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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just ask for the money?

213 replies

Lizsrss · 19/12/2023 07:42

I feel like I probably am being unfair. My parents never really worked full time or with any need due to inheritance. They have two homes owned outright and two mortgages buy to lets which are income for them now they are officially retired. They do not have a lot of income and I understand the inheritance has always gone into the properties.

Anyway I’ve had a tough year. They’ve helped me out in the past and I do have the odd 500 quid every so often which I know is very generous. I have recently gone through a separation and my mortgage is 1,100. I could look at moving but obviously comes with it’s own issues like being near dc school and having stamp duty ready which I don’t. I was going to ask if they would give me an amount to reduce the repayments as mortgage is coming up for renewal. Around 50k would reduce then to 780 a month which would be a big help. I’ve checked new interest rates etc.

would this be insanely cheeky? Is it unfair to even ask? I am struggling with the mental stress of being single with dc (yes I have maintenance). It just feels so stressful. What would you do?

OP posts:
IMustDoMoreExercise · 19/12/2023 14:28

Lizsrss · 19/12/2023 09:27

@FiveShelties wasn’t an intentional drip feed.

Thanks for the replies. Think I will ask if they could help at all and not put a figure on it.

Yes, just ask them. If you don't ask they won't know that you are struggling.

GenevièveSapha · 19/12/2023 15:05

If you cannot afford your current lodgings... then find something more affordable... just my .02...

IdealisticCynic · 19/12/2023 15:21

DriftingDora · 19/12/2023 12:20

'Frankly, I’m still aghast at how many people ask their children to pay rent once they hit 18'. It's called learning about how life works, that you need to pay rent, mortgage, bills. It's amazing what people can learn from the experience - and it has the added bonus of helping them to develop a mature and responsible outlook and not sound like an entitled ass by assuming everyone's mummy and daddy have the wherewithal/would be fine about bailing them out....

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I didn’t assume everyone’s parents have the ability to assist - I just don’t understand those who can help their children not doing so. And the OP’s parents sound like they can help.

And yes, I am a fully functioning adult who has a successful career and pay my mortgage and bills etc, despite my parents let me live with them rent free after uni (during which time I paid off my student loans and built up a deposit for a house) - fancy that! I’m not entitled, I am hugely grateful.

I will do exactly the same for my children too, if they need it. What is money for if not to help your children - IF - you can afford it?

horseyhorsey17 · 19/12/2023 15:34

IdealisticCynic · 19/12/2023 15:21

I didn’t assume everyone’s parents have the ability to assist - I just don’t understand those who can help their children not doing so. And the OP’s parents sound like they can help.

And yes, I am a fully functioning adult who has a successful career and pay my mortgage and bills etc, despite my parents let me live with them rent free after uni (during which time I paid off my student loans and built up a deposit for a house) - fancy that! I’m not entitled, I am hugely grateful.

I will do exactly the same for my children too, if they need it. What is money for if not to help your children - IF - you can afford it?

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I agree in the sense that I fully intend to help my own children, and have been putting money aside to this effect since they were born.

However, lots of the older generation don't/won't help their kids even if they could. My parents have viewed me as financially independent since I was 18. I was not financially independent at 18! But had to get by somehow as wasn't given any other options. I'd NEVER do that to my kids. But in their (partial) defence, I think there's a genuine belief among the baby boom generation that things have been financially easier for younger generations, whereas the truth is that they've been harder.

Crafthead · 19/12/2023 15:59

I think paying rent is a life lesson in budgeting. Given my 18 yr old DD on her apprenticeship earns more than me, getting a paltry £90/ month in rent for food, lifts, to cover car payments she's missed due to excessive eyelash spending, festivals, holidays & boozing etc from her £30k salary seems reasonable...

horseyhorsey17 · 19/12/2023 16:05

Crafthead · 19/12/2023 15:59

I think paying rent is a life lesson in budgeting. Given my 18 yr old DD on her apprenticeship earns more than me, getting a paltry £90/ month in rent for food, lifts, to cover car payments she's missed due to excessive eyelash spending, festivals, holidays & boozing etc from her £30k salary seems reasonable...

It's a lot better than being kicked out to fend for yourself at 18 and pay market rate rents! I think it's completely fair to charge rent, if your offspring is earning reasonable money.

FictionalCharacter · 19/12/2023 16:12

Hang on, they gave you 40k towards your first home, they sometimes give you 500 to help you, and you want them to give you another 50k? Sorry but that's greedy. They helped you generously towards your first home. They have done more than your bit.

Mich05 · 19/12/2023 17:53

I wouldn't want to ask my parents for £50 never mind 50 thousand 😳 I think that is massively unreasonable, personally I would look to downsizing or moving area to somewhere more affordable, I'm sure if they could then afford to help you out they would offer themselves

WhichIsItWendy · 19/12/2023 19:48

Lizsrss · 19/12/2023 08:32

@WhichIsItWendy this is how I feel about it, I know it’s not ‘my’ money, but they were gifted hundreds of thousands a long time ago so have never experienced money worries ever.

Exactly. Yes, it's not "your money" but it's not really theirs either. Well, it is, but they didn't earn it.

I don't understand the likes of your parents. My parents don't have loads but would always give if I needed it. And I feel the same towards my children; I'm already planning to downsize when my kids are old enough to need deposits.

I guess generosity is a learned quality, as well as a personal trait. Your parents have been very lucky in life, the decent thing would be for them to pass some of that luck on to their loved ones.

pinkyredrose · 20/12/2023 10:23

WhichIsItWendy · 19/12/2023 19:48

Exactly. Yes, it's not "your money" but it's not really theirs either. Well, it is, but they didn't earn it.

I don't understand the likes of your parents. My parents don't have loads but would always give if I needed it. And I feel the same towards my children; I'm already planning to downsize when my kids are old enough to need deposits.

I guess generosity is a learned quality, as well as a personal trait. Your parents have been very lucky in life, the decent thing would be for them to pass some of that luck on to their loved ones.

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not really thiers? 🤔

RandomButtons · 20/12/2023 14:19

WhichIsItWendy · 19/12/2023 19:48

Exactly. Yes, it's not "your money" but it's not really theirs either. Well, it is, but they didn't earn it.

I don't understand the likes of your parents. My parents don't have loads but would always give if I needed it. And I feel the same towards my children; I'm already planning to downsize when my kids are old enough to need deposits.

I guess generosity is a learned quality, as well as a personal trait. Your parents have been very lucky in life, the decent thing would be for them to pass some of that luck on to their loved ones.

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What don’t you understand? The parents inherited well and passed on at least £40k to the OP, and presumably a similar amount to the sibling.

We don’t know how much was inherited. Say it was £500k - hell of a lot. They invested in property (very wise) and gave chunks to OP and sibling. OP will presumably inherit well when her parents pass away.

Or is £40,000 not a very generous gift in your eyes? OP says nothing about what lifestyle her parents are living, how old they are, or what their plans are if they need care.

Yes of course it’s lovely when parents can support adult children through thier lives, but these parents already have, and support should never be demanded or asked from a sense of entitlement.

Bigcat25 · 20/12/2023 15:18

What you could do is ask if they'd be willing to put in for a share of your home worth 50k, however so they have 50k in cash, ie is all their funds in real estate? It might require the getting a LOC.

SmudgeButt · 21/12/2023 06:25

I asked a similar question and was told no despite my mom actually telling me she has just sold a property and wasn't sure what to do with the money. Extra awkward as she's helped 2 of my brothers.

The only way I'd do it is to suggest they buy the property from you and you pay "rent" which would go towards you paying them back. But it'd be best if somehow they came up with the idea.

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