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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not letting ex take baby on Xmas Day?

490 replies

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:04

I have a DC with my ex who is 10 months old.

Ex has never had DC alone and sees them sporadically (once went almost 2 months without a visit) although has been getting better recently.

Exes parents have also only seen DC a few times. I've offered and invited them to things, offered to meet, but they've not taken me up on offers.

Ex wants to take DC to his parents for half the day on Xmas and thinks it's his and his parents right to have baby there on Xmas Day.

I've offered ex and his parents to come here and visit DC, but he thinks I'm being unreasonable to not let him take baby. His parents live 2 hours away and I'm also still breastfeeding.

Ex isn't on the BC. He does pay maintenance now though (after I went to CMS).

AIBU? Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:49

@Collaborate he doesn't live local either. He's just moved... an hour in the opposite direction to me. His parents are two hours the other way.

He used to have his own place, but he's moved and lives with housemates now who are in their early twenties. I suppose it's not ideal for him to have baby there on his own anyway but I'm not sure what a court would say.

I'm not stopping him seeing DC on Xmas day I've offered a compromise?

OP posts:
WorriedMum231 · 18/12/2023 17:51

Collaborate · 18/12/2023 17:47

And that's how family lawyers like me make their money. Because contact in these kind of situations is refused for no good child-focused reason.

Show quote history

Sorry, can you be clearer? You fight for parents to see children as and when they want with no interest in consistency for the child? Take me to court, arrest me, that’s not happening to my kids.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 18/12/2023 17:51

Why are you even considering this?
The answer is NO. Unless you go too or they come to you.
End of story.

WowOK · 18/12/2023 17:52

Absolutely not. It is not in the best interests of the baby. The baby and dad need to build a relationship before he takes him for any extended period of time. He needs to have regular contact first. He can start with 2 hours twice a week and be consistent and build up. If he can maintain it then this time next year he might be able to do a day trip to his parents.

Don't feel guilty. You have offered them your hospitality. If they chose not to take it then that's on them. They either want to see the child or they don't.

wispadelight · 18/12/2023 17:52

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:54

Daisybuttercup12345 · 18/12/2023 17:51

Why are you even considering this?
The answer is NO. Unless you go too or they come to you.
End of story.

Bit of a drip feed but they did say I could go too.

On the condition that I first say sorry to them Confused

A. I don't want to go.

B. I won't say sorry... for what? Having my DC?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 18/12/2023 17:56

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:04

I have a DC with my ex who is 10 months old.

Ex has never had DC alone and sees them sporadically (once went almost 2 months without a visit) although has been getting better recently.

Exes parents have also only seen DC a few times. I've offered and invited them to things, offered to meet, but they've not taken me up on offers.

Ex wants to take DC to his parents for half the day on Xmas and thinks it's his and his parents right to have baby there on Xmas Day.

I've offered ex and his parents to come here and visit DC, but he thinks I'm being unreasonable to not let him take baby. His parents live 2 hours away and I'm also still breastfeeding.

Ex isn't on the BC. He does pay maintenance now though (after I went to CMS).

AIBU? Thanks

Nope. No way. Not a chance

He doesn't get to play Disney Dad for the Insta likes at you and your baby's expense

I you're claiming CM

Sothisiit · 18/12/2023 17:56

He has every right to build a relationship with his child but a 1/2 day on Christmas day is not the correct starting point for a BF baby.
He needs to show he is reliable and has the parental skills first.
I think you have been reasonable to try and allow visitation for him and his parents.
As with pets it could also be said that.....
"A child is for life not just for Christmas"

WhatTheFuk · 18/12/2023 17:57

Stop engaging with him. It's not up to you to encourage a grown man to see his child. Enjoy your baby and let him take responsibility for himself. The guilt is not yours to feel.

TheGoogleMum · 18/12/2023 17:59

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:54

Bit of a drip feed but they did say I could go too.

On the condition that I first say sorry to them Confused

A. I don't want to go.

B. I won't say sorry... for what? Having my DC?

Show quote history

Yeah I still think YANBU, I agree apologise for what? The baby they so badly want to see?

FictionalCharacter · 18/12/2023 18:02

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:17

They've said the reason they don't see the baby is they don't want to be around me. They think I owe them an apology for the "stress" I put them through when I was pregnant (they didn't want me to have the baby).
I never had anything to do with them when I was pregnant I spoke to them twice and they never tried to be involved. I'm in my 30s not a child and so is their son.

