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Original poster

Spending Christmas with people you really don't want to ...

274 replies

ChristmasHarmony · 18/12/2023 08:55

DP and I live separately although we've been together for 15 years. We tried living together and it wasn't great so we agreed we'd all be happier living apart. It works very well.

DP has adult children who he sees regularly. One of the main reasons we don't live together was due to difficulties with the children/ex when they were smaller. Long story, loads of examples of awful bullying behaviours and incredibly unkind treatment. As a result we're all happier but I don't see the adult children at all.

Due to many reasons, Covid, elderly relatives, unwell relatives, we haven't had many Christmasses together over the last 3 or 4. This year DP is spending Christmas at mine - I was really looking forward to it. He's just told he's invited his children to come over and spend the day with us. Not unreasonable? So why does it feel like a massive damper has been put over my Christmas - I'd rather be alone TBH than spend it with two young adults and their partners who have been so horribly hurtful in the past.

I know I'm going to get firebombed. I'm not a step parent through choice. I was not involved in any way in the break up of the marriage. I fully support him needing to be a parent - I just don't want to see them on this special day. I doubt they want to see me very much either.

OP posts:
OwlWeiwei · 18/12/2023 09:31

They are adults. Surely they can celebrate Christmas in their own homes if the feelings between them and you are so fractious.

But if not, have your dream Christmas Day with DH on Christmas Eve and tell him that's what you want - stockings, food, walks, films, anything you had hoped for - do it all a day early.

Then treat Christmas Day like Boxing Day - rellie-duty! Take control of what you want to and can control. Would you prefer to be in the kitchen cooking, so you don't have to spend time with them? If so, make that the deal with DH. You are left alone to listen to carols, sip wine and prep food in peace. Or would you rather make zero effort and let him and his lot into the kitchen to make their own food while you read your new books and wallow in your new bvath stuff, and just put in a polite appearance for drinks?

Is there any chance at all, now they are adults, that they will want to make amends for the past? if so, maybe stay open to that. And if not, never let their behaviour dictate yours. Be adult and civil and welcoming in at least a professional sort of way.

JazzyJogger · 18/12/2023 09:33

Tistheseason23 · 18/12/2023 08:57

Do Christmas at his and then you can leave and go home when you’ve had enough.

This

Original poster
ChristmasHarmony · 18/12/2023 09:35

The posters who have suggested assertiveness is the issue are spot on. I don't feel like I have any option - I know how ridiculous that sounds as it's my own home.

DP is very welcome and he's been staying at mine a lot as his place is currently uncomfortable (but not entirely unliveable). We agreed early that he would spend Christmas as mine. He assumed he could have the kids over without discussion. I assumed he knew I wouldn't like that.

Due to his known behaviours and my lack of assertiveness we're in this situation. It can't be changed without a massive fall out. I'm not prepared to have that again. There was an awful lot of it and that's the reason we live separate.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 18/12/2023 09:37

Nope. Wouldn't be happening.
He doesn't get to railroad you into hosting his grown up kids, especially if you have no contact with them normally.
It sounds like he's blackmailing you, as in, he'll only come if they're invited too.
I'd rather spend the day on my tod, and I'd reevaluate the whole relationship.

MinnieGirl · 18/12/2023 09:41

I would take a very long hard look at your relationship with this man. He knows very well what his children have done to you over the years he just chooses to ignore it for a quiet life.
Inviting them to your house for Christmas is so nasty. It shows he doesn’t care about your feelings or happiness at all. He knows the problems but he has still invited them.
I would tell him no. You are not having them in your house not this Christmas not ever. If he wants to spend the day with you he is welcome but his children are not. And if he wants to spend the day with them he goes elsewhere.
Make your stand, and if it kicks off a row let it. Enjoy the day in your own without his nasty spiteful children, who as adults should know how to behave and clearly don’t.

MassageForLife · 18/12/2023 09:41

ChristmasHarmony · 18/12/2023 09:35

The posters who have suggested assertiveness is the issue are spot on. I don't feel like I have any option - I know how ridiculous that sounds as it's my own home.

DP is very welcome and he's been staying at mine a lot as his place is currently uncomfortable (but not entirely unliveable). We agreed early that he would spend Christmas as mine. He assumed he could have the kids over without discussion. I assumed he knew I wouldn't like that.

Due to his known behaviours and my lack of assertiveness we're in this situation. It can't be changed without a massive fall out. I'm not prepared to have that again. There was an awful lot of it and that's the reason we live separate.

What's the worst that could happen? He goes back to his house and you split up?

Honestly op, better that than allowing yourself to be walked over time and time again.

CalistoNoSolo · 18/12/2023 09:43

Well if you're not prepared to stand up for yourself it's no wonder your partner takes advantage. If you're scared of causing a massive argument just by saying no to something that he shouldn't have suggested in the first place, then your relationship with him isn't healthy and loving. I'm sorry OP, I hope this thread shows you just how badly your partner treats you.

RampantIvy · 18/12/2023 09:55

I would take a very long hard look at your relationship with this man. He knows very well what his children have done to you over the years he just chooses to ignore it for a quiet life.

