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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think being asked for money at work like this is not ok?

612 replies

xmasmoney · 19/12/2023 08:48

I don’t know if I’m feeling sensitive about money and actually this is totally reasonable…

We have one dc in full time nursery costing 1500 a month. I work for a professional services company and we have a lot of support staff. We are seen to be paid huge money. However I am only on 63k and we are struggling so much at the moment, some people more senior are on well over this with grown up dc. A month ago a Teams message was started by someone senior saying does anyone want to pitch in for a gift for the secretaries. I found this very inappropriate on teams as it was difficult to say no in a group chat.

I know the answer in practice is just don’t give anything if you can’t afford it but I’ve since been chased on a separate teams message asking if I am contributing and when I ignored that I got an email.

I feel this puts so much pressure on people and think it is massively inappropriate thing to do at work? Am I being a dick?

OP posts:
shearwater2 · 19/12/2023 09:29

Vintageport · 19/12/2023 09:26

That was my thought. £1500 a month leaves about £45,000 out of £63,000, and £14, 000 out of £33,000… some of the admin staff will have childcare bills too. You don’t get a reduced rate of anything just because you earn less.

You don’t have to contribute if you don’t want to, but it might be helpful for you to adjust your thinking in relation to your salary!

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They pay less tax, get tax credit, likely work fewer hours than the OP and have less stress though. Swings and roundabouts.

Original poster
xmasmoney · 19/12/2023 09:30

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 19/12/2023 09:06

Sounds like you need some help with your budgeting skills tbh. Why are you so overstretched on a good income with a partner who works as well?

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@MrsBennetsPoorNerves because of nursery fees. Have a look at 63k a month after tax and student loans. Budgeting makes not a jot of difference when there are huge bills you have to pay, nursery being one of them. The fact we are managing that is an achievement in itself!

OP posts:
SutWytTi · 19/12/2023 09:30

KimberleyClark · 19/12/2023 09:25

I imagine most of the secretaries do too.

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Do you? I don't know any of the secretaries and don't think it is sensible to imagine as they could be in any situation at all.

Outforlunchallday · 19/12/2023 09:30

Regardless of how much the OP earns she cannot afford to contribute at this time for whatever reason and it’s unreasonable for them to keep pestering her for money.
However OP. I would contribute a tenner to get them off your back and then your stress about it all will be gone.

Roundaboot · 19/12/2023 09:30

myphoneisbroken · 19/12/2023 08:57

Honestly it's not inappropriate, it's normal. All you need to do is say "I'm going to sit this one out". You are just creating more work for the person who has kindly taken on the extra work of organising the gift and is now having to chase you and probably other colleagues.

Exactly this. Some poor sod is running around trying to do a nice thing and organise a whip round and buy gifts and is now stuck chasing people up so they know what budget they have, all because you don't have the balls to say "I won't be contributing this year"

SunRainStorm · 19/12/2023 09:30

You can afford it. Don't be ridiculous.

It's irrelevant if their partners are billionaires, it's about showing appreciation for their work.

If you're too 'broke' to kick in £10 for the joint gift, then I hope you're making then cookies or giving them a card to say thank you.

ssd · 19/12/2023 09:30

Only on 63k @xmasmoney ??

Good lord, the hardship you read about on mn.

KimberleyClark · 19/12/2023 09:31

shearwater2 · 19/12/2023 09:27

Not her problem to resolve either is it?

And some support staff will be on over £50k in London, they were 20 years ago anyway.

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I didn’t say it was her problem to resolve. Just making the point that the secretaries will have similar outgoings and they earn much less than her. And none of them will be on £50k. The Op said the one of them, presumably the highest paid, is on £33k.

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 19/12/2023 09:31

Well 'only on 63k' is interesting, although I guess we all have different outgoings.
Regarding the question just say 'yes, I'll contribute' or 'no, I won't be contributing', no need for detailed explanations. Your financial situation is your business.

