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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not letting ex take baby on Xmas Day?

490 replies

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:04

I have a DC with my ex who is 10 months old.

Ex has never had DC alone and sees them sporadically (once went almost 2 months without a visit) although has been getting better recently.

Exes parents have also only seen DC a few times. I've offered and invited them to things, offered to meet, but they've not taken me up on offers.

Ex wants to take DC to his parents for half the day on Xmas and thinks it's his and his parents right to have baby there on Xmas Day.

I've offered ex and his parents to come here and visit DC, but he thinks I'm being unreasonable to not let him take baby. His parents live 2 hours away and I'm also still breastfeeding.

Ex isn't on the BC. He does pay maintenance now though (after I went to CMS).

AIBU? Thanks

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 21/12/2023 06:52

No, you’re BF, so they come to you or they don’t see baby. Once he’s started caring for baby only he can take baby, not before then

peachesarenom · 21/12/2023 06:57

I think you've been very kind to offer a visit on Christmas day!

The baby is breastfed so won't be ok for that long without you.

They are strangers to your baby and they are incredibly rude to you, are you sure your baby would even be safe with them? What if she were distressed and crying for you?

Please stick up for your baby! I know you want to make sure your baby knows about all her family and there is time for that but this Christmas and this scenario is the wrong time.

Mumto6ac · 21/12/2023 07:31

Not being unreasonable at all, there’s no way that I would allow any child to spend time with people they don’t really know well 2 hours away from me. It’s not like you can just pop 10 minutes down the road to get baby if they become distressed. Does your ex not realise what a 2 hour drive with a screaming baby is like?
You’ve offered for his family to visit you & see your child even though they didn’t want you to have the baby & have given you no support since, I think that’s very reasonable . It’s their problem if they don’t want to see you, not yours! Enjoy Christmas with your little one ❤️

ItsHardlyRocketScience · 21/12/2023 08:38

YANBU.
Tell him he's a long way off having the baby for half a day, Christmas or not. That is not happening now. If it helps, have an ally with you, and write down your key points.
You don't need to debate or make a case.
If he and his parents wish to build a relationship with the baby then they need to show consistent commitment to you and the baby, starting with visiting you, on your terms, in the New Year.

SunRainStorm · 21/12/2023 08:53

They want to cherry pick the 'fun' parts of having a baby in the family.

They've not only been unsupportive of you and the baby, they've actively vilified and bullied you.

Fuck them. They don't mean well.

If they were capable of loving the baby and doing right by the baby, they would be supporting you the mother!

Larob · 21/12/2023 10:18

This…it’s about putting the baby first and then both parents will have a meaningful relationship. If you’re just looking to save face or can’t be around for the mundane or the bad days then you’re not parenting, you’re fun uncle dad.
I also have a feeling when dad clocks childcare costs/responsibilities he will no longer want 50/50.

DontBeADick11 · 21/12/2023 11:39

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable… tell him to JOG ON.

Sounds like this is all about what they want and not what your baby needs!

STICK TO YOUR GUNS OP

pastelrainbowsss · 21/12/2023 11:50

I saw an account on tik tok where the mum replied to all the messages from her child’s father as if she was working in HR.

It was funny to read but actually really effective. Cut through ridiculous demands and kept boundaries clear.

If you’re getting guilt trip messages, something like that could help.

InefficientProcess · 21/12/2023 12:59

pastelrainbowsss · 21/12/2023 11:50

I saw an account on tik tok where the mum replied to all the messages from her child’s father as if she was working in HR.

It was funny to read but actually really effective. Cut through ridiculous demands and kept boundaries clear.

If you’re getting guilt trip messages, something like that could help.

Those videos are very funny. It’s a good suggestion - reply to him like you’re HR.

See this example: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGeNwFmAm/

He looks absolutely unhinged.

TikTok - Make Your Day

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGeNwFmAm/

Sophierx89 · 21/12/2023 13:00

I think you are being very reasonable to even invite them to yours to come and see your child, if they don't make the effort through the year then why should you let them take the child on christmas day, your child's first Christmas too! Stand your ground.

bakingmummy21 · 21/12/2023 13:19

DC’s first Christmas? That’d be a no from me for all the reasons others have said. Do not cave in on this one, you’ll definitely regret it. And do not feel guilty about it. Have a lovely day with your DC and whoever else you choose, baby’s first Christmas is always very special.

Magpie2310 · 22/12/2023 09:22

No. Absolutely no!
They didn't want you to have the baby but they think it's their "right" to see baby at Christmas? Is it just me that thinks this is a little backwards? If they never wanted you to have the baby, then to me they don't even get the chance to have a relationship with the baby. You've been more than generous with offering them that.

