Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just ask for the money?

213 replies

Lizsrss · 19/12/2023 07:42

I feel like I probably am being unfair. My parents never really worked full time or with any need due to inheritance. They have two homes owned outright and two mortgages buy to lets which are income for them now they are officially retired. They do not have a lot of income and I understand the inheritance has always gone into the properties.

Anyway I’ve had a tough year. They’ve helped me out in the past and I do have the odd 500 quid every so often which I know is very generous. I have recently gone through a separation and my mortgage is 1,100. I could look at moving but obviously comes with it’s own issues like being near dc school and having stamp duty ready which I don’t. I was going to ask if they would give me an amount to reduce the repayments as mortgage is coming up for renewal. Around 50k would reduce then to 780 a month which would be a big help. I’ve checked new interest rates etc.

would this be insanely cheeky? Is it unfair to even ask? I am struggling with the mental stress of being single with dc (yes I have maintenance). It just feels so stressful. What would you do?

OP posts:
CecilyP · 19/12/2023 09:32

£50,000 sounds crazy. What they are more likely to agree to is the difference of what you can afford and what you will have to pay, eg 300 per month for a year eg £3,600. I know I’d do that for a child who was struggling. Unless of course they’re loaded!

IdealisticCynic · 19/12/2023 09:32

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 19/12/2023 08:44

@IdealisticCynic not everyone has pots of money to dish out from or can afford to subsidise adult children, and it's quite naive not to understand that concept.

Agreed. I fully understand asking children to pay rent when it’s the only way to manage. That’s the whole family pulling together to maintain a home.

But that’s clearly not the OP’s parents’ position. Nor is it the position of lots of people who post on MN regarding their children paying them rent even though their mortgages are paid off or they have lots of money. Why not let your kids save for their own home and pay off their student debts? Isn’t helping one’s family the point of having money?

HerMammy · 19/12/2023 09:35

@Jeezypeepers
Not on the same scale, during covid my Sils business was struggling, I gave him £10k l, I wasn't going to see their business collapse and my DD struggle. That's what families do

DottieMoon · 19/12/2023 09:36

It is not unusual with our friends/relatives to hand over this sort of money so I don’t think 50k is an insane amount but I don’t want to put them in an awkward position either

Crikey! You say is it insanely cheeky and unfair.....YES IT IS! But form the above that you wrote, it doesn't actually sound like to think it is. I wouldn't dream of asking. You made your bed so lie in it.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 19/12/2023 09:37

There is no way I would ask my elderly parents, who don't have a massive income, for £50k. If they offered it I think it would be fine to accept, but they haven't offered, because they don't have lots of cash sitting spare.

I also think it would cause them great anxiety to know that their adult child needs this level of support from them.

LolaSmiles · 19/12/2023 09:37

Regardless I know 50k is a lot and previously I was given 40k when I bought my first home 8 years ago. It is not unusual with our friends/relatives to hand over this sort of money so I don’t think 50k is an insane amount but I don’t want to put them in an awkward position either

You've had £40,000 given to you and now you want to ask for another £50,000 because you'd rather have a smaller mortgage?

Menomeno · 19/12/2023 09:39

Onionsmadeofglass · 19/12/2023 09:29

? No you absolutely shouldn’t be bankrolling her further.
I don’t understand the link with the OP?
You could charge her market rent for her room and put anything above the actual costs to you or anything above what you need to make your household finances work into a savings account for her so she has a rental deposit when she wants to move out.
You could help her set up a standing order of a hundred or two per month from her main account into her savings account the day after she’s paid so she starts building up savings instead of wasting 1000 pounds a month on stuff.

Show quote history

Sorry, thought I’d quoted @IdealisticCynic saying she’s “aghast” at parents charging their children rent, but I must have just replied 🤦🏻‍♀️. Believe me, I’ve tried to encourage her to save but there’s always a reason why she can’t this month (according to her).

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 19/12/2023 09:39

It sounds to me that they probably don't have this amount of money to give you as they have put their savings into the property . Certainly worth asking - but it's a lot of money and in all likeliness if they had had any thoughts of helping you financially they would have done it before making the property investment.

Nosleepforthismum · 19/12/2023 09:40

Sorry OP but I cannot imagine asking my parents for 50k to make my life easier. You’re not even asking for it as a loan with any intention of paying it back. I have parents and in-laws who are wealthy and 50k would also make a huge difference in our mortgage repayments and improve our lives. However, their money is theirs. It’s not mine or my DH’s. My feeling of being privileged comes from the security of knowing they would step in in an emergency but other than that we support ourselves as adults with our own children.

Somepeoplearesnippy · 19/12/2023 09:44

My sister was in a similar situation about 6 years ago when she needed £70k to buy her ex husband out and reduce her mortgage. She asked to borrow that amount from us. She works part-time on minimum wage and is a full time career for her disabled adult child so what she was calling a loan would actually have been a gift.

