Spending Christmas with people you really don't want to ...

[ChristmasHarmony]

DP and I live separately although we've been together for 15 years. We tried living together and it wasn't great so we agreed we'd all be happier living apart. It works very well.

DP has adult children who he sees regularly. One of the main reasons we don't live together was due to difficulties with the children/ex when they were smaller. Long story, loads of examples of awful bullying behaviours and incredibly unkind treatment. As a result we're all happier but I don't see the adult children at all.

Due to many reasons, Covid, elderly relatives, unwell relatives, we haven't had many Christmasses together over the last 3 or 4. This year DP is spending Christmas at mine - I was really looking forward to it. He's just told he's invited his children to come over and spend the day with us. Not unreasonable? So why does it feel like a massive damper has been put over my Christmas - I'd rather be alone TBH than spend it with two young adults and their partners who have been so horribly hurtful in the past.

I know I'm going to get firebombed. I'm not a step parent through choice. I was not involved in any way in the break up of the marriage. I fully support him needing to be a parent - I just don't want to see them on this special day. I doubt they want to see me very much either.

Kids/teens can be awful especially to step parents/new partners. He's probably thinking it being a fresh start now they're adults and matured. When I was younger I wasnt too badly behaved but I wasn't nice to my dad's new partner and now we get on alright since I matured and learned to let things go and ignore certain things. Do I still think she was a nasty piece of work when I was younger? yes I do. However she's changed and I've changed so that was then and this is now. They probably think it's a perfect time to get to know each other as you all are now. Set a time limit eg so say they can come over for tea so it's only a 2/3 hours out of your day. You can say sorry I'm a little tired or got headache or something when you've had enough and want them to go.

Definitely tell your partner this arrangement IS NOT going to work for you. He will know why without having it explained in detail. He has choices - but you don't have to go along with his choices.

If the daughter wants to make amends she can invite you to her house some time - though it's probably unlikely this is why she wants to spend xmas day with you. Suggest to him he spends xmas day with his kids and you will make other plans. No discussion. your place isn't his and he has no right to expect you to host anyone he randomly invites, let alone his unpleasant adult children.

I wouldn't be surprised if he hasn't even told them xmas is at your place yet - maybe waiting to see your reaction to his plan?

Don't let this happen. You will have a nicer day on your own or with your own family and friends than you will with his awful family.

JFC OP - why are you so hell bent on martyring yourself on this fucking cross? What - in the hope of some post Christmas reconciliation?

This would be my fucking hill.

& yes, I agree with NeverBeenSkiing - WTF are you paying? Paying!!! to actually host people who don’t like you!!!

Where do you live? Is DP the only straight, single man in the village?

But surely it's a decision by both sides to let bygones be bygones.
It doesn't sound like the OP is up for that and is getting the hosting of christmas foisted on her.

They want to see their dad. Dad's house isn't habitable. They could eat out or host as adults in one of their houses. That takes effort for them and costs money. So they are coming to the lovely warm house and full fridge of a woman they don't like or ever contact. Gosh you must feel so special.

He should have asked you first.
Could you not see this as an opportunity to make amends going forward?

OP, you are rolling over and letting him walk all over you, for the sake of avoiding a row.

A row is required, he needs to know he can't walk over you - AND IN YOUR OWN HOME !!!!

Outrageous.

This could be the thin end of the wedge - will he start inviting them over to yours whenever he feels like it? Maybe when you're not there?

Do you really want to continue this relationship with him? He sounds selfish.

Yanbu!

He could have at least spoken with you about it before inviting them!

I don't blame you for being upset.

I think I'd have expected to be asked not told.

You can say no - and have the much needed row - you can hope they drop out or with their partners there and being older they behave well - or you can withdraw the offer and try and do something else - visit family which would again lead to rows.

But yes that does feel like it would put a dampener on day - and it's harder to leave when not be around when you are the host as it's your house.

I think your DP behave pretty badly towards you here.

just say no OP! It’s your house - not his. Only you gets to invite people into it. End of.

Anyone who says to you that it's right for him to back his kids all the time is wrong. Good parenting means pulling your kids up on their behaviour when they are causing hurt and behaving badly. He's failing them as a dad if he always defends/supports no matter what. And he's definitely failing you as a partner!

It sounds like the kids have places they can go (DSS lives at girlfriends parents house and DSD lives with her mum), so it’s not like they are destitute over Christmas and have nowhere to go except their dad’s cold house.

I think the the two step-kids will exclude you and their partners will follow suit, whilst your DP watches on faux helplessly and does nothing to support you.

It’s not too late to back out.

I haven't RTFT, just the OP's posts but wanted to say that I think you are completely reasonable not to want this to happen OP and I agree you should probably reappraise this relationship.
There are people in my DH's family that I really, really dislike. I have to tolerate them at times. Most of us have to compromise to some degree over the festive period and spend at least some time doing things we would prefer not to with people we're not keen on. There is after all, no reason why loving someone should mean you love, or even like, their extended family. My DH knows how I feel but I love him and I know it matters to him that we attend his family gatherings so I grin and bear it, and he appreciates the effort. However, if he ever invited them round to our house on Christmas Day I would go ballistic - especially if it wasn't discussed and agreed beforehand. And at least we co own our home whereas yours is just yours. It's really out of order and would leave me wondering why my wishes and feelings are so unimportant to my partner.
Yes, the child - parent relationship is important and it is fully understandable that they would want to see each other over the festive period. But it doesn't have to be on Christmas Day itself and it certainly doesn't need to be at your house. They are adults, not small children so I'm sure they have other options of how to spend the day and could catch up with their Dad on Boxing Day or something, preferably somewhere other than your home.

