Spending Christmas with people you really don't want to ...

[ChristmasHarmony]

DP and I live separately although we've been together for 15 years. We tried living together and it wasn't great so we agreed we'd all be happier living apart. It works very well.

DP has adult children who he sees regularly. One of the main reasons we don't live together was due to difficulties with the children/ex when they were smaller. Long story, loads of examples of awful bullying behaviours and incredibly unkind treatment. As a result we're all happier but I don't see the adult children at all.

Due to many reasons, Covid, elderly relatives, unwell relatives, we haven't had many Christmasses together over the last 3 or 4. This year DP is spending Christmas at mine - I was really looking forward to it. He's just told he's invited his children to come over and spend the day with us. Not unreasonable? So why does it feel like a massive damper has been put over my Christmas - I'd rather be alone TBH than spend it with two young adults and their partners who have been so horribly hurtful in the past.

I know I'm going to get firebombed. I'm not a step parent through choice. I was not involved in any way in the break up of the marriage. I fully support him needing to be a parent - I just don't want to see them on this special day. I doubt they want to see me very much either.

YANBU
He's changed the landscape; you were promised one thing, now it's morphed. Extract and retreat. If he wants his Xmas with his people, that's fine, you don't have to go along with it.

This...
He knew what he was doing, and he knew how you'd respond, and that's why he did what he did.

I'd be making it abundantly clear there is a change of plan.

Change of plan; no longer hosting, somethings come up. He can go visit people; hosting isn't happening here; sorweeeee! Maybe next time

Were they children/adolescents when they were awful to you? Does them being willing to come to your house with their partners for Christmas mean they will be up for a more mature, pleasant relationship? If so, I think you should try to let the past lie and ‘start from here’.

You can't really tell people they aren't allowed to spend Christmas with their own kids. Let them have Christmas together on their own and arrange Boxing Day or New Year's as your designated special time with just you and DP.

If that were correct then why would they want to come to OP's house?

I have no helpful advice at all but god I feel for you. I hope it all goes as well as it can and I hope you get some enjoyment from Christmas this year, at very least a decent present from DP!!

yabu to say you aren’t a step parent by choice. You chose a man with children. There are billions of others. His kids should come before you always and you as the (relative) adult here should accommodate.

yanbu to be annoyed that your planned Christmas is now not materialising. Perhaps best if he hosts and you can leave if it gets too much?

Thanks for all the support. Lots to think about after Christmas. I'll do an update on Boxing Day for anyone who's interested in how it went, can it really be any worse that I think it could be :-)
Do we need one?

Despite the almost unanimous response to the questions you asked, you're going to be a martyr/doormat (can't decide) and then run to report on what happened?
It's a situation of your own choosing. Hope it's a great day but I doubt anyone's going to be hanging on the edge of there seat waiting for a blow by blow 🤷‍♀️

OK, brace yourself. He's not your partner. At most he's your boyfriend. He does not respect you. He has not even considered your wishes/feelings and has invited people you don't really like to your home.
The only reason he's at yours is because he can't host at his.
If you want to maintain some kind of relationship (maybe he's decent company, or a compatible Fbuddy) you need to accept things for what they are. Lower your expectations of romance or love and have things on your terms. Start by saying you think you'd rather go out for a meal and leave it for him to sort. Alternatively let him cook the dinner whilst you visit someone else, returning to eat, say hello to SC then retire. Make your own plans for Xmas eve, maybe even staying out and returning for lunch. Don't buy any treats, alcohol etc. They'll soon bugger off.

I think it’s very selfless of you to accommodate the children (albeit adults) given how they have treated you. It also shows your care for your DP, I hope he appreciates you!

Do you think they are keen on coming to yours?

I wouldn't wait until after Christmas to raise it. Even if you do want to avoid a row, he should be told now how unfair he has been to you, while he has the opportunity to change it. Tell him that you'll welcome them (if you must) but that it was very unfair of him to invite people into your home that you have a negative history with and that you'll now be feeling uncomfortable in your own home.

I don't think he would do anything about it, but then you'd know. If you don't say anything until after the fact he'll only say you should have told him before if it was a problem, feign ignorance and make out like you're in the wrong.

You are allowed to say no. He should have asked not just presented it as ‘this is happening’. He knows you’ll back down for a quiet life so don’t. Show him the worm turns. My brother tried this shot in me when he got together with a headcase with two feral pre-teens. My mum asked what he was doing at the weekend and he said ‘we’re going out for dinner and bashful is babysitting!’ I just said ‘oh really first I’ve heard of it. You might want to actually ask me first!’ He just assumed I’d be happy to spend my Saturday looking after someone else’s kids just because him abc his ex decided that suited them. To be fair he did ask then but I actually had plans.

