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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not letting ex take baby on Xmas Day?

490 replies

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:04

I have a DC with my ex who is 10 months old.

Ex has never had DC alone and sees them sporadically (once went almost 2 months without a visit) although has been getting better recently.

Exes parents have also only seen DC a few times. I've offered and invited them to things, offered to meet, but they've not taken me up on offers.

Ex wants to take DC to his parents for half the day on Xmas and thinks it's his and his parents right to have baby there on Xmas Day.

I've offered ex and his parents to come here and visit DC, but he thinks I'm being unreasonable to not let him take baby. His parents live 2 hours away and I'm also still breastfeeding.

Ex isn't on the BC. He does pay maintenance now though (after I went to CMS).

AIBU? Thanks

OP posts:
Vinrouge4 · 18/12/2023 19:09

Absolutely no way. Don’t feel guilty.

Daffodil18 · 18/12/2023 19:10

I’m all for shared parenting however he’s never had him alone, it’s 2 hours away and you’re breastfeeding. He’s a typical Disney Dad. He wants him there so he can take lots of pics and upload them to SM so he looks like a really good dad!

Xmasisoffsantahascovid · 18/12/2023 19:10

If he had visited a lot and your dc knew him I imagine a judge would expect you /him to offer beaker or cup for daytime fluids at 10 months ... Not a dc who is currently with you 24/7..he isn't covering himself in glory at all. Let him kick off op. Isn't your fault things are the way they are... Remember his dps have absolutely no rights to your dc at all. Even if he was on the bc they still don't.

MargotBamborough · 18/12/2023 19:11

wildwestpioneer · 18/12/2023 19:06

I was going to say that your ex has 50% PR, but as he's shown little interest and your baby is only 10 months old it would be a hell no from me

He's not on the BC, he has 0% PR.

Original poster
confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 19:14

Baby does drink water from a beaker (I've no luck expressing and baby does not like bottles I've tried believe me).

I think the fact I've been on my own mainly (no family here) and my ex not around much probably hasn't helped the situation with my little one being dependent on me.

Baby still breastfeeds a lot and I do tend to breastfeed back to sleep at night too cause honestly it's just so tiring being a single parent sometimes I just need to do what is easy.

I'd be happy for him to take baby for an hour or two on his own locally, and build up from there. It just seems a long way all in one go. I don't want my little one being upset or confused.

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 19:15

In case it's relevant, both times the grandparents have seen baby it's been me that's travelled and made the effort. They've never come here or even met half way. They aren't elderly and both still work/no health issues etc.

OP posts:
Zoreos · 18/12/2023 19:16

This would be the easiest and hardest no ever from me. They all sound like a bunch of absolute jokers. Want you to apologise for their son getting you pregnant? Talk about them raising a loser, your son is best off far, far away from people like this OP. They want to take him away from his breastfeeding mother with all of his belongings because they’re so shit they don’t have anything and never see him. They don’t care about him being able to feed properly or his routine or his wellbeing. They didn’t even want him in the first place but want him to play with like a new shiny toy now it’s Christmas. Find your anger, not your guilt and tell them to go fuck themselves. Absolute clowns. 🤡 Under UK law parents don’t even have rights, they have responsibilities. These responsibilities only exist when people bother to turn up to the birth certificate signing and properly put effort and love into a baby. He’s stuck to none of his responsibilities so he doesn’t get any time other what you offer. It’s as simple as that really.

strawberry2017 · 18/12/2023 19:16

I wouldn't trust them to bring the baby back so I'm on the side of saying no!

MikeRafone · 18/12/2023 19:18

and thinks it's his and his parents right to have baby

the fact he thinks this ^ tell me he isn't thinking about the child/baby but only about himself

Zoreos · 18/12/2023 19:18

Treeinthesky · 18/12/2023 18:49

Tbh why take this to court. Just let him.have his son. U have him til 2. He be tired then. Feed him pack some.food and be back later on. At 10 month they only bf 2 or 3 times a day.

You sound as stupid as the OPs ex and his parents do. 🤦🏻‍♀️

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 18/12/2023 19:19

Completely out of the question. The very fact that he’s asking shows that he’s clueless about a baby’s needs.

If he and the GPs want to see the baby, you take him to them - or preferably, they come to you when invited.

Noshowlomo · 18/12/2023 19:25

Ignore, but if you do want to reply I would put something together out of the great responses on here and have it clear in writing that you are not stopping contact, and now you have tried to facilitate more contact. Ask how he’d feel if a family had been awful to him and now they want to take the child for 8 hours, even though it was clear the child wasn’t wanted. Ask him. Put it on him. Twat x

GreekDogRescue · 18/12/2023 19:26

DOn’t accommodate these abusers and grow a backbone.

FuckOffTom · 18/12/2023 19:29

It’s a baby, not a dolly for your ex and his twatty parents to play with! The baby stays with you, OP.

Neveranynamesleft · 18/12/2023 19:30

I wouldn't be holding my breath that he would bring your child back that day either....the car won't start / he's not feeling well etc etc etc...
Let them say or do whatever they like...but say no and ignore any ranting.

