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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not letting ex take baby on Xmas Day?

490 replies

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:04

I have a DC with my ex who is 10 months old.

Ex has never had DC alone and sees them sporadically (once went almost 2 months without a visit) although has been getting better recently.

Exes parents have also only seen DC a few times. I've offered and invited them to things, offered to meet, but they've not taken me up on offers.

Ex wants to take DC to his parents for half the day on Xmas and thinks it's his and his parents right to have baby there on Xmas Day.

I've offered ex and his parents to come here and visit DC, but he thinks I'm being unreasonable to not let him take baby. His parents live 2 hours away and I'm also still breastfeeding.

Ex isn't on the BC. He does pay maintenance now though (after I went to CMS).

AIBU? Thanks

OP posts:
DragonMama3 · 18/12/2023 18:11

At 23, I was pregnant. I gave birth alone. Sometimes alone is better. Son's in 6th Form college and has a happy life. I'm married to someone else and X single pringle.

Sauvblanctime · 18/12/2023 18:13

Remember that ‘no’ is a full sentence.

No.

that’s it

MinnieGirl · 18/12/2023 18:15

I would keep my baby well away from these bunch of charmers….
Stop engaging with your ex… he’s not bringing anything to your baby’s life at all…

WowOK · 18/12/2023 18:16

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 18:09

His parents have said that I have now "made a choice that will cause irreversible damage" (ex has forwarded me the text from them today).

I do feel guilty. I obviously want my baby to have a family.

I did the whole pregnancy on my own because their son was a useless, selfish sh*t. I suffered a lot and went through a lot alone as I had a high risk pregnancy.

They all justify this as it being my choice to keep DC.

Show quote history

They are making a choice to allow it to cause irreversible damage. They could instead be understanding and recognise that you are the child's mother and the sole parent and it's your decision. They could also take some responsibility for making you uncomfortable with their bullshit demands for an apology. Honestly, I'd say so be it. I've been gracious and offered them my hospitality if they choose not to accept that then the won't be seen the child.

Irridescantshimmmer · 18/12/2023 18:16

I'm with you OP.

What sort of warped individual would even think about separating a mother from a 10 month old baby.

Foals are not separated from mares for the same reason.

You have given them plenty of opportunities to be with the baby and who knows what harm a separation could cause the baby.

So I'd tell him to take a long walk off a short pier.

thebestinterest · 18/12/2023 18:19

Sorry, Ex! YANBU! Congrats on bf, by the way! I would not let my 10mo bf baby away from me over a 2hr drive. Bizarre that the dad, who barely knows child, thinks they can demand this?

RadRad · 18/12/2023 18:21

Absolutely not.

Headshoulderscheeseontoast · 18/12/2023 18:21

Luckyduc · 18/12/2023 18:07

Why is he not in the birth certificate? It seems like you're the issue ...its his child too and really from the moment your child was born they should have been an agreement in place what days he has the child and what days you have the child. You're facing years of issues because you're both acting like children.

NOPE!

Op did the right thing.

thebestinterest · 18/12/2023 18:22

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:14

He says I am denying my baby their family. But I've offered for them to see the baby if they come to us. He's making me feel so guilty.

Why do you feel guilty?? He’s an absent figure, wants baby on Xmas, a baby who doesn’t really know him. As others have said, 10mon is really young to be away from main carer, specially being bf. And two hours away? So on top of that, a 4hr round trip for your baby in a car? Is he mad?

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 18/12/2023 18:25

Guilt is such a pointless emotion.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/12/2023 18:25

No.

Four hours in a car to see one man he knows a bit and a couple of practically strangers.

Tell him, as you have, your house is open to them any time Xmas day and IF he has him consistently over the next year, you'll discuss it anew next year. But five hours in a car on Xmas day is frankly ridiculous and too long away from you.

Soontobe60 · 18/12/2023 18:25

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:14

He says I am denying my baby their family. But I've offered for them to see the baby if they come to us. He's making me feel so guilty.

Tell him to bugger off! A 10 month old baby has no understanding of the concept of Christmas. Do NOT feel guilty - he should be the guilty one.

Original poster
confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 18:26

I'm going back to work in a few months when baby is 1.

I've never denied ex going on the BC. I've actually suggested him having more regular contact and working up to to that and him having baby on his own when he's reliable.

It would actually do me a favour when I go back to work if he had some set days. He doesn't want this though as it interferes with his work/social life. So I have asked him.

I assure everyone I'm not the issue. He just wants to be able to text me a few days before and come when it suits him.

The fact that it's Xmas is a bit of a red herring, I wouldn't be comfortable with this any day rn as they are like strangers to my baby.