I agree with this ^^.
It's no coincidence that he wants Christmas at your place if his house is undergoing renovation.

He treats you like a doormat because you allow it. His DC show contempt for you because their father does.

I would just say "that doesn't work for me, I'll see you after Christmas"

Ktime · 18/12/2023 09:56

ChristmasHarmony · 18/12/2023 09:35

The posters who have suggested assertiveness is the issue are spot on. I don't feel like I have any option - I know how ridiculous that sounds as it's my own home.

DP is very welcome and he's been staying at mine a lot as his place is currently uncomfortable (but not entirely unliveable). We agreed early that he would spend Christmas as mine. He assumed he could have the kids over without discussion. I assumed he knew I wouldn't like that.

Due to his known behaviours and my lack of assertiveness we're in this situation. It can't be changed without a massive fall out. I'm not prepared to have that again. There was an awful lot of it and that's the reason we live separate.

What does this mean sorry? Are you saying you are going to tell him his kids can’t come?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/12/2023 09:56

I would not be getting railroaded like this by someone I didn’t even live with.

MuggleMe · 18/12/2023 09:58

Where do his children live? Can't he ask one of them to host?

MassageForLife · 18/12/2023 10:00

Ktime · 18/12/2023 09:56

What does this mean sorry? Are you saying you are going to tell him his kids can’t come?

Show quote history

No, it means she is going to say nothing because of the potential fall-out of saying no.

cheddercherry · 18/12/2023 10:04

I’m really sorry to read through this but after your last message not sure what you want us to say? I think we mostly all agree you should be able to say you don’t want them to come over and rightly so after their behaviour and he should see them elsewhere but if you won’t say that to him then really you’re just heading straight for the iceberg.

soberfabulous · 18/12/2023 10:04

Gosh OP I really feel for you here.

Unless this man is Idris Elba (who I would make many concessions for 🤪) tell him in no uncertain terms you won't be hosting his kids and damn the consequences!

Original poster
ChristmasHarmony · 18/12/2023 10:06

His son lives with his girlfriend at her parents house. His daughter still lives with her mum so not an option for him to go to them.

@MassageForLife is right, I don't want the unpleasantness of a huge fall out this close to Christmas. I know if sounds pathetic but I'm still quite traumatised by all of the previous fall outs.

It's something to deal with in the New Year but lots of great advice here. Thank you.

OP posts:
cheddercherry · 18/12/2023 10:07

And I agree if you can’t say that to him is this really someone who really is worth your time and care? Because it doesn’t seem at all reciprocated and it more reads like he is making his Christmas work to suit him because of renovations and only now can he suddenly make space to see you because lol and behold you have a house to host his awful children.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/12/2023 10:08

I think you should just finish with him, rather than worrying about fall outs.

barbarahunter · 18/12/2023 10:09

What is so nice about your partner, OP? Wouldn't you like a life filled with peace , no arguments and no horrible people entering your house? Trust me, it is bliss being alone after the misery of having a rotten partner.

Let him argue, let him blow up, what is he going to do? With a bit of luck he will storm out and you can wave goodbye at the doorstep.

You could look ahead to happiness and contentment without him, honestly he is not much of a partner and by the sounds of it he has never been up to much either.

Brefugee · 18/12/2023 10:11

ChristmasHarmony · 18/12/2023 09:00

Sorry, I missed out a hugely relevant point! He's having works done at his - it's cold and miserable in his house at the moment.

That's his problem to solve. Tell him you are not comfortable having them at yours.

Accept that this may mean Christmas without DP again and it may change your relationship.

HaPPy8 · 18/12/2023 10:11

I think if they were early teens at the time of things and this is a long term relationship it’s worth trying to move on.

NonPlayerCharacter · 18/12/2023 10:11

I'm not a step parent through choice.

Well you are...you chose a man with kids. But still, he should not be bringing people to your house without asking first.

ETA: It sounds as though these things happened some time ago when they were just kids going through changes. Can you really not get past it?

Mojolostforever · 18/12/2023 10:14

LizzieSiddal · 18/12/2023 09:02

I accepted long ago that the vast majority people don’t get to spend Xmas day with those they would only choose too. Dh and I just get on with it then blank out days after Xmas when we don’t see anyone except each other. It’s heaven!

This. It's Christmas day, thousands of people spend it with people they don't like.

BerfyTigot · 18/12/2023 10:14

Can you invite a few other people to "dilute" the kids?

Sumerian · 18/12/2023 10:14

Just tell him you've had a think about it and it and hosting everyone doesn't work for you. He can host at his, he can cancel, he can try and book a restaurant, etc. Its not like there are no other options, its just they are slightly inconvenient options for him. You are the easiest choice because you won't stand up for yourself.

But your home is your safe space, your sanctuary and you shouldn't be forced to accept people who will trash it just to make him happy. You are allowed to say no.

Trixibella · 18/12/2023 10:14

I’ve only read the OP’s posts so someone may have suggested this but can you book a restaurant for a nice Christmas lunch so you don’t have to have them in your house? And you can retreat home if it’s less than good manners all round?