LeggyLegsEleven · 18/12/2023 19:30

Please tell them to get lost. Babies aren’t entertainment for Christmas Day.
I think the text they sent it shows they really aren’t worth bothering with.
Who sends their baby off for a massive trip on Christmas Day to see people they don’t know and aren’t nice to the mother.

Sleepsleepsleep123 · 18/12/2023 19:31

I hate them all on your behalf. They're being so unreasonable it hurts my brain to think about it.

Mirabai · 18/12/2023 19:32

They’re mad, he’s an arsehole - you need to protect your child from them as far as you can. No child needs family like that.

MargotBamborough · 18/12/2023 19:35

Noshowlomo · 18/12/2023 19:25

Ignore, but if you do want to reply I would put something together out of the great responses on here and have it clear in writing that you are not stopping contact, and now you have tried to facilitate more contact. Ask how he’d feel if a family had been awful to him and now they want to take the child for 8 hours, even though it was clear the child wasn’t wanted. Ask him. Put it on him. Twat x

I wouldn't stop all contact just because if he does go to court for PR the court will order contact so the baby might as well get used to it in a safe environment.

But I would say something like this:

Dear X,

It has become clear to me from our latest communications that you and your family are only thinking of yourselves and not about what is in our baby's best interests.

I have no obligations towards you and certainly no obligations towards your parents.

I will make our baby available for contact with you every other Saturday from 2-4pm. I will remain present at all times until I am satisfied that he feels comfortable enough with you to be left alone in your care. If your parents wish to see him then they are welcome to accompany you during your contact time. But they have no separate right to see our baby other than during your contact time and I will not be taking him on a four hour round trip to see them at their house again. If they do not want to see me then that is tough; these are my terms.

I will text you on Fridays before your agreed contact time to check whether you are planning to visit. If I do not hear from you then I cannot guarantee that I will be at home if you show up.

I will obviously not be letting you take our baby away at Christmas and my previous invitation for you and your parents to come and visit on Christmas Day is no longer on the table as we will be seeing my own family.

wutheringkites · 18/12/2023 19:35

Treeinthesky · 18/12/2023 18:49

Tbh why take this to court. Just let him.have his son. U have him til 2. He be tired then. Feed him pack some.food and be back later on. At 10 month they only bf 2 or 3 times a day.

Let him have his baby that he, didn't want, denied paternity of, neglects his relationship with, and moved one hour away from?

The rock bottom standards for fathers in this country are really fucking depressing.

pointythings · 18/12/2023 19:36

I'm shocked that anyone on this thread is taking the useless tosspot sperm donor's side here. All he wants is the doting dad photo op - he's made zero effort to build a relationship with his DC. That's reason enough for a hard no. Refusing to be there at registration, denying paternity - and people think this man has rights?

My DC fed a lot more than 2-3 times a day when they were 10 months. I was working full time and they were in nursery, and even then it was at least 4. On days when I was not working, it was a LOT more.

PlanningTowns · 18/12/2023 19:37

Don’t know why but I imagine their son has spun them some sort of yarn making you out to be a monster.

get your boundaries in place, tell him to take you to court but as you’re breastfeeding and it won’t be a half day the answer is no. Also if baby ever does go, don’t provide all the stuff you’ll probably never get it back.

Namerequired · 18/12/2023 19:38

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 18:09

His parents have said that I have now "made a choice that will cause irreversible damage" (ex has forwarded me the text from them today).

I do feel guilty. I obviously want my baby to have a family.

I did the whole pregnancy on my own because their son was a useless, selfish sh*t. I suffered a lot and went through a lot alone as I had a high risk pregnancy.

They all justify this as it being my choice to keep DC.

Show quote history

Of course you want your baby to have a family, who wouldn’t. But I don’t think these are people you want as your babies family. I don’t think I would even want them around him, including the so called father. A baby is not for Christmas!
Put your guilt down and if you want your child to have a family then build him one that will care for him and prioritise him. Teach him it’s important to have the right people around you. If not, then he still has you. It’s not a case of any family being better than none.

Sodndashitall · 18/12/2023 19:38

You are over thinking this and reacting to him. Dont get engaged in the debate with him but just be clear on parameters. I suggest you put in writing what you are prepared to do. I think you could say:

baby is still breastfeeding so cannot be apart from me for more than 3 and absolute max of 4, hours. So you can have baby for 3-4 hours on Christmas day. Please pick up DC at midday and return by 4pm at the very latest (or whatever times suit). You will need to make sure you have a suitable car seat when you pick him up or I cannot let him go with you.

Where he goes and what he does is not your problem.

dogvcat · 18/12/2023 19:38

Treeinthesky · 18/12/2023 18:49

Tbh why take this to court. Just let him.have his son. U have him til 2. He be tired then. Feed him pack some.food and be back later on. At 10 month they only bf 2 or 3 times a day.

Says who? What evidence do you have, to tell the OP she only bfs 2 or 3 times a day? Do you live with the OP? No, didn’t think so. You have absolutely no idea how often the OP’s baby (or in fact, any baby) bfs, as every single baby is unique.

To be honest, you are being incredibly stupid, to state something that you obviously haven’t got a clue about.