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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Spending Christmas with people you really don't want to ...

274 replies

ChristmasHarmony · 18/12/2023 08:55

DP and I live separately although we've been together for 15 years. We tried living together and it wasn't great so we agreed we'd all be happier living apart. It works very well.

DP has adult children who he sees regularly. One of the main reasons we don't live together was due to difficulties with the children/ex when they were smaller. Long story, loads of examples of awful bullying behaviours and incredibly unkind treatment. As a result we're all happier but I don't see the adult children at all.

Due to many reasons, Covid, elderly relatives, unwell relatives, we haven't had many Christmasses together over the last 3 or 4. This year DP is spending Christmas at mine - I was really looking forward to it. He's just told he's invited his children to come over and spend the day with us. Not unreasonable? So why does it feel like a massive damper has been put over my Christmas - I'd rather be alone TBH than spend it with two young adults and their partners who have been so horribly hurtful in the past.

I know I'm going to get firebombed. I'm not a step parent through choice. I was not involved in any way in the break up of the marriage. I fully support him needing to be a parent - I just don't want to see them on this special day. I doubt they want to see me very much either.

OP posts:

Tistheseason23 · 18/12/2023 08:57

Do Christmas at his and then you can leave and go home when you’ve had enough.

CactusPat · 18/12/2023 09:00

I actually don’t think you are being unreasonable to be disappointed that people who are nasty to you have been invited to your house. Why on earth didn’t DP ask you first?

DuploTrain · 18/12/2023 09:00

That is very unreasonable!

It would be very unreasonable to spring any extra uninvited guests on your for Christmas Day with a week’s notice. Never mind ones that don’t get on with you.

Tell him that you haven’t offered to host that number of people and he’ll have to host at his house.

Original poster

ChristmasHarmony · 18/12/2023 09:00

Sorry, I missed out a hugely relevant point! He's having works done at his - it's cold and miserable in his house at the moment.

OP posts:

merrymerrychristmasall · 18/12/2023 09:01

He invited them without talking to you? He invited them to your home without talking to you about it first, is that correct?

Given the lacklustre history, I am surprised that he didn’t have a chat with you first. I don’t think you are being unreasonable for not wanting to spend the day with adults that you didn’t invite and don’t like!

DisforDarkChocolate · 18/12/2023 09:01

YANBU and it's awful of your partner do invite them without asking you.

If you don't want to say no, what can you do to make it easier? Allowed only for a set time, plans to keep yourself busy if you want to?

I'd be very clear with my partner that unless the were polite then they will be told to leave.

SquishyGloopyBum · 18/12/2023 09:01

He had no business inviting anyone to yours without discussing it first. It doesn't matter who it is. That's the unreasonable part. I'd be really annoyed.

LizzieSiddal · 18/12/2023 09:02

I accepted long ago that the vast majority people don’t get to spend Xmas day with those they would only choose too. Dh and I just get on with it then blank out days after Xmas when we don’t see anyone except each other. It’s heaven!

readymealeater · 18/12/2023 09:03

This year DP is spending Christmas at mine - I was really looking forward to it. He's just told he's invited his children to come over and spend the day with us.

Did he pull a bait and switch on you? If he did, he's bang out of order!

I don't think you should allow this.

LizzieSiddal · 18/12/2023 09:03

ChristmasHarmony · 18/12/2023 09:00

Sorry, I missed out a hugely relevant point! He's having works done at his - it's cold and miserable in his house at the moment.

He still should have asked you! The fact he hasn’t and you haven’t seen them for years is a very odd thing for him to do.

Greenpolkadot · 18/12/2023 09:03

Does he know about they way they treated you in the past ? If so why would he invite them without checking with you first ?
He's a cf

KnowThyself · 18/12/2023 09:03

He should have asked and not just invited but I can honestly say you have given no example over why they upset you so no idea if you are making a fuss or they were awful. DH Mother still has her knickers in a twist over a broken cut glass bowl that her SIL broke about 35 years ago.

Original poster

ChristmasHarmony · 18/12/2023 09:04

He very much knows the history - it was our life and it was extremely difficult. His coping mechanism is to ignore it and hope it goes away. He would have known how I would feel if he'd asked and I can only guess that is why he didn't ask. He quietly dropped it into conversation.