As for ex, if he doesn't have anything set up then I don't understand how he thinks it would work. Even for half a day he would need a few bits, as you've already pointed out, and if he doesn't have them and you provide them are you guaranteed to get them back? And on top of all that, breastfeeding - has he suddenly worked out how to do that himself? Or is he just assuming baby won't need to feed or you'll be perfectly OK with Formula after 10 months of BF?

To be honest I'd be inclined to just cut them all out. They clearly didn't want you to go through with the pregnancy and now they're causing you stress around what's supposed to be a happy time of year (especially baby's FIRST Christmas!) because they seem to think they have a right to a relationship with a little human they never wanted in the first place. If you want them in baby's life fair enough, but I would be taking this as a sign to cut them out completely. First it's Christmas, what will they demand next? A whole holiday weekend after 3 months of no contact?

They didn't want baby, they haven't made any efforts to see baby, and even ex is doing the bare minimum and only now that baby doesn't need as much looking after as 6 months ago. Hard no to Christmas Day, seriously consider withdrawing all contact completely.

Missjd87 · 22/12/2023 10:16

YANBU!
Absolutely not, you’re breastfeeding and have offered compromise.

He can put up or shut up.

CaroleSinger · 22/12/2023 10:30

So they wanted you to terminate the baby but they'll be heartbroken if they don't see DC for a couple of hours Christmas day? They need to make their minds up. You don't say sorry for anything. Their behaviour has been appalling. Perhaps remind him it was his parents who wanted you to terminate their grandchild.

Beabarb · 22/12/2023 12:30

That apology should be “I’m sorry I didn’t have the abortion you wanted but actually my body, my choice.” Preferably in public in front of their friends.

Fraaahnces · 22/12/2023 13:11

@Beabarb - no. “I’m sorry you wanted me to have an abortion and now distrust the very fleeting interest you have chosen to show my baby. I’m sorry that you think this tiny, living, defenceless human being is a prop to be used on social media to make it look like your son is a good father and you are good grandparents. I’m sorry that I thought you were all better people but I will never be sorry that I followed my own heart and had my baby.”

ftp · 22/12/2023 13:45

Baby it too young to know about Christmas, so it is not for him/her, but probably for grandmother, not even for his father. Say NO. Travelling out in the cold and damp away from you is not on at all.

DC's birthday is soon, so perhaps suggest that they could visit for that, as the weather will be better, and possibly you will not be feeding then (whether that is your plan or not, you could say it)

Which of them is not going to have a drink to do the driving safely?

Beabarb · 22/12/2023 14:45

This is the way.

moomoomoo27 · 22/12/2023 16:25

This is going to be the only AIBU thread ever where literally everyone agrees.

Nomagicflute · 22/12/2023 18:10

confusedex2 · 20/12/2023 11:38

I just feel sick about the whole thing tbh.

I know no matter what I do I'll be the bad person, and I feel like I'm struggling to enjoy Christmas now.

Thank you all for the really good advice.

It sounds tough. But remember you're not the bad person. Maybe to them but they're wrong. Better to be the bad person to them than to your baby or yourself.

Sorry they put you in this position though, really not nice.

SapphireSeptember · 22/12/2023 23:00

Bunch of arseholes! So they didn't want you to have your baby in the first place, and now suddenly they want to have your baby for Christmas? Fuck that! Also your ex was cheating on you while you were pregnant? Really scummy behaviour there.

Jojo8519 · 22/12/2023 23:19

Definitely not being unfair, I’d go as far as to say that if you did allow this to happen, you’d be a bad mum. It’s not natural for a BF baby to be away from its mother for long, certainly not two hours away. You are completely right in your stance! Hold on to your mum senses. Just remember, you’d feel more guilty letting your baby miss you and not have a booby when needed than you will for not letting them take YOUR child, that you care for day in and day out! They can come to you, if not then it’s not about spending time with baby. It’s Christmas, you only get so many… before they’re grown. Stand your ground OP, mum knows best! And merry Christmas x

SunRainStorm · 22/12/2023 23:45

moomoomoo27 · 22/12/2023 16:25

This is going to be the only AIBU thread ever where literally everyone agrees.

This is actually Mumsnet at its best. A new mum was doubting herself, clearly being bullied in real life and came here for a sense check.

Over 500 people took the time to tell her she's doing a great job, her instincts are spot on, and to back herself.

👏 👏 👏

Dutch1e · 23/12/2023 08:49

SunRainStorm · 22/12/2023 23:45

This is actually Mumsnet at its best. A new mum was doubting herself, clearly being bullied in real life and came here for a sense check.

Over 500 people took the time to tell her she's doing a great job, her instincts are spot on, and to back herself.

👏 👏 👏

Show quote history

Well said!

Branwells77 · 23/12/2023 11:31

@Leavethebathalone Mr Manchild 😂 would be in for a big shock your post made me giggle mainly because your spot on 😂