OP posts:
Luckyduc · 18/12/2023 18:26

Ohh well then....if he's refused to be on the BC and you've tried then cut your loses with him. I did read further down that he's 2 hours away and must admit, that's along distance to travel there and back. Good luck for the future!!

InefficientProcess · 18/12/2023 18:29

Luckyduc · 18/12/2023 18:07

Why is he not in the birth certificate? It seems like you're the issue ...its his child too and really from the moment your child was born they should have been an agreement in place what days he has the child and what days you have the child. You're facing years of issues because you're both acting like children.

There’s always at least one MRA on these kind of threads.

An agreement for what days a breastfed newborn would be with one parents and which part of the week with another. Babies are not possessions to be passed around. They tiny people with very specific needs.

If he’d wanted to be registered as the father of the baby, he could have made sure he was at the registry office. Or he could apply for PR now. He hasn’t.

But blame the woman. Obviously.

Mumof2teens79 · 18/12/2023 18:30

Apologies if this seems crass, but a baby is for life, not just for Christmas!

He needs to be an active father before he can take DD further than the end if the garden. That means regularly (more than once a week ideally)caring for her for several hours.

WowOK · 18/12/2023 18:30

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 18:26

I'm going back to work in a few months when baby is 1.

I've never denied ex going on the BC. I've actually suggested him having more regular contact and working up to to that and him having baby on his own when he's reliable.

It would actually do me a favour when I go back to work if he had some set days. He doesn't want this though as it interferes with his work/social life. So I have asked him.

I assure everyone I'm not the issue. He just wants to be able to text me a few days before and come when it suits him.

The fact that it's Xmas is a bit of a red herring, I wouldn't be comfortable with this any day rn as they are like strangers to my baby.

He just wants a few Facebook picture being doting dad and his patents being doting grandparents while realistically he and they add no value to your kids life.

Slightlyboredandseverlyconfused · 18/12/2023 18:33

At 10 months old I wouldn’t have been happy for DC to be with strangers to them and so far away for that length of time. No way. If the child doesn’t have a bond with any of them that’s not ok.

I think you going with would be the ideal but I wouldn’t say sorry unless I’d done something wrong either.

I think it’s fine to say no. May be suggest a meet somewhere inbetween on Boxing Day as a compromise? It’s not like DC will have any awareness of Xmas at that age.

Slightlyboredandseverlyconfused · 18/12/2023 18:35

Mumof2teens79 · 18/12/2023 18:30

Apologies if this seems crass, but a baby is for life, not just for Christmas!

He needs to be an active father before he can take DD further than the end if the garden. That means regularly (more than once a week ideally)caring for her for several hours.

Yes. I agree. He needs to build trust and safety and become a secondary attachment figure.

Anisette · 18/12/2023 18:40

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:14

He says I am denying my baby their family. But I've offered for them to see the baby if they come to us. He's making me feel so guilty.

So you aren't denying the baby his or her family, are you? Why feel guilty?

Sapphire387 · 18/12/2023 18:41

So to summarise -

He treated you like crap during pregnancy.

His parents didn't want you to keep the baby.

He refused to go on the bc.

He denied paternity and you had to take him to court for cm.

He barely sees the child.

Your baby is still breastfeeding (which is great btw).

He wants to take the baby on a four-hour round trip on Christmas Day, 6+ hours in total.

He and his parents think YOU are the problem.

OP, they are so ridiculous it is almost laughable, if it wasn't so stressful.

Collaborate · 18/12/2023 18:42

Mumof2teens79 · 18/12/2023 18:30

Apologies if this seems crass, but a baby is for life, not just for Christmas!

He needs to be an active father before he can take DD further than the end if the garden. That means regularly (more than once a week ideally)caring for her for several hours.

That’s wholly unrealistic. You expect father at least twice a week to see the child at OP’s house for a lengthy period before he can see the child on his own? Food for the lawyers.

Slightlyboredandseverlyconfused · 18/12/2023 18:43

Sapphire387 · 18/12/2023 18:41

So to summarise -

He treated you like crap during pregnancy.

His parents didn't want you to keep the baby.

He refused to go on the bc.

He denied paternity and you had to take him to court for cm.

He barely sees the child.

Your baby is still breastfeeding (which is great btw).

He wants to take the baby on a four-hour round trip on Christmas Day, 6+ hours in total.

He and his parents think YOU are the problem.

OP, they are so ridiculous it is almost laughable, if it wasn't so stressful.

Well put.

Angelsrose · 18/12/2023 18:43

Please don't willingly put your baby around these illogical people who didn't want you to have your DC, offered you no support when you were pregnant but now are desperate to see your DC (surprise surprise). Give these people a wide berth.

StaunchMomma · 18/12/2023 18:46

A 4 hour round trip on Xmas day? For a 10 month old he hardly knows?

Absolutely not!!