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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just ask for the money?

213 replies

Lizsrss · 19/12/2023 07:42

I feel like I probably am being unfair. My parents never really worked full time or with any need due to inheritance. They have two homes owned outright and two mortgages buy to lets which are income for them now they are officially retired. They do not have a lot of income and I understand the inheritance has always gone into the properties.

Anyway I’ve had a tough year. They’ve helped me out in the past and I do have the odd 500 quid every so often which I know is very generous. I have recently gone through a separation and my mortgage is 1,100. I could look at moving but obviously comes with it’s own issues like being near dc school and having stamp duty ready which I don’t. I was going to ask if they would give me an amount to reduce the repayments as mortgage is coming up for renewal. Around 50k would reduce then to 780 a month which would be a big help. I’ve checked new interest rates etc.

would this be insanely cheeky? Is it unfair to even ask? I am struggling with the mental stress of being single with dc (yes I have maintenance). It just feels so stressful. What would you do?

OP posts:
bookworm1982 · 19/12/2023 11:54

OP isn’t struggling. She’d just like an easier life.

Pretty sure being a single mum to DC is a struggle.

skyeisthelimit · 19/12/2023 12:04

OP, YANBU. There are hundreds of threads on here about how parents should help their DC and not charge them rent, or help them through Uni, or with a house deposit.

Your parents are fortunate to be in those circumstance. I wouldn't ask them for a sum of money, but explain your situation and ask if there is any way that they could help you. They could lend/give you the money (for mortgage purposes it would have to be a gift though). They could buy a share of the house. There are several options, but they could have other implications, so they should take legal advice.

When my XH left, I was several K short of the amount that I needed to re-mortgage to stay here. I asked my brother to come on the mortgage with me, or if they could borrow and lend it to me, (I could afford it as had been paying far more on previous mortgage), but him and my parents chose to gift me the money (he inherits the family business, so on paper will end up with far more than me and I have understood this since childhood).

I WFH and by them helping me to keep my property, it meant that I also kept my office, and was also one less disruption for DD who was only 4 when her father walked out. It enabled me to build my business up and to be able to provide for me and DD.

Any decent parent, who has the funds, would probably want to help their DC out.

As you say their wills can reflect whatever they do, so that your brother still gets an equal share.

My parents took the view that it was better to help me when I really needed it, rather than leave me money when they go, which would be several years down the line.

ManateeFair · 19/12/2023 12:04

Well, yes, 'Can I have fifty grand?' is indeed cheeky.

But you presumably understand the dynamic with your parents better than the rest of us, and presumably have an idea of how the request might be received. And also how you'd feel if they said no, which they'd obviously be more than entitled to do.

However, you presumably don't know what they've actually got sitting in the bank. They own properties but that doesn't mean they've got lump sums of cash hanging around that they don't need.

Princessfluffy · 19/12/2023 12:10

They are your parents and you are struggling. It's fine to ask them for money.

Be prepared that they may say no and if so try to respect their decision, especially if it would leave them struggling themselves to help you. Maybe there are a range of things they could do to help you.

notlucreziaborgia · 19/12/2023 12:19

I don’t think it’s cheeky tbh. It depends on your relationship with your parent, and you know them better than anyone here does OP.

It doesn’t matter that other people can’t ask their parents, or that their parents wouldn’t be able to help if they did. That doesn’t mean that you can’t, or that your parents aren’t. You’re not obliged to suck it up in solidarity!

DriftingDora · 19/12/2023 12:20

IdealisticCynic · 19/12/2023 08:18

They have 4 properties! I know my parents would be fine if I asked and would likely give me the money even if it meant selling one of their properties to help me and their grandchildren out. I know I would absolutely do the same for my DC. We don’t really understand the point of money, if not to help out your children.

But if I’ve learned anything from MN, it’s that not all families behave like ours - for us children, even adult children, are always the priority. Frankly, I’m still aghast at how many people ask their children to pay rent once they hit 18.

Only you know your parents and how they would react to you asking though. Given that they are in their excellent financial position as a result of inheritance rather than their own work, I would hope they would be more understanding.

'Frankly, I’m still aghast at how many people ask their children to pay rent once they hit 18'. It's called learning about how life works, that you need to pay rent, mortgage, bills. It's amazing what people can learn from the experience - and it has the added bonus of helping them to develop a mature and responsible outlook and not sound like an entitled ass by assuming everyone's mummy and daddy have the wherewithal/would be fine about bailing them out....

notlucreziaborgia · 19/12/2023 12:20

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 19/12/2023 10:25

OP isn’t struggling. She’d just like an easier life.

similar to PP who gave money to save sons business. The OP int losing her house, she just wants to pay less.

