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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not letting ex take baby on Xmas Day?

490 replies

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:04

I have a DC with my ex who is 10 months old.

Ex has never had DC alone and sees them sporadically (once went almost 2 months without a visit) although has been getting better recently.

Exes parents have also only seen DC a few times. I've offered and invited them to things, offered to meet, but they've not taken me up on offers.

Ex wants to take DC to his parents for half the day on Xmas and thinks it's his and his parents right to have baby there on Xmas Day.

I've offered ex and his parents to come here and visit DC, but he thinks I'm being unreasonable to not let him take baby. His parents live 2 hours away and I'm also still breastfeeding.

Ex isn't on the BC. He does pay maintenance now though (after I went to CMS).

AIBU? Thanks

OP posts:
Sauvblanctime · 18/12/2023 17:24

Absolutely not!!

if they want a relationship with the baby, they come to you.

you’re baby’s mum. They need to have some kind of relationship with you first!!

kimchio · 18/12/2023 17:24

A child is for life not just for Christmas

Xmasisoffsantahascovid · 18/12/2023 17:25

He is trying to deny your dc it's food source and it's dm. So far your dc is doing more than fine without it's df yes? Yabu to even give his demands any head space...

Sauvblanctime · 18/12/2023 17:26

SavBlancTonight · 18/12/2023 17:19

Well it's not a half day is it, 4 hours of driving plus visiting time. I don't think he wants this and he knows its unreasonable but this way he gets to use the narrative that you are keeping him.away.

Baby is bf
4 hours is a LOT in the car for baby
4 hours is a lot in the car for him if he's never had sole care
Hes never had sole care- long distance travel over a full day is NOT the way to introduce it for the first time.

This

and excellent username

Whataretheodds · 18/12/2023 17:30

comfyoldcardi · 18/12/2023 17:22

His parents have no rights whatsoever.
If your ex cared at all about the baby he would have been doing frequent, regular, short visits and learning as much as possible about parenting and putting baby's needs first.
He hasn't been doing any of that, so it appears that he and his family just want to control and upset you.

This.

You can feel guilty about your ex or feel guilty that your baby is going to be distressed by suddenly being passed around strangers without you present.

You are not unreasonable, hold your ground

Bookworm1111 · 18/12/2023 17:31

He's not on the BC, he has no rights officially, so tell him no, you are not letting your baby travel for two hours away from you on Xmas Day when you are BF. If he keeps banging on, mute him. And if his parents don't want to accept your compromise, that's on them. Frankly I wouldn't be giving them the time of day from what you've said about the back story to your pregnancy.

Sauvblanctime · 18/12/2023 17:32

Remember your ex & his family didn’t want you to have the baby.

they have no right to him

absolute cf

titchy · 18/12/2023 17:32

"So let me get this straight. Despite me offering opportunities for both you and your parents to build a relationship with Baby, you and they would prefer that you removed Baby from their main food source for 8 hours, and consider this to be in Baby's best interests yes?"

Tacotortoise · 18/12/2023 17:33

Yeah, no. Tell him it's a baby not a toy. Maybe next year if he sorts himself out before then.

Cherrysoup · 18/12/2023 17:34

You’ve offered to have them over so no, they don’t get to take the baby away, especially if he/she is still breastfeeding. They sound clueless, particularly if your ex has never had the baby alone. Utterly ridiculous.

MissFancyDay · 18/12/2023 17:35

No, definitely not. Please don't feel guilty, he isn't feeling guilty about you being upset, is he?

The most important person to consider here, by a long shot, is the baby, and it's not is the baby's interests to do this trip.

The Grandparents...well they will have to be more respectful to you if they want your cooperation when it comes to visiting the grandchild that they didn't even want. this makes me so cross on your behalf, please be strong.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 18/12/2023 17:35

Obviously this isn't happening. Stop wasting energy thinking through logistics - it's not in your baby's interest so it's not happening. Also don't offer his horrible parents to come to you. The baby doesn't know it's Christmas, he can continue building up his relationship with her and when she's ready he can take her to visit his parents but not until she's ready.

neeep · 18/12/2023 17:37

I believe the phrase you are looking for is "are you on glue" closely followed by "fuck off"

MintJulia · 18/12/2023 17:40

Absolutely not. The only thing that is relevant here is the needs and wellbeing of the child.

