To think being asked for money at work like this is not ok?

[xmasmoney]

I don’t know if I’m feeling sensitive about money and actually this is totally reasonable…

We have one dc in full time nursery costing 1500 a month. I work for a professional services company and we have a lot of support staff. We are seen to be paid huge money. However I am only on 63k and we are struggling so much at the moment, some people more senior are on well over this with grown up dc. A month ago a Teams message was started by someone senior saying does anyone want to pitch in for a gift for the secretaries. I found this very inappropriate on teams as it was difficult to say no in a group chat.

I know the answer in practice is just don’t give anything if you can’t afford it but I’ve since been chased on a separate teams message asking if I am contributing and when I ignored that I got an email.

I feel this puts so much pressure on people and think it is massively inappropriate thing to do at work? Am I being a dick?

So just say no.

They're chasing because you're ignoring them.

Stop ignoring them

Thanks but no, I'll make my own arrangements.

Then buy your secretary a small gift. Box of choco from Poundland
Sorted.

OP put in the fiver.

It is enough to not look mean and gets the collector off your back.
I have to say I do wonder if this all or nothing approach has contributed to your financial issues. A fiver is a definitely not nothing and I'm sure they would have a reasonable collection if everyone donated that amount.

I stopped reading at "only on £63k" as I needed to go and find my tiny violin.

Good money for a secretary, but still half of what you’re on.

If you don’t want to give just say no.

I’m not saying you’d be rolling in it but you have a second income.

Oh look, the competitive "look how little I earn" again! OP, you are struggling. You do not need to disclose how or why you aren't contributing, it's no one's business. The pressuring is inappropriate. £63k (or £80k joint income, not sure where that figure came from upthread) is not "loads" once you account for student loans, mortgage, childcare, and bills. Anyone who can't see why you might be struggling is being purposely opaque. FT nursery around here is £1800 amonth. Our mortgage has gone from £700 a month 5 years ago to £1200 a month today. We did our best to pick a mortgage that wouldn't overstretch us, even being (what we thought) was overly cautious about interest rates (ha). PP raging about earning £23k and having chilcare bills, are you not receiving UC (which pays 85% of chilcare bills)? Yes, I think you probably are and conveniently left that out to make OP look bad.

So what? If she hasn't got £10 this month, she hasn't got it.

And OP is making a rod for her own back by not replying to messages. If she'd just said "no" up front there'd be no need to chase her.

It's more than I earn but I can totally see how childcare fees would crush that! Lots of people will earn half that and have more disposable income. It's not what you earn but what you have to pay out.

Donate an amount of money you think is appropriate then stop worrying about it.

Do you think the men fret this much?

According to a basic take home pay calculator, if you are making student loan repayments then 63K nets you about 3500 per month, leaving you with 2000 per month after nursery fees.

We don't know how much your mortgage and other bills are or how much your partner earns. I guess most people are assuming your partner brings in more than 1500 per month because otherwise it would be more cost effective for them to stop work so you can save on nursery fees.

So, not enough details to say for sure and you don't have to provide them. But depending on your partner's income and your other outgoings, I can see how you might not have much left at the end of the month, especially if your mortgage repayments have recently gone up a lot.

Don't expect this to cut any ice with the Mumsnet "but you're a millionnnnnaaaaaiiiiiiire!" gang though.

@TinkerTiger I'm on 10k because my son and I are disabled. (Some of my income is carers allowance)

We can afford our situation because We live in a cheaper area for housing. We budget and have few luxuries.

It is patronising. I've been in that secretarial position (money wise) and I'd hate it.

She said the second income is small so I doubt they're paying 50/50, partners probably on similar to child care costs which means in essence she's effectively covering everything else and some childcare costs on her wages.

I think people should start these collections in October, not right in the middle of Xmas.

If she can't afford it, she can't afford it. But she needs to say no.

A group message welcoming contributions is fine, individual emails following up is awkward and I can see why you’re feeling uncomfortable. If you’re able to pay then just do it - the longer it carries on the more uncomfortable it’s going to be, and if you avoid paying people will remember. These things can kind of end up being more than what they first seem. If you’re in dire financial straits and to pay would genuinely leave you in difficulty though, I would be honest and send an apologetic email back saying that you’ve had some big bills this month and don’t have any spare cash (but then be sure to be generous and pay promptly next time there’s a collection). In a few years you’ll be more senior and on a higher wage too - maybe try to see it as an investment, being seen to be generous and caring about your team will only work in your favour.

How have you calculated that because I took home £3.5k per month on a FT salary of £65k after tax, NI, tiny pension contributions and student loan repayments on plan 1. Plan 2 repayments are higher, aren't they? You haven't accounted for pension contributions? How is the DP going to pay half if they earn so little?!

Yes, I said ‘about’, because clearly there are a lot of variables. Some people have more heavily subsidised child care but more children, people have different tax rates and accommodation costs etc.

Never the less, £63,000 is approaching twice the national average- that isn’t a salary to make you feel sorry for yourself and as if you are being hard done by.

I’m with you OP- I recently got asked to transfer a £10 to a colleagues account for another colleagues maternity present- even though the company gets her a gift. I was fuming but no way out of it.
im on a similar wage to you OP, and things are tight.

Laughing at only thing on 63K!

I work (temp) in central government and last year when one of the SEO’s left the DD’s footed her leaving party and one or both of them said she (the SEO) deserved it because the DD’s earned a lot more than them. And they’re right!

You’re bloody tight not to contribute a few pounds towards support staff who work just as hard if not harder than you.

If OP is on £3.5k and her DP on £1.5k (not sure how much he earns) a month then his wage covers childcare fees. Maybe they have a mortgage that's way too high for them?

Edit: Maybe they need to look to lower their costs eg downsizing to a house with a lower mortgage, buy cheaper to run cars instead of expensive cars on finance (if that's the case), cheaper phone contracts etc.

Yes it is a tad inappropriate but I guess a sign of the times with communicating. Yes your nursery bill is huge. But maybe look at other cutbacks because if downsizing, less expensive cars are an option I would do that. I don’t think the secretaries would have that option putting in £10 would be best.

No, of course it isn't. That is why I have said the OP shouldn't feel they have to buy gifts when they have no spare money.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers thanks. It’s upsetting to read people saying how can I not afford it on this salary. I don’t do anything lavish or buy clothes often but sadly when 2k a month is spent on your child with nursery, petrol, food, etc, it leaves very little for your own mortgage and life. I don’t even get child benefit. I have no idea why people think 63k ca stretch further than it does.

Unless I’ve missed some backstory (in which case I apologise) then it’s unfair to make assumptions that the OP is financially irresponsible to have ended up with £58 in their bank and/ or debts on a salary of > £60k a year.

Increased costs of living have affected most people. What could have been an affordable mortgage and running costs of a home may now not be, thanks to interest rates and energy price increases, etc. Unforseen costs may have led to debt and therefore higher debt servicing costs (also exacerbated by high interest rates).

Of course, it may be because the OP has expensive taste and spends beyond their means but I wouldn’t like to make that assumption.

I agree that there should be a gesture of appreciation for the support staff, but there shouldn’t be pressure on other staff to do so financially. Ultimately it is the business that benefits from the work of the support staff. Yes, they make the OP’s life easier because they take on some administrative burden, but the business is the one benefitting from the extra time the OP has to do their actual job.

If people are able to contribute and wish to do so, then they should but no individual should be made to feel bad for not doing so.

@Starryskies1 downside because of nursery?

I don’t need to downside, I just need not to be asked for money for things like this while things are very tight. As I said, I have 58 left and I am paid on Friday.