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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just ask for the money?

213 replies

Lizsrss · 19/12/2023 07:42

I feel like I probably am being unfair. My parents never really worked full time or with any need due to inheritance. They have two homes owned outright and two mortgages buy to lets which are income for them now they are officially retired. They do not have a lot of income and I understand the inheritance has always gone into the properties.

Anyway I’ve had a tough year. They’ve helped me out in the past and I do have the odd 500 quid every so often which I know is very generous. I have recently gone through a separation and my mortgage is 1,100. I could look at moving but obviously comes with it’s own issues like being near dc school and having stamp duty ready which I don’t. I was going to ask if they would give me an amount to reduce the repayments as mortgage is coming up for renewal. Around 50k would reduce then to 780 a month which would be a big help. I’ve checked new interest rates etc.

would this be insanely cheeky? Is it unfair to even ask? I am struggling with the mental stress of being single with dc (yes I have maintenance). It just feels so stressful. What would you do?

OP posts:
Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 19/12/2023 10:01

IdealisticCynic · 19/12/2023 09:32

Agreed. I fully understand asking children to pay rent when it’s the only way to manage. That’s the whole family pulling together to maintain a home.

But that’s clearly not the OP’s parents’ position. Nor is it the position of lots of people who post on MN regarding their children paying them rent even though their mortgages are paid off or they have lots of money. Why not let your kids save for their own home and pay off their student debts? Isn’t helping one’s family the point of having money?

Show quote history

Paying rent can also be teaching the concept of responsibility and budgeting.

LonelynSad · 19/12/2023 10:01

@kimchio How rude! Assuming they'll need care homes. Bloody hell. I would never put a parent in a care home unless they had such advanced Alzheimer's that they couldn't be kept safe out of one.

LemonTT · 19/12/2023 10:01

Lizsrss · 19/12/2023 08:32

@WhichIsItWendy this is how I feel about it, I know it’s not ‘my’ money, but they were gifted hundreds of thousands a long time ago so have never experienced money worries ever.

This wouldn’t mean they were set for life. If they were on low incomes as you say and are now retired. It would be an ok pension.

This coupled with the Boomer trope leaves me side eyeing your justification. Which wasn’t great to start with.

soemptyinside · 19/12/2023 10:02

It doesn't sound like your parents can easily afford this, given how much equity they have. And they can't just sell a house, because it would reduce their income, and that's what they're living off in retirement. It also doesn't sound like you're in dire straits, and you've already taken £40k off them that they didn't want to give.

It's also easy for you to say 'I would want to help my DC' when you can't help your DC, because you don't have £50k lying around yourself. It's incredibly unfair to judge your parents by imaginary standards you don't uphold yourself because you're not in a position to face that choice.

If a relative needed money in the short term to avoid being made homeless, I would help. If a relative needed money just to have an easier life, but it would make my life worse? No. I don't think many people would do otherwise, either.

You're not just asking for a huge favour - you're asking for one which would reduce the quality of your parents' lives. Having just lost a parent, the thought of anyone actively making their parents' lives harder just to make their own lives easier makes me feel sick.

Take a step back and think about it. You said you thought you were probably being unfair. You know you're being unfair. It's OK to feel jealous for a moment that some people have it better than you it. It's not OK to then take that jealousy and use it to emotionally blackmail your parents when you can cope on your own.

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 19/12/2023 10:03

LonelynSad · 19/12/2023 10:01

@kimchio How rude! Assuming they'll need care homes. Bloody hell. I would never put a parent in a care home unless they had such advanced Alzheimer's that they couldn't be kept safe out of one.

Please don't make judgements about those who chose to use care homes for elderly/frail relatives - it really isn't as simple as 'I would never....'.

Wishimaywishimight · 19/12/2023 10:03

To answer the question, yes I do think to ask for such a large sum of money (or any really) would be "insanely cheeky".

ILikeItWhatIsIt · 19/12/2023 10:05

Lizsrss · 19/12/2023 08:30

@Passingthethyme they wouldn’t offer, I had to ask when I was looking to buy my first house. They are the boomer generation and definitely didn’t understand why I needed help with a deposit! But they helped when I explained. For context I am a massively hard worker and always have been, when they contributed 40k I had already saved 35k and I was 22.

If your parents are boomers that must make you, what, 40's? Get a grip & stop being so entitled.

plantpotsandbugs · 19/12/2023 10:06

Why do they have mortgages if they have tens of thousands in savings?

soemptyinside · 19/12/2023 10:07

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 19/12/2023 10:03

Please don't make judgements about those who chose to use care homes for elderly/frail relatives - it really isn't as simple as 'I would never....'.

Show quote history

Exactly. Sometimes their medical needs are such that they need medical intervention every few hours and keeping them at home is not in their best interests. Accepting that a relative needs more support than you can physically give them is a kindness.

I hated myself for not being able to do more, but I'm not a doctor, and I couldn't sign off on the changing prescriptions, and I wasn't allowed to administer those kind of drugs anyway. And it's not actually safe on either person to do all that lifting yourself - the nurses do it in pairs for a reason, and they do it in a particular way.