I get they don't want to see me but I've also been trying to get their son to build up a relationship with DC then he could take the baby on his own but he hasn't done this.

The thought of my baby being confused or upset on Xmas makes me so sad.

If they really cared and really wanted to see DC they'd come here wouldn't they?

Just stop with all this angst and misplaced guilt. He has no right to take your baby off to his parents’ against your wishes. His parents have no access rights whatsoever. You know there are 100 reasons why this is a terrible idea. Put your foot down, be strong.

Say no, you are not going to do that. Repeat as necessary. Don’t say sorry, explain or give excuses, or sound upset. Be calm. Use the broken record technique:
No, I’m not going to do that.
but but wah wah moan moan
No, I’m not going to do that.

Your answer is no. If you’re firm now, it will be less difficult next time he demands something outrageous.

Tina221 · 18/12/2023 18:03

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:14

He says I am denying my baby their family. But I've offered for them to see the baby if they come to us. He's making me feel so guilty.

Hi op, please don’t let him make you feel guilty. You have offered his parents to come over which is really nice of you. Tbh they haven’t made much effort at all so definitely don’t feel guilty about having Christmas with the baby x

Pemba · 18/12/2023 18:04

What is wrong with his parents? Wow.

OP don't you dare feel guilty.

jeaux90 · 18/12/2023 18:05

titchy · 18/12/2023 17:32

"So let me get this straight. Despite me offering opportunities for both you and your parents to build a relationship with Baby, you and they would prefer that you removed Baby from their main food source for 8 hours, and consider this to be in Baby's best interests yes?"

This. Say this. Your baby is not a prop.

DragonMama3 · 18/12/2023 18:06

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:14

He says I am denying my baby their family. But I've offered for them to see the baby if they come to us. He's making me feel so guilty.

He's rather melodramatic.

Luckyduc · 18/12/2023 18:07

Why is he not in the birth certificate? It seems like you're the issue ...its his child too and really from the moment your child was born they should have been an agreement in place what days he has the child and what days you have the child. You're facing years of issues because you're both acting like children.

Sauvblanctime · 18/12/2023 18:07

The only sorry you need to say is..

im sorry your son did sweet fa when I was pregnant, and has done nothing to facilitate a relationship with baby.

we will not be making the journey on Xmas day, or any other day.

you are, however, welcome here.

on the provision that you apologise for yours & his behaviour 💅🏻

DragonMama3 · 18/12/2023 18:07

If you're baby is EBF you can't let baba go for 8 hours - unless your X has grown boobs?

DragonMama3 · 18/12/2023 18:08

Don't put him on BC - it gives him a lot of rights over you and child.

Original poster
confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 18:09

Pemba · 18/12/2023 18:04

What is wrong with his parents? Wow.

OP don't you dare feel guilty.

His parents have said that I have now "made a choice that will cause irreversible damage" (ex has forwarded me the text from them today).

I do feel guilty. I obviously want my baby to have a family.

I did the whole pregnancy on my own because their son was a useless, selfish sh*t. I suffered a lot and went through a lot alone as I had a high risk pregnancy.

They all justify this as it being my choice to keep DC.

OP posts:
Sauvblanctime · 18/12/2023 18:10

@confusedex2

tell them simply

‘fuck off’

DragonMama3 · 18/12/2023 18:10

how is he with strangers? at 10 months my eldest hated anyone new.

tolerable · 18/12/2023 18:10

No.Means No.
You are being incredibly reasonable in offering they visit.

Original poster
confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 18:11

Luckyduc · 18/12/2023 18:07

Why is he not in the birth certificate? It seems like you're the issue ...its his child too and really from the moment your child was born they should have been an agreement in place what days he has the child and what days you have the child. You're facing years of issues because you're both acting like children.

He's not on the BC as we aren't married so I couldn't put him on the BC unless he attended the registry with me. He didn't want to do this.

When I went to CMS as he wasn't supporting his child he denied paternity (of course) so put us through that as well.

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 18/12/2023 18:11

That is a horrible threatening sounding message.
They sound delightful! I wouldn't want my child to be around people like that.
I hope you are now communicating only in writing and screenshotting any messages from ex and from them.
Enjoy Christmas with your lovely baby

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