Show quote history

So?

Grammarnut · 19/12/2023 12:24

WhichIsItWendy · 19/12/2023 08:31

Given they've had a MASSIVE step up due to a generous relative, I think it's fair enough to ask if they're willing to pay on the favour and help you out a little (and a lot less than they received).

If they say no, then they say no, but it's hardly cheeky to ask, especially when they've had a huge helping hand in the past that's enabled an easy lifestyle.

Why is it fair that they should hand over what they inherited? They should be investing it for their future, which is likely to include care costs as they age. There seems to be some objection to having an inheritance which I do not understand. If you inherit something it becomes yours, unless it is an entailed inheritance which is in trust (which they would not be able to give away anyway). The OP is not entitled to that inheritance in any way and they have already had 40k. I am a baby boomer, and have given money for deposits and understand the need, but I also know that I struggled as a young person and so did my contemporaries. Mortgages were outrageously expensive (15% in the mid-80s) and we mostly did not have parents who could lend, let alone give, deposits. Struggle to buy a house, to get started in your job is universal and happens to every generation. Family helps if it can, but mostly it cannot and expecting aging parents (who, not have never, according to OP, needed to work - you should try running BTL - which seems to be a bone of contention) to cut their income in later life is not just cheeky, it is selfish.

horseyhorsey17 · 19/12/2023 12:52

Grammarnut · 19/12/2023 12:24

Why is it fair that they should hand over what they inherited? They should be investing it for their future, which is likely to include care costs as they age. There seems to be some objection to having an inheritance which I do not understand. If you inherit something it becomes yours, unless it is an entailed inheritance which is in trust (which they would not be able to give away anyway). The OP is not entitled to that inheritance in any way and they have already had 40k. I am a baby boomer, and have given money for deposits and understand the need, but I also know that I struggled as a young person and so did my contemporaries. Mortgages were outrageously expensive (15% in the mid-80s) and we mostly did not have parents who could lend, let alone give, deposits. Struggle to buy a house, to get started in your job is universal and happens to every generation. Family helps if it can, but mostly it cannot and expecting aging parents (who, not have never, according to OP, needed to work - you should try running BTL - which seems to be a bone of contention) to cut their income in later life is not just cheeky, it is selfish.

Show quote history

Where does it say she's a young person? She could be in her 40s. Statistically (and obviously speaking generally) every generation born from the late 70s onwards has been financially worse off than their parents.

My mum, as a single parent, bought a 3-bed house in Cheltenham in 1979 on a part-time dentist's salary. Yes mortgages were higher but houses were WAY cheaper, especially as a percentage of salary. It was normal for entire households to be comfortably supported on one salary up until at least the end of the 80s. That hasn't been the case for years now. I just don't think the baby boom generation gets this, as this isn't something they've experienced themselves. My parents certainly never have. They think my (slightly above average) salary means I am comfortably off, as they were at my age, but unfortunately, with two teenagers and a mortage etc, it very much does not!

gentlemum · 19/12/2023 13:09

I think this is not the best place to ask if you're being unreasonable as I think most people would say feel it's crazy to ask your parents for so much money. From your subsequent replies you've already been given £40,000 plus all the £500 here and there over the last year. I think it's clear you're living a life beyond your means and that is the root the problem. As an adult, and a role model for your children, you should be changing your life to live more independently rather than asking for huge amounts of money.

Pinky2121 · 19/12/2023 13:14

I would sell and source a less expensive property. If children have to walk a little further to school -good for their health. Or maybe catch a bus. Helping out is one thing expecting them to solve your problem is another. Have to find another way to live within your means.

1mabon · 19/12/2023 13:22

You've got a blooming cheek.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/12/2023 13:25

IdealisticCynic · 19/12/2023 08:18

They have 4 properties! I know my parents would be fine if I asked and would likely give me the money even if it meant selling one of their properties to help me and their grandchildren out. I know I would absolutely do the same for my DC. We don’t really understand the point of money, if not to help out your children.

But if I’ve learned anything from MN, it’s that not all families behave like ours - for us children, even adult children, are always the priority. Frankly, I’m still aghast at how many people ask their children to pay rent once they hit 18.

Only you know your parents and how they would react to you asking though. Given that they are in their excellent financial position as a result of inheritance rather than their own work, I would hope they would be more understanding.