Original poster
xmasmoney · 19/12/2023 09:31

MargotBamborough · 19/12/2023 09:25

The thing is, OP, you've asked this question in the wrong place. Mumsnet is full of people who think that on a salary of 63k you should be able to light banknotes on fire and smoke them.

If you only have 58 quid in your bank account until pay day, that's all you have.

I won't speculate on why you only have that much in your account, because whilst I don't agree that 63k is a massive salary depending on where you live and what your outgoings are, this clearly isn't just about nursery fees.

You have four options.

  1. Bung in a fiver.
  2. Play dead until the person organising it gives up and goes and buys the gift, which surely must happen in the next few days anyway.
  3. Say, "Sorry, I would love to contribute and as you know I usually do but my family is in dire financial circumstances at the moment so this year it's just not possible. Please ask me again next year though."
  4. Ask the person organising it if they can put in a tenner for you and you pay them back on pay day.

To be quite honest even with 58 quid in my bank account I would stick in a fiver purely to avoid having to disclose my financial difficulties to a colleague.

Your problem isn't a whip round for the admin staff at Christmas, because contributing or not contributing a very small amount is not going to make any real difference to your financial circumstances.

I would suggest choosing one of the above options, then changing your username and making a post on the money matters board on here or the Money Saving Expert forums where you explain, anonymously and in detail, what circumstances have led to you having 58 quid in your bank account on a salary of 63k, and see if people can give you some actually useful advice about how to get out of that situation, because it sounds incredibly stressful.

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@MargotBamborough i thought a fiver was worse than not contributing… I will send over a fiver. Feels very insignificant though

OP posts:
SutWytTi · 19/12/2023 09:32

shearwater2 · 19/12/2023 09:29

They pay less tax, get tax credit, likely work fewer hours than the OP and have less stress though. Swings and roundabouts.

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Ooof, I don't think you can be sure they have less stress, and they may also be in very difficult financial situations. They don't necessarily get any financial support.

However the OP has stated they don't have money spare, and no one should be pressured to buy gifts when they are already stretched.

WavingCatsandDogs · 19/12/2023 09:32

xmasmoney · 19/12/2023 08:55

@NigelHarmansNewWife the person has asked for a transfer to be made to their account.

Yes there is a small second income but equally many of the secretaries have partners with bigger incomes.

it’s more that I feel the way it’s been asked is really inappropriate.

Maybe all the senior staff are as stingy as you and they know they won't get much?

shearwater2 · 19/12/2023 09:32

Roundaboot · 19/12/2023 09:30

Exactly this. Some poor sod is running around trying to do a nice thing and organise a whip round and buy gifts and is now stuck chasing people up so they know what budget they have, all because you don't have the balls to say "I won't be contributing this year"

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Some "poor sod" is making a rod for their backs. If someone doesn't want to contribute after the first time you've asked then you leave it, you don't repeatedly pester them.

NoraLuka · 19/12/2023 09:32

I saw the ´only 63k’ and clicked YABU, didn’t even read the rest!

MargotBamborough · 19/12/2023 09:33

Autumnalday · 19/12/2023 09:28

I'm not sure how much her DP earns but presumably earns at least £20k if he's working full time (and probably is if their child is in full time education). That's a household income of over £80k. That's a huge amount. How do they only have £58 in their account? That's some seriously bad budgeting issues.

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The point is, we don't know why.

She might have that much in her bank account because her husband has spent the rest on gambling, or because their house was burgled and it turned out their home insurance was invalid, or they might just be crap with money. Either way, regardless of how good or bad the reason is why they only have 58 quid until pay day, it doesn't solve her immediate problem which is that she only has 58 quid until pay day.

These threads always go the same way.

shearwater2 · 19/12/2023 09:34

SutWytTi · 19/12/2023 09:32

Ooof, I don't think you can be sure they have less stress, and they may also be in very difficult financial situations. They don't necessarily get any financial support.

However the OP has stated they don't have money spare, and no one should be pressured to buy gifts when they are already stretched.

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But it's not the OP's business to worry about how much stress or debt someone else has in their personal life, or to sort it out for them.

