AIBU re lifts over Christmas ?

[Netball01]

We are hosting my in-laws on Christmas Day this year - I’ve just found out that they are expecting me to drop them home as they want to have a drink and I’m teetotal. AIBU to think this is cheeky and to say no ? My DH is putting on the pressure for me to do it.

For context, they live about 15 mins away so it would be a 30 min round trip for me. We aren’t asking for any contribution towards hosting (financial or otherwise).

YABU - give them a lift
YANBU - don’t give them a lift

That’s the ops fault for letting him get away with it !

So they are expecting you to run around after them all day then drive them home. If it not very far they can walk. The fresh air will do them good

It’s a 15 minute drive, how can they walk 10 miles or so?

If you don’t want to offer to put them up on Christmas night then someone needs to sort a lift. Most families host overnight for this reason at Christmas. One or the other is expected I would say unless you make abundantly clear in the invite… welcome for Christmas dinner but you will need to make your own way home. Doesn’t sound very cheery does it? When I was pregnant I would have just put them up so I didn’t need to bother. And I don’t even like my in-laws

Are you sure they've just assumed, and DP didn't offer on your behalf when they questioned whether it would be easy to get a taxi? Perhaps that's why he's pressuring you to agree?
Seems odd otherwise if they've not relied on you before!

I'd agree on the understanding the kitchen will be sparkling when I got home.

In your position I'd have offered to do this tbh, but you're under no obligation.

Of course it isn’t the only choice. Drinking isn’t a right. 3 other people could potentially drive. Your husband as cohost would be the ‘designated’ driver ideally as you are doing more of the other hosting/cooking work.

Here's why I'd say 'no'.

Xmas Morning I get up, we open presents, have breakfast, and cleanup breakfast things. A couple hours later cooking, tidying, setting table, showering & getting ready, etc, etc commences. And now I'm supposed to stop in the middle of that to make a 1 hour (probably longer if they aren't standing on the kerb waiting for me) round trip to pick up iLs. Then I get home to start playing catch up to dinner prep and cooking for dinner at whatever o'clock. Then after it's cooked, served, eaten and the dishes are cleared away to the kitchen for later washing & the leftovers safely refrigerated, I finally sit down for a cup of tea or a soda to relax and visit for a bit before starting the cleanup. Then I have to stop in the middle of my relaxation/visiting, or in the middle of cleanup, to make another 1 hour (probably longer after they unload their gifts and I see them safely through the front door) round trip, only to get home, most likely late at night, to a sink full of dishes to be washed or rinsed and loaded into the dishwasher, counters & tables to wipe down, and general party mess to clear away from the living room.

And all the while my iLs will expect to be waited on as they get drunk. And my DH isn't lifting a finger to carry any part of the load and is slowly getting sloshed himself. To put it succinctly, not only no, but HELL NO!

And it's easy for people to say "Tell your DH to do a fair share of the cooking/clean up" but if was going to do that, he'd have offered to do it when the issue of the ride came up. To paraphrase: You can lead a husband to the kitchen sink, but you can't make him wash the dishes.

FWIW, I don't have a dog in this fight. My DH carries his share of the Xmas load to my satisfaction. My parents and iLs weren't really drinkers so they drove themselves. After our fathers died, when MiL became frail and couldn't drive, DH drove her, he wouldn't have expected me to do so. And when my mum could no longer drive due to advancing dementia, my brother lived with her so drove both of them over. But IMHO there's a big difference in driving an elderly parent who is frail or with dementia and driving perfectly capable parents who just want to drink.

YANBU - imho if DH wants them to have a lift home then he can drive them, as there is nothing stopping him from staying sober and driving them back himself.

If no children involved I’d be tempted to disappear into the hills for the day and leave them all to fend for themselves.

15 mins?
Yabu

Yes this ^

Tell DH and PIL's that lift is available until 8pm after which they can call a cab as you're putting children to bed and changing into your pyjamas. Set firm boundaries now with both of them ESPECIALLY DH - "Do you have my back DH, can I trust you to listen to me and stick up for me?"

"To paraphrase: You can lead a husband to the kitchen sink, but you can't make him wash the dishes."

And therein lies the underlying problem.

Makes me very grateful to be with a fully functioning adult who knows how to look after himself and those around him without a list and an ultimatum

welcome for Christmas dinner but you will need to make your own way home. Doesn’t sound very cheery does it?

I think it is perfectly reasonable and no different to any other event the in laws go to. They either need to get themselves there and back again, book a taxi or, you know-they could use their words and actually ask the OP if she minds!?

Are they expecting her to go and collect them in the morning as well? Without actually asking her first?

There is lots of assumption here on the part of everyone else assuming that they can have a nice day doing nothing and she will do everything just because ‘t’s Christmas.’ But they haven’t actually even bothered to ask her!

@Netball01 lots of replies here. What have you said to your DH/them?

Depends on whether you are doing the lion’s share of the planning and cooking, I guess.

If hubby takes on the responsibility of organising the day and leading the cooking, there’s no reason why you can’t do the lifts?

But if you’re rushed off your feet and expected to do the lifts on top of everything else, I can see why it’s burdensome.

For myself I think a 30 minute round trip is nothing if you aren't planning on drinking anyway and I’d do that for anyone let alone close family. To put things into perspective, I’ve got a 2 1/2 hour round trip with 2 drop offs on christmas day evening.
That said, if most of the planning, entertaining, cooking, cleaning up etc at christmas is left to you then I can see why you would be upset yet another task is being pushed onto you.

Eh?! Of course of you’re not being unreasonable. Just because you don’t drink doesn’t mean that people are entitled to your time (and petrol) driving them about. Let alone that you are also hosting Xmas day - cooking and cleaning with no contributions. They should book a taxi and then you can fully relax too after dinner.

OP deciding for herself whether or not to offer is one thing. The ILs taking it for granted is another.

@FestiveFruitloop - actually I agree with you. I was thinking about it from my point of view and that I wouldn't mind at all. But of course the in-laws shouldn't just expect it.

You're not being unreasonable. But we don't know enough about your family dynamics and how you "just found out" to know how reasonable you're being. I see lots of people would think it's a perfectly reasonable thing to do, and I agree. It's not unreasonable to expect to be consulted and asked, or to say No if you feel they're taking the mick.

I’m teetotal & im always the dessie too I don’t mind but some people just don’t think they just assume I will do it; but I must add our friends are always grateful & usually send a thank you message before I’ve got to the end of their road which is always nice to read when I get home x

The favour itself is fine, half an hour round trip when you don’t drink? Not really a biggy. What would piss me off is the assumption, not even bothering to ask you if you wouldn’t mind.

Book a taxi

My husband does this every New Year for my family as he isn’t a big drinker! It’s a lovely and kind gesture from him to them.

I wouldn't mind as it's only 30 mins. But I want to be asked and appreciated.