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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just ask for the money?

213 replies

Lizsrss · 19/12/2023 07:42

I feel like I probably am being unfair. My parents never really worked full time or with any need due to inheritance. They have two homes owned outright and two mortgages buy to lets which are income for them now they are officially retired. They do not have a lot of income and I understand the inheritance has always gone into the properties.

Anyway I’ve had a tough year. They’ve helped me out in the past and I do have the odd 500 quid every so often which I know is very generous. I have recently gone through a separation and my mortgage is 1,100. I could look at moving but obviously comes with it’s own issues like being near dc school and having stamp duty ready which I don’t. I was going to ask if they would give me an amount to reduce the repayments as mortgage is coming up for renewal. Around 50k would reduce then to 780 a month which would be a big help. I’ve checked new interest rates etc.

would this be insanely cheeky? Is it unfair to even ask? I am struggling with the mental stress of being single with dc (yes I have maintenance). It just feels so stressful. What would you do?

OP posts:
JustOneMoreBaileys · 19/12/2023 09:11

The key problem I see with asking as you've put it here is that 50k is such an arbitrary figure. One you've just plucked out of their air.

Talking to them about the specific problems you are having (though to be fair there also doesn't appear to be anything specific except wanting an easier life) and asking if they can help in any way might be a better way to go about it.

Redburnett · 19/12/2023 09:12

I'm surprised so many think you should not ask. In your position I would ask, but be prepared for the answer to be no. As a retired person I would rather give money to my DC at an early stage than see it lost to inheritance tax later on. Suggest to your parents that it is getting some of your inheritance early.

Potentialmadcatlady · 19/12/2023 09:13

They gave you 40k, you have 220k equity and you want to ask them for another 50k?
How about learning how to cut your cloth?

Whether we like it or not divorce/separations generally lead to people having to downsize,change locations etc…
Are you going to expect them to bail you out for the rest of their lives?

Onionsmadeofglass · 19/12/2023 09:15

Zevitevitchofcrimas · 19/12/2023 09:08

@Onionsmadeofglass and it woud be nice to share that with their child

Yes. Obviously OPs parents could say no. Maybe they don’t have that much easily available. Maybe they can’t give the same to OP’s siblings so don’t want to. Maybe they think her house is a poor investment or that she’ll still be too overextended financially and it’s a bad idea. Like you said, in her situation I probably wouldn’t go in asking for a specific sum. But they sound like excellent people to discuss her current financial situation with. Even if she does need to move and downsize, they might have advice or want to help financially with that. I don’t think it’s the cheekiest idea in the world to talk to your well-off financially savy parents about your mortgage and tight finances following a divorce.

Onionsmadeofglass · 19/12/2023 09:16

JustOneMoreBaileys · 19/12/2023 09:11

The key problem I see with asking as you've put it here is that 50k is such an arbitrary figure. One you've just plucked out of their air.

Talking to them about the specific problems you are having (though to be fair there also doesn't appear to be anything specific except wanting an easier life) and asking if they can help in any way might be a better way to go about it.

I was assuming the 50k thing is based on talking to mortgage brokers, perhaps during the divorce process.

Zevitevitchofcrimas · 19/12/2023 09:17

No not cheeky at all and makes financial sense sometimes.

Menomeno · 19/12/2023 09:18

My kids didn’t go to uni, so were working ft from 18 (apprenticeships). After 12 months they were all earning a proper, decent wage. Am I wrong to charge keep? My dd19 pays £180 a month. £65 of that covers her phone bill. The rest goes toward the extra food that she asks me to buy specifically for her (on top of the normal weekly family shop which she also benefits from), her daily hour-long showers and to repay money she’s borrowed from me in the past. Is it unreasonable to say that if she wants to spend an hour in the shower that she pays for it? Or if she wants expensive snacks she pays for them?

Her keep money doesn’t come close to covering her costs but it’s important for her to start to realise that she is responsible for herself, she’s not a child any more. She has well over £1000 a month left after paying her keep and has zero savings. And you think I should be bankrolling her further? No thank you!

TeeBee · 19/12/2023 09:18

Wowsers! I've never asked my parents for as much as £50!!! Unreal.
And I do love it when people pull the 'I'm a single mother' card. Me too, so what? My pride wouldn't allow me to ask others for handouts.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/12/2023 09:19

Zevitevitchofcrimas · 19/12/2023 09:17

No not cheeky at all and makes financial sense sometimes.

Financial sense to op, yes.
Not to her parents who are on a small income and this might need their own cash savings.
Not to her brother who hasn't been gifted nearly 100k.

HerMammy · 19/12/2023 09:19

PPs acting as if OP is stripping her parents and leaving them destitute. they own 4 properties and are wealthy enough never have had to work, I think she can ask and they can reply how they choose.

mewkins · 19/12/2023 09:20

WhichIsItWendy · 19/12/2023 08:31

Given they've had a MASSIVE step up due to a generous relative, I think it's fair enough to ask if they're willing to pay on the favour and help you out a little (and a lot less than they received).

If they say no, then they say no, but it's hardly cheeky to ask, especially when they've had a huge helping hand in the past that's enabled an easy lifestyle.

I agree with this. Just ask but make it clear that they can say yes or no and you will understand either way.

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 19/12/2023 09:22

LightToTheWorld · 19/12/2023 09:07

This thread is a late entrant for the "most shocking thing you've ever read on MN" thread 😂

Glad I'm not the only one thinking that.

theconfidenceofwho · 19/12/2023 09:23

Redburnett · 19/12/2023 09:12

I'm surprised so many think you should not ask. In your position I would ask, but be prepared for the answer to be no. As a retired person I would rather give money to my DC at an early stage than see it lost to inheritance tax later on. Suggest to your parents that it is getting some of your inheritance early.

