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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not letting ex take baby on Xmas Day?

490 replies

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:04

I have a DC with my ex who is 10 months old.

Ex has never had DC alone and sees them sporadically (once went almost 2 months without a visit) although has been getting better recently.

Exes parents have also only seen DC a few times. I've offered and invited them to things, offered to meet, but they've not taken me up on offers.

Ex wants to take DC to his parents for half the day on Xmas and thinks it's his and his parents right to have baby there on Xmas Day.

I've offered ex and his parents to come here and visit DC, but he thinks I'm being unreasonable to not let him take baby. His parents live 2 hours away and I'm also still breastfeeding.

Ex isn't on the BC. He does pay maintenance now though (after I went to CMS).

AIBU? Thanks

OP posts:
StaunchMomma · 18/12/2023 18:46

Slightlyboredandseverlyconfused · 18/12/2023 18:43

Well put.

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I'd send that summary straight to him.

He's a dick.

RampantIvy · 18/12/2023 18:47

His parents live 2 hours away and I'm also still breastfeeding.

That makes it a hard no then.

Lochness1975 · 18/12/2023 18:48

No way would I allow it. The thought of your poor baby being with strangers all day. They want to see the baby then they come to you.

Treeinthesky · 18/12/2023 18:49

Tbh why take this to court. Just let him.have his son. U have him til 2. He be tired then. Feed him pack some.food and be back later on. At 10 month they only bf 2 or 3 times a day.

MILTOBE · 18/12/2023 18:49

I've heard it all now.

Of course you should say no. Be prepared for anything you say to be used against you, though, so a nice summary as given above by @Sapphire387 could perhaps be sent in a message, just to ram it home.

He won't care anyway - all he and his awful parents care about is putting on a show for other people.

Pluviophile1 · 18/12/2023 18:50

His parents have said that I have now "made a choice that will cause irreversible damage" (ex has forwarded me the text from them today).

Stand firm OP. You are being more than reasonable by offering them an alternative to their ridiculous plan. Keep a copy of all of these messages for future reference.

Seymour5 · 18/12/2023 18:50

Collaborate · 18/12/2023 18:42

That’s wholly unrealistic. You expect father at least twice a week to see the child at OP’s house for a lengthy period before he can see the child on his own? Food for the lawyers.

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Don’t non resident parents have to build up some sort of relationship with their child before taking them away from the only parent they really know? This man initially denied paternity, he didn’t volunteer child support, and wants to see the baby just when it suits him.

The OP wants to organise more contact, the father can’t be bothered except when it suits him at short notice. I’d have thought if he took her to court for regular access it would suit her more than him!

Mumof2teens79 · 18/12/2023 18:51

Collaborate · 18/12/2023 18:42

That’s wholly unrealistic. You expect father at least twice a week to see the child at OP’s house for a lengthy period before he can see the child on his own? Food for the lawyers.

Show quote history

I expect a father to show significant interest in being an active part of a child's life.
More than once a week is not "at least twice a week" but no I don't think that's unreasonable. I know dad's that have done this and made the effort to visit newborn daily, to do bedtime, to do baths, to do weaning and play games.
The point is it doesn't sound like he knows anything about childcare....which isn't unusual but he hasn't made any effort to try and learn.

Tandora · 18/12/2023 18:52

Luckyduc · 18/12/2023 18:07

Why is he not in the birth certificate? It seems like you're the issue ...its his child too and really from the moment your child was born they should have been an agreement in place what days he has the child and what days you have the child. You're facing years of issues because you're both acting like children.

Good Lord what is wrong with you??!! 🤬.

Goodlard · 18/12/2023 18:53

Treeinthesky · 18/12/2023 18:49

Tbh why take this to court. Just let him.have his son. U have him til 2. He be tired then. Feed him pack some.food and be back later on. At 10 month they only bf 2 or 3 times a day.

Do they? Says who?

Only experience they breast feed when upset, so taking him to a strange place, with people he didn't know is and he will want to breastfeed to self soothe.

Do you have children? You sound incredibly ill educated on the needs on 10 month old babies.

WimbyAce · 18/12/2023 18:53

A definite no. It is obviously just for the Christmas aesthetic. No thought for the baby's needs at all. I think you are being more than reasonable allowing them to visit you. That is more than a compromise in my opinion.

