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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just ask for the money?

213 replies

Lizsrss · 19/12/2023 07:42

I feel like I probably am being unfair. My parents never really worked full time or with any need due to inheritance. They have two homes owned outright and two mortgages buy to lets which are income for them now they are officially retired. They do not have a lot of income and I understand the inheritance has always gone into the properties.

Anyway I’ve had a tough year. They’ve helped me out in the past and I do have the odd 500 quid every so often which I know is very generous. I have recently gone through a separation and my mortgage is 1,100. I could look at moving but obviously comes with it’s own issues like being near dc school and having stamp duty ready which I don’t. I was going to ask if they would give me an amount to reduce the repayments as mortgage is coming up for renewal. Around 50k would reduce then to 780 a month which would be a big help. I’ve checked new interest rates etc.

would this be insanely cheeky? Is it unfair to even ask? I am struggling with the mental stress of being single with dc (yes I have maintenance). It just feels so stressful. What would you do?

OP posts:
Beezknees · 19/12/2023 08:52

kimchio · 19/12/2023 07:53

Ridiculously cheeky. They'll need that for their care home fees. If you can't afford your house do what you'd do without your parents input

Not everyone ends up in a care home. My grandmother lived independently until she died!

Vinrouge4 · 19/12/2023 08:54

I would ask. They can only say no. Maybe phrase it as having some of your inheritance in advance then they can decide what to do to make it fair for your brother. I wouldn’t resent my children asking.

Onionsmadeofglass · 19/12/2023 08:54

Massive 🙄 at all the posts telling OP she’s pathetic.
Yes, she’s in a very privileged position.
But this is exactly how intergenerational wealth works. It’s not really about old rich relatives dying and leaving fortunes. That’s very rare, there can be a lot of tax to pay on a big inheritance, and it comes too late in late mostly to make much difference to life outcomes.
Financially supporting your children and grandchildren at key moments in their lives can make a big difference to their opportunities and success in life.
OP is not expecting to be totally financially carried by her parents. What she’s thinking of asking for would enable her to keep the status quo for her kids in terms of schools and the home space after a divorce. At a time when rising cost of living is having an impact on everyone and massive personal financial upheaval because of the split with her ex husband, she is looking at needing to downsize and change schools for her kids. She could absolutely do that, and some families would expect her to do that rather than ask for help, and most families would not be in a position to help anyway, but some families would prefer to put that money into the house and keep those kids in their current school and social environment. The money would be going into property investment, so it’s not like it’s disappearing never to be seen again.

user1492757084 · 19/12/2023 08:56

In your unique situation I would discuss the whole issue with your parents.

They might have other helpful suggestions like visiting their financial advisor with them or them purchasing a percentage of your home or all sorts of solutions!

Do a proper budget so that you have your known parameters at the ready.

If they do not want to help that is their choice and you, hopefully, would not hold their attitude against them.

Viviennemary · 19/12/2023 08:56

It would be an absolute nerve IMHO. If they offer That's different.

Tinkerbyebye · 19/12/2023 08:56

YABU. You don’t know their full finances and they may need the money to live of. If you are finding it difficult to cover the mortgage there are other options, sell and buy smaller, get a second job, take in a lodger, extend the mortgage period. Look at those first

Daffodilsandbees · 19/12/2023 08:57

Onionsmadeofglass · 19/12/2023 08:54

Massive 🙄 at all the posts telling OP she’s pathetic.
Yes, she’s in a very privileged position.
But this is exactly how intergenerational wealth works. It’s not really about old rich relatives dying and leaving fortunes. That’s very rare, there can be a lot of tax to pay on a big inheritance, and it comes too late in late mostly to make much difference to life outcomes.
Financially supporting your children and grandchildren at key moments in their lives can make a big difference to their opportunities and success in life.
OP is not expecting to be totally financially carried by her parents. What she’s thinking of asking for would enable her to keep the status quo for her kids in terms of schools and the home space after a divorce. At a time when rising cost of living is having an impact on everyone and massive personal financial upheaval because of the split with her ex husband, she is looking at needing to downsize and change schools for her kids. She could absolutely do that, and some families would expect her to do that rather than ask for help, and most families would not be in a position to help anyway, but some families would prefer to put that money into the house and keep those kids in their current school and social environment. The money would be going into property investment, so it’s not like it’s disappearing never to be seen again.

This. This is exactly how inter generational wealth works. I would ask for their advice and help. They may say no and that’s ok.

Z1hun · 19/12/2023 08:58

Would you not be affected by early mortgage repayment charge by paying off £50k?

Also I know its not the point but £70k deposit not including anything your ex partner put down and still paying £1.1k /month. how expensive is your house?? Its rhetorical but that does sound like you have alot of equity or at least a sizable house and I know you said you weren't keen on moving but I think it should be an option.

ttcat37 · 19/12/2023 08:58

Wow. This is peak mumsnet entitled CFery!!