I agree with this.

It sounds like they have a low income day to day but have capital.

This is inherited wealth so in a way family money. It really needs to be invested in a way that means it carries on to the next generation, not just enables one generation never to work.

Welcome2thecircus · 19/12/2023 13:25

Personally I'd never ask. Parents have already sacrificed and paid for their children, this is their retirement.

If you have an open and honest relationship then perhaps get their advice on how best to manage your finances. I'm divorced and had to sell my home 50/50 then saved and bought a new one.

You can absolutely do this but yes it will mean some degree of change/adjustment.

Sweetnessoflife · 19/12/2023 13:26

What you could do is borrow the £50k and pay it back monthly, pay back a little each month at first, as things improve financially, increase the payments, that way they can see that you are doing your best to keep your home and they are able to help you out as well, especially as your interest would be reduced

Genni01 · 19/12/2023 13:33

.

gamerchick · 19/12/2023 13:39

I couldn't imagine asking for huge chunks of change like that.

I would however ask for advice, they obviously know their way around the housing thing and mortgages. They might be able to help that way or see if it's worth selling and getting somewhere cheaper.

missmollygreen · 19/12/2023 13:46

Scarletttulips · 19/12/2023 07:44

Well you can ask and they could say no.

Why not approach the subject in a health/stress related way and see where that gets you?

.

missmollygreen · 19/12/2023 13:47

This is so grabby.
You should not be putting your elderly, retired parents into financial hardship just to reduce your mortgage by a few hundred pounds

Heronwatcher · 19/12/2023 13:55

They have already given you 40k and you want another 50k?

Sorry but they are retired, as you say they might need it. Plus it sounds like you wouldn’t ever be in a position to pay it back. You need to reduce your outgoings by moving house- kids move schools all the time, it’s not the end of the world, I bet you’d still be close to family and could see them regularly and it sounds like you’ve not really even given it serious consideration. You wouldn’t have to have no mortgage just a smaller one. Living within your means is an important example to set your kids.

honeyandfizz · 19/12/2023 14:10

😮

christologymum · 19/12/2023 14:10

What about asking them to invest in your property, I've thought about doing the same to buy my ex out. Rather than a hand out you could ask a solicitor to draw something up to say they have put ££ in and they will get it back when you sell with the increase in line with house value? So it's not giving more loaning and they should get more back?

I've not actually spoke to anyone legal about this just something I was floating, so not sure if viable but might be something to consider.

piccola15 · 19/12/2023 14:10

My parents aren't as wealthy as yours at all but they have been able to help us out which has meant we have all been able to buy our own homes. When I was a single parent my sister came and lived in my flat and paid my mortgage while I stayed at my parents' rent free. So they helped me out a lot, I was in dire straits to be honest! Luckily I got back on my feet after a year or so and now need no more help. So this is a long way of asking, might they put you up for a while and perhaps you could pay off some of the mortgage with the rental income you will make? Of course that would only work if they lived nearby. That way maybe you can get back on your feet without having to ask for such a large amount? Or perhaps just sit with them and ask for them to discuss / advise you on your predicament. They might have suggestions you haven't thought of x

Hivernal · 19/12/2023 14:16

horseyhorsey17 · 19/12/2023 12:52

Where does it say she's a young person? She could be in her 40s. Statistically (and obviously speaking generally) every generation born from the late 70s onwards has been financially worse off than their parents.

My mum, as a single parent, bought a 3-bed house in Cheltenham in 1979 on a part-time dentist's salary. Yes mortgages were higher but houses were WAY cheaper, especially as a percentage of salary. It was normal for entire households to be comfortably supported on one salary up until at least the end of the 80s. That hasn't been the case for years now. I just don't think the baby boom generation gets this, as this isn't something they've experienced themselves. My parents certainly never have. They think my (slightly above average) salary means I am comfortably off, as they were at my age, but unfortunately, with two teenagers and a mortage etc, it very much does not!

Show quote history

From OPs own posts (gifted 40k 8 years ago, later says that at the time she was gifted the 40k she was 22) she looks to be about 30 which is pretty young.

I think the average age of a first time buyer is somewhere in the mid 30s so comparatively speaking OP in a good position for her age as she already has a solid chunk of equity.

Southpoint · 19/12/2023 14:24

I believe that well off / wealthy elderly parents if they are in the position should help. I imagine the money will be yours one day so why not help you now when you need it. However, if they would struggle themselves even if looking well off you should not ask for such help. Only they know and I guess you could always have the convo and see where it goes.