I felt absolutely broken, and anyone who wants to judge me should take a long hard look at themselves. I did all I could until the medical team gently suggested I couldn't enough. It was also no good for me - I wasn't getting more than an hour of uninterrupted sleep and I was trying to work full time at the same time.

LonelynSad · 19/12/2023 10:08

@Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter Oh I'm absolutely not. I should've said 'etc' and that I understand there's other circumstances that mean it's unavoidable. My only judgement is for those who do it just because they can’t be bothered with their relative/parent

Charlize43 · 19/12/2023 10:09

Your parents never worked - are you like Princess Beatrice or someone?

I don't think anyone has £50K just floating around their bank accounts, even the Royals!

Are you expecting them to sell one of their properties?

LonelynSad · 19/12/2023 10:09

@soemptyinside Please see my update comment. I'm not judging people in your situation I just wasn't very clear. Painting my nails and was trying not to type too much

TorroFerney · 19/12/2023 10:11

LonelynSad · 19/12/2023 10:09

@soemptyinside Please see my update comment. I'm not judging people in your situation I just wasn't very clear. Painting my nails and was trying not to type too much

But in doing so managing to go for the least words that will cause the most offence. The notion that a relative "puts" a parent in a care home in the UK is just not how it works.

CharlotteBog · 19/12/2023 10:11

LonelynSad · 19/12/2023 10:01

@kimchio How rude! Assuming they'll need care homes. Bloody hell. I would never put a parent in a care home unless they had such advanced Alzheimer's that they couldn't be kept safe out of one.

It's not quite that straight forward.

LikeAFriend · 19/12/2023 10:11

Unpopular view here…. I think people are ignoring that the parents’ money isn’t really their money to begin with - it presumably came from a generous relative in the first place. Personally I would be devastated if I left a lot of money to my children (highly unlikely to happen btw!!) and they used it as an excuse to laze around and never make anything of themselves, then selfishly refuse to pay it forward to their children who do work hard… they have 4 houses ffs! So in those circumstances I think it’s fine for OP to ask - if the parents do consider their inheritance as a special treat for them alone rather than family money they can decline. But not unreasonable at all to ask.

Luxell934 · 19/12/2023 10:12

Charlize43 · 19/12/2023 10:09

Your parents never worked - are you like Princess Beatrice or someone?

I don't think anyone has £50K just floating around their bank accounts, even the Royals!

Are you expecting them to sell one of their properties?

Even the royals? They have millions in their bank accounts.

MrsSkylerWhite · 19/12/2023 10:12

So they’ve already given you 40k plus and you want another £50k from their retirement funds?

You’ve got one helluva brass neck.

Sdpbody · 19/12/2023 10:13

If I was struggling, and my parents had £50k in premium bonds and owned 4 house. They would give it to me in a heart beat. I would most likely be living in one of their rentals, which would probably be put in my name. But my parents are generous with everything they have.

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 19/12/2023 10:14

Lizsrss · 19/12/2023 08:28

@AnneLovesGilbert yes I have a brother and his in laws paid off their mortgage so my parents often say he doesn’t need their help etc however I would not be ok having 50k and that not being accounted for down the line as I believe he should have equal amounts to me. He couldn’t care less as he has lots but I feel strongly about it.

Ask him to loan you 50k and you pay him back at what you can afford.

pontipinemum · 19/12/2023 10:14

@Lizsrss I would ask, really unless you think that it will massively offend them, or something like that I don't see the harm. As long as they don't feel pressured. They can say no

I couldn't because my mam simply does not have it. In fact I am currently saving up to be able to give her half of her 1st house deposit! But I want to help her out. I could use that money myself for loads of things but I know she needs a house so I've saved really hard the last 2 years to help.

harriethoyle · 19/12/2023 10:18

Christ on a bike, you are entitled. Not content with a 40k handout, you're now looking a further 50k?! Extend your mortgage term, go interest only for a few years, progress your career so you earn more - but be a grown up, not a leach.

kimchio · 19/12/2023 10:18

LonelynSad · 19/12/2023 10:01

@kimchio How rude! Assuming they'll need care homes. Bloody hell. I would never put a parent in a care home unless they had such advanced Alzheimer's that they couldn't be kept safe out of one.

It's not rude. They might not need a care home. But if they do it's hella expensive

kimchio · 19/12/2023 10:19

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 19/12/2023 10:03

Please don't make judgements about those who chose to use care homes for elderly/frail relatives - it really isn't as simple as 'I would never....'.

Show quote history

Thank you

CHRIS003 · 19/12/2023 10:19

If they have 4 buy to let properties- would it not be an idea to ask them - if the next time one becomes available you could move in - and come to an agreement perhaps on a cheaper rent or assuming one of these properties may come to you in a will IN the future anyway, they would consider gifting it to you now. In other words putting it in your name or put one of the properties in your name so you collect the rent on it - don't know how it all works legally if you did that.

Okaaaay · 19/12/2023 10:22

Just on a practical note OP, have you maxed the term of your mortgage? It reduces the monthly payments but allows you to overpay when you can (basically gives more flexibility). Just a thought if the request for help doesn’t come off.