You acknowledge that they will never be able to save the money again but would still be happy to take it? How do you expect them to live in their old age? Do you know how much care home fees are? We have a family member with dementia whose fees are £4000 a month for a fairly basic private care home.

What would you do if you didn’t have parents to beg from? Do that instead.

Cornishclio · 19/12/2023 08:59

Your parents are the same generation as we are and if we had that money we would help especially if a lot of their income came from inheritance. We have benefitted from my mums generosity and we help our adult children too but they don't ask. We generally offer but we do discuss finances etc. Can you start a conversation about how you are struggling and see if they offer?

User1789 · 19/12/2023 09:00

BMW6 · 19/12/2023 07:50

Well they appear to be financially savvy having bought 2 BTL properties, so why not ask their financial advice rather than a hand-out?

That MAY lead to them offering to sell one of the properties to help buy yours, but if they don't offer I certainly wouldn't expect or ask them to do so.

They'd have to sell one as from your OP they don't have £50,000 lying in a bank account, so their rental income would be halved.

OP has made clear they aren't financially savvy, they just inherited a lot of money.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/12/2023 09:00

Lizsrss · 19/12/2023 08:27

@Camorra i don’t know but if parents have money they generally help dc? I know I would with mine

But you've said they're asset rich not cash rich. Where would they get 50k from?

Original poster
Lizsrss · 19/12/2023 09:00

@Z1hun have about 220 equity I think. It wouldn’t buy much here, in fact I think the cheapest house that came up recently was 295, and I want to stay due to circumstances, dc need their family around etc.

OP posts:
Cadenza12 · 19/12/2023 09:01

They have been more than generous. You need to look at other options.

Zevitevitchofcrimas · 19/12/2023 09:02

Op I wouldn't ask for a speficic figure.. I would broach it from this is my situation and choices what do you think I should do.

Onionsmadeofglass · 19/12/2023 09:03

User1789 · 19/12/2023 09:00

OP has made clear they aren't financially savvy, they just inherited a lot of money.

Show quote history

They are absolutely financially savy. They inherited money and used it to set up a nice work/life balance and income from rental properties in their retirement.
They were very privileged to inherit significant money. But they sound very financial savy to me.

KnowThyself · 19/12/2023 09:05

Reading this post reminds me of why I never discuss my financial affairs with anyone including adult children.

I don’t have a problem with adult children being assisted but it’s cheeky to expect and ask. I know many people are in their financial position due to luck of both the good or bad variety and I know the COL is affecting most but I’m wondering how financially savvy you are. Because some who know their parents will bail them out are more prone to financial incompetence because they have back up.

ZiriForGood · 19/12/2023 09:05

It's nice to be self-sufficient, but in your situation just go and ask. There is clear benefit for your family if it works.

ActDottie · 19/12/2023 09:05

From what you’ve said my parents are much better off than yours but there’s no way in a million years I’d ask them for £50k!!!!

Would your parents even have £50k cash? It seems they have a lot tied up in property.

LightToTheWorld · 19/12/2023 09:07

This thread is a late entrant for the "most shocking thing you've ever read on MN" thread 😂

Zevitevitchofcrimas · 19/12/2023 09:08

@Onionsmadeofglass and it woud be nice to share that with their child

OnAir · 19/12/2023 09:08

Lizsrss · 19/12/2023 08:32

@WhichIsItWendy this is how I feel about it, I know it’s not ‘my’ money, but they were gifted hundreds of thousands a long time ago so have never experienced money worries ever.

To be given 40k to buy a house and to ask for another 50k it doesn't sound like you have had money worries either. I think it's insane people have this outlook on such a vast amount of money. I'd be lucky to be lent £50 let alone the extra zeros on the end lol. You're very lucky op.

Robbiesraft · 19/12/2023 09:10

I get the impression that even if you do get the 50k you will be back asking for more later down the line. Just like you did with the 40k. Keep on tapping them for money till you're sure there's no more?

You're dealing with the massive change that comes from a spilt and learning to cope financially, practically and emotionally as a single parent. I'd use my energy to focus on that, rather than get bitter about your family.

Comtesse · 19/12/2023 09:10

It’s not unreasonable to talk about money. More families ought to be able to talk about estate planning, but it’s too squeamish a topic, but can end up in a right mess. They would not be unreasonable to say No Way but I think it’s fine to broach the topic.

DuploTrain · 19/12/2023 09:10

Just ask them OP.

I am discussing with my parents about them possibly giving me a large amount of money so I can afford the mortgage on a bigger house. They’d rather I had it now than in the hopefully distant future when they’re not here any more. And yes I know I’m incredibly fortunate.

I do find it odd that you’re analysing all the details of their finances though… it doesn’t matter how much they have. It’s not your job to assess what they can afford / should give you. You ask, they say yes or no, or an amount that they’d be happy with.