This exactly. My parents don't have any money bit if they did, they'd absolutely want to help (as I would with my DCs).

anythinginapinch · 19/12/2023 09:24

TeeBee · 19/12/2023 09:18

Wowsers! I've never asked my parents for as much as £50!!! Unreal.
And I do love it when people pull the 'I'm a single mother' card. Me too, so what? My pride wouldn't allow me to ask others for handouts.

Since when was asking loving parents for help, the same as asking for a handout?

Yes ask your parents.

FiveShelties · 19/12/2023 09:26

Excellent drip with the fact you have already had 40K OP.

Original poster
Lizsrss · 19/12/2023 09:27

@FiveShelties wasn’t an intentional drip feed.

Thanks for the replies. Think I will ask if they could help at all and not put a figure on it.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 19/12/2023 09:27

They've already given you 40k and that's not enough? Are you an only child? If not have they given your siblings the same amount?

Jeezypeepers · 19/12/2023 09:27

@HerMammy exactly. People in Britain are so weird about money; in my community it would be totally normal for wealthy adult parents to help out their struggling children and grandchildren in this way and they’d be happy to do so (as, like with OPs parents, they also benefited from this set up previously)

And those who say their ‘pride’ would stop them asking their own parents for money I think that’s crackers! You’d rather force your children to live in poverty or move away from their support network than ask your mum for a help? Do you think your mum and dad would want to see you struggle when they could make an easier life for their child and grandchild? I would want my kids to tell me how to help them, and if could afford it I’d absolutely do so. Especially had I also benefited from older relatives in this way.

Such a fucking race to the bottom on here sometimes.

Growlybear83 · 19/12/2023 09:29

LightToTheWorld · 19/12/2023 09:07

This thread is a late entrant for the "most shocking thing you've ever read on MN" thread 😂

That's exactly what I've been thinking!

morningtoncrescent62 · 19/12/2023 09:29

As the parent of adult children, I hope they would ask me in this situation. I don't have anything like as much to spare as your parents: if I did, I would rather hand over the money than watch either of my children struggling. Could you open the conversation by asking for some help, saying that reducing your mortgage significantly would make a big difference to you, and seeing what they're willing to offer? That way if 50k is too much of a stretch for them at the moment, they could perhaps offer something lower which would still make a difference to you, but not put them in a potentially awkward position?

Onionsmadeofglass · 19/12/2023 09:29

Menomeno · 19/12/2023 09:18

My kids didn’t go to uni, so were working ft from 18 (apprenticeships). After 12 months they were all earning a proper, decent wage. Am I wrong to charge keep? My dd19 pays £180 a month. £65 of that covers her phone bill. The rest goes toward the extra food that she asks me to buy specifically for her (on top of the normal weekly family shop which she also benefits from), her daily hour-long showers and to repay money she’s borrowed from me in the past. Is it unreasonable to say that if she wants to spend an hour in the shower that she pays for it? Or if she wants expensive snacks she pays for them?

Her keep money doesn’t come close to covering her costs but it’s important for her to start to realise that she is responsible for herself, she’s not a child any more. She has well over £1000 a month left after paying her keep and has zero savings. And you think I should be bankrolling her further? No thank you!

? No you absolutely shouldn’t be bankrolling her further.
I don’t understand the link with the OP?
You could charge her market rent for her room and put anything above the actual costs to you or anything above what you need to make your household finances work into a savings account for her so she has a rental deposit when she wants to move out.
You could help her set up a standing order of a hundred or two per month from her main account into her savings account the day after she’s paid so she starts building up savings instead of wasting 1000 pounds a month on stuff.

Elpheba · 19/12/2023 09:29

I don’t think this is unreasonable at all. The money will eventually come to you and they may not realise how much you are paying on your mortgage etc or that 50k (as an example) would make such a difference to your monthly outgoings.
I would ask, making it very clear there is no pressure or expectation, and show the calculations and what a difference it would make. And pps acting all horrified at the thought- her parents are only in this incredibly comfortable situation having hardly had to work themselves due to inheritance so if I were them I would want to help where I could.

TheHolyGrailSpeaks · 19/12/2023 09:30

If you do, perhaps wait until the divorce has been finalised in case exDH becomes entitled to any of it.

laclochette · 19/12/2023 09:31

I'm from a family where I would only ask my parents for money if the situation was desperate, like I was going to lose my home... but I've lived long enough and seen enough to know that different families have different cultures. Some of my friends, for example, come from families where the idea of "the family" is much stronger than the sense of the individuals within the family, and that means a lot more giving and sharing within a family than I'm used to. Whereas a lot of people here, including me, come from much more individualistic families. Neither is right or wrong. We are all different!

OP, rather than asking for the money outright, I would ask your parents if you can sit down and talk through your finances with them, because your separation has left you stressed and wondering what the right move for you and your family is now. I'd try to be truly open to working through different ways forward in that conversation - they may have other valuable suggestions, suggestions that aren't giving you £50k outright but which might still help you. A loan, for example, or they put in £50k but a portion of the value of your home is ringfenced in their name for when you eventually sell it; who knows what else. Or they may give you £50k! But you've leapt to one solution here. Your parents sound both financially savvy, and caring/supportive. Why not talk through your worries with them and see if you can work it out, together, rather than leaping to one conclusion alone, and presenting them with a demand.

FiveShelties · 19/12/2023 09:31

Lizsrss · 19/12/2023 09:27

@FiveShelties wasn’t an intentional drip feed.

Thanks for the replies. Think I will ask if they could help at all and not put a figure on it.

You originally mentioned how you had been given the odd 500!