You are still breast feeding so anything more than a couple of hours is not really practical. Four hours driving plus maybe two visiting, is 6 hours.

Your ex and his parents are little more than strangers to your child, who is likely to be unsettled and distressed if you aren't there.

Grandparents don't have rights to your child.

Legally your ex doesn't have rights because he isn't on the BC although obviously you don't want to get to that point in the argument.

I think you repeat your offer of hosting him and his parents for part of Christmas day or one of the other days. If he doesn't like it, he can go to court, gain PR, and build a regular relationship with his child.

Collaborate · 18/12/2023 17:41

I think YWBU not to let him see the child on his own for a couple of hours maybe. I presume father lives local to you and it's his parents who live 2 hours away.

A 2 hour return journey is too much for such a young child given the stage contact has reached.

WorriedMum231 · 18/12/2023 17:42

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:14

He says I am denying my baby their family. But I've offered for them to see the baby if they come to us. He's making me feel so guilty.

Tell him your baby isn’t a prop, she’s a person.

WorriedMum231 · 18/12/2023 17:43

Collaborate · 18/12/2023 17:41

I think YWBU not to let him see the child on his own for a couple of hours maybe. I presume father lives local to you and it's his parents who live 2 hours away.

A 2 hour return journey is too much for such a young child given the stage contact has reached.

I don’t agree at all. He doesn’t get to turn up on key/fun days and play Daddy and while being AWOL for the rest of the year.

35965a · 18/12/2023 17:43

If he’s not on the birth certificate he can’t do shit

Gowlett · 18/12/2023 17:44

Explain that the baby has a bad belly / is crying all the time / will only have BF (all of which are likely scenarios) so his dreams of having a gorgeous bundle of fluffy baby would actually be a nightmare. Bring out the nappies, everything. All of the paraphernalia. Start talking about the car seat. The journey. The very specific poop / sleep routine. He’ll change his mind… And his parents will be relieved to enjoy their dinner / relax in front of the telly (especially his mother, who will be handed the baby). Having to mind a small baby would actually blow his tiny mind. Especially on Christmas Day!

TheGoogleMum · 18/12/2023 17:45

He's underestimating how hard he'll find it and how upset baby will probably get without you. I think you saying they can visit is the compromise and if thats no good thats their problem. They don't have to like you but they can make an effort if they want to see their grandchild that much surely?

Aprilx · 18/12/2023 17:46

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:17

They've said the reason they don't see the baby is they don't want to be around me. They think I owe them an apology for the "stress" I put them through when I was pregnant (they didn't want me to have the baby).
I never had anything to do with them when I was pregnant I spoke to them twice and they never tried to be involved. I'm in my 30s not a child and so is their son.

I get they don't want to see me but I've also been trying to get their son to build up a relationship with DC then he could take the baby on his own but he hasn't done this.

The thought of my baby being confused or upset on Xmas makes me so sad.

If they really cared and really wanted to see DC they'd come here wouldn't they?

They would make an effort more generally. Don’t invite them to yours on Christmas Day, it will only ruin your day. They have done nothing to deserve seeing him on Christmas Day and just want it for the Christmas Day Facebook (or whatever) photos.

Yahyahs22 · 18/12/2023 17:47

I advocate for fathers rights and I shouted "hell NO" at my phone.

Collaborate · 18/12/2023 17:47

WorriedMum231 · 18/12/2023 17:43

I don’t agree at all. He doesn’t get to turn up on key/fun days and play Daddy and while being AWOL for the rest of the year.

Edited
Show quote history

And that's how family lawyers like me make their money. Because contact in these kind of situations is refused for no good child-focused reason.

MadeForThis · 18/12/2023 17:48

Contact has been offered. In the babies home where it is in his best interests to be.

cheddercherry · 18/12/2023 17:48

No it doesn’t even make any sort of sense a baby that young won’t want to be away from you (more so when surrounded by literal strangers) and your breastfeeding so you can’t be away from them anyway? The baby doesn’t know these people so you’re not denying them anything except their mother if you let them go.

You've been more than reasonable even trying to accommodate them and offer solutions and have nothing to feel guilty about.

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