things such as childcare costs are more expensive as we have less foreign labour. But it's still a very hefty salary even before her DPs gets added on top, so it should be possible to manage and put a fiver in the admin staff collection.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 20/12/2023 11:34

rookiemere · 20/12/2023 08:22

The secretary and admin support gifts are not to top up wages, it's a token of appreciation. Same way my boss paid for a few rounds in the bar - of course we can afford our own drinks, but it's her personal way of saying thank you for the effort we put in over the year.

That being said, I never expected it and would have been just as happy with a card with a few lines and a chocolate santa.

The way I’ve been treated in secretarial and admin jobs re gifts I personally wouldn’t want any of them! Tokens of appreciation that is!

Worked my arse off as legal sec with no payrise but got well deserved xmas bonus and huge chocolate Easter egg every year for 5 years. When I left got fairly decent leaving gift plus flowers but this was after my boss begged me to stay and the other legal Pa who realised how much I’d done felt guilty so went out to buy me stuff, she told me this.

Other job, worked for a year for a twat of a boss and his son (who used to complain we weren’t typing audio whilst we covered reception, did we have 4 ears?!) boss used to shout at me, not put his hearing aid on and should’ve retired but didn’t do so. I happily left after a year. Got leaving gift but deserved it.

being treated with respect and fairly is worth more in my opinion/experience than tokens of appreciation!

CostelloJones · 20/12/2023 11:35

The thing that I find really frustrating

if it was someone who was earning £15k a year and saying “nursery fees are too high, I’ve got credit card debt” etc etc - then people would be piling on about living within your means, don’t have a child you can’t afford blah blah blah

because OP earns a significant salary there’s so much “well it’s still not that much, it is a struggle with cost of living” etc etc

double standards galore on here

Partypop · 20/12/2023 12:16

I still don’t understand how many on here can’t do the sums though, and are just saying oh £63k she’s loaded - so, £63k = approx £3,500 take home per month. Expenses could feasibly be £1,500 nursery fees, £1,500 mortgage (minimum!) then OP mentions credit card debt to pay back. That would take you up to £3,500. Then, you have all other bills - for me council tax and energy are about £500, then food and kids things, about £1k, then all other bills like phone, water, tv licence, maybe car petrol -could equal about £2k total which is another salary. Perfectly feasible that OP is struggling on £63k with no money left, especially with no help like bursary’s, child benefit, UC etc. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️.