I can just imagine the fallout and trauma you are going have on Christmas day! Hope you survive. He is not worth it.

The term isn't "row avoider" or "people pleaser" its doormat. Its not best for anyone.

@ChristmasHarmony why are you so scared to have a row if you say no to his demands? What’s the worst that could happen? Is he likely to become violent? Will he scream in your face? Yell at you and call you names? If he’s verbally aggressive you can ask him to leave and end the relationship over this. He sounds like a terrible partner.

Like others have already said you are being a doormat.

why can't he take them to a hotel or airbnb?
he seems to treat your home like one.

Will you let us all know how it all goes OP ?
Fingers crossed for a peaceful Christmas for you.

Hmm, looks like you're resigned to having them over, so now it's about damage limitation.

Set boundaries - tell him / them an arrival time and a departure time. eg 12-3 or 1-4, and he can go to the local pub with them at departure time if he still wants to hang out with them.

Food and drink - buy in M&S sides, things ready to pop in the oven etc, buy mince pies and puds, couple of bottles of wine, one of bubbly, some soft drinks, and get him to pay for it. Not you. Or if that's too much, split it 1:5 with you paying for yourself and him for himself and his guests. Normally I'd say to split the cooking duties but being alone in the kitchen might be a good thing! Take a glass of wine with you and pop on some carols or music you like, and take a long time prepping the meal.

Hide the rest of your booze. When what you / he have provided specifically for this meal is gone, if they haven't brought anything, then it's off to the pub.

Xmas presents - leave that all to him, not your responsibility.

Before they arrive, remind him of the departure time and tell him he'll enjoy one on one time with them at the pub and you're looking forward to a quiet evening in your own home.

At departure time, stand up and start handing out coats, tell them how much their dad is looking forward to one on one time with them at the pub and wish them a happy new year. Then go and hold open the door.

Don't deviate! Don't let them see any pass-ag behaviour is getting to you. Be a gracious host, albeit with gritted teeth, but you can get through it if you know it's for a finite time, and you can clock-watch anticipating them gone.

Then depending how it went, tell DP on his return you are never having them in your house again. And have a serious think whether or not you want to continue the relationship.

Good luck..

The irony of people telling OP she should stand up to her DP and not be walked all over…

And then berating her for not doing exactly as they’ve told her to..

Glad the thread has given you food for thought OP and you’ve made a decision you’re comfortable with. I’m looking forward to the Boxing Day update.

I couldn't just run... life is too short to suffer this kind of crap... sudden bout of covid on your part, power failure at yours ( can't get engineer to fix till new year?) ring round see if any venues doing xmas dinner and all meet there for few hours only.... ( where I am the venues are pretty desperate for custom as been quiet, you might get lucky) Good Luck!

In the spirit of Christmas, I would go ahead with the plan. It is natural for your DP to want to share XMAS with his children & You. As you are all now adults, and most people are in good spirits during the holidays - why not have everyone and if it doesn't work, you don't have to host again.

Thanks for all of the continued support and some great advice from most. I see the nasties have arrived but I'm not rising to it. I have never said I'm perfect and it was a horrible situation for everyone to be in. That's why I did something to stop it. I am not a martyr or a door mat. I'm a hugely independent woman.

To clear up something that's been raised a few times, the unpleasantness started when they were young teens but continued for years until I moved out 4 years ago, by then they were young adults and as adults they were no less intimidating and unkind than they were as young teens. I don't blame them entirely as I believe they were being encouraged to be horrible. I don't know if they are better now as I haven't seen them since I moved out. When you are being essentially bullied in your own home you retreat and I did things I would never have thought I would. I disengaged almost completely and stayed away as much as possible.

I fully support DP's need to see his children and I've said that all along, I would just prefer not to have to be a part of it. Christmas is different and we all have to do things we wouldn't normally. I will be re-evaluating things in the New Year.

Christmas really isn't any different to other days of the year. It's just lunch with - mostly - relatives. Why hasn't your partner organised a Sunday lunch for you, him and his unpleasant adult children at a neutral location before now?

You came on this forum to ask advice and advice has been almost unanimous. Of course you will do whatever you want but, given the backstory you provided, to say you're not being a martyr is self-deluded.

I kind of feel sorry for you, but not really. You're letting it happen when you have a clear choice to not let it happen.

Or maybe you've just been ramping up the back story for sympathy?