My instant response was "sorry, we don't have that sort of money to lend' which was 100% the truth. DH and I had that amount saved but it wasn't saved to become a long term loan to a sibling. It was saved to help our DC with future house purchases and give us a comfortable retirement. Happily my sister accepted this without rancour. I don't know what alternative arrangements she made but her ex has been bought out and she still lives in the property.

CharlotteBog · 19/12/2023 09:45

Lizsrss · 19/12/2023 08:30

@Passingthethyme they wouldn’t offer, I had to ask when I was looking to buy my first house. They are the boomer generation and definitely didn’t understand why I needed help with a deposit! But they helped when I explained. For context I am a massively hard worker and always have been, when they contributed 40k I had already saved 35k and I was 22.

Are they a bit dim? How can they not be aware of how much things have changed for the generation below them?

You don't sound like a very close family the way you talk.

I think it will be hard for people to advise on here, because to wonder whether to ask your parents for 50K or not is very far outside most people's experiences.

Baffledandalarmed · 19/12/2023 09:46

TBH I’m not sure why you are faffing about.

You’ve already asked them for £40K before and clearly had no issue doing it. Why the bother over £50K? You’ve already proven you’re a cheeky git, so why change now?

IMO you’re an adult. Act like it. Don’t ask for the bank of mummy and daddy to help make your life easier. If you were on the breadline I might be a bit more sympathetic, but you’re not from everything you’ve said. You just want it a bit easier

bonzaitree · 19/12/2023 09:46

You can ask and they can say « no »

You could say « look this money will come to me in inheritance eventually. Write me out the will for £50k and I can have the money now when I really need it. »

CecilyP · 19/12/2023 09:46

Certainly worth asking - but it's a lot of money and in all likeliness if they had had any thoughts of helping you financially they would have done it before making the property investment.

Not necessarily, as OP would have had a DH then. Or it may even have been before she had DC.

Butchyrestingface · 19/12/2023 09:48

My late mother paid the deposit for my first flat. She said she wanted to see me enjoy my inheritance whilst she was still alive. Having experienced such generosity, the last thing I would have done years down the line was tap her for an additional <chokes slightly> £50k.

You can ask, but if their idea of being generous these days is gifting you the odd £500 here and there, I think you'll be on a hiding to nothing and could potentially damage your relationship (as well as kiss goodbye to another further monetary gifts). You know your parents though.

kimchio · 19/12/2023 09:49

Beezknees · 19/12/2023 08:52

Not everyone ends up in a care home. My grandmother lived independently until she died!

Show quote history

Right but if they don't they will need a care home

Nineteendays · 19/12/2023 09:49

Bloody hell. They’ve given you 40k, they give you £500 here and there and you want £50k more?! Yes I think that would be cheeky. £50k is so much money

kimchio · 19/12/2023 09:50

They've already given you 40K
if you can't afford your mortgage You'll have to move

Gillypie23 · 19/12/2023 09:50

It's so cheeky. You're an adult you deal with your own problems.
You need financial advice. Rather than asking your retired parents to give you their money.

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 19/12/2023 09:51

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 19/12/2023 09:39

It sounds to me that they probably don't have this amount of money to give you as they have put their savings into the property . Certainly worth asking - but it's a lot of money and in all likeliness if they had had any thoughts of helping you financially they would have done it before making the property investment.

Having now read that they've already given you £40k, then I think you would be unreasonable to ask for this amount . It's possible they may be able to support you with a smaller amount eg £10k?

kimchio · 19/12/2023 09:51

Did you pay them this 40K back?!

TooTender · 19/12/2023 09:52

IdealisticCynic · 19/12/2023 08:18

They have 4 properties! I know my parents would be fine if I asked and would likely give me the money even if it meant selling one of their properties to help me and their grandchildren out. I know I would absolutely do the same for my DC. We don’t really understand the point of money, if not to help out your children.

But if I’ve learned anything from MN, it’s that not all families behave like ours - for us children, even adult children, are always the priority. Frankly, I’m still aghast at how many people ask their children to pay rent once they hit 18.

Only you know your parents and how they would react to you asking though. Given that they are in their excellent financial position as a result of inheritance rather than their own work, I would hope they would be more understanding.

Same in my family. Not one of us would sit on four properties, two mortgage free, while a family member struggled. But all families are different and previous mumsnet threads have taught me that in a lot of families it’s ridiculous to expect so much as a phone call between parents and adult children, so who knows how the rest of the world works!

Trickedbyadoughnut · 19/12/2023 09:52

Personally, I think I'd ask whether they could give me an interest-free loan of the money.

Newhere5 · 19/12/2023 09:59

You’re an adult, behave like one?
It’s not your parents job anymore to look after you

PickledPurplePickle · 19/12/2023 10:01

Wow yes YABU

If you can't afford your house move to a smaller one