Xmasisoffsantahascovid · 18/12/2023 18:54

Not sure how he could persuade a judge he has good intentions of being a decent df when he won't be on the birth certificate..
And your baby has a family.... You.

Gettingbysomehow · 18/12/2023 18:56

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:14

He says I am denying my baby their family. But I've offered for them to see the baby if they come to us. He's making me feel so guilty.

I cannot imagine why you feel guilty. He is a proven unreliable parent and you have said they can come to you. Also you are breastfeeding. This whole thing just shows how irresponsible he is. A baby is for life not just for Christmas.

rasellagirl · 18/12/2023 18:58

Definitely NBU. Both distressing for baby and potentially unsafe too.

Hippobot · 18/12/2023 19:01

He wouldn't even know what to do with a baby - absolutely not! There is no way you can allow yourself to be persuaded into this situation. You owe them absolutely nothing. Baby needs you and you need to be with baby. A hard no and that's the end of it. How selfish and unrealistic are these people? Listen to your gut and stick to your guns. It's irrelevant that it's Christmas day, you wouldn't let him take baby off for 4 hours in a car when he hardly has a relationship with baby any other day. You do not need to feel guilty for doing the right thing by your child. You are being a good mother by saying no.

MargotBamborough · 18/12/2023 19:01

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:17

They've said the reason they don't see the baby is they don't want to be around me. They think I owe them an apology for the "stress" I put them through when I was pregnant (they didn't want me to have the baby).
I never had anything to do with them when I was pregnant I spoke to them twice and they never tried to be involved. I'm in my 30s not a child and so is their son.

I get they don't want to see me but I've also been trying to get their son to build up a relationship with DC then he could take the baby on his own but he hasn't done this.

The thought of my baby being confused or upset on Xmas makes me so sad.

If they really cared and really wanted to see DC they'd come here wouldn't they?

Well you and your baby currently come as a package deal because you are your baby's only caregiver.

So they'll have to decide whether they want to see the baby in your presence and on your terms, or not at all.

I'd withdraw the invitation to come and visit on Christmas Day and just spend the day as you wish.

InefficientProcess · 18/12/2023 19:02

Collaborate · 18/12/2023 18:42

That’s wholly unrealistic. You expect father at least twice a week to see the child at OP’s house for a lengthy period before he can see the child on his own? Food for the lawyers.

Show quote history

The courts are most definitely going to agree that he should be seeing the baby in little, regular bursts to build up a relationship before he gets to bigger off hours away with her.

She’s 10 months old, breastfed and barely knows the man.

If only the ‘fathers’ rights’ type of posters could actually consider the child’s needs, rather than what is most convenient for men.

QS90 · 18/12/2023 19:03

Make peace with the fact your ex can't have your baby Christmas day, then switch off from it emotionally and mentally. Enjoy your baby's first Christmas OP x

Olika · 18/12/2023 19:05

Don't feel bad about saying no. And do not apologise to anybody as that's just absolutely ridiculous. Really pisses me off.

Original poster
confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 19:06

@Sapphire387 has it.

@Treeinthesky I could only wish my baby breastfed only 2-3 times a day! DC loves solid food but still bf a lot.

OP posts:
wildwestpioneer · 18/12/2023 19:06

I was going to say that your ex has 50% PR, but as he's shown little interest and your baby is only 10 months old it would be a hell no from me

BoohooWoohoo · 18/12/2023 19:07

Yanbu. They clearly see your son as a photo opportunity for Christmas. Don’t fall for the denying his family bollocks. Ex would have taken you to mediation and court if he really wanted his son to get to know him.
He’s an absolute tool not to consider the breastfeeding aspect too.

Snowdogsmitten · 18/12/2023 19:08

He can fuck right off. Flakey twat. What a failure.

Rachaelrachael · 18/12/2023 19:08

Absolutely no chance. End of story. Don't even give this anymore head space, you don't owe them anything.

Andthereyougo · 18/12/2023 19:09

No. You can’t send a 10 month old on a 2 hour journey to a house and people he barely knows, and won’t remember anyway if he’s only seen them a few times, that’s not a bond.
Your ex is being unreasonable and playing at being fun daddy.
Tell him and his parents they can visit Xmas day afternoon, Boxing Day, whenever suits you.