Mrsttcno1 · 19/12/2023 09:34

OP I actually think a group chat is the best way to go about it, it would be much more pressure I think (and admin burden) for someone to send a teams message to each person individually asking for a contribution?

Original poster
xmasmoney · 19/12/2023 09:34

@Autumnalday @MargotBamborough i genuinely cant understand how 1,550 on nursery fees (after the tax free part), doesn’t explain why I have no money left at the end of the month? 63k after tax and student loans is not much more than that and I have a mortgage, food, petrol costs. Do people think 63k is easily covering this stuff because sadly it is very tight

OP posts:
MargotBamborough · 19/12/2023 09:34

xmasmoney · 19/12/2023 09:31

@MargotBamborough i thought a fiver was worse than not contributing… I will send over a fiver. Feels very insignificant though

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I know what you mean but hopefully at least it will put a stop to the requests.

I doubt anyone will challenge you over the amount and you can always go back to contributing more next year when hopefully you have got yourself back on more of an even keel financially.

TinkerTiger · 19/12/2023 09:34

autienotnaughty · 19/12/2023 09:28

I think it's a little unfair to assume op is well off my dh is on 58k but I only earn 10k and after all bills etc we (if we are lucky) have around £200 spare. I know we are lucky to have a slight buffer but if the expectation was to give £50 to a whip round, at Xmas where that buffer money is covering extra food , pressies etc. I wouldn't want to either.

The thing is whilst some of those secretaries could be on a single income others could have a partner on 100k + so far better financially than the op.

And as someone said what about cleaners/caretakers etc who will probably be on min wage.

Fine to ask in a general way. Not fine to push it. I'd ignore or approach the person asking and explain you are struggling yourself financially (if you feel comfortable doing so)

But I'm assuming you're on 10k because you are part time, which you are able to do because of your partner's earnings. Do you not see that?

shearwater2 · 19/12/2023 09:34

MargotBamborough · 19/12/2023 09:33

The point is, we don't know why.

She might have that much in her bank account because her husband has spent the rest on gambling, or because their house was burgled and it turned out their home insurance was invalid, or they might just be crap with money. Either way, regardless of how good or bad the reason is why they only have 58 quid until pay day, it doesn't solve her immediate problem which is that she only has 58 quid until pay day.

These threads always go the same way.

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Exactly.

Melodyy · 19/12/2023 09:35

Typical mumsnet

People see 63K and start going into a frenzy ignoring the rest of the thread.
Give it a rest already, its exhausting.

Autumnalday · 19/12/2023 09:35

Coastalwalks · 19/12/2023 09:28

OP ignore these chippy messages... some people think that if you earn what looks like a good salary on paper then you are richer than god... if you have a type 2 student loan, plus tax, plus mortgage, plus childcare, etc it is not very much at all at the end of the month. But you get heaps of opprobrium if you say so.

A lot of the commenters (and your richer team members) are doubtless boomers who bought their 'cosy' three-bed for 28p in the 80's and have no idea how costs stack up... Personally I would want to give a tenner but I really don't blame you for feeling harangued, just say no.

She has a take home pay of over £3.5k a month after tax and student loan payment 2 (if she pays that). Plus whatever her DP earns. Presumably they pay half each for bills and childcare. Unless the £63k is after tax? I'm a millennial/gen z. Many people earn a lot less than OP and still have childcare costs and mortgage...

48ish · 19/12/2023 09:36

Take ownership back and offer to start a PayPal pool. We do this at work. Everyone's given the link and they can choose whether to give or not. You can also give anonymously so no one will ever know if you did or didn't. PayPal takes a fee and the money sits in your PayPal account until it's transferred to a bank account but as everyone can see how much has been raised, it's still accountable and above board.

I always do this now for collections. It takes all the pressure off people.

TheHolyGrailSpeaks · 19/12/2023 09:36

Just say you’re doing your own thing as it’s more personal (then either don’t or get them a box of biscuits to share later).

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