I would be very interested to know if there are other situations in which he routinely tramples over your boundaries. It is perfectly reasonable to want to see his children at Christmas. I'd even say that if you haven't seen them for years and, theoretically, things are calmer, having them to yours is a good way to break the ice. but it's completely unacceptable for him to just invite them without discussing it with you

So it's HIS family Christmas that you will facilitate, organise, cook for and even pay for.... and he didn't even have the courtesy to discuss it with you?

I think that this is probably the tip of the iceberg. How many other things happen that you're not 100% happy with but you let go for an easy life?

Op, you need to learn to stand up for yourself. You seem desperate to avoid a row but sometimes a row is just what's needed in order to assert yourself and make sure you aren't being treated like a doormat.

Your DP has been hugely disrespectful to you by inviting people into your home without at least checking with you first.

The very, very minimal outcome of this is that your "D"P pays for the Christmas hosting, does all the cooking and all the running around after his kids.

Better still, I would be inviting him to find a last minute restaurant/bar/hotel booking for Xmas day with his children, with you staying at home in peace.

Your P has no respect for you and your boundaries. Has he done anything at all to try to make the relationship between you and his children any better? Or just taken a passive back seat to it all? Either way, will he respect you and protect you in your own home if things start kicking off on Xmas day?

What do you get from this relationship other than familiarity?

Maybe the kids have matured, regret their past actions, and ready to start a mature relationship with their fathers partner.

But I wouldn't want to test this (very weak) theory out in my own home. I agree with the previous posters suggesting a meal out somewhere paid for by their father, not you. If they behave, the relationships can grow from there. If they are just as awful as they've always been, then you can retire to the sanctity of your own home knowing you don't have to see them again for another few years.

That doesn't make it OK for him to invite people to your house without consultation.

He's the turd here. He's invited them, knowing that you would not want that at all.

But a warning if you are just planning to go ahead...I despise my stepmother. I don't see her or my dad anymore. They are horrible people. But I am sorry to tell you that if I got "manoeuvred" into a situation where I had to be in that house, I would happily damage something. And I am nearly 50. I won't grow out of it or soften. I would damage something because of the extensive damage that they have both done to me, my siblings and my mum. You have probably not done what my stepmother has done and probably don't deserve it - but how do you know what those kids were told at an impressionable age?

It's easy to spill red wine on a sofa. Or run the tip of something metal over a piece of wooden furniture. And I would 100% do it to my stepmother.

YANBU!!
Nobody cares about your Christmas do they?!
I would be furious
Could you calmly say to DP that on second thoughts, his arrangement doesn't work for you, and he didn't even have the respect to ask you first?
Consider telling him to host at his place, you said it was liveable but cold
Think of your needs instead of putting everyone elses above you and make the new year a happy one

I don’t understand this at all.

Who the fuck invites other people to your house on Christmas Day? People you don’t get on with!

You sound like a total muppet OP. Seriously, where’s your self respect? Tell him you are going elsewhere for Christmas and he will have to host his DC at his own house. Why on earth would you tolerate this shitty treatment?

He's just told he's invited his children to come over and spend the day with us. Not unreasonable?

I think he's being massively unreasonable to invite his adult children to your home without even asking you first, especially given that he is fully aware that you don't see them and what the reason for that is.

This would be OK if a) they were children rather than adults, b) it was at his house and c) he discussed it with you first. But for him to invite his adult children round, to your home, without asking you if it was OK with you, and knowing how difficult they've been towards you in the past, is appalling.

Obviously it's not unreasonable that he wants to see his kids at Christmas, adults or not, but he shouldn't have just changed the plan at the last minute without consulting you and/or respecting your wishes.

You're situation sounds awful and I really feel for you. It's sad that you don't feel able to say out loud "I don't want these people in my home" but as others have said, learning that assertiveness is for another day

If you don't want to end the relationship or have a row with this horrible man, may I suggest you send him a message along the lines of:

It didn't fully click at the time but you mentioned that Damian and Damiana were coming over for Christmas. I'm really surprised they want to come considering how they feel about me and I'm not entirely comfortable with them being in my home after all that's happened in the past. If they genuinely want to make things right then how about meeting for a drink on Christmas Day. If things go well we could invite them all over in the New Year. What do you think?

I wouldn't mention that fact that it was highly rude of him to invite them behind your back unless he takes umbrage with the suggestion above

The beauty of not living together is that you have no reason to engage with this chap if what he says/does is making you unhappy

I'm not scared of him but I'm scared of the rows

I'm sorry, OP, but that amounts to the same thing. You are scared of his behaviour if you say 'no' to him over this. Therefore you are scared of him.

Honestly, this relationship doesn't sound at all healthy to me.

Do you think that perhaps after 15 years they have grown up and matured?
The fact they are coming to yours seems to be to be a sign that they have grown up.

Would you like to have a relationship down the line with them?
If you do, this could be a very good starting point.

I like one posters suggestion of Christmas Eve being your & DP Christmas and Christmas Day being treated like boxing day.

I don't agree with what your partner did. He is landing a BIG hosting job on your - it's alot of pressure doing Christmas, no matter how many it is for. I would fully expect his help on all fronts. Just because it is your house, don't mean it should all land on you.

I also relate in a way. I have a 13 yr old stepdaughter, have known her since she was born. She can be very trying & there is no relationship there, no matter how much myself & husband try. I just say to him that hopefully as she matures, she realises we aren't actually that bad.