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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not letting ex take baby on Xmas Day?

490 replies

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:04

I have a DC with my ex who is 10 months old.

Ex has never had DC alone and sees them sporadically (once went almost 2 months without a visit) although has been getting better recently.

Exes parents have also only seen DC a few times. I've offered and invited them to things, offered to meet, but they've not taken me up on offers.

Ex wants to take DC to his parents for half the day on Xmas and thinks it's his and his parents right to have baby there on Xmas Day.

I've offered ex and his parents to come here and visit DC, but he thinks I'm being unreasonable to not let him take baby. His parents live 2 hours away and I'm also still breastfeeding.

Ex isn't on the BC. He does pay maintenance now though (after I went to CMS).

AIBU? Thanks

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 18/12/2023 17:06

Absolutely not. Tell him to jog on. When he’s proven himself to be a reliable adult in your baby’s life then he can take the baby for a couple of hours.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 18/12/2023 17:06

Of course YANBU your baby needs to be happy and comfortable. Being with strangers is not that. Redraw your boundaries

comfyoldcardi · 18/12/2023 17:06

YANBU AT ALL.

TigerOnTour · 18/12/2023 17:07

If he's not had the baby on his own then definitely not. You've invited them over to yours so you are not withholding contact!

WhatsInStoreFor2024 · 18/12/2023 17:09

Don't say 'no'..... just ask him how it will work with breastfeeding.....let him come to his own conclusion

Also 2 hours away? Ask him for timings....for half a day. He should then realise himself it's unworkable

Mumoftwo1312 · 18/12/2023 17:11

he thinks I'm being unreasonable to not let him take baby

Let him think whatever he likes, your baby needs you, op!

WellThatWasUnfortunate · 18/12/2023 17:12

he is BU to expect to take baby 2 hours away from his mum on his own after spending a little time with together. Baby doesn’t know him. plus you are breastfeeding.
him and his parents are entitled to nothing. Spending time with baby at Christmas is a privilege they need to earn by being present in their life the rest of the year.

Original poster
confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:14

He says I am denying my baby their family. But I've offered for them to see the baby if they come to us. He's making me feel so guilty.

OP posts:
OhmygodDont · 18/12/2023 17:14

Nope a breastfed baby his never had on his that his actually barely seen over two hours away for half a day nope nope nope.

If he cared about his child he would be happy to come to you. His using baby as a Christmas Day look at me prop.

jeaux90 · 18/12/2023 17:14

It's a hard no. They are welcome to yours but these are basically strangers to your child.

comfyoldcardi · 18/12/2023 17:15

Your baby would be terribly distressed. Doesn't that occur to him? Doesn't he care?

Whattodo112222 · 18/12/2023 17:16

Absolutely not. End of conversation.

Treesinmygarden · 18/12/2023 17:16

Most definitely NOT!

Original poster
confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:17

They've said the reason they don't see the baby is they don't want to be around me. They think I owe them an apology for the "stress" I put them through when I was pregnant (they didn't want me to have the baby).
I never had anything to do with them when I was pregnant I spoke to them twice and they never tried to be involved. I'm in my 30s not a child and so is their son.

I get they don't want to see me but I've also been trying to get their son to build up a relationship with DC then he could take the baby on his own but he hasn't done this.

The thought of my baby being confused or upset on Xmas makes me so sad.

If they really cared and really wanted to see DC they'd come here wouldn't they?

OP posts:
OhmygodDont · 18/12/2023 17:19

Yup they would so on that basis I’d say fuck em all and go via a contact centre for all future contact. You’ve been more than fair he can’t just take a baby he basically has no relationship with and doesn’t have the facilities to feed him.

Mumoftwo1312 · 18/12/2023 17:19

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:14

He says I am denying my baby their family. But I've offered for them to see the baby if they come to us. He's making me feel so guilty.

Don't feel guilty. Plenty of time for them to see him when he's older.

Just do whatever is best for your baby. You're his mum, that means protecting him from anyone else's unreasonable demands

SavBlancTonight · 18/12/2023 17:19

Well it's not a half day is it, 4 hours of driving plus visiting time. I don't think he wants this and he knows its unreasonable but this way he gets to use the narrative that you are keeping him.away.

Baby is bf
4 hours is a LOT in the car for baby
4 hours is a lot in the car for him if he's never had sole care
Hes never had sole care- long distance travel over a full day is NOT the way to introduce it for the first time.

HermioneWeasley · 18/12/2023 17:19

Stop engaging with him.

Mumoftwo1312 · 18/12/2023 17:20

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:17

They've said the reason they don't see the baby is they don't want to be around me. They think I owe them an apology for the "stress" I put them through when I was pregnant (they didn't want me to have the baby).
I never had anything to do with them when I was pregnant I spoke to them twice and they never tried to be involved. I'm in my 30s not a child and so is their son.

I get they don't want to see me but I've also been trying to get their son to build up a relationship with DC then he could take the baby on his own but he hasn't done this.

The thought of my baby being confused or upset on Xmas makes me so sad.

If they really cared and really wanted to see DC they'd come here wouldn't they?

They didn't want you to have the baby! Well they might as well forget it, I'd never forgive that

Fionaville · 18/12/2023 17:20

Absolutely not. They clearly just want the baby for Christmas day photo ops and so they can say they made the effort for Christmas. Keep firm, its a ridiculous suggestion for a 10 month old, breastfeeding baby anyway.

Original poster
confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:20

I don't even think my ex would know how to strap the baby seat in his car.

He also doesn't have any baby things at his or his parents house, nothing. So I'd have to send a travel cot, toys, highchair?

OP posts:
comfyoldcardi · 18/12/2023 17:22

His parents have no rights whatsoever.
If your ex cared at all about the baby he would have been doing frequent, regular, short visits and learning as much as possible about parenting and putting baby's needs first.
He hasn't been doing any of that, so it appears that he and his family just want to control and upset you.

Toodles2023 · 18/12/2023 17:23

Absolutely not.

1 - baby is still breast feeding
2 - 4 hours total (2 there and back)in a car is a lot for a baby
3- baby doesn't even know then them!

you have give them a chance so stand firm and enjoy your Christmas Day with your baby xx

ohdamnitjanet · 18/12/2023 17:24

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:14

He says I am denying my baby their family. But I've offered for them to see the baby if they come to us. He's making me feel so guilty.

@confusedex2 they are denying themselves the baby. Plus the baby isn’t a toy to be handed over to people who have had nothing to do with him/her. Who the fuck do they think they are? You have NOTHING to feel guilty about, on the contrary, they should feel guilty for being such shite gp’s. It must be lovely to have good gp’s, but my adult ds didn’t have any, and tbh it made not a jot of difference. Spend a lovely Christmas with the baby and don’t give them a second thought.

stealtheatingtunnocks · 18/12/2023 17:24

10 months is one of the worst times to do something like this, baby has awareness, will be insecure without knowing where you are but has no reasoning skills.

suggest he follows Dan Wuorni on Twitter, a lovely account about child development. Your ex has some learning to do.