OP posts:

DuploTrain · 18/12/2023 09:04

His choices are:

Spend Christmas with you alone.
Spend Christmas with his children and find a venue (one of their houses).

This has clearly been planned with his children for much longer, they would have known where they were going for Christmas Day.

Aren’t you furious with him? You seem very accepting that you just have to roll over and facilitate this because he’s said so.

DisforDarkChocolate · 18/12/2023 09:04

His house may be cold and miserable but that does mean he gets to invite people to your house without asking you. I'd be putting my foot down but I'm increasingly grumpy.

readymealeater · 18/12/2023 09:04

His coping mechanism is to ignore it

Seems he's hoping it is yours too!

CreationNat1on · 18/12/2023 09:05

Tell him to host his children at the local hotel, your home is not the halfway house.

CactusPat · 18/12/2023 09:07

I also am annoyed on your behalf that you just seem a bit sad and accepting that your Christmas will be horrid, as opposed to bloody livid with your DP, who couldn’t even be bothered to have a conversation with you about it and presumably expects you to now accommodate 4 more guests with 6 days notice.

Original poster

ChristmasHarmony · 18/12/2023 09:07

@KnowThyself I don't want to give out too much identifying information but its an awful lot more than one broken piece of glass.

@readymealeater yes you're right - it will turn into a row if I raise any objection.

@DuploTrain I'm not furious as I've accepted such dreadful circumstances over the years I'm a little numb to it. I'm just sad the Christmas I was looking forward to has now been ruined.

OP posts:

Tistheseason23 · 18/12/2023 09:08

Good idea to go out to eat then everybody go to their own homes afterwards.

DisforDarkChocolate · 18/12/2023 09:08

I know you have been together a long time but think about how this is going to play out in the future. You aren't going to weddings, or Christenings, or anything like that. For all big events you're being left behind. What happens if he gets ill, are you good enough to be a carer but not good enough to be at the funeral?

DuploTrain · 18/12/2023 09:09

I’d be asking myself why I was in a relationship where my feelings don’t matter at all.

Olika · 18/12/2023 09:09

I would be well pissed off. He cannot just quietly invite more people and drop it in a convo thinking it's ok just because he deals with things by ignoring them. As he cannot host at his then he can go to one of his kids'.

readymealeater · 18/12/2023 09:11

We tried living together and it wasn't great so we agreed we'd all be happier living apart. It works very well.

Well, the beauty of living apart should be that you don't have to have people in your house you don't want!

DP has adult children who he sees regularly. One of the main reasons we don't live together was due to difficulties with the children/ex when they were smaller.

DP knows how serious this problem was as it caused you to live apart.

As a result we're all happier but I don't see the adult children at all.

So why does he think you want to see them now, at Christmas?

Seems you are more into this relationship than DP? He doesn't want to be alone with you at Christmas and is inviting people he knows will make you unhappy!

He's just told he's invited his children to come over and spend the day with us. Not unreasonable?

YES unreasonable, because he's pulled a fast one on you here! Sneaky!

So why does it feel like a massive damper has been put over my Christmas.

Um...because it has? Of course it has!

I'd rather be alone TBH than spend it with two young adults and their partners who have been so horribly hurtful in the past.

Then that's what you tell him. If he can't see that, he doesn't care about your feelings at all.

I just don't want to see them on this special day. I doubt they want to see me very much either.

Then it's complete madness to do so. Seems his ability to put his head in the sand and ignore stuff includes you, his partner!

MassageForLife · 18/12/2023 09:11

ChristmasHarmony · 18/12/2023 09:07

@KnowThyself I don't want to give out too much identifying information but its an awful lot more than one broken piece of glass.

@readymealeater yes you're right - it will turn into a row if I raise any objection.

@DuploTrain I'm not furious as I've accepted such dreadful circumstances over the years I'm a little numb to it. I'm just sad the Christmas I was looking forward to has now been ruined.

It's time for you to get furious.

It seems like you put yourself last within this relationship, and he has just come to accept it. Tell him in no uncertain terms that they are not welcome in your house, and he's welcome to spend Christmas with them, but he'll be spending it elsewhere.

Then buy in your favourite food and have a solo chilled out